How To Set Up An FLR (5 page)

B) Mostly hers

C) Shared equally

D) Mostly mine

E) All mine

Q-7: I would like her to acknowledge that she is the head of the house...

A) Publicly

B) Only to me

C) No

Q-8: I think I would enjoy her punishing me...

A) Physically

B) Non-physically

C) Both

D) Not at all

Q-9: I think I would enjoy being her servant (or slave).

A) Yes, definitely

B) Yes, in some ways

C) Not really

D) Definitely not

Q-10: I think I would like her to put me in chastity.

A) Yes, definitely

B) Sometimes

C) Only in play

D) Not at all

Q-11: I want to be obedient to her.

A) Always

B) Most of the time

C) Some of the time

D) Not really

Q-12: I want her to initiate sex with me.

A) Never

B) Sometimes

C) When she allows it

D) Always

Q-13: I want her to make me reveal my inner-most fantasies.

A) Yes, definitely

B) Only when I ask

C) If she wants to

D) Never

Q-14: I like the feeling of her being “in charge.”

A) Definitely

B) Most of the time

C) On occasion

D) Never

Q-15: Her being in charge makes me uncomfortable.

A) Never

B) Sometimes

C) Most of the time

D) Always

Q-16: I would love for her to make me rub her feet.

A) Definitely

B) Occasionally

C) If she wants me to

D) Never

Q-17: I would love to fetch things for her.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) If she wants me to

D) Never

Q-18: I want to seek her approval.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) If she wants me to

D) Never

Q-19: I want to make myself attractive for her.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) If she wants me to

D) Never

Q-20: I want to show her my appreciation.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-21: I want her to make me do more of the housework.

A) Always

B) When she tells me to

C) Occasionally

D) Never

Q-22: I want her to know I sexually desire her.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-23: I want to cook her meals.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-24: I want to run errands for her.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-25: I would love for her to require that I bow or kneel to her.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-26: I would love to be naked while serving her.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-27: I would like her to tie me to a chair or the bed.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-28: I would enjoy her dressing me in female clothing.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-29: I want her to make me perform or entertain her.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-30: I want her to make me serve her and her friends.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-31: I want to obey her in public.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Q-32: I want her to tease me sexually.

A) Always

B) Occasionally

C) Sometimes

D) Never

Once you have both completed your questionnaires, it is time to score your answers. If you answered more than 50% of your questions with “A” or “B” answers, you are definitely ready for a female led relationship. Compare your answers with your partner's. Check to see exactly which questions you differ on and discuss them in detail. You may not be as far off as you think. Many of the questions have more than one positive answer. If you are only one level different in your answers, you should be able to come to a consensus on how to handle that area of your relationship with little difficulty.

In the next chapter of this book you will learn how to take these differences and work them into your agreement so that both parties can experiment with different aspects or your female led relationship and see what works for you as a couple.

Be aware, there may be many other things you will want to cover in your agreement. Things such as: humiliation; bi-sexuality; tease and denial; chastity; etc. You may also want to consider some of the things in the following chapters as well. Defining punishments and disciplines more fully might be something you want to consider. Or, perhaps, what punishment goes with what type of misbehavior, etc. In the mean time, I suggest you keep your agreement as simple as possible.

Remember to take it slow. Take baby-steps when you first start out. No one expects you (or should) to jump right into your roles without first testing the water. For those of you who are a little timid or unsure of yourself at this point, take a look at the chapter on overcoming fear and guilt. In chapter 9, I talk more about using baby-steps to help you grow into your roles without so much trepidation.

~ ~ ~

Chapter 7
: How Kinky Are You?

This may seem like a stupid question to be asking in a book about FLR's, but, trust me, it is vitally important that you take this into consideration when you are negotiating your agreement. First of all, it is very likely that the male half of your partnership was the one who first suggested you enter into this new relationship. Either way, it is going to be something that the two of you will have to discuss before you finalize your first agreement.

Let me walk you through what probably happened...Your partner approached you with the idea of an FLR. If that partner happens to be a male, then he, most likely, did a great deal of research (mostly online) to figure out if this was something he really wanted. As he did this research, he began to fantasize about what he thought would be the perfect FLR for him. It is unlikely that he really took your interests to heart in these fantasies. In other words, he has already been thinking (wishing, dreaming, hoping) that you will become his “ideal” feminine “Mistress.” In his mind, he had it all worked out. You were going to magically jump on the idea as if you have always wanted to be in charge of everything and now would be your big chance to make your life-long dreams come true. He has had this fantasy building in his mind for some time. Now he has let the cat out of the bag, and he is hoping that you will jump into it with both feet. Of course, you are not quite so enthusiastic about it. Am I close?

Anyway, your partner probably has a good idea of exactly what he wants you to be, whatever that is. And you, having just been introduced to the idea, have a very different idea. You need to get together. You need to know exactly what he is looking for in a controlling partner. If he is looking for you to be the stereotypical Mistress, dressed in black leather and carrying a riding crop around to keep him in line, he is, most likely, in for a rude awakening.

On the other hand, if he has really thought this through, he will understand that you may not be at the same level he is. That is, you may not want to smack him with a riding crop every time you turn around. In fact, you may not even be comfortable scolding him for misbehavior. So how do you handle this difference between your “kinks” and his?

The first thing you will need to do is to figure out just with what you would be comfortable and how that fits into what he wants (or vice-versa as the case may be). You should both fill out what the BDSM community refers to as a “checklist” for negotiations. I have included a very brief version of one to get you started. Chances are, it will be all you need, at this point anyway. Eventually, as your desires and/or confidence grows, you may want to look into a more comprehensive checklist that will cover more than the few items I included in mine.

Once you have each filled out a checklist, you will need to compare them to see what you agree on and what you are both ready for. For example, you may be ready for a hand spanking while he wants you to use a large, severe paddle. You might settle on using a hairbrush to start out with and later move to a regular paddle. You may both discover that his fantasies have lead him to want certain things that his body is just not ready for. My personal recommendation is to set your limits fairly low, especially in those things you are not used to. Then, as time goes by and your confidence grows, you can increase those limits to something that suits you both a little better. Don't push either of you too hard, especially in this area. Moving too fast can only cause problems. Problems that you are not ready to face. So, like with everything else, take it slow. Don't be afraid of doing too little. Too much would be worse. Always err on the side of caution.

Another thing you might want to do, if you are the one who will be in charge in your new relationship, is to keep a copy of your partner's checklist for future reference. That way you will know what kinds of things you can always try out without pushing his or her limits. Limits change. Be ready for that. Design your agreement in such a way as to allow for those changes. For example, he may think he wants to be treated harshly including being severely paddled. But once you hit his bottom with that large wooden paddle a couple of times, he may change his mind.

That's why we have “safe-words” to keep things from getting out of hand. He needs to learn how to use safe-words. My husband and I have always used the same set of safe-words whenever we play or when there is a physical punishment involved. I will often ask him for a safe-word when I am using a paddle or riding crop on him (as he always did when I was his slave). If he says, “green-light” then I know that everything is just fine and I may continue with the punishment. If he says, “yellow-light” at any time, I know that he needs me to take it easy on him. Things may be getting a little too intense for him, but he doesn't want me to stop. I might give him a minute to relax while I scold him or reiterate why he is being punished before continuing. And finally, if he says, “red-light” at any point, it means there is something wrong or that he has reached his limit for that particular activity. I stop immediately and we discuss the problem. Chances are, he couldn't take any more punishment.

Don't misunderstand me, you may never need to use a safe-word in your relationship at all, but it's a good idea to have them just in case. You never know when you will need them. If you ever do, you will be glad you set them up. My friend Murphy (the one who initiated Murphy's Law) tells me that if anything can go wrong...It will! Be prepared. It's your best defense against Murphy's Law!

Here is a brief checklist of some of the things you might want to discuss. Be aware, there are many more in-depth checklists on the Internet. You can find them by doing a search for “BDSM Checklist” from your favorite search engine. If the following checklist does not cover enough for you and your partner, feel free to use one that works better for you. Remember, you BOTH need to use the same checklist and compare your answers. Then you can settle on a happy medium in those areas where you differ.