I am HER... (42 page)

 
After I kiss him, Z and I just stare at each other.  I don’t know how long we stare.  I can feel time passing, but neither of us move.  Mack is stationary in the doorway I can see, but I have only eyes for Z.

 
His dark brown eyes look so beautiful to me. 
He
looks so beautiful to me.  There will never be another for me.

 
The water is freezing, and I think time has really passed for me.  This is it.  It's over.

 
Letting Z's face go, I try to stand on shaky legs.  I need to lie down now.  I'm so tired from this soul-consuming sadness and gut-wrenching pain.  I think I'm honest and truly...
heart-broken
.  My heart doesn't really beat right anymore, it's kind of thumping painfully and erratically with the sadness I feel. 
  Z stands as well, but I don't want his help.  I don't want to take from him anymore.  He’s almost free of me and all this
drama
.
  "May I just lie down for a few minutes before I leave?  I want to sleep.  I don't want you to help me anymore... My heart hurts very badly, Z.  I feel like it wants to die now.  Can you keep it though?  Can you keep it here in New York when I'm gone?  I don't want
them
to have it.  I don’t want it to end up in Chicago. 
Please?
"  I beg in a pitiful whisper.
  "Sweetheart, you're going to be okay, I promise.  Let me help you to the bedroom.  I
want
to help you.  So does Mack." 
  Walking with Z's help, my knees feel like they're going to buckle.  Gripping his arm tightly, I ask for a towel, and suddenly...

 
All hell breaks loose!
  Mack starts yelling with the bottle in his hand.  ‘Lorez...’
something
.  My knees buckle with the shock of sound in the room.   Everything begins shaking, as Z starts screaming in my face again.
  "What did you do?  Oh,
god,
Sweetheart... What the
FUCK
did you DO?!  FUCK!  Mack!  HELP HER!!"

 
Everything turns to chaos.  Everything explodes all around me.

 
Mack is yelling at Z now, ‘It’s been too long.’

 
Mack has me on the floor on my back.  Mack is listening to my heart.  Mack is straddling me.

 
Z is yelling and slamming things.  Z is screaming into his phone.

 
Mack is hurting my chest.  Mack is carrying me to the bedroom.

 
Z is still screaming into the phone.

 
Mack is yelling in my face, as I try to watch Z.

 
‘It’s been too long!’ Mack yells at Z while sitting beside me on the floor.
 

 
With my head heavy and tilted to the side, I just watch and try to soak in all of Z.  I want to keep him a beautiful memory forever.  Z is just so good and lovely.  Even angry and frantic, he is so lovely to watch.  My eyes are really very heavy now, but I'm desperate for more of him.

 
Mack is yelling at me again, but I don't really hear the words anymore. I don't know what he wants from me, and I don’t really care. 
  My heart is throbbing, and it feels kind of fast.  I don't like this.  This hurts again.  My eyes are closing and I can't really keep them open anymore.
  "STAY HERE!  Stay here, Sweetheart!!  KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!" 
Oh, Z.
  "I'm sorry Z...  but it’s just a broken heart... "
  I hear Z again, but I feel Mack.  Mack is kissing my mouth, and hurting my chest.

 
Opening my eyes is hard, but when I do, I see tears falling from Z's eyes, as he holds my hand to his lips.  Z is rocking back and forth.  Oh.  How pretty he is.  His eyes look like shiny marbles.
  "You are so lovely.  I wish I didn't have to leave you..."  I don't know what Z is saying to me, even as his lip's move.  Everything is humming too loudly now.  It's all I am in this moment- throbbing and gasping, pain and noise.
  I am so tired.  This exhaustion is so great, I can't fight it any longer.  I need to sleep now.

 
With a final glance at Z, I close my eyes as he grabs for me.  I can feel him shaking me, but suddenly, I'm just too tired to care.

 
Whispering, I say my goodbye.
  “I wish I could love you, Z.
   But I am gone...”
                                         

    
 
 
Part 2

                            Death

                                 Friday, June 17

  "Open your eyes, sweetheart.  I know you're here.  I know you can hear me.  Just open your eyes.  If you want me to leave, I will.  If you want me to stay, I will.  Please, love.  Open Your
Eyes
for me..."

 
I can't.  I don't want to see you.  I said goodbye.  I said it to you especially.  Please leave me here, alone.  I want to be alone now.  I want to be alone...
forever.
  "Open your eyes.  Talk to me.  I'm trying to help you.  If you don't talk to me or Mack, we’ll lose you.  Your husband and parents want you with them in Chicago. They want to take you away, so you have to Talk To Me.  I need to talk to you, to help you."  Oh.

 
They'll do it anyway.  They’ll take me.  I knew they would.  I can't fight them.  They
always
win.
  "Open your FUCKING eyes.  Right now!  Do you hear me?!  I'm very disappointed in you. You're being very bad.  Open your eyes! 
NOW!
" 
Oh god
.

 
Z's disappointed in me?  He sounds so angry.  He hates me.  I should apologize.  He should stay away.  I'm not trying to be bad.  I want to be good for Z.
  "I'm s-sorry..."  Was that out loud or was that whisper in my head?
  "Oh,
FUCK!
” 
Flinch.
  "You're here.  Open your eyes, sweetheart.  Look at me!  Look at me please!"

 
I can't, but I'm trying.  My eyes are so tired, I can't lift them. 
Please...
Z is mad at me. 
Please
, open.  Slowly, I feel the need to blink.  Oh god, the light.
  "It’s too bright… hurts..."  I hear movement.
  "Fuck, sweetheart.  There.  The lights are off.  Come on, open your eyes again.  I need to see those gorgeous eyes of yours...
Please.
"
  "My head hurts...
"
I choke.

  Looking around again, I try to clear my head.  I feel so slow and my brain feels like its smashing up against my skull with each movement I make.  Actually, I feel like I have a nasty hangover without the previous night of fun.  It's just too much for my eyes and head.  It's just too much to look at Z.
  "What happened to me?" I whisper with my eyes shut again.
  “After you collapsed, Mack and I brought you to the hospital by ambulance…" HOSPITAL! "… No!  Wait.  You're okay.  Mack is one of your physicians at the moment, and he's been taking good care of you.  It's okay.  Listen to me before you freak out.  Please."
  "I'm trying.  Does my family know where I am?"  I ask squinting.  God, I would kill for some sunglasses right now.
  "Yes.  They've been here."
  "Do they know about you and me?"  What
are
we?  Are we even a '
we'
?  No. I don’t think so.
  "No.  They know I was with you when you were admitted. That's all.  The story is we ran into each other,
accidentally
near my apartment, I could tell you weren't feeling well, I invited you to my home so you could call your family, and it was there that you collapsed.  It's all a little too
coincidental
and quite frankly, pretty lame as far as stories go, but neither your parents, nor your husband have questioned me further.  Actually, your
husband
shook my hand and thanked me for helping you.  Fuck.  I wanted to punch him in the face, but sadly, I didn’t." 

 
Even through my squinted eyes I can see Z looks like he's going to throw up after telling me that.  He really doesn't seem to like Marcus much.  You and me both Z.
  "But I didn't meet you before."
  "And
conveniently
, your parents don't remember me NOT meeting you at some function or other over the years.  They were just so thrilled that a 'Williams' helped you, and therefore,
OBVIOUSLY
understandsthe Upper Clas
s‘
Code of Silenc
e’
, that they didn't seem to remember that I hadn't in fact met you as a child.  Their relief in my name created their ignorance."

 
Z is shaking his head and smirking a little.  He really does appear to dislike all things
Upper Class.
  "So what happened to me?  I don't remember anything."
  "Look, Mack's going to be here any minute, and he would like to talk to you about it all, but just know you're going to make a full recovery, and you’re going to get better."
  "Z.  What happened?  Please tell me."  I try to open my eyes wider so I can really see his face, but it just hurts my head too much.

 
Z seems to be thinking about what to tell me.  It must be bad if he’s pausing to think.  Z is always the type who knows exactly what to say, and when to say it.  This must be really bad then.
  "You had surgery, sweetheart.  You had a small aneurism rupture in your brain, but you're fine now.  You've been in a medically-induced coma for over 2 weeks while your brain recovered, but you’re much better now.  You’ll heal.  Your vision will be fine, and you’ll feel much better soon."  Wow. 
Really?

 
“
An
aneurism?
  That’s weird; I didn’t feel like I had one.”  Oh,
duh.
 
What a stupid thing to say.

 
“
Listen to me, I will tell you anything and everything, but just not right now.  I need you to try to focus, as hard as you can.”

 
“I am focusing as hard as I can.  I had an aneurism, ya know?”  Okay, he didn’t like that joke much.  Too soon? 
Apparently,
going by Z’s look.
  “Come on, sweetheart.  We're running out of time here.  Once your family knows you're awake, they’ll move you back to the hospital in Chicago.  You need to talk to me, quickly."
  "I'm sorry... I'm trying.  My head feels so heavy and kind of like I'm drunk or something."  I can't open my eyes fully, but I can still talk.
  "I know.  I'm sorry.  But it's crucial that you talk to me before they find out you're awake.  Please, try very hard.  I'm going to ask Mack to come here, okay?"
  "Who's that?" 
Mack?
  That seems familiar, but not really.
  "Do you remember anything about the last time you were at my house?  Do you remember what happened there?"
  "No... Oh!  Do you mean when we were
together?
"  Oh, I can still blush, even with my eyes closed.
  "Ah, no... Not that.  Though that
was
pretty unforgettable."  Oh god!  His smile-voice.
  "You sound the same.  I love your voice..."

 
"Focus, sweetheart.  My friend met you at my home.  He helped you.  He brought you to this hospital and he's been monitoring you before and after the surgery.  Do you remember Mack at all?  He was very nice and very
kind
to you.  He's my friend.  Do you remember anything?" 
  "No.  I'm sorry."
  "Okay.  That's okay.  But I'm going to call him to visit you.  You'll like him.  You liked him when you met him.  Just let him come see you, okay?"
  "Okay...."  God, I'm tired.  "I need to sleep now."
  "NO!  Stay awake, love.  This is very important.  Please stay awake.  Mack will be here in a few minutes.  He works at this hospital."
  I think Z is calling his friend.  I'm in a hospital?  What did Z say about my brain?  Oh!  Is my hair gone?  I wish I could get my arms to work better.  I hope my hair isn't gone.
  "Do I still have my hair?" 
Please.
  "Um, not all of it.  But it’ll grow back.  It's just a small part near the front that's missing."  I hear Z in the background.  Is he talking to his friend? 
  My hair is missing?  My mother will be so thrilled.  She’ll try to force me to cut it
all
off now.  She hated my hair.  She hated my short frumpy body.  She hated my clothes.  She hated so much about me.  My mother really did hate me.  I think I'm crying.
  "Why are you crying, sweetheart?  Mack and I are going to do everything we can to help you.  I promise."
  "It's not that.  My hair is missing..."
  "What?  Yes, but as I said, only a little bit near the front.  It’ll grow back.  I need you to focus.  Mack and I have to ask you some important questions."
  Whispering, "I know my hair will grow back.  I don't really care about it.  It's just my mother.  She hated my long hair... she hated me. 
Always.
"
  "I don't think she hates you.  I just think she isn't a very nice person, or a very good mother."
  "That's not it.  She told me she wishes I was dead..."
What?
  "What?  When?  Tell me when."
  "I don't remember when, but I know she did.  I can remember what I was wearing."
  "Hi.  Welcome back.  How are you feeling?" 
Flinch.
  "Who, who are you?"  That voice...