I Am What I Am (28 page)

April closed her letter with this: ‘Some day, I will probably have to say goodbye to my baby girl. And when that happens, I will cry, be sad, and then put her pictures away. Then I will greet the son that will be coming into my life with open arms and a loving heart.’

I regard
The Making of Me
as one of my most important accomplishments. Letters like Simon’s and April’s reaffirmed why the documentary was important to do, and why, instead of going on another talk show
and being silly and camping it up a little, I chose to explore this issue seriously and with respect. With programmes like this, I’m not helping anyone to be gay or trying to make them come out. Men like Simon are already gay, and the choice to come out is theirs and theirs alone. But, in my own way, I hope I’m helping them to be comfortable, confident, and accepting of themselves. Bottom line: I want to spread the word that being gay is normal.

In spring 2009, during an interview for a newspaper, the journalist asked me how old I was when I
decided
to be gay. Clearly, there’s still work to be done, and I’m honoured to do my part to educate and affirm whenever I can. I love being a gay icon
¹⁷
and I love representing the gay community, and I hope I’m doing them proud. Nothing makes me smile more than when I speak to a young gay man or woman and he or she tells me that I really helped them to come to terms with their life. That’s absolutely brilliant.

Unfortunately, some latent prejudices still persist. Too often I’m described in the press or on TV as a ‘gay actor’, or a ‘homosexual entertainer’,
¹⁸
and more recently I’ve noticed the word ‘flamboyant’ sneaking into introductions of me. This is a code word for ‘gay’. Unless I’m belting out ‘I Am What I Am’ in sequins and stilettos, or I’m dressed in a sparkling suit – with a belt with bling – for a Busby Berkeley number on
Tonight’s the Night
, I’m not flamboyant. Is Andy Roddick described as a straight tennis player? Angelina Jolie, a heterosexual actor? Bruce Willis, a straight leading man? I don’t think so; and unless Bruce Willis steps into a pair of Jimmy Choos and wraps himself in a feather boa, he’s not flamboyant, either.

Describing people in this way may be subtle,
¹⁹
but it’s prejudice, and I’m not embarrassed to call people on their ignorance or to challenge them on their inaccurate perceptions. Now, a caveat here: if you find yourself in a situation where you may get hurt if you call
attention to prejudiced behaviour, then absolutely do not. Be a man (or a woman) and walk away. But if you are in a situation where people are being derogatory, stand up for yourself. Call them on it. Sometimes when you do, they will apologize and admit to having not really thought about their language in that way before. When I called the journalist’s attention to the question about when I ‘decided’ to be gay, she apologized immediately.

I’ve always tried to apply this attitude in all spheres of my personal and professional life; I believe it’s important to do so. An experience I once had with the producers of a TV show is a good example of this. I was in my dressing room, watching movies and passing time with Clare, when one of the producers joined us with some notes for me about my performance.

‘John,’ he said, after he’d checked off a couple of other points, ‘we wondered if you really wanted to reveal that you’re gay?’

Whoa. Clare’s eyes widened and, when she saw my expression, she shifted away a little to give me a wider berth. I stared at the producer for a very long, dark minute. Did he think that maybe I should have saved this detail for dinner conversation, in case, after the pudding, I was suddenly caught humping the waiter?

‘I really hope I didn’t hear that coming out of your mouth,’ I stated, ‘because I’m not going back into the closet for anyone.’

The incident was even more offensive because they sent a gay producer to discuss this with me, as if somehow this would ease the blow. I could tell he was terribly embarrassed. He should have been.

‘We think it might change how people feel about you,’ he continued.

‘For Christ’s sake!’ I yelled. ‘You’ve hired me to be a professional, not to have sex! Being a gay man has nothing to do with my abilities on this show.’ I was even more furious because, as I’ve stated, one of my explicit missions as an entertainer is to work to create a world where no one will ever make a statement like that to anyone who’s gay.

‘Who told you to say this?’

He tried to back down, to soften the statement somehow, especially when he realized I was getting angrier. I also think he could see that
Clare, all 5’3” of her, was rising up on her flip-flops preparing for an attack. She was hissing and spitting in the corner.
²⁰

‘I’m not changing who I am for you or anyone else,’ I seethed, livid now. ‘I find it highly offensive that you as a gay man have said this to me. I don’t care who told you to say it. You should have stood up to whoever put you up to this. Grow some balls, man.’

Later, after I’d calmed down and Clare had been contained, the producers apologized profusely
²¹
and we all moved on from this incident. I hope that, in standing up for myself in this way – on this particular occasion, and all the many other times I’ve done so – I’ve also stood up for those who don’t quite have the voice, or the confidence, that I do. As my parents taught me, speak up for yourself (especially if you have something to say) and speak up for others (especially if they can’t).

When my parents and I sat at their kitchen table in Illinois many years ago, and I told them I was gay, they embraced me immediately – but that does not mean it was easy for them, or that it’s easy for other parents, either. Families need time to adjust and come to terms with what they are being told. For my parents – and, keep in mind, this was almost twenty years ago now – their readjustment had a lot to do with their fears about AIDS and HIV.

That said, nothing angers me more than when I hear about parents who have abandoned or disowned their children because they’re gay. No matter how hard a parent may try, he or she is not going to change that child’s fundamental biological make-up. Instead of making a son or a daughter’s life more miserable, step up to the parenting plate, help them understand who they are, and support them in living happy, productive lives – because, in the words of Jerry Herman, ‘life’s not worth a damn, till you can say … I am what I am’.

Help with the dishes? Don’t be silly. You were my guests. Where’s Scottie? He loves to do dishes.

Before you brave your journey home, I’d like to thank you for joining me, for allowing me to share my stories with you, and for supporting all that I’ve done these last few years.

A couple of months ago, I was explaining to my nephew, Turner – who is now nineteen and in his second year at university – about these ‘table talks’, these family vignettes, and how I wanted them to capture the tone and the content of the kinds of conversations the Barrowmans often have when we gather for family dinners or parties.

‘So you’ve basically talked about farting, shite and sex.’
¹

And, Turner, your point is?

For the most part, I hope I’ve covered more than those three significant subjects.
²
Before I call you a taxi,
³
are there any questions remaining that I haven’t covered in my table talks? There are? Okay. Fire away.

‘Is there some part of your body you do not like, and if so, would you consider plastic surgery?’

I’m comfortable with all my bits and bobs. Oh, maybe I’d like my love handles
⁴
to be smaller, but when I’m in a West End show, my days are more flexible and I’m confident that while I’m in
La Cage
, I’ll have time to get to the gym in the mornings. I’ll take care of them
that way. But I have nothing against plastic surgery, especially if it makes a person feel more confident about his or her body, and boosts their self-esteem.

‘To whom would you give your last Rolo?’

First of all, my regular sweetie of choice isn’t usually a Rolo, but if it were, I’d have to give it to my Jack Russell terrier, Captain Jack. Jack has to take a pill every night, and I discovered from his vet that a Rolo is the one chocolate treat you can give to most dogs. So I bought a carton of Rolos at Costco, and each evening I stick his pill deep inside the caramel.

‘If time travel really did exist, where would you go and why?’

Hmm. I’d like to be very noble and say I’d travel back to some terrible epidemic or disaster,
⁵
taking a vaccination or medical supplies with me, but that would have to be my second trip. On my first trip, I’d love to travel back to the Hollywood of the thirties and forties and star in the classic MGM musicals of the time. Perhaps have the chance to perform with Gene Kelly, and have the opportunity to be part of a big, extravagant Busby Berkeley number for the man himself. I’d call him ‘Buz’ for short.

The film
For Me and My Gal
would suit my time-travel dream just fine. Plus, it would have the added bonus of allowing me to co-star with Judy Garland. Judy’s daughter, Lorna Luft, has been my friend for over twenty years. We first met at a charity luncheon in London, at which we were seated together. Most recently, I was a guest on Lorna’s BBC Radio 2 tribute concert to her mother. If I’m imagining a little time travel, it would be amazing to sing with Judy Garland as part of the journey.

‘If you could do a remake of a movie musical, which one would you choose?’

You’d probably expect me to say
For Me and My Gal
, but I picked that film in answer to your last question because of the conflagration of its actors and director.
⁶
Funnily enough, though, my choice for a remake would be of another classic Judy Garland film.

If I could change a few things about it, then I’d love to do a new version of
A Star Is Born
. In my staging, I’d include additional songs – maybe add ‘I Know Him So Well’, which would fit perfectly because I’d also adapt the film’s original 1937 Dorothy Parker script so that the romantic relationship is between two males; one on the rise to stardom, the other on the downturn. I’m too old now to play Billy Crocker, or many of the leading male roles that are part of the classic Hollywood movie musicals, but in
A Star Is Born
, Norman Maine could and should be a man in his forties.
⁷

‘Is there any item or gizmo you carry everywhere you go?’

I would be completely lost without my BlackBerry, my black MacBook and my dental floss. Oh, and a packet of baby wipes.

‘If you could be a superhero, who would you be? If you could have a superpower, what would it be?’

I don’t have to think about this one for very long. I’d want to be able to fly; and I’m happy to say that I’m already a superhero, but if being Captain Jack doesn’t count, then I’d love to pull on the iconic blue tights and red Speedos and be Superman.

‘Is there a person, living or dead, real or fictitious, with whom you’d like to have dinner, and why?’

As long as you’re picking up the tab, I’m inviting two people to dinner. The first person I’d choose would be my gran, Murn, who loved a good laugh, appreciated a good meal, and relished a good blether. She died when I was a teenager; given how close she and I were when I was growing up, I know she’d be bursting with pride for all that I’ve accomplished. I’d love to take Murn out to a fabulous restaurant and let her have the run of the entire menu – especially the desserts. I’d also let her wrap in her napkin as many rolls as she could fit in her handbag for later.

My second person would have to be one of my musical muses, Cole Porter. I imagine he’d be great company and I’d enjoy flirting a little with him. One of the areas of musical theatre that I’d like to learn more about, and perhaps even attempt to tackle some day if the right project
should arise, is the art of writing lyrics. Cole Porter was the master at packing irony, double entendres, colourful details and pointed generalities into a song’s lyrics without them losing their heart. Cole and I would order champagne and caviar, and I’d make sure we got a table near the piano. How delightful!

‘What would you eat for your last supper?’

Honestly, if I knew I was facing the end and I had enough energy to eat a last meal, I probably wouldn’t. I’d find another organ to exercise and go out a different kind of satiated.
⁸

Oh, if you insist. I’d gorge myself on shellfish, from prawns to shrimp to scallops to lobster. I’d dip them in butter, in olive oil, or in a sweet Thai sauce – and I’d hope that death would come swiftly before my allergy to all of them killed me slowly.

‘Do you and Scott have the same taste in fashion? And do you share your clothes with him?’

Don’t get me started. This subject is a bit of a touchy one in the Barrowman–Gill household. Scott and I have quite different tastes in fashion. He tends towards plain Ralph Lauren T-shirts and his favourite pair of tan Lucky jeans that I bought for him years ago in New York, and that he plans to wear until there’s no thread count left. He’s coming close.

Yet this man, who’s colour-blind and hates to shop, has no problem borrowing
⁹
my flashy clothes, particularly my pink polo shirts and my trainers. This likely wouldn’t bother me if I’d already worn the shirt or the shoes, but sometimes I’ve not even taken the price tags off. I like to be the first person to wear an item I’ve purchased. I have a similar issue
¹⁰
with books and magazines. Please don’t crack the spine or flick the folios before I get the chance to be the first one into the pages.

‘If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?’

I’d hide out in the locker room of the Welsh rugby team, or any
professional male sports team for that matter. I love a man in a uniform.

‘Why do you wear your watch on your right wrist?’

I know now that most people who are right-handed wear a watch on their left wrist, but when I got my first watch – a birthday present from my mum and dad when I was in primary school – I put the timepiece on my right wrist without knowing that detail. My reason was a logical one. When I was writing papers or taking notes in school, I could easily flip my wrist, sneak a peek at the time, and know exactly how long before the bell. Wearing a watch on my left wrist feels clumsy to me now.