I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (19 page)

I shake my head and squeeze my eyelids together. "It's not true. I can't have babies. Lucan said as much back on Amelia. He said—" The words are stuck in my throat, unable to make it past the ache that keeps the hurt tucked down.

"He never said that, Junco. You know he never said that."

"He said,
you're not human, Junco
." The sob breaks free and erupts against the pillow and I have to drag my hand across my face several times to wipe away the tears. "And I might be naive and gullible and believe everything I'm told most of the time. But I know what he was saying, Tier. I might be all those things, but I'm not stupid." I choke on a sob again and take an erratic gasp of air. "And you're the biggest asshole ever because I needed you that night. That was my birthday. And I was so happy to see that flier land on the roof."

He squeezes me tight now, his breathing coming in heavy draws. "Stop, Junco. I'm sorry, OK? I was an asshole."

The snot from my nose is starting to drip down onto my lip, forcing me to sniff and this makes my head throb. When I get all that under control my words come out in a whisper. "It's not OK. It's very far from OK. Because I've been here, at the edge of my sanity, so many times now it's starting to feel like home. It's almost comfortable. You know the reason why they had to erase me, Tier? Why they had to take away those memories and leave the dark emptiness?"

He stays so still and silent behind me I almost can't tell if he's there.

"Because I was
insane
. One hundred percent certifiably insane. Erasure was a gift to allow me to hold it together for just a little bit longer. But I'm too old for that now. I looked this shit up on the sphere while I was at Gid's. And it said erasure only works until puberty."

I sip air in small staccato breaths as I try to keep it together. "And after that the procedure causes irreparable damage to the psyche."

I break free of his embrace and turn to face him. His eyes are filled with tears and they run down his face. I let my head fall to his chest and force myself to say the words.

"And they erased me twice when I was almost seventeen. And that's why when you met me out there on the hill, I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I'm irreparable, Tier. I'm broken. One hundred percent broken, shattered into thousands of pieces, unfixable."

I look up in to his eyes, his beautiful green eyes, and I take a deep breath and let out a sad whisper. "I am just broken."

He moves for the first time since I started talking. His hands unwrap from my body and he slips his fingers behind my neck, his thumbs lift up my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "You will find yer way back, Junco. This is temporary, I promise. You'll find yer way back."

I just shake my head and cry into his chest. "That's not true and you know it."

His fingertips slip around to my back and under my shirt, caressing me into quiet submission as he starts tracing a pattern across my skin. I lie still, enjoying it. Not even thinking about what the pattern says, just enjoying it.

He leans down and kisses me on the head. "I was never mistreated by Lucan growing up, Junco. I mean, maybe by human standards the Clutch and the fostering were cruel, or the Fledge. But by avian standards I had it easier than most because Lucan was like a father to me, and Ashur and I were kept apart from the others. Lucan took care of me and made sure I had what I needed. And yeah, it all came with strings. I have a job to do and I owe him to complete what I started. But compared to what they put ya through, my life has been a storybook tale. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be you. I can't. Yer so strong, ya hold me up with your strength, Junco. Ya hold me up."

"No, Tier. I can't even hold myself up." I feel my whole body relax and my eyelids begin to get heavy, then the thrum of his voice next to my cheek makes me calm.

"You've got more power inside ya than anyone I know, Junco. Yer not just holding me up, yer carrying me, darlin'. Yer carrying me and ya don't even know it."

I press my face against his chest and find his heartbeat before I can stop myself. I thought I could control the counting, but old habits are sometimes all you have to fall back on. I am officially one hundred percent out of control.

"Remember our conversation, out on the redrock, about synchronicity?"

He pauses and I nod my head into his chest.

"And remember ya said we can't give up the bad or we have to give up the good too?"

"Yes," I whisper.

"I know ya feel wrecked, Junco. But yer not. You gotta find a little more fight in ya, just a little bit more. Because we're so close to the fucking end I can taste it. I can almost reach out and grab it."

I sniff loudly. "It just doesn't seem winnable. It just doesn't. We'll never win."

He pulls my face up to him again and I reluctantly open my tired eyes to meet his gaze. "It is winnable, I promise. We will win and we will survive and we will finally,
finally
get our chance. And I will give you more babies than you'll know what to do with, Junco. You'll have so many babies you'll beg me to stop. All ya gotta do is trust me."

Just trust him. Just trust Lucan. Just trust Sera. Who do I trust? Who is us and who is them? Where the fuck is that stupid true north compass when I need it?

I give up and lie, and this time I don't even bother to almost feel bad about it.

"Yeah, OK, Tier. I trust you." Because I'm too tired to explain it and too beaten down to care. My head becomes cloudy as thoughts fly through my mind in a jumbled mess and I know his embrace is the reason. Those magic fucking wings have dosed me with something that makes me calm and dreamy. And I wish I could fall asleep in his arms and never wake up.
Who will carry me, Tier?
That's what I want to ask.
Who will carry me and how much longer before they will just let me die?

Chapter Twenty

I wake up in my room, my tongue sticky and thick once more.

Tier's calming embrace comes back to me. He put me to sleep to keep the pain away and dampen down the feelings. Keep the nightmares away. The same thing everyone's been doing to me my whole fucking life. Just erase it.

And why do I bother bringing those memories back up at all? I mean, seriously? I told Annun. I fucking
told him
it was better to put that shit away and never look back. Never. Look. Back.

My eyes are so puffy I can barely open them, but I get up anyway. Start the shower and let the hot water blast me until I'm red and sore all over.

I dress in a pair of jeans that fit like they belong to Selia, then grab a faded brown hoodie with a cracked and peeling yellow chicken on the front. It says,
Cluck if you love Chick-Chick-Chicken
. It's either that or the brand new one with a giant pink face of
Cora!
on it.

I'll take the chicken any day.

Someone's put a pair of field boots in the closet too. I tug them on and don't even bother lacing them up.

I grab my lime-green bag filled with weapons and go looking for Gideon.

The kitchen is filled with noise when I walk in. Irin, Selia, and Lili are sitting in front of the wall-sized screen, staring intently at some massive catastrophe.

"Anyone see Gideon? I need to talk to him."

Every head bolts sideways to stare at me. They all glance back at the screen, then each other.

"What the fuck? Where's Gideon?"

Lili takes a shot at it. "Uh, Junco. You've been out for a couple days and they've all left to start raising the djeds."

"What the fuck is a jet?"

"D-j-e-d, Junco. The ancient Pillars."

"OK, so when will he be back? I really gotta—"

"Junco." Selia this time. "They're not coming back. Lili's supposed to take Irin to meet them at the sixth djed, and then Irin will raise it and I'll take you over to your Pillar and you'll finish the sequence."

Clearly I've missed a great deal during my psychotic incident and subsequent drugged stupor. I look up at the screen and I see a massive—something—near the ocean, the Aleutian Islands apparently from what the crawl says on the bottom of the screen. It cuts away to a split-screen to show tsunami warnings blaring across Tokyo.

The cause is a giant pillar, about a hundred miles wide if the data on the crawl is correct. And it looks as if it's self-assembling in real time, climbing up towards the sky. "Please tell me that is not a djed."

"It's a fucking djed, Junco." Irin's turn now. "Welcome to the Apocalypse. The first tsunami waves already washed out Kodiak Island and took out the entire Kenai Peninsula. Fucking awesome, isn't it? We got the Fallen Archer, the Goddess of Retribution, and now the Angel of Death. Tokyo might be underwater by morning. Millions of people annihilated."

"Wait." I have to shake my head here. "Pretend I'm an idiot and spell that out for me again."

"Junco." Selia again. "It's started. The End of Days. Get it now? And you are the final piece of the puzzle, just like I told you."

I slap her. Hard. Right across the face.

Her hand goes up to her cheek and palms it tenderly. "Ow, what the fuck was that for?"

My slap has left a red print behind on her perfectly tanned skin. "For telling me a bunch of bullshit the last time we were down here, that's what. What ever happened to
I'm an atheist, Junco. There is no such thing as a fallen angel
, huh?"

"That was two years ago. Shit! A girl can change her mind. And when the goddamn Devil comes to you with fucking proof, you accept it and move on. He's the Angel of Death and you're the only one who's in the dark about all this shit, ya know!"

"So now Lucan's the Angel of Death?"

"No, you idiot." Irin steps in front of Selia and sneers at me. "Tier is the fucking Angel of Death, Junco.
Tier
."

"And he makes a fucking good one too." Lili's grim expression tells me that comment contains both truth and fear.

My words to Cora come back to me.
If a few thousand souls have to be sacrificed, hell, a few million even, I don't care. It's got to be done.

"Oh shit. What are we doing?"

It's far too late for that, Junco
. Sera blips into existence but no one notices except me.

"Junco." Lili starts in on me. "Why are you so fucking clueless? They say you're so powerful, so important. But all I see is craziness. Are you in with us or not? Because if you turn your back we all die. It's us or them."

"That's it. I'm done here unless you assholes spell it out in tiny little baby words. What the hell is going on? Who is
them
, Lili?"

She swallows. "The High Order. That's who. They're coming to kill us, Junco. And you can't let them. We're raising the djeds to make shields, to stop the total annihilation, then the avians will come to Earth and we'll all seek shelter here—"

"
Here
? Where are we gonna fit billions of avians and Archers on Earth? We're almost tapped out!"

"So, what? You'll just let us all die?" She's appalled and I realize I've been holding my breath. I let it out and turn away.

"Of course not, Lili. I'd never do that."

Which is why
—Sera steps into my mind—
we're going to do it my way, Junco. My way saves all of us.

Lili walks around to my field of vision and sizes me up. She's tough, this little angelic warrior. "Junco, you're crazy. You have no idea what's going on. Why they let you walk around unrestrained, I have no idea. But I'm not going to let you ruin everything. Lucan left me here to—"

"Lili, I'll give you this one warning because you saved me once, but do not provoke me, that's an order."

"I don't take orders from you, Junco. I'm Lucan's warrior and I take orders from him, that's it."

I grab her by the throat and squeeze. "You're my warrior now, you got it? I'm the fucking captain of this operation, so shut the fuck up and let me make the decisions. OK?"

Lili croaks out a throaty “Yes, sir,” and I push her back and let her fall to the ground.