How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (24 page)

Throwing up and getting it all out.

Vowing never to drink again.

Campaigning for prohibition to return

Preventatives should also be noted, such as coating your stomach before drinking, with milk and/or bread and butter. But do avoid caffeine, and short-term fixes; it may work in the movies, but it’s unlikely those actors are really drunk. Everything is case-dependent; sometimes it’s best just to curl up and die.

If you wake up and all around is debris and carnage, sometimes it’s a case of better the devil you know. This is a short-term solution (before you crawl home for those two painkillers, warm bath and sleep), but it’s a good one.

Take 40ml Scotch whisky, 50ml single cream and 3 teaspoons of honey. Pour all ingredients into cocktail shaker, fill with cracked ice. Shake, and pour into a Martini glass. There, isn’t that better? Play it again, Sam . . .

Of all revivers the Bloody Mary is the most versatile and glamorous, even though you take Mary’s name in vain. It is said to have been first mixed in the early 1920s in Harry’s New York bar, in Paris.

You need 50ml vodka, tomato juice, spice mix, a slice of lemon, celery stick and ice (optional).

For the spice mix: 2 large dashes each of Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce to taste. Pinch of celery, salt. Pinch of black pepper. Dash of lemon juice, fresh. Teaspoon of horseradish sauce.

Blend ingredients for spice mix together in mixing glass. Pour vodka into a Highball glass filled with ice, add tomato juice and spice mix.

Stir as vigorously as you can manage.

Serve with lemon slice, celery stick and steady hand.

How to look fresh after a bender

If you really
really
can’t have a lie-in after a crazed and hectic night, sometimes you need a miracle. Think of Grace Kelly and her hangover in
High Society
or Kim Basinger going off the rails in
Blind Date
. As they say, work hard, play harder, and still crawl into the office the next day; show them who’s boss . . .

There are two obvious essentials:

Sunglasses
Big black Jackie Kennedy Onassis/Audrey Hepburn wrap frames. Choose Dior, Chanel or YSL. Big impact. Big glamour. Think movie star. Keep the shades on, at least till after midday, have a long lunch, and then slip off to do ‘research’ early afternoon.
YSL Touche Éclat
Apply liberally round the eyes, and especially under eyes. Dab white eye shadow on lids. Finish with a flash of rouge, mascara and gloss to maintain standards.

The key factor to remember here is you need to drink and drink (water) to rehydrate yourself. Evian, Perrier, Badoit, whatever your poison – make it mineral water.

‘Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one’

Bill Gates

How to Love Your Computer

‘Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all’
John F. Kennedy

How to understand the enemy

This section has been written in ENGLISH and will attempt to restore your pulse, demystify and answer some of the simpler, yet still utterly baffling FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) about the monsters.

Try to remember that computers are harmless, inanimate objects. They cannot bite. As long as there is an On/Off button you will always have the upper hand. Do not let them intimidate you.

Technology is constantly being updated. Vintage or old is not good in this world. To keep up you need to have the newest and jazziest latest version of gadget du jour.

If computer books all appear to be a big zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and the technical section of the bookstore terrifies you, don’t worry; you are not alone. Despite the shelves being full of unhelpful ‘self-help’ books, many people suffer, in varying forms of acuteness, from technophobia. This is a curable illness brought on by VRML (Virtual Reality Modelling Language), HTML (Hypertext Mark-up Language) and www (world wide web). Computers, email, the internet, the world wide web, downloading and iPods are all here to stay, and will expand. You need to master the basics sooner rather than later, be it in the office or high tech at home. Computer rage and techno stress are now the most common forms of complaint in the office, people take second place. IT departments are the most overused and abused departments in the company.

First of all it’s worth explaining what we’re dealing with, in the simplest, non-technobabble way. Even Bill Gates says, ‘Often you just have to rely on your intuition.’

A computer is a tool that processes data in the form of code. Its memory program is written in ones and zeros (binary code). The computer processes masses of this data, at incredibly fast speeds, and carries out the actions that are written in the data. The code/data then goes into English/a language that the mere mortal can understand, and while we press simple buttons the hidden data sends rapid messages telling the computer how to operate your typed Word documents, play music, display pictures or run DVD movies, without you having to worry about what goes on behind the scenes.

The anatomy of the computer

Key objects to check that you have on your desk are:

Keyboard:
This is the keys and the letters, the updated typewriter.

Screen or monitor:
This is what you look at, see text and pictures, and work on.

Mouse:
Not the squeak-squeak variety. This is a handy object, either built into the computer or an enclosed plastic-cased ball that moves a cursor arrow over the screen, wherever you direct it, and opens required windows and clicks on options for you.

Base unit:
This is the brain of the computer, where the memory and all the technical stuff that make it work are hidden.

Speakers:
Are for music or any sound effects that your machine may choose to make. But rest assured there is always a mute button.

Leads and connectors:
Try to keep to bare minimum, but these are the links to your phone line, power supply and additional extras.

Additional extras include printers, scanners and joysticks.

All the above are referred to as
hardware
, and should be located near a plug socket and a phone socket, as you are likely to need internet access. Think about this when deciding where your desk will be positioned. Leads lurching across a floor, as well as being hazardous, are terribly unsightly.

Software
is the information your computer uses to process the data after the hardware is set up to make it all work.

A brief history

‘I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.’ So said Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, in 1943. Well, he was accurate . . .

1500
Leonardo da Vinci invents the Mechanical Calculator.

1714
First English typewriter patent.

1829
First US typewriter patent.

1837
Morse Code is invented.

1847
Emily Brontë’s
Wuthering Heights
is published.

1865
Lewis Carroll’s
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
is published.

1867
First commercial typewriter goes on sale.

1872
QWERTY keyboard laid out.

1943
Invention of first power-generated electric computer ENIAC.

1944–52
First stored-program computer, EDVAC, is developed.

1947
Christian Dior presents his New Look. Not STRICTLY speaking relevant but just checking you were still awake . . .

1948–51
First commercial computer, UNIVAC, is unveiled.

1951
J.D. Salinger’s
Catcher in the Rye
is published.

1953
First TV dinner is served.

1957
IBM launches the 610 Auto-point computer.

1968
Stanley Kubrick’s film
2001: A Space Odyssey
, featuring the computer HAL, premieres.

1975
Bill Gates and Paul Allen found Microsoft.

1976
Apple I and Apple II microcomputers.

1981
IBM invents the first PC.

1998
Apple launches the iMac.

2003
Apple launches iPods.

2004
Apple launches iPod photo.

2005
There are more technological developments a day than there are minutes; you can only try to keep up.

Think of this lesson in computer history as essential; not knowing it would be like watching an episode of
Friends
without knowing any of the characters’ background. You would not get nearly as much out of the show. And it’s very impressive general knowledge to have at your fingertips.

The modern keyboard was invented by Christopher Latham Sholes in 1872, after he devised the first commercial typewriter. The ‘Sholes’ keyboard (aka QWERTY, which is the top left-hand row of letters on your keyboard) is what we still use today. The shift key didn’t appear until 1878.

The modern computer came about during the Second World War. It was invented by a German engineer called Konrad Zuse in 1941 and was named the Z3. By 1943 the Allies had developed Colossus to help them try to decode enemy messages. Next came the Mark I, in 1944, developed on the other side of the pond by American Howard Aiken, an engineer at Harvard and IBM. His computer was the size of half a football field, not ideal for the traveller.

The first Personal Computer was produced by IBM in 1981. (IBM originally stood for International Business Machines.) It was then the biggest computer company in the world. In the initial computer boom IBM led the way, but was unable to keep up with demand for change and constant updating while its competitors lowered the price of their hardware.

The basic configuration of the PC uses Intel Processors and an operating system that started its life as DOS (this was the software that you needed to install to run the machine). In 1975, Bill Gates, aged twenty, along with Paul Allen, founded Microsoft. They took the cream of ideas and inventors from IBM and became an unstoppable force. Fairly quickly Microsoft came along with MSDOS, which was an improved version of DOS. While DOS could only work on DOS-compatible computers, MSDOS worked on all styles. Soon every PC had the same electronic components and the same processing system, and it made sense to go for the one that worked the best. MSDOS then gave way to Microsoft Windows, which is (basically) a ripped-off copy of Macintosh’s software, an altogether chicer, more user-friendly package. This led to an ongoing court battle, like a
Dallas
storyline, except this one was played out in Silicon Valley between Apple and Microsoft. Despite all this, Bill Gates still continues to reside at the top of the Rich list.

In 1981, with the arrival of the PC, people were able to start working at their desks and computers suddenly became much more efficient and much more of an essential mod con. Before PCs, computers were attached to ‘dumb’ terminals. With PCs it became possible for people to edit their work before taking it to the main-frame, big-brain, HQ – far preferable. Gradually people were able to work independently and run their own programs, then connect to the company ‘network’ and share their information with others. It was a major breakthrough. Before, all systems had run off one shared ‘brain’; now they all had their own ‘brain’ but, as with most things, they found they could put their heads together for even better results. Also on the internal ‘network’ system they were able to communicate internally on a very primitive form of the email system, but more on this later.

Early computer bureaus would have call centres where the computers would access dial-up lines to open the network. Some would find cheap dial-up space as far away as the States, due to time difference advantages. It was a few years till email and the internet explosion happened.

So 1981 was a vintage year, as not only was there the royal wedding, but the first PC came out, and over in the US Adam Osborne invented the first laptop, originally called the Osborne 1. It cost $1,795 and came with $1,500 worth of programming.

Names to know

Born on 28 October 1955. His success is due to his genius for working out a weakness in the system that existed and filling it with an application developed by his company, Microsoft. He is to computers what Henry Ford, and his model T, was to cars. Bill Gates
is
software.

This is Bill’s biggest rival. He founded Apple Macintosh
.
They launched the Apple I and II on April Fool’s Day 1976, a hard-drive system invented by him and Steve Wozmak. The company has gone on to develop the iMac, iBooks, the Apple laptop as well as the iPod.

These are the most friendly-looking hardware, and were launched in 1998. They are the easiest to install, but don’t always connect well to large systems. They are the Ikea of computer hardware – jazzy, cheap and easy for all to understand.

He invested in the hardware system Amstrad, which was the English attempt to compete with the American domination of Silicon Valley. He now owns a real estate company, the software firm Viglen, and a chunk of Tottenham Hotspur FC, which is where Sir Alan is most frequently spotted. He also fronted the British TV version of Donald Trump’s show,
The Apprentice
.

Very successful computer hardware, but, bizarrely, it is not available in any shops. Dell sell only by mail order or online, so they don’t have any sales mark-up. They mainly attract the computer whiz and big companies, making them a good option also for the home user, as they are compatible with all systems.

Sony’s answer to a sexy laptop but check that this is compatible with your contacts before purchasing. For example, it is not compatible with Macs. Yikes!