HUGE X2 (8 page)

It seems to take less than a second for Nath to pull
his fist back and make a connection with Aaron’s jaw.
 
 
The
crack of bone on bone is so loud it makes me flinch.
 
Eth pushes me behind him so he’s in a
position to step in but Nathan doesn’t need his help.
 
Aaron is on his ass in the dirt, clutching
his face.

“Fuck you,” Nathan says, squeezing his fist.
 
He spits on the floor right by Aaron’s feet
and then turns to us.

“Come on,” he says, and Eth takes hold of my hand as
we follow Nathan through the parked cars.
 
When we reach the door of the bar, Nathan hands Ethan his keys.
 
“Take her to the car,” he says.
 
“I’ll find her friends and tell them she’s
with us.”

Ethan nods and I’m steered to where Nathan’s car is
parked.
 
It’s only when we get there that
Ethan turns to me.
 
He looks pissed and
worried and his chest is rising and falling so fast it’s as though he’s been
for another run.
 
“What the fuck,
Carrie?” he says, looking my face over as though he’s checking for
injuries.
 
“What were you doing out here
with that asshole?”

I look down, feeling stupid and ashamed and I don’t
have any answers, at least none that would make any sense to Ethan.
 
Nothing about it makes any sense to me
either.
 
I look up at him and I can’t
hold it in anymore.
 
I start to cry,
putting my hands up to hide from him.
 
He
pulls my curled form towards him and cradles me as my body is racked by
sobs.
 
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs into my
hair. “I’m so fucking sorry, Carrie.
 
For
everything.”

I don’t want to hear him say that. I don’t want him to
blame himself for any of this.
 
I throw
my arms around his neck and I tell him that it’s me who’s sorry and that
everything is my fault.
 
I can’t stop
crying but Ethan doesn’t try and make me.
 
It’s as though he knows I need to let it out.
 
Everything is there, pushing behind my
eyes.
 
The guilt, the shame, the fear
that mom wouldn’t make it.
 

Then Nathan returns from the club and his big warm
hand on my shoulder seems to bring me back to my senses.
 
I turn from Eth to hug Nath.
 
I just want him to know that I’m sorry too.
 
He doesn’t let me burrow into his chest like
Eth did, though. He takes hold of my face in his huge hands and forces me to
look at him.

“This is stupid,” he says, with anger and exasperation
clear in his voice.
 
“This is all fucking
stupid.
 
Why are you doing this,
Carrie?
 
Why are you pushing us away and
putting yourself in danger with assholes like that?”

I shake my head as if to say I don’t know but that
only seems to inflame him.
 
“I can’t do
this anymore,” he says.
 
“I can’t walk
around pretending like nothing happened.
 
I love you.
 
We love you.
 
You can’t push us away like this.”

Tears flow freely down my cheeks and I try to swallow
against the lump that has formed in my throat.
 
I can’t do this anymore either.
 
I
can’t carry on fooling myself that I can be without them.
 
My heart is broken because I pushed them
away.
 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
 
“I’m so sorry.
 
I promised myself that I wouldn’t let
anything happen between us again.
 
I
promised because…” I can’t finish the sentence but Nathan won’t give up.

“Why, Carrie?” he says, looking deep into my eyes,
searching for the answers that I’ve denied them so far.

“Because I felt guilty for what we did.
 
Because I knew people would think it was
wrong.
 
I promised because I thought fate
was punishing me.”

Nathan uses his thumbs to stroke away my tears.
 
Both the twins are silent and I think I’ve
gone too far.
 
I should have just kept my
mouth shut.
 

“You’re talking in the past tense,” Ethan says
softly.
 
“Do you still think those
things?”

I shake my head, looking between my beautiful
boys.
 
Their eyes are filled with
tenderness and longing that I know must be reflected in mine.
 
I missed them so much.
 
“I’m so sorry,” I say again.
 
I need them to know.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Ethan says from behind
me.
 
“Sorry doesn’t move us forward.
 
Sorry isn’t what we need, baby.
 
Just tell us that you want this too.
 
That’s all we need to hear.”

“I want this,” I gasp, surprising myself with the
fierceness in my voice.
 
“I love you.”

Nathan bends and kisses me hard on the mouth.
 
Ethan slips his hand into my hair from behind
and grips, turning my face into his and doing the same.
 
We’re in a public lot but I don’t care who
sees. My lips feel bruised but I don’t care about that either.
 
The pain makes the longing I feel for them
sharper.

“Get in the car, Carrie,” Ethan says.
 
Nathan unlocks the vehicle and opens the rear
door for me.
 
I slide in, while Ethan
goes around to the passenger side.
 
We
drive in silence and I assume that they are taking me home, but then we pull
off the road towards a motel and my heart skips in my chest.
 
The silence now feels tense.
 
We all know what’s going to happen next.
 
Just the thought has me throbbing between my
legs.
 
Ethan turns in his seat and
reaches back, putting his hand on the inside of my knee and stroking.
 
My clit pulses with every movement.
 

“We’re going to take care of you,” he says with so
much love in his voice.
 
“We’ll always
take care of you.”

I blink, feeling his words like a warm blanket around
my heart.
 
I feel the weight of his
promise.
 
I know the truth of it
too.
 
In every doubt I’ve had about being
with the twins, it has never been because of a worry about them.
 
I know how honorable they are, how caring and
considerate.
 
I’ve felt their concern for
me every day since mom’s accident.
 
Even
when we were fooling around, they had given me pleasure before taking it for
themselves.

Nathan finds a space and turns off the engine.
 
The twins are up and out of the car, slamming
their doors at exactly the same time.
 
Ethan opens my door and Nathan circles the car to wait next to him.
 
I feel worn out and drained from months of
self-inflicted pain and hurt.
 
I just
want to get inside the quiet space of a motel room and curl up on a bed with the
twins beside me.
 
I think I could sleep
for a week with the security of their presence.
 
But there’s another part of me that’s come alive since I accepted that I
can’t deny what’s in my heart.
 
That part
is desperate for more of my boys.

“Come on, Peanut,” Ethan says gently, taking hold of
my hand.
 
I want to reach out for Nathan
too but he puts his hands in his pockets and walks ahead.
 
I guess they’re used to taking it in turns when
it comes to showing public affection.
 
Any rumors that have circulated about them have always come because the
girls they had been with had kissed and told.

At the desk, Nathan asks for a room.
 
He pays up and the twins lead me along a
dimly lit corridor to a door.
 
The number
of the door is three and it seems like something more than a coincidence.
 
I’ve been worried so much about what three
means for us but now, as I stand between Ethan and Nathan, three feels like the
best place in the world.

When the door closes, Ethan puts on the bedside
lamp.
 
I stand, looking at the bed,
knowing what is coming and wanting it so much.
 
But I can’t deny that I’m scared.
 
This isn’t just sex.
 
What we do
next is going to be the start of something and once it has happened there won’t
be any going back.
 
I know this.
 

The twins don’t speak. They just move closer until all
my senses are filled with them.
 
Nathan
draws my zip down painfully slowly.
 
Ethan takes my hand and presses it to his
heart.

“You feel that, Carrie,” he says as the thumping under
my palm gets faster.
 
“That’s because of
you.”
 

I feel like I can’t breathe when Nathan start to peel
away the fabric on my dress until the lace pools at my feet.
 
The twins seem to take in a synchronized
breath as I stand before them in my black lace panties and gold heels.
 
My knees are weak with anticipation.
 
I need them.
 
I need them to surround me, to hold me upright when I feel I no longer have
the strength to do it myself.
 

“Sit on the bed, Carrie.”
 
The quiet order comes from Nathan as he
kneels at my feet to unstrap my sandals.
 
He kisses my ankles where the buckles have left little indents.

Ethan takes a seat on the bed, resting back against
the decorative pillows.
 
He pats the spot
between his legs and I crawl to kneel between them.
 
I use my thumb to brush over his bottom lip,
remembering the way Nathan had done the same thing at the club so many months
ago.
 
I feel like a different person from
that girl.
 
Older and more serious.
 
Surer too, about what I want.
 
Ethan pulls me in to kiss him, impatient as
he was in the lot.
 
He tastes of passion
and desire as our tongues slide against each other.
 
Nathans hands on my waist only adds to the
heat.
 
Four hands caress me.
 
Two mouths tell me they ache for me as much
as I for them.
 
Nathan’s lips press
kisses into the curve of my back, his fingers skating the lace of my panties in
a way that feels teasing.
 

“Take them off,” I say, arching my back.
 
Ethan puts his hands to my breasts, squeezing
gently, pinching the nipples until I gasp.
 
I watch Nathan’s huge hands push the fabric over my hips and thighs and
I adjust my position so he can round them past my knees and then my feet.
 

“Spread your legs,” he says, pushing at the inside of
my thigh and I do, until I feel my pussy lips part, the wetness between my legs
cooling in the night air.
 
They both move
to touch me there at the same time, Nathan sliding his hand over the roundness
of my ass, and down into the crack.
 
His
fingers find my entrance and he strokes slowly, as though he can feel that I’ve
tensed all of a sudden.
 
Ethan’s finger
finds my clit and he circles it slowly and gently too.
 
My hands grip the coverlet, needing to find
purchase on something before I float away.
 
I can’t stop my hips from moving and wanting to take more.
 
When I push back against Nathan’s fingers he
forces them in deep.
 
I make a sound so
low and guttural it vibrates in my throat.
 
Ethan kisses me again, using his tongue to fuck my mouth while his
brother’s fingers do the same to my pussy.
 
Every movement is bringing me closer but I don’t want to come like
this.
 
After everything that’s happened I
want to know what it feels like to be with them properly.

I draw away from Ethan, cupping his face with both my
hands.
 
His eyes look dazed and I love
that he’s so into what we are doing.
 
I
need more, though, but I don’t know what the etiquette is.
 
When there’s two of you, it’s straight
forward.
 
With three, there’s the chance
someone might feel left out.
 
I want to
tell him that I want him but I don’t want to hurt Nathan in the process.
 
As though he can sense the reason for my
hesitation, Ethan puts his hand around the back of my neck possessively and
pulls me close.
 

“Do you want this?” he asks gruffly.

“I want you, both,” I tell him cautiously, and he
smiles.