How to Win Friends and Influence People (16 page)

to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened

to be in the right.

“And this mode, which I at first put on with some

violence to natural inclination, became at length so easy,

and so habitual to me, that perhaps for these fifty years

past no one has ever heard a dogmatical expression escape

me. And to this habit (after my character of integrity)

I think it principally owing that I had earned so

much weight with my fellow citizens when I proposed

new institutions, or alterations in the old, and so much

influence in public councils when I became a member;

for I was but a bad speaker, never eloquent, subject to

much hesitation in my choice of words, hardly correct in

language, and yet I generally carried my points.”

How do Ben Franklin’s methods work in business?

Let’s take two examples.

Katherine A, Allred of Kings Mountain, North Carolina,

is an industrial engineering supervisor for a yarn-processing

plant. She told one of our classes how she

handled a sensitive problem before and after taking our

training:

“Part of my responsibility,” she reported, “deals with

setting up and maintaining incentive systems and standards

for our operators so they can make more money by

producing more yarn. The system we were using had

worked fine when we had only two or three different

types of yarn, but recently we had expanded our inventory

and capabilities to enable us to run more than

twelve different varieties. The present system was no

longer adequate to pay the operators fairly for the work

being performed and give them an incentive to increase

production. I had worked up a new system which would

enable us to pay the operator by the class of yam she

was running at any one particular time. With my new

system in hand, I entered the meeting determined to

prove to the management that my system was the right

approach. I told them in detail how they were wrong

and showed where they were being unfair and how I

had all the answers they needed. To say the least, I

failed miserably! I had become so busy defending my

position on the new system that I had left them no opening

to graciously admit their problems on the old one.

The issue was dead.

“After several sessions of this course, I realized all too

well where I had made my mistakes. I called another

meeting and this time I asked where they felt their problems

were. We discussed each point, and I asked them

their opinions on which was the best way to proceed.

With a few low-keyed suggestions, at proper intervals, I

let them develop my system themselves. At the end of

the meeting when I actually presented my system, they

enthusiastically accepted it.

"I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished

and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a

person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only

succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making

yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.”

Let’s take another example - and remember these

cases I am citing are typical of the experiences of thousands

of other people. R. V. Crowley was a salesman for

a lumber company in New York. Crowley admitted that

he had been telling hard-boiled lumber inspectors for

years that they were wrong. And he had won the arguments

too. But it hadn’t done any good. “For these lumber

inspectors,” said Mr. Crowley, "are like baseball

umpires. Once they make a decision, they never change

it,”

Mr. Crowley saw that his firm was losing thousands of

dollars through the arguments he won. So while taking

my course, he resolved to change tactics and abandon

arguments. With what results? Here is the story as he

told it to the fellow members of his class:

“One morning the phone rang in my office. A hot and

bothered person at the other end proceeded to inform

me that a car of lumber we had shipped into his plant

was entirely unsatisfactory. His firm had stopped unloading

and requested that we make immediate arrangements

to remove the stock from their yard. After about

one-fourth of the car had been unloaded, their lumber

inspector reported that the lumber was running 55 percent

below grade. Under the circumstances, they refused

to accept it.

"I immediately started for his plant and on the way

turned over in my mind the best way to handle the situation.

Ordinarily, under such circumstances, I should

have quoted grading rules and tried, as a result of my

own experience and knowledge as a lumber inspector,

to convince the other inspector that the lumber was actually

up to grade, and that he was misinterpreting the

rules in his inspection. However, I thought I would

apply the principles learned in this training.

“When I arrived at the plant, I found the purchasing

agent and the lumber inspector in a wicked humor, both

set for an argument and a fight. We walked out to the car

that was being unloaded, and I requested that they continue

to unload so that I could see how things were

going. I asked the inspector to go right ahead and lay out

the rejects, as he had been doing, and to put the good

pieces in another pile.

“After watching him for a while it began to dawn on

me that his inspection actually was much too strict and

that he was misinterpreting the rules. This particular

lumber was white pine, and I knew the inspector was

thoroughly schooled in hard woods but not a competent,

experienced inspector on white pine. White pine happened

to be my own strong suit, but did I offer any

objection to the way he was grading the lumber? None

whatever. I kept on watching and gradually began to ask

questions as to why certain pieces were not satisfactory.

I didn’t for one instant insinuate that the inspector was

wrong. I emphasized that my only reason for asking was

in order that we could give his firm exactly what they

wanted in future shipments. wanted in future shipments.

“By asking questions in a very friendly, cooperative

spirit, and insisting continually that they were right in

laying out boards not satisfactory to their purpose, I got

him warmed up, and the strained relations between us

began to thaw and melt away. An occasional carefully

put remark on my part gave birth to the idea in his mind

that possibly some of these rejected pieces were actually

within the grade that they had bought, and that their

requirements demanded a more expensive grade. I was

very careful, however, not to let him think I was making

an issue of this point.

“Gradually his whole attitude changed. He finally admitted

to me that he was not experienced on white pine

and began to ask me questions about each piece as it

came out of the car, I would explain why such a piece

came within the grade specified, but kept on insisting

that we did not want him to take it if it was unsuitable

for their purpose. He finally got to the point where he

felt guilty every time he put a piece in the rejected pile.

And at last he saw that the mistake was on their part for

not having specified as good a grade as they needed.

“The ultimate outcome was that he went through the

entire carload again after I left, accepted the whole lot,

and we received a check in full.

“In that one instance alone, a little tact, and the determination

to refrain from telling the other man he was

wrong, saved my company a substantial amount of cash,

and it would be hard to place a money value on the good

will that was saved.”

Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he

could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel "Chappie”

James, then the nation’s highest-ranking black officer.

Dr. King replied, "I judge people by their own

principles - not by my own.”

In a similar way, General Robert E. Lee once spoke to

the president of the Confederacy, Jefferson Davis, in the

most glowing terms about a certain officer under his

command. Another officer in attendance was astonished.

“General,” he said, " do you not know that the man of

whom you speak so highly is one of your bitterest enemies

who misses no opportunity to malign you?” "Yes,"

replied General Lee, “but the president asked my opinion

of him; he did not ask for his opinion of me.”

By the way, I am not revealing anything new in this

chapter. Two thousand years ago, Jesus said: “Agree

with thine adversary quickly.”

And 2,200 years before Christ was born, King Akhtoi

of Egypt gave his son some shrewd advice - advice that

is sorely needed today. “Be diplomatic,” counseled the

King. “It will help you gain your point.”

In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your

spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are

wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

PRINCIPLE 2

Show respect for the other person’s opinions.

Never say, "You're wrong.”

IF YOU’RE WRONG, ADMIT IT

Within a minute’s walk of my house there was a wild

stretch of virgin timber, where the blackberry thickets

foamed white in the springtime, where the squirrels

nested and reared their young, and the horseweeds grew

as tall as a horse’s head. This unspoiled woodland was

called Forest Park - and it was a forest, probably not

much different in appearance from what it was when

Columbus discovered America. I frequently walked in

this park with Rex, my little Boston bulldog. He was a

friendly, harmless little hound; and since we rarely met

anyone in the park, I took Rex along without a leash or a

muzzle.

One day we encountered a mounted policeman in the

park, a policeman itching to show his authority.

“‘What do you mean by letting that dog run loose in

the park without a muzzle and leash?” he reprimanded

me. “Don’t you know it’s against the law?”

“Yes, I know it is,” I replied softy, “but I didn’t think

he would do any harm out here.”

"You didn’t think! You didn’t think! The law doesn’t

give a tinker’s damn about what you think. That dog

might kill a squirrel or bite a child. Now, I’m going to let

you off this time; but if I catch this dog out here again

without a muzzle and a leash, you’ll have to tell it to the

judge ."

I meekly promised to obey.

And I did obey - for a few times. But Rex didn’t like

the muzzle, and neither did I; so we decided to take a

chance. Everything was lovely for a while, and then we

struck a snag. Rex and I raced over the brow of a hill one

afternoon and there, suddenly - to my dismay - I saw

the majesty of the law, astride a bay horse. Rex was out

in front, heading straight for the officer.

I was in for it. I knew it. So I didn’t wait until the

policeman started talking. I beat him to it. I said: “Officer,

you’ve caught me red-handed. I’m guilty. I have no

alibis, no excuses. You warned me last week that if I

brought the dog out here again without a muzzle you

would fine me.”

"Well, now,” the policeman responded in a soft tone.

“I know it’s a temptation to let a little dog like that have

a run out here when nobody is around.”

“Sure it’s a temptation,” I replied, “but it is against

the law.”

“Well, a little dog like that isn’t going to harm anybody,”

the policeman remonstrated.

"No, but he may kill squirrels,” I said.

“Well now, I think you are taking this a bit too seriously,”

he told me. “I’ll tell you what you do. You just

let him run over the hill there where I can’t see him - and

we’ll forget all about it.”

That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance;

so when I began to condemn myself, the only

way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the

magnanimous attitude of showing mercy.

But suppose I had tried to defend myself - well, did

you ever argue with a policeman?

But instead of breaking lances with him, I admitted

that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong;

I admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm. The

affair terminated graciously in my taking his side and his

taking my side. Lord Chesterfield himself could hardly

have been more gracious than this mounted policeman,

who, only a week previously, had threatened to have the

law on me.

If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t

it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?

Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than

to bear condemnation from alien lips?

Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know

the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to

say - and say them before that person has a chance to

say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous,

forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes

will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did

with me and Rex.

Ferdinand E. Warren, a commercial artist, used this

technique to win the good will of a petulant, scolding

buyer of art.

“It is important, in making drawings for advertising

and publishing purposes, to be precise and very exact,”

Mr. Warren said as he told the story.

“Some art editors demand that their commissions be

executed immediately; and in these cases, some slight

error is liable to occur. I knew one art director in particular

who was always delighted to find fault with some

little thing. I have often left his office in disgust, not

because of the criticism, but because of his method of

attack. Recently I delivered a rush job to this editor, and

he phoned me to call at his office immediately. He said

something was wrong. When I arrived, I found just what

I had anticipated - and dreaded. He was hostile, gloating

over his chance to criticize. He demanded with heat

why I had done so and so. My opportunity had come to

apply the self-criticism I had been studying about. So I

said: ''Mr. So-and-so, if what you say is true, I am at fault

and there is absolutely no excuse for my blunder. I have

been doing drawings for you long enough to know bet-ter.

I’m ashamed of myself.’

“Immediately he started to defend me. ‘Yes, you’re

right, but after all, this isn’t a serious mistake. It is

only -'

"I interrupted him. ‘Any mistake,’ I said, ‘may be

costly and they are all irritating.’

“He started to break in, but I wouldn’t let him. I was

having a grand time. For the first time in my life, I was

criticizing myself - and I loved it.

" ‘I should have been more careful,’ I continued. ‘You

give me a lot of work, and you deserve the best; so I’m

going to do this drawing all over.’

" ‘No! No!’ he protested. ‘I wouldn’t think of putting

you to all that trouble.’ He praised my work, assured me

that he wanted only a minor change and that my slight

error hadn’t cost his firm any money; and, after all, it was

a mere detail - not worth worrying about.

“My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out

of him. He ended up by taking me to lunch; and before

we parted, he gave me a check and another commission”

There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the

courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of

guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem

created by the error.

Bruce Harvey of Albuquerque, New Mexico, had incorrectly

authorized payment of full wages to an employee

on sick leave. When he discovered his error, he

brought it to the attention of the employee and explained

that to correct the mistake he would have to

reduce his next paycheck by the entire amount of the

overpayment. The employee pleaded that as that would

cause him a serious financial problem, could the money

be repaid over a period of time? In order to do this,

Harvey explained, he would have to obtain his supervisor's

approval. “And this I knew,” reported Harvey,

“would result in a boss-type explosion, While trying to

decide how to handle this situation better, I realized that

the whole mess was my fault and I would have to admit I

it to my boss.

“I walked into his office, told him that I had made a

mistake and then informed him of the complete facts.

He replied in an explosive manner that it was the fault

of the personnel department. I repeated that it was my

fault. He exploded again about carelessness in the accounting

department. Again I explained it was my fault.

He blamed two other people in the office. But each time

I reiterated it was my fault. Finally, he looked at me and

said, ‘Okay, it was your fault. Now straighten it out.’ The

error was corrected and nobody got into trouble. I felt

great because I was able to handle a tense situation and

had the courage not to seek alibis. My boss has had more

respect for me ever since.”

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and

most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives

one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s

mistakes. For example, one of the most beautiful things

that history records about Robert E. Lee is the way he

blamed himself and only himself for the failure of Pickett’s

charge at Gettysburg.

Pickett’s charge was undoubtedly the most brilliant

and picturesque attack that ever occurred in the Western

world. General George E. Pickett himself was picturesque.

He wore his hair so long that his auburn locks

almost touched his shoulders; and, like Napoleon in his

Italian campaigns, he wrote ardent love-letters almost

daily while on the battlefield. His devoted troops

cheered him that tragic July afternoon as he rode off

jauntily toward the Union lines, his cap set at a rakish

angle over his right ear. They cheered and they followed

him, man touching man, rank pressing rank, with banners

flying and bayonets gleaming in the sun. It was a

gallant sight. Daring. Magnificent. A murmur of admiration

ran through the Union lines as they beheld it.

Pickett’s troops swept forward at any easy trot, through

orchard and cornfield, across a meadow and over a ravine.

All the time, the enemy’s cannon was tearing

ghastly holes in their ranks, But on they pressed, grim,

irresistible.

Suddenly the Union infantry rose from behind the

stone wall on Cemetery Ridge where they had been hiding

and fired volley after volley into Pickett's onrushing

troops. The crest of the hill was a sheet of flame, a

slaughterhouse, a blazing volcano. In a few minutes, all

of Pickett’s brigade commanders except one were down,

and four-fifths of his five thousand men had fallen.

General Lewis A. Armistead, leading the troops in the

final plunge, ran forward, vaulted over the stone wall,

and, waving his cap on the top of his sword, shouted:

“Give ‘em the steel, boys!”

They did. They leaped over the wall, bayoneted their

enemies, smashed skulls with clubbed muskets, and

planted the battleflags of the South on Cemetery Ridge.

The banners waved there only for a moment. But that

moment, brief as it was, recorded the high-water mark of

the Confederacy.

Pickett’s charge - brilliant, heroic - was nevertheless

the beginning of the end. Lee had failed. He could not

penetrate the North. And he knew it.

The South was doomed.

Lee was so saddened, so shocked, that he sent in his

resignation and asked Jefferson Davis, the president of

the Confederacy, to appoint "a younger and abler man.”

If Lee had wanted to blame the disastrous failure of

Pickett’s charge on someone else, he could have found a

score of alibis. Some of his division commanders had

failed him. The cavalry hadn’t arrived in time to support

the infantry attack. This had gone wrong and that had

gone awry.

But Lee was far too noble to blame others. As Pickett’s

beaten and bloody troops struggled back to the Confederate

lines, Robert E. Lee rode out to meet them all

alone and greeted them with a self-condemnation that

was little short of sublime. “All this has been my fault,”

he confessed. "I and I alone have lost this battle.”

Few generals in all history have had the courage and

character to admit that.

Michael Cheung, who teaches our course in Hong

Kong, told of how the Chinese culture presents some

special problems and how sometimes it is necessary to

recognize that the benefit of applying a principle may be

more advantageous than maintaining an old tradition.

He had one middle-aged class member who had been

estranged from his son for many years. The father had

been an opium addict, but was now cured. In Chinese

tradition an older person cannot take the first step. The

father felt that it was up to his son to take the initiative

toward a reconciliation. In an early session, he told the

class about the grandchildren he had never seen and

how much he desired to be reunited with his son. His

classmates, all Chinese, understood his conflict between

his desire and long-established tradition. The father felt

that young people should have respect for their elders

and that he was right in not giving in to his desire, but to

wait for his son to come to him.

Toward the end of the course the father again addressed

his class. “I have pondered this problem,” he

said. “Dale Carnegie says, ‘If you are wrong, admit it

quickly and emphatically.’ It is too late for me to admit

it quickly, but I can admit it emphatically. I wronged my

son. He was right in not wanting to see me and to expel

me from his life. I may lose face by asking a younger

person’s forgiveness, but I was at fault and it is my responsibility

to admit this.” The class applauded and

gave him their full support. At the next class he told how

he went to his son’s house, asked for and received forgiveness