I am HER... (36 page)

  "Relax.  It's nothing.  I've done it before for Petri.  He likes me; sadly, almost more than he likes his actual son.  He brings me into his companies and offices, to clean out the messes... and Craig was a mess.  So, he's out, I'm in
temporarily
, and my replacement for the New York office is being searched for as we speak.  Incidentally, Shields isn't going to last long- Just thought I would give you a heads up." He’s grinning? 
HE’S GRINNING?
 
Why?!
 
  "Why is that funny?  You know too much about me.  You could tell Mr. Petri, and get me fired.  Oh, god, you could humiliate me further in the company.  Why are you grinning?"
  "Your lack of trust no longer bothers me, it's almost
endearing
.  I wouldn't do any of those things, and I think you know it.  You
should
know it by now.  But I think you're just so stuck on betrayal and trust issues that you wait for it at every turn.  I am NOT going to fuck you over, Sweetheart.  At least trust that, even if you can't entirely trust
ME
."
  "I'm sorry but it's hard for me.  I don’t really trust anyone, ever."
  "I know, and that’s the only reason I'm not yelling, offended, or pissed at you over it."
  With absolutely perfect timing, Z’s front door buzzes.  "Saved by the buzzer..." he grins again walking toward the door.
   After putting everything on his dining room table, Z and I are quiet.  Though it’s not an
uncomfortable
silence as such, I know my last accusatory outburst has offended him some.  I really should try to either trust him, or
pretend
to trust him better.  Eventually, we thaw a little.

 
When the meal is over Z becomes relaxed enough with me again to tell me a few funny college pranks he participated in. God, I couldn't have done anything like he did.  I spent my entire childhood and teen years scared to death of my parents and their disapproval. 

 
When I say as much, Z shakes his head.  I can tell he’s shocked and bothered by the way I was raised.  Even I can finally see that it
is
a little bothersome, now that I’m slightly removed from the situation in Chicago.

                                   ==========

 
When we’re finished tidying the dishes, and I am absolutely stuffed, my phone suddenly rings and I jump again.  Well, to be fair, it’s been a while.  Should I?  Shouldn't I?  Why ruin a perfectly good meal.  Z nods, and tells me to put it on speaker phone.  Okay here we go…
  "Hello, Marcus."  I’m firm, steady, and I sound good.
  "Hi Honey, where are you?"
  "That's none of your business.  What do you want?"  Wow.  I'm all
tough
with Z listening.
  "Oh?  I think it IS my business, and so do your parents.  There’s no reason to be so uncivilized.  They're here with me.  Would you like to speak with them?"  No way!  I'm not
that
tough.  Gulp.
  "No, thank you.  What do you want Marcus?"
  "I'll ask you again, honey.  Where Are You?" 
  "And again, that's none of your business."

 
This back and forth is kind of fun actually.  I can't help grinning.  Marcus is silent for a minute.  He’s probably shaken from me challenging his authority.  Good!
  "Listen Honey, you've proved your point.  I'm sorry about Kayla,
very sorry
, so why don't you come home, and we'll discuss it.  Your parents would really like to see you as well."
  "I'm not coming home right now- maybe never.  I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do. So, why don't you just wait for me to contact you?”
  "Oh, I don't think so.  Come home,
NOW.
  I know you withdrew money, and I know you were at the Marriott, but you're not there now.  I had your car returned home.  Where are you?  Just tell me, and I'll come and get you, and we'll work this all out."
  "There’s nothing to work out, Marcus.  I'm furious with you, and your cheating, and a list of many, many other things.  I'll return
if
and
when
I'm ready."  There!  That was firm. 
   Marcus is silent again.  Quietly, I hear a muffling in the background, and low voices. 
Shit!
  My parents
are
actually there with him.  Great!  My resolve starts wavering slightly.  Z suddenly takes my hand and squeezes it.  Looking at me pointedly, he mouths, 'Relax.  Be strong.'  Okay.  I'll try, I nod.
  "Honey, your mother would like to speak with you." 
Cringe
  "No.  I'm not really in the mood for my mother’s threats and accusations Marcus.  Why don't you just deal with her?"  There’s another pause, and more silence.
   "Your mother would like you to know she has spoken with Dr. Simmons..."
Who?
  "...You remember Dr. Simmons, don't you?  Well, he has kindly agreed to see you, to help you sort through all your issues.  Would you like that?"  Z mouths
who
, and I shrug my shoulders.
   "Sort through
my
issues?  My issues are rather easily
sorted,
Marcus.  My husband is a cheating asshole who spends his days either ignoring me or berating and chastising me based on his current mood... So no, I wouldn't like to see a doctor about
my
issues."

 
I swear I heard my mother gasp in the middle of that speech. 
Asshole?
  Yup…. that's enough to set her off.
  "Darling... That's ENOUGH!" 
Flinch.
  Z squeezes my hand once more. "You will stop behaving like a child this instant.  Poor Marcus has been frantic to find you, and your father and I have been quite concerned as well.  I want you to come home.  You have played your little game long enough, and I expect you home in the next hour.  Do you understand me?"
  "I'm not going to be there in the next hour, mother.  And please stop speaking to me like I'm a child..."
  "THEN STOP BEHAVING AS SUCH!  Poor Marcus has had to field questions..."
  "Poor Marcus? 
POOR MARCUS?!
  Are you
insane
mother? 
Poor Marcus
has been sleeping around a lot,
mother
, and though that may be acceptable in your life as a
slight
infidelity
, it's not acceptable in MINE!" 
   And here’s another long silence.  I have to remind myself to breathe.  I know Z is watching me with concern.  Is my mother counting to ten as well?
  "Darling, I will not continue to speak with you this way.  You are being highly irrational and I will intervene if I must.  You have one hour, or I take matters into my own hands." 
How?
  Gulping, I ask, "How will you
intervene,
mother?  What can you do? 
Force me
to live with a cheating, abusive husband, against my will?!  What can you
really
do?"
  "Don't push this.  You won't like the consequences. I guarantee it."
  "I can't be there in an hour.  And even if I could, I
WOULDN'T
be there in an hour.  You can't do anything to me, anymore.  Goodbye, mother.  And goodbye Marcus."
  "Dr. Simmons has the legal right now to forcibly confine and/or commit you
Darling
.  I've had the paperwork drawn up.  Marcus and I have signed and approved it all. This is over, and out of your hands.  Return now and we'll talk about any
choices
you may have left."  And then the phone slams down. 
Huh
.  I guess I got that particular talent from my mother.  Giggle. 
No!
  Catching my breath… What the
fuck
was that?  Holy shit! 
Forcibly confined?
 
Committed?
  Jesus, I'm shaking.  I can’t even think at the moment.  Everything in my head is all confused and kind of fuzzy or something.  What does that mean?
  "What does she mean, Z?" I whisper.  I can barely breathe at this point.
  "Who is Dr. Simmons, Sweetheart?"  Z asks me in return.
  "I don't know.  I have
NO
idea.  What is she talking about?  Can she do that to me?"  Gasp.
  "Breathe, love.  Come on.  Breathe slowly with me.  Breathe with me..." 
Oh my god
.

 
“What is my mother going to do Z?  What does that
MEAN?
  I don’t understand.  Papers drawn up?  Marcus’ and her consent?  For
WHAT?!”

 
After an eternity, Z pulls away from me. Oh! I hadn’t realized he was hugging me, that’s so nice of him.  Pulling away, Z looks so concerned but I don’t know if it’s
for
me, or because of what might
happen
to me.

 
“I'm going to make a quick call.  My very good friend is a psychiatrist in New York.  He is
very
professional and
very
discreet.  I'm just going to ask him a few questions.  Okay?"
  All I have in me is a nod.  Everything else is cold and just kind of blank.  I don't know that I can even walk at the moment.

                                
==========

  When Z returns, minutes later, he looks a little tense.  What now?  Christ, if he now wants me out of here, I'm in trouble.  I don't even know if I can function, let alone leave for Chicago.  Please don't make me leave. 
Please don't leave me alone.
  "Okay, this is what I have so far.  Simmons is a very well known, much respected psychiatrist out of Chicago.  I say that because on paper he is above reproach.  He has never been accused or reprimanded for breach of any ethics laws.  He's never even had a formal complaint.  There is absolutely nothing against him, anywhere...

 
“…However, my friend has heard, and it is widely known within the psychiatric community that Simmons practices a little controversially, and these practices are
loosely
regulated.  He has a major 'god complex' and he practices within the upper crust of society only, because he’s one of them. And he specializes in unruly teens, teens with alcohol or drug dependencies and the like.  Basically, any teen who has, or
could
embarrass their very wealthy, established parents are sent to Dr. Simmons... t
o
‘
cure’
."
  "But why me?  I'm 29 years old!  I've never seen him before.  I don't know who he is.  Why would he agree to my mother’s demands to have me..." deep breath "forcibly confined and/or committed against my will?  It doesn't make any sense Z!  Because I left my cheating husband, this well-known psychiatrist is willing to break the law?  It's not like I'm a minor.  He would have to prove to a Judge that I'm unfit, or like, mentally incapacitated or something, right?"
  "My friend Mack is curious as well.  I gave him a slight overview of events, and he was shocked that your mother thinks any of this is necessary or even easily possible.  Mack would like to talk to you, to understand your take on things.  He’s willing to work with me to help you, if you let him."
  "Why would he want to?  I'm clearly more trouble than I'm worth, especially if he has to go up against someone as well known and respected as this Simmons is.  Why would he want to?"
  "First; because I asked him to get involved.  And second; because Mack is a good man.  I've known him a long time, and I trust him with my life.  But more importantly, I trust him with
your
life."
  God... I need to think, but I just can’t think anymore.  The fear is making me mindless.  What do I do?  I have to return.  I have no choice.
  "Why are you doing this?" I whisper.
  "Because I care about you, and I want you to have a little peace in your life.  I want you to experience life for yourself.  It's not like you've ever really lived for yourself.  And I want that for you.  I want you to make choices, because
you
choose them, not because you are
forced
to choose them.”

 
I just can’t think anymore.  There is nothing working in my brain.  Everything seems strangely distorted or something.

 
“Would you please meet with Mack?  He’s a great guy, and I’ll be here if you need me to be, or I'll give you privacy if you need it.  I promise this is a good thing."
  "Um... okay.  When?" 
  "He said he can meet us here tomorrow evening for dinner.  That way, when you and he meet it will be in a friendly, casual environment.  I explained you have major issues with trust, and he seems to think you would do well on familiar ground.  Does that sound okay?  You can always change your mind tomorrow.  There's no pressure, Sweetheart."
  "Okay, tomorrow for dinner.  But don't think you've fooled me.  I know you were going to cook something up to have me stay here tomorrow anyway."
  "Yes, I was.  And this worked out perfectly."  Finally, he’s smiling again and much less tense.