I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (25 page)

I turn my back to him and stare out into space. The tiny pinpricks of light are teasing me in a dangerous way. "It's not that I don't want to tell you things, Tier. And it's not that I told Ashur or whoever personal things about me on purpose. They slip out sometimes by mistake." I turn back and watch his eyes as I talk. "I don't want you to know that stuff about me. It's all bad stuff. You don’t want to know what I did as a kid, and even though you think you do…you don’t."

"Was it hunting people, Junco?"

My body turns away but he stops me this time.

"Was it?"

My head nods. "Sort of. They were not human according to us, but who were we to judge?” We lie there silent for a few moments, I know he’s picturing me doing these horrific things and that hurts more than anything else right now. "I remember everything, ya know. All of it."

He watches my face carefully, patiently.

"And I'm just a very bad person." I don't say it for sympathy and I don't say it so he can tell me I'm not. I say it because it's true.

His lips caress my cheeks for a few moments, but he stays far away from that topic. "Where does Gideon fit in? How was he different? What was he doing?"

The change of subject is such a relief I don't even mind talking about Gideon. "When he came back from being morphed, that was my first year of cadets. It was spring I remember, he came to my house for Easter break. I had him to myself for two weeks and I thought we'd just slip back into our routines, right? I mean, that schedule was my life outside cadets. It's just what I did. But Monday came and there was no shooting. Tuesday, no ranging. Wednesday, no grappling. He just sat in the guest room most of the time. Alone."

I swallow as I look up at Tier. "He came back broken. And it shocked me. Gideon is the only reason I'm alive right now. Even more so than my dad, because my dad wasn't there most of the time. They made him drop me off with Matthew. Matthew ran the Stag, my dad ran the rest of the country. But Gideon, he ran me."

"He was yer handler." It's a statement, not a question.

"Yes," I say, looking up at him. "He
is
my handler."

"You were his weapon."

I nod. "Yes, I
am
his weapon."

We wait, our eyes searching each other. He seems satisfied with this.

"And that's all you know about yer origins? His origins?"

"I know nothing about Gideon's origins beyond Clutch 139." I swallow down the dread. "Do you?"

He shrugs and offers up nothing.

"If something happens to Gideon, Tier—if something happens to him, I will die. I will not go on, do you understand me? I will not go on. I cannot lose him and just thinking about it right now makes me want to shrivel away into nothingness. He keeps me sane, he holds all my broken pieces together. I would rather die than live without Gideon. And it's not what you think either. I don't want him." I feel him tense under me. "Not like I want you."

"Or Lucan."

"Oh, please! I'm not in love with Lucan. I love him, yes. I love him like I love Rikan or Selia or Moju and Esta. But I'm certainly not in love with him. I'd do a lot for him, if he asked. But when I said I chose him, that's not what I meant. I simply meant I'm on his side, that's it. I choose you, Tier. Are you hearing me? I choose you. I only want you in that way."

I wait to see if he's got anything to add, but he stays silent, staring up at the ceiling. This is my chance to set things right and start over, so I take it. "And I'm sorry about sleeping with Kush, too. Because it hurt a lot of people, and especially you. But I thought I was gonna die the next day, so why not, right? Why not just feel good for once? Why not just let that guy love me for a few hours? Is that so wrong? And yeah, it killed me what happened to him because it was all my fault. All of this, everything we're doing, it's all my fault."

The silence hangs between us for a few moments and my heart is pounding, wondering if this admission of guilt just pissed him off more. I'm just about to start babbling again when he finally speaks up.

"I know Kush was just a convenience, Junco, but I was angry that you were with Gideon and Lucan, and neither of those assholes even thought to tell me you were back. I saw it on the goddamn newscreen back on Amelia. Kadian reported it, Junco. That's how I found out you were finally safe."

"Tier." I touch his face, turning it gently towards me as I speak. "I had no idea. They cocooned me in that apartment, I had no idea. I asked for you over and over and they just kept telling me soon."

He nods and then continues. "And I understand about Gideon too, and that's why I told ya back on Sargassum that I'd never let anything happen to him. I know he means a lot to ya. But you have something with him that we don't have. It's not jealousy, it's just—"

He stops talking and the seconds drag on. "Fear," I finish for him.

"Yeah," he admits. "Fear. This is not the life I want, Junco. I don't want to be remembered for what I'm doing, get it? I don't want to be remembered as the Angel of Death. That's not what I am. I'm not bringing death, I'm simply making arrangements that were planned thousands of years ago. I'm just doing my job and there's no good way out of this mess. And it doesn't even matter if Lucan's responsible—"

He searches my face to see if I understand what he's saying.

I do.

"It doesn't matter anymore what he did. This is now and we're all in this together, right? I'm just trying to make sure some of us will make it to our end. We won't all make it, Juncs." He shakes his head and sighs. "Even if I refuse to complete the job I was raised for, it won't save the humans I must destroy to get what I need, they will all still die. Do you understand?"

"I do, Tier. The time for a fate shift is over, this is destiny."

"Yeah." It comes out so sad I feel the tingle in my nose as the tears well up in my eyes. "I could do nothing, and just hope—"

He stops again and I wait it out.

"Hope for the best. That you choose us and the High Order accepts that decision." A small laugh escapes, but it's not a happy laugh. "And the sick thing is, I'd be so OK with that. They could smash Earth out into the nether and I'd be OK with that if I just had you and some little back-water habitat where we could live out our end together. But they won't accept that, Junco. It's far too late for that now."

I swallow. No, that's too easy. Like me giving my Deliverance wish to Tier and hoping that he could save himself.

It just doesn't work that way. To get something there must always be sacrifice.

Like my Isten.

"They are evil." He reaches over the top of my bare chest to the nightstand drawer and pulls out the avian Bible, opening it to the image of the Devil. "They will want so much more than just violence and that's why I must be so much more than just Tier."

I force myself to look at the monster, the blood dripping from his mouth, the dead bodies below his talons. This is a struggle I can relate to. Being forced to be something you're not just because the job has got to be done. And they, those looking at us from outside, they don't understand how rising to your full potential can really fucking screw with your head sometimes.

"I've been watching ya, Junco—the crazy Inanna forced on ya and the weight of what you must do—and this is not what I wanted for us. This feels like losing. I can feel ya slipping away, our possibilities, our worthwhile end—it's just slipping away. I want it to be over so bad, ya have no idea. And believe me, darlin', your part in all this, the things you'll be responsible for in the end? They're nothing. Nothing compared to the death and destruction I will unleash."

I just fall against his chest and hold him tight, that's how much I love him in this moment.

"Yer not the cause of this, Junco. Yer the answer. I'm the cause, I'm the one raising Djed Pillars, causing tsunamis that wipe out millions of people. And there's so much more to come."

"Then don't do it, Tier. Just don't do it."

"We need those Pillars to complete the Halo, Junco." I follow his pointing finger to the rotating Earth on the holotable. The Halo is the circle that connects all the Pillars together.

"We must have them or else we have no chance against the High Order. None. One of us, either humans or avians, will absolutely be annihilated. And that's the best-case scenario because in my mind, I see nothing but destruction in the end. Total destruction." I feel his soul rattling around in his chest with his words. "So you'll have a choice, darlin'. And your choice may or may not placate them, depending on which way ya lean."

"Which one might placate them?" I already know, but it's better to hear it and be certain than let that go unsaid.

"Earth. You must choose Earth."

"Or what? What if I choose Lucan and you guys?"

He shrugs. "We fight."

I think about this for a minute, trying it on for size, getting used to it a little. Fighting is something I can do, fighting is something I can do well, in fact. Killing has always been my one true superpower. Besides, Gideon wants to fight them too. "That's what we do, right? We fight. So, what's the big deal?"

He lets out a small breath that makes its way into a laugh, then pushes me aside and leans down over me. "God, I fucking love you. You say all the right things, Junco."

My face scrunches up. "Has anyone ever mentioned that your language is filthy, Tier?"

He turns away to hide his grin. "But yer learning, aren't ya?"

"Yeah, I get it. I guess. You hate the swearing."

"When this is all over so are your soldiering days, Junco. I only want ya to be ready, darlin'. That's all. I only want ya to be ready to let this life go."

I'm so ready.

He disentangles my arms that have been wrapped around his neck and stands up, his eyes passing over my naked upper body.

He's staring, actually.

"What? I look strange, huh?"

He unseals the seams on his shirt and whips it over his head, then crawls up on either side of my body and he kisses his way up my chest until his mouth is barely touching my lips. His flight feathers slide across my ribs and just about tickle me into ecstasy.

"Junco," he breathes, "you'd be perfect to me no matter what ya looked like."

I cross the fractional distance and kiss him for that lie, my hands sliding up from his waist, then over to his wing where I caress the sensitive bone that hovers just above his shoulder with my fingertips.

He buries his face into my neck and then the whispers begin to float across my cheek and up into my ear. "But darlin', just so ya know, ya look like the Goddess to me right now. Yer my Goddess, Junco."

He pulls away from me to stand and then unbuckles his belt.

I'm transfixed, silent and unable to take my eyes off him as I watch his fingers. He stops to grin and just when I'm about to ask him what's up, he knocks the unlaced boots off my feet, grabs the bottom of my jeans, and yanks them off.

I lie there, completely exposed, and watch as Tier takes me in with his hungry gaze, his own clothes temporarily forgotten. When he remains still I stand up on the bed and wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He pushes against me and I let it all go. All the anger and hurt. I let all the bad things go and just enjoy it.

He removes my arms from around his neck and places them gently at my side, then brings his hands up to my face and pulls me towards him as he presses his forehead to mine. I look down on him a little, since I'm standing on the bed, and his fingertips fall along each side of my neck, down my throat, over each shoulder, round out over my breasts and then trace a line down my rib cage.

A shiver escapes my body as a small sound of pleasure.

His touch stops abruptly and when I look down at him again he's just staring at me. "What?" I ask in a whisper.

"Yer perfect," he says.

"I'm sorry."

"What for, Junco?"

"For tricking you into believing that."

His eyes glisten a little as they glow and the hurt starts to come back. "I'm sorry, too."

"What for, Tier?"

"For not saying those words to you often enough to make you believe them."

I swallow and start to look away but he's got my face in his hands again. "You are the most perfect thing I've ever laid eyes on."

My head shakes out a no.

"You are the exhale after the kiss, Junco."

My whole body tingles with those words.

"That's where all the best parts are," he continues. "Afterward. All the best parts come after."

"I hope so, Tier. Because I've been waiting for the good parts so long, I forgot what they were and why I want them."

He cracks a grin and his fingertips are touching me again. He drags one finger down the front of me, right between my breasts, down to my stomach where he stops. I miss his warm touch as he pulls his fingertips away and begins to unbutton his pants.

My breasts glide up against his chest as I push against him and we both moan a little. His rough hands come up to cup my face and his mouth presses hungrily into me as my fingers dispense with his lower body armor.