Hung Up (3 page)

Lucy:
You’re acting like you’re the one who’s been saddled with the assignment. It’s my essay.

James:
What teenager uses the word “saddled”?

Lucy:
I do. And teenage equestrians.

James:
My point is that writing essays isn’t a natural activity. After school, you never write essays in the real world.

Lucy:
When we’re in college, we’ll be writing a lot more essays.

James:
College isn’t the real world.

Lucy:
What if you become a professor? Then it would be the real world.

James:
You sure do like to argue.

Lucy:
You’re the one who picks the fights.

James:
Stop. Stop. Stop.

Lucy:
Fine. Fine. Fine. But you started it.

James:
Lucy, what color is your hair?

Lucy:
Why? Are you going to accuse me of being a redhead? Do you live your life based on stereotypes?

James:
I have brown hair. It’s sort of long and curls over my ears.

Lucy:
You have curly hair? Like a guy with a perm?

James:
Just the ends curl. Mostly just the hair above my ears. Girls try to flick it all the time.

Lucy:
What kind of girls? And what do they flick it with? Pens? Their fingers? Why are you telling me this?

James:
Cute girls. They flick it with pens, pencils—eraser
end as well as graphite tip—fingers, Popsicle sticks, french fries. I get teased by cute girls. All. The. Time.

Lucy:
Nobody should put french fries near another person’s ears. That’s a disturbing image.

James:
It’s not like they have ketchup on them.

Lucy:
It doesn’t matter. Aren’t they hot?

James:
The french-fry flicking only happened once. In the school cafeteria. It was a lukewarm spud.

Lucy:
Moving on. I’m calling to get help with my essay, James.

James:
I know. But what color is your hair?

Lucy:
Maybe I don’t have hair.

James:
So you’re a baldy. . . .

Lucy:
I was kidding. That was a joke.

James:
I bet you have brown hair. I bet it’s straight. How long is your straight brown hair?

Lucy:
I have to write a position paper. My government teacher wants me to explore two sides of an issue.

James:
Why are you working on an essay on Friday night?

Lucy:
It’s due on Wednesday.

James:
Oh god. You’re a bigger overachiever than I realized.

Lucy:
I wouldn’t say that. It’s not like I’m panting to get in to Harvard.

James:
You applied to Harvard?

Lucy:
No. I enjoy learning at my own pace.

James:
So where did you apply?

Lucy:
I don’t feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.

James:
And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.

Lucy:
My head-hair volume is fine.

James:
You say that like I should be concerned about leg-hair volume.

Lucy:
James Rusher, I am not a hairy person. Hey, stop laughing at me.

James:
Okay. Okay. Do you want to know where I applied to college?

Lucy:
THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE INCREASES MY STRESS LEVEL!

James:
So we’re not going to talk about it?

Lucy:
Let’s put that on the list of banned topics.

James:
First you refuse to text with me. Now you’re banning topics. That’s very totalitarian of you.

Lucy:
I never said I was perfect.

James:
Okay. So what’s your issue? I mean, with your essay.

Lucy:
You seem to like guessing games.

James:
Abortion?

Lucy:
No way.

James:
Euthanasia?

Lucy:
Please.

James:
The death penalty?

Lucy:
Not even close.

James:
Clubbing baby harp seals?

Lucy:
The drinking age.

James:
Oh.

Lucy:
I think it should be eighteen.

James:
You do?

Lucy:
What do you think?

James:
I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Lucy:
But I helped you out with your paper about that open boat, and I’d never even read the story.

James:
I just turned eighteen. I don’t drink.

Lucy:
That’s partly because it’s not legal, right?

James:
I don’t think drinking is all that important.

Lucy:
This is great. It’s like you’re an anomaly. Because basically most guys your age not only feel they should be able to drink, but they’re already drinking.

James:
Yeah, it’s not my thing.

Lucy:
Perfect. I’ll tell you my side of the issue. Then you tell me your side of the issue. Then we’ll have two sides. Essay done.

James:
What do you mean, “we”?
You
will have two sides. I don’t need a side. I’m getting ready to take a bath.

Lucy:
You take baths? You’re an eighteen-year-old guy and you take baths? You’re a bigger anomaly than I realized.

James:
They’re not bubble baths. They’re just your basic bath. I like to soak my muscles. I worked out really hard today. What are you saying? Guys can’t take baths now?

Lucy:
I didn’t think I was saying
that
. Hey, you sound upset.

James:
Well, my plans are to dunk myself this evening.

Lucy:
Dunk yourself? That’s a weird euphemism for taking a bath.

James:
This is more than a bath. I’m dunking my whole self. My body and my soul.

Lucy:
Are you playing with me or are you being serious? I can’t tell if you’re really upset.

James:
I’m not
really
upset.

Lucy:
Great. Let’s get to why you don’t drink.

James:
I don’t want to.

Lucy:
Why? Did you have a bad experience with it? How many times have you been drunk?

James:
I’ve never been drunk. I think it’s disgusting.

Lucy:
Drinking or being drunk?

James:
Both.

Lucy:
Oh.

James:
How is this helping you with your issue paper?

Lucy:
This part isn’t. I was just curious.

James:
Let me help you and then I’ve got to go.

Lucy:
You don’t have to help me.

James:
I think the drinking age should either stay at twenty-one or be raised higher.

Lucy:
Really? How high?

James:
Twenty-five.

Lucy:
Holy shit.

James:
That’s when important parts of the brain are fully developed. Fully.

Lucy:
You don’t drink because you’re worried about your brain development?

James:
I’m answering your question.

Lucy:
Do you have the science to back this up?

James:
Of course there’s science to back this up. I’m not pulling it out of my butt.

Lucy:
Gross way to put that.

James:
I’m tired, Lucy. Can’t you just Google this stuff?

Lucy:
That’s not how I write my papers.

James:
I meant for the science stuff.

Lucy:
Oh.

James:
I’ve had a long day.

Lucy:
All that working out?

James:
Me and Jairo had a fight.

Lucy:
A bad one?

James:
Yeah.

Lucy:
But guys are great at moving beyond drama. It’s some sort of genetic male-bond thingy.

James:
There you go with your stereotypes again.

Lucy:
Stereotypes are based on truth.

James:
Whatever.

Lucy:
I’m sorry about your fight.

James:
Me too.

Lucy:
Thanks for your help.

James:
You’re being generous. It wasn’t all that useful.

Lucy:
It was sort of useful. It made me realize that I need to think harder about the other side of my issue.

James:
I like that. Calling me makes a girl want to think harder about her issues.

Lucy:
Okay. Now I can tell that you’re really upset. So what did you fight with Jairo about? Can I ask?

James:
Guy stuff.

Lucy:
I have no idea what that means.

James:
Our fight was about a girl.

Lucy:
Oh.

James:
It was about a girl I used to date.

Lucy:
Beth Howie?

James:
No. Somebody recent.

Lucy:
This sounds serious.

James:
Her name is Nan.

Lucy:
Is that short for Nancy?

James:
No. It’s just Nan.

Lucy:
I’ve never met a Nan before. Are you
sure
it’s not short for something?

James:
Don’t make fun of her name, Lucy. I really like her.

Lucy:
I wasn’t making fun of her name.

James:
Yes you were. Just like you made fun of Beth Howie’s last name.

Lucy:
You’re being hypersensitive.

James:
Jairo is taking her to our senior dance. Spring Bash.

Lucy:
That sucks.

James:
That’s an understatement.

Lucy:
Would you say this is typical or atypical behavior for Jairo?

James:
What are you getting at?

Lucy:
Well, he recently suffered a head injury. Remember?

James:
Are you talking about the tree limb?

Lucy:
Yes. How would you describe the impact with his head: medium, hard, or extrahard?

James:
Are you being serious?

Lucy:
Of course I am. Sometimes people who suffer head injuries need another good knock to return to their senses.

James:
That’s not the problem. I guess they’ve liked each other for a while.

Lucy:
I’m sorry.

James:
I guess these things happen.

Lucy:
I don’t know if that’s true. My best friend CeCe would never date one of my exes. Ever.

James:
Your best friend is named CeCe and you made fun of the name Nan?

Lucy:
CeCe is way more common than Nan.

James:
No. It’s not.

Lucy:
Doesn’t matter. Jairo and Nan won’t last. You can’t build a relationship on that kind of rocky foundation.

James:
How do you know whether or not their foundation is rocky?

Lucy:
I’m guessing.

James:
Thanks for trying to cheer me up. It’s just a dance.

Lucy:
When is it?

James:
Two weeks. The eighteenth.

Lucy:
Take a really hot girl as your date. Show them that you don’t care.

James:
But I do care.

Lucy:
That’s so sweet of you. You’ve got a soft heart.

James:
Wait. You just accused me of stereotyping girls based on hair color. But
you’re
the one who has way too many stereotypes about
guys
. All guys have hearts. Okay. We’ve also got a lot of hormones. But we still have hearts.

Lucy:
Maybe.

James:
Ask your brother. I’m sure he’ll back me up on this.

Lucy:
I don’t have a brother.

James:
That explains a lot.

Lucy:
Please. That doesn’t explain anything.

James:
What’s your sibling situation?

Lucy:
It’s just me.

James:
Are you an only child?

Lucy:
I just told you that it’s just me. What’s your family situation?

James:
I have a brother. His name is Bo.

Lucy:
Older or younger?

James:
Older.

Lucy:
How old?

James:
He’s twenty-one.

Lucy:
Is he hot?

James:
Are you the type of girl who’s always looking for the next best thing?

Lucy:
Absolutely.

James:
I don’t know if Bo is hot or not.

Lucy:
How many girlfriends has he had?

James:
A lot.

Lucy:
Then he’s probably hot.

James:
My bath is getting cold. I’ve got to go.

Lucy:
I didn’t realize you’d filled the tub.

James:
I filled it right before you called. But I didn’t want to be naked while I talked to you.

Lucy:
That was thoughtful.

James:
Call me and tell me how your paper turns out.