I am HER... (16 page)

 
“Why are you speaking to me like I'm an idiot?"
  "Say it!"  He yells at me. 
WHAT THE HELL?!
  "
Fine!
  THANK YOU, Z. Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Good, enough?!"
  "And?  Continue please..."
  "I. AM. SORRY, Z.  SO FUCKING SORRY!!  Please FORGIVE me!!  I don't know what you want, but there!! I’M SO SORRY, YOU
ASSHOLE!!
  Ooops.  You didn't DEMAND that, but I threw it in any way!  Good enough NOW?"  Ha! 
Asshole!
  TAKE THAT!
  "Yes.  Thank you.  That was perfect.  Though, I could have done without the asshole, the rest was lovely."  Is he insane? 
Shit
.  I can’t hold back my laughter.
  "Ah... That's better.  Now, please don't get hysterical on me, but a little laughter is acceptable..." he chuckles in return.
  "You're crazy, Z.  Why did you want me to say that?  I really AM sorry for all this.  It IS very embarrassing for me.  And I really AM grateful to you for aiding me last night.  There is nothing wrong with that."  I breathe as a little giggle carries over.
  "No.  There is nothing wrong with that.  However, I want you to just relax so you can simply talk to me with honesty.  Therefore, I thought it best to get all your obsessive gratitude, embarrassment and apologies out of the way.  Now, I would like to have a conversation with you without either of the following... 'I'm sorry' and/or 'thank you'.  Do you think you could please try to avoid those two statements?"  
Doubtful.
  "Um... I can try.  But it's hard.  I was
bred
to speak a certain way, and I always have...”
  "I understand about your
breeding
... but please try.  For me?"
  Sighing, "Yes.  I'll try."

 
"Well, now that all
that’s
out of the way, AND you've called me an asshole... I would like to ask you a few questions." 
Ugh.
 
  "Okay,"  I whisper.
  "Oh, Sweetheart... don't sound so frightened.  This is going to be fun."  Again, I can
hear
his smile.
  "I'm guessing this will
only
be fun for you... but I'll try."  Here we go.  This is going to be awful, I just know it.
  "Okay.  For starters, what do you want to do about your marriage and your
husband?
" He sneers.
  "Um... I don't know.  I haven't had any time to think about him yet.  I know I don't really want to go back, but I'm not sure if it's that easy for me."
  "It IS that easy.  Just make a decision, and change your life to fit your decision."
  "Nothing’s that easy, Z.  We have a home together.  We have joint bills, and joint money invested.  We have joint everything.  He holds the title to my car, though I paid for it.  He is the major buyer on our home, though my pay checks pay the mortgage equally.  Financially, I am completely eclipsed by him.  So, it's NOT that easy."  This is bad.  I am so
screwed.
   "Ah, I didn't even realize it until now, but I'm pretty screwed actually, at least
financially
by Marcus." 
Shit.

 
"Finances can be manipulated, altered, or changed.  Money and financial issues are probably the easiest hurdle."
  "Marcus is a tax accountant.  He knows money.  He knows all the 'loop-holes'.  I think he even drafted a few such loop-holes.  So, financially, I really
am
in quite a bit of trouble.  Going up against Marcus will be very difficult.  Plus..."  Shit. 
  "Plus, what?"
  "Um... Marcus is very close to my parents... actually, he’s more like their child than I am.  So, it’ll be even harder to change things because Marcus invests much of their money.  They're very wealthy, and Marcus has made them even wealthier.  He uses their money, invests, buys and sells, and splits profits without taxing himself, or indirectly
me
... I guess.  I know he uses small 'dummy' companies within a lower tax bracket.   I'm assuming it's kind of illegal, or right on the fringe at least, but my parents and Marcus all have an agreement and I think he could easily change that if I leave him.  Or he could at least
threaten
to, which would force my parents to force me
to behave.  And he is the Executor of their will, not me, so he can take whatever he wants and ruin me."  Oh.  This is so much worse than I thought.
  "So, again... I'm hearing
financial
issues.  If I told you my dearest friend, whom, incidentally, I trust with my life, was a senior corporate Rep for the I.R.S., what would you say?"  Gulp.
  "Ah... I'd say I'm sorry I told you any of this."
  Barking a laugh, Z responds, "I love your quick, witty responses.  No worries, Sweetheart, I would never divulge a confidence, unless you ask me to..." 
Which I never will.
  "Which you never will, I'm assuming." 
Jeez...
He's good.
  "Probably not.  I like to do things on my own."
  "Yes.  I am well aware of your rather obsessive independence."  Oh, good.
Obsessive?
  "I'm not obsessive about it.  I just find it easier to do things for myself, rather than be disappointed when..."
  "Disappointed when you are let down, and/or betrayed?  Am I right?" 
  "You know you're right.  Please...
please
don't play games with me," I beg.   I don't like this at all.
  "Oh, Sweetheart... I'm not playing games with you.  I'm listening to what you do and don’t say and repeating it back to you.  I want you to hear all I hear.  I want you to see all I see.  Remember, I'm just learning you, but you have known yourself always.  Therefore, I am a fresh perspective to all you know, say, and feel.  Do you understand what I'm trying to give to you?" 
  "I know when you give back to me my own words; I don't like to hear them.  I sound pathetic.  I sound like a loser.  I never thought I was a loser, until all of this and I hate it.  I hate the way you see me.  I'm embarrassed that I'm essentially, completely transparent. I don't like this game, anymore."   I feel so sad suddenly.
  "You sound very sad right now.  That’s not my intention.  I would like to help strengthen you for a potentially difficult upcoming fight.  You may or may not leave your husband for good, but you need to strengthen yourself to make some changes.  I don’t want you in a situation where you ever feel this trapped again.  I would like that for you,
Ms. Independent
.  Can you see the contradiction?" 
Christ!
  Even Z thinks I'm an idiot.
  "Yes, I see it!  This wasn't my intention you know!  It just
happened,
okay?!  Marcus and my parents are very strict, very
strong
people.  They think they always know what's best for me, so they push their decisions on me.  If it had been just one or the other, I could have fought.  I bought the love seat and chair!"  Not that he knows what the hell
that
means.  "But it's not one or the other- It's always THEM,
together
.  If he says, they agree. If they say, he agrees.  I'm the only one who ever has a problem with their decisions.  It's just easier to give in every time, because as they always say,
I. Am. The. Problem
, not them."

 
What am I doing here?  What am I going to do? 
I'm going to give in
.  I always give in.  I have no other choice
but
to give in.
  "You are not going to give in this time.  Your husband emotionally and somewhat physically abused you.  You don’t have to give in this time, and quite frankly, I will be very disappointed if you do.  He cheated on you, by his own words, 'with many women', so you have grounds to fight.  You can have anything you want, if you choose to fight.”

 
If I
choose?
  I'll never win the fight.  There is nothing I can say to Z to make him understand.  There is nothing I can give but my silence.

 
"Ah... I'm starting to hear the refusal to fight.  I can sense your retreat.  Listen to me; I’m not trying to force you to do anything, as they force you to do.  I'm just giving you options, that's all.  A different perspective, if you will.  Maybe a better perspective than what you’ve always known.  You can
do
, or
have
anything you want, starting today.  Today, you can map out your whole life.  You can do anything..."
  "I CAN’T do
anything!
I NEVER can!  That's the point, Z.  You don't know me, and you DON'T know my life.  It's NOT easy.  It's NOT filled with options and opportunity.  This life of mine is completely
constructed
and static.  It is me who has upended my life.  If I hadn't felt
weird
and kind of messed up this week, I wouldn't have told Marcus sex was not good, I wouldn't have been home working, looking horribly incompetent for my boss, and Marcus wouldn't have been drunk and aggressive.  I wouldn't know about the cheating.  I wouldn't fear my employment stability.  I would be at home, right now, unloading the local, macro-biotic fruit and vegetables Marcus insists I buy..."

 
There.  That was a mouthful, but I don't actually feel better though, like I thought I would.
  "Yes.  I don't know you well, and I certainly don't know the intricacies of your life, but I know a tragic situation when I see it.  And I want to help."
  "No, you DON’T! 
Jesus!
  Can't you just leave me alone?!  Stop talking for five minutes.  I just need to think, okay?  This is
MY
life, and I don't want you
interfering
with it.  I don't want
YOU
to have an opinion.  I don't want you..."  Shit.  Breathe.  Calm down.

 
"There.  That was better.  You calmed a rising panic-attack.  Good girl.  I AM going to help you.  I decided to help you when I first heard your voice on Tuesday.  I know you enough, and I know what you need.  So you can either work with me, or fight me.  It won't matter either way, because I will still help you.  But if you fight me, you’ll just end up more exhausted and battle weary.  But it is your choice."

 
My
choice?  When have I ever had a choice?  "It's not my choice.  You just told me you were going to help regardless... So again, I have NO choice.  Can you see how absurd your statement is?"
  "No.  I said you have a choice, not
ALL
the choices.  I'm helping you regardless of what you choose.  Whether you accept my help or not, is not going to change anything.  But you can
choose
to accept my help.  Think about it.  I will give you two hours, and then I'm calling you back and we’ll talk."  Two hours?  What the hell will I figure out in two hours?
  "Um... I need more time to..."
  "No, two hours is what I'm offering.  I'm going to call you back, and we're going to talk. 
Really
talk.  You will accept my help, or not, but you WILL give me your decision in two hours."
  "Z... I can't think anymore..."

 
"That's the point.  I'm here now, to think
for
or
with
you-
Your
choice.  Two hours, love.  I'm calling you back at 2:15.  Please have your answer ready."  
Shit!

                                
==========

 
At 2:10, I realize I want Z's help.  I actually want it.  And knowing I want his help gives me a sense of peace I have rarely, if ever, felt before.  Knowing I will have such a straight-forward man in my corner makes me feel a kind of relief, an actual sense of calm.  I'm content and excited, so when the phone rings, I'm ready.  I don't jump or gasp.  I answer calmly.

 
"Hi."
  "Hello, Sweetheart.  How are you feeling?"
  "Good.  I'm good.  I, ah, have decided to accept your help.  Um, please help me."  There!  I jumped off the cliff.
  "I would love to help you, and I'm honored that you are
willing
to let me.  I would have helped anyway, but I'm glad I don't have to fight you as well."  Again, there’s a smile in his voice.
  "Thank you.  But I still don't quite know what I want.  I need a few days to clear my head a little.  Is that okay?"
  "Absolutely.  Do you love your husband?"  Ah...Yes?  No?  Um...
  "Yes, I love him... I
married
him.  But it's just not, you know, like passionate love or anything. Marcus is more like a room-mate."  A
gross
room-mate.
  "A
room-mate
?  Well, that
WOULD
be disappointing.  Did he disappoint you sexually as well?"
  "
Oh god yes...
" SHIT!  That was out loud again.  Argh!  THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!
  "
Really...?
  Well, that’s very sad to hear.  Did he ever please you sexually?  Or has it merely faded over time?  Incidentally, how long have you been married?"
  "We've been married 6 years, and no, he’s never
pleased
... me."  Gulp.  I don't like that word much either.
  "6 years?  You would have been a baby when you married.  Why would your parents allow you to marry so early?"  They wanted rid of me?
  "Um... 23 isn't a baby, and Marcus was 29, my age now, so it was balanced out, I think."  Was it?  Was it
ever
balanced between is?  No, I don’t think it was.