I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (38 page)

"Junco, I saw her the instant ya ported. I was looking at her, she was with me at Soli's Pillar. She was helping me calm her down."

"No, that's not what happened. You saw something else, a projected version or something. I have Sera inside me still. She was there, she helped me port, she—"

"No!" His sharp command stops me mid-sentence and I just stare at him. "You're hallucinating. Your Archer morph was unsanctioned and sub-standard. You have to be prepped from birth to become an Archer, Junco. You don't just wake up one day and say,
I think I'll become immortal
. You had no pre-treatment which means you cannot have any post-treatment because you can't do one without the other. Inanna messed with your head, Junco. She made ya crazy, but if you just listen to me, I'll——"

"You'll what? Make it all better? You and your lies about Isten and your judgment about Kush? Fuck you, Tier. I don't need you, you need me! All you've done is lie! And before you open your mouth to say it was for my own good, you look me in the eye and tell me you didn't know that Isten was gonna die back there in Runout."

He looks away and I laugh. "I hate you. I hate all of you, hell, I hate everyone, how about that? It's me and Gid against everyone, how about that? Hurt much?"

"Gideon, of course," he sneers. "That guy who's been selling yer secrets for years, the one who's fucking that clone of a twin you have. He turned her into
you
, Junco! He had Inanna morph her up into some copy of you! Tell me that's normal!"

"I don't know if that's true, you and Ashur say it, but we all know that the words coming out of your mouths are more likely to be lies than anything else!"

"Junco," he continues, "I've got to tell ya, yer off-yer-meds crazy if you think Gideon is on yer side right now. He's selling you out and you don't even have the good sense to see it."

I hold down a chuckle. "Right, You keep telling yourself that, Tier. Whatever it takes to get you through the night. And by the way—how stupid do you think I am?"

He cocks his head to the side slightly.

"You think I don't know you were fucking that first Iliana, too? I mean, come on! You tell her your deepest secrets, secrets that could ruin all of Lucan's plans for—whatever the hell he's doing. Of
course
you were fucking her. Of course you were!"

I see a slight shift in his expression and I hold back the hurt, because if I let it out I will say things I regret.

"Yer careening off the cliff, Junco. And yer gonna take the rest of us with ya."

"You bet I am, Tier. You fucking bet I am. Just consider it my gift to humanity, OK? Because at least all of you will be dead. But me? I'll still be around wondering why the fuck I'm always the one who gets shafted in the end. I wish I could kill you myself, right now!"

"You want to go down this road, Junco?" He knocks me to the ground with one forceful shove and then stands over me, raging. Everything about him is rage. "You want ta fight me?"

I pick myself up and brush the dust off my pants while Tier backs off a few paces.

"I asked you a question."

My silence pisses him off even more, but what can he do? He asked me a question so he either has to wait for my response or make a move. If he makes a move, he's lost ground. If he waits, he hands me the advantage.

I've played this game before.

"I'm not playing, Junco."

"Oh, yes you are. You're playing all right. Because you don't get to tell me off for sleeping with Kush and choosing Gideon and then leave me to find out from Lucan that you
knew Isten was gonna die!"

His back straightens with my accusation. Which means it's true.

I turn away so he can't see the glaze of tears covering my eyes. "I hate you."

He exhales.

"I hate you. And the whole Isten thing is only the beginning, Tier." The threat of tears is over now, so I turn back. "I mean, that's bad enough, but you're the one who sent me down this path in the first place. You gave me wings and you let her take them away. All of this. Everything that's happening to me is your fault!"

I've stunned him. I can see it. He was not expecting this.

"Why didn't you just kill me? Why? Why did you turn me into this
thing
?"

The muscles twitch in his face as he narrows his eyes at me. His words come out slow and calm. "Why didn't you just kill me? I could say the same thing to you, Junco. Why did you save me?"

I choose to ignore that. "You knew Isten would die, you knew and still, you let me twine with him." I wait for him to give me something but he remains silent so I just keep going. "Everyone in my life has left me. Every single person took off. My mother, my Gideon, my father, my Aren, my Charlie. Each one disappeared just as I got comfortable. Wiped away."

Everything about me aches as the words come out.

"And then you give me this gift. This perfect gift of a man who wants to live in my mind and be with me forever and all he wants in return is for me to do the same. And against my better judgment, I said yes. Because I wanted what he had to give,
so bad
."

He cringes at the words that I pulled straight from his mouth that day on Gideon's terrace.

"And you told me that we had to be together, that this bond we were forming was the secret of a successful mission on Earth."

"Junco—"

"No." I cut him off. "Just don't. OK? Because that mission, in my eyes, was a complete fucking failure! But you guys all got what you wanted, right? You got all my Siblings, you got your perfect gene pool back, you got your
promotion
." The word is dripping with disgust. "You have a lot of nice new powers now, Tier. You get to have them all, right? But you don't have to pay the price, right? That's what everyone was pissed off about back on Amelia. Why the fuck should you get all those motherfucking powers and not have to pay the same price as the rest of us?"

"That's not how it is, Junco."

"That is the most pathetic attempt at a lie I've ever heard. Pathetic!" My scream echoes off the walls of a nearby rock formation. "That's exactly how it is, Tier." I take a deep breath and watch his face. I'm not sure what it's saying, but it's not saying anything I want to know. "And now I'm so far away from being human, so far away from the girl I was born to be, I'll never get back. And I'm gonna stew in this anger and insanity for eternity because I get to be cast out into infinity, blowing in a galactic wind for billions of years until all my pieces miraculously float back together under the goddamn laws of physics!"

"I'm trying my best to stop that, Junco. That's the whole reason we're—"

"Liar!" I let out a small choke of a sob as the tears build again. "You're a liar. You're doing this for Lucan. He's your master, you are the closest thing to a God's piece of property that ever existed. Right, Aquila? That's who you are, right? You're nothing but Jupiter's stupid property."

He waits for me to continue but I'm done for now. I walk back over to my rock and sit down. I'm tired. I'm just so fucking tired.

"Junco, I understand that's how it looks but yer missing the obvious, darlin'."

"Fuck you. If you say that stupid line about Alcor I'll port away and never come back. I'll dissipate myself if I have to hear that stupid analogy one more time. I'm not blind! I see the goddamn full moon!"

His look says I'm insane. I am insane, I've totally lost it. Shit, he might not even know what I'm talking about, I never heard him say that Alcor stuff before. That was Isten and Lucan.

"Isten knew he was gonna die, Juncs. He knew that either way he was not coming back from Earth. And he wanted ya. He begged me for weeks on Earth before I even met you. It was my fault his twine was killed. I let Iliana in, I trusted her so I couldn't say no."

I keep silent and let him talk.

"He said he'd be with you after, that you'd keep him in your head as memories. He told me what it was like to have Tanner, that it was comforting."

I snort at this. "Comforting? No. Painful, it was very fucking painful." I stop and rub my eyes as the hurt comes back. "It hurt. There isn't even a word to describe how bad it hurt, Tier."

He kneels down in front of me, his hands on my shoulders. "But it's better now? You have him and it's better now?"

He's pleading with me to tell him yes, it's better.

"No, I don't have him. So the pain is gone but so are the memories. I have nothing. He's gone! I have nothing!"

"What do ya mean? He can't be gone, where—"

"HOUSE has him, I left Sargassum to go get HOUSE, and well, to see John Hando too, but he's fucking married now and has kids and everything!"

I do cry now, an ugly cry complete with sobs and chokes and gasps for breath. I'm crying for my mistake with Hand in front of Tier. That is so wrong but I can't stop. I've fucked up every single good thing in my life. "I should've never left Dallas that weekend. He took me up to the Sagitta Arrow building to look at the stars. He took me to the stars and even though everything was coming apart, I
didn't
come apart. I was pulled back together that night. He pulled me back together inside that giant building that points to the stars."

I look up but he has no idea what I'm talking about, so I just wipe my eyes and keep going. "He said he'd get me out of the RR and we'd go to the Desert Republic for a while, lie low until his dad smoothed things over with my dad, who was not even my dad by that time, and he said he'd take care of me. And you know what, Tier?"

The sobs come again as Tier waits patiently.

"He would've too. He would never have asked me to save his race or sacrifice my humanity for anyone. He would've hidden me away in some little hole-in-the-wall reservation house and let me get fat and happy with kids." I breathe out. "I made a mistake. I said I'd be back before he could even miss me."

I stop to swallow down the pain and his green eyes search me.

"Did ya go back, Juncs?"

"No, I never even got a chance to leave properly. I was on the roof, ready to take my shot, and then Hando called and said we had to abort and—"

"Wait, what?"

"I was doing a job, ready to take my shot and go home with him forever—"

Tier looks so confused it makes me stop. I take a giant sniff and then continue. "I was a hit-girl for the Texican mafia my entire senior year of cadets," I say, as if that explains everything. "Hand is the company heir."

He bellows out laughter.

"What?"

"You're pining over a gangster? You're talking shit to me for being Lucan's Angel of Death, yet you were gonna settle down and get fat and happy with a fucking common criminal?"

"Don't. Just don't."

"Just don't? Fuck that! I'm tired of tiptoeing around yer temper tantrums, ya got it? That's over. I'm gonna speak my mind from now on. Yer so tough, right? You can take it, right? So fuck you and your
don't
."

Well, fuck him right back because I fling myself right out of this conversation.

Chapter Forty-Two

Something goes wrong and I feel a jerk, like someone is pulling me back through the tunnel. I gasp and try to break free, seeking a way out of the time shift, and then I crash into the ground once again.

Only this time I am not alone.

"You think I'd what, Junco? Just let you fuck up everything I've build over the past two years because you have some goddess complex?"

Ashur grabs my arm with some kind of super-strength and pulls me to my feet. The blood vessels under my skin are immediately crushed and I know there's a massive bruise on my upper arm from his fingers.

"Where the fuck is Selia?" His growl comes out so low the adrenaline bursts into my bloodstream with the threat. He shakes me and his grip takes on a whole new level of pain.

"Let go!" I squirm but he's not letting go—he's very much not letting go.

"I'm going to ask you one more time, Junco, and then I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if ya don't answer. You're immortal, but you're not immune to pain."

I want, seriously want, to talk back to him right now. But he scares me.