How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (47 page)

•
I don’t always have to measure up—no one is perfect.
“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

•
I never have to fear losing God’s love because of anything I might or might not do.
“I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

•
I can live without fear of being condemned, even when I fail to meet the expectations of those who genuinely love me.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).

•
I can confidently take on new challenges. I’m not limited to doing only those things at which I excel.
“The L
ORD
will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared” (Proverbs 3:26).

•
I don’t have to worry about finding the perfect job or selecting the ideal situation because I can trust God to prepare the way for my future.
“We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10).

•
I am free to enjoy life. God doesn’t want me to be in bondage to a set of rules and regulations.
“If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36).

•
My salvation is a free gift! It’s not based on what I deserve or earn through work and other achievements.
“It is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9).

•
God does not expect me to become Christlike in my own power. God assumes responsibility for bringing me to maturity.
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

Everyone who has been victimized as a child struggles with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. Left unresolved, these “terrible twins” reap havoc and destruction in the lives of those trying to heal from past victimization. Unless they are correctly defined and dealt with God’s way, healing cannot happen and the blessings of life cannot be fully enjoyed.

“I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.
Now choose life…love the L
ORD
your God, listen
to his voice, and hold fast to him”

(D
EUTERONOMY
30:19-20).

Overcoming Guilt and Shame

Q
UESTION
:
“How can I overcome the guilt and shame I feel as a result of being blamed for the abusive things done to me? Did I really deserve this abuse? Was it really my fault?”

A
NSWER
:
Abusive people are notorious for blaming their actions on their victims.
Blame shifting
is a means of controlling others and breaking down any possibility of resistance. No one deserves abuse. And no one makes another person abusive. Abusers alone are responsible for their actions. You are not to blame for what your abusers chose to do. The shame belongs to them alone, not to you. Remember:

“No one whose hope is in you [Jesus] will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse”

(P
SALM
25:3).

Shame Is Not the Same as Guilt

Q
UESTION
:
“Are guilt and shame the same?”

A
NSWER
:
No. Shame focuses on you, whereas guilt focuses on your behavior.

•
Shame
is a painful emotion of disgrace caused by a strong sense of real or imagined guilt.

•
Shame
is experienced when your guilt moves from knowing you have
done
something bad to feeling that
you are
bad.

•
Shame
focuses on who you are, whereas guilt focuses on what you’ve done.
⁶⁸

•
Shame
creates an inner desire to maintain rigid control over emotions and behavior, whereas guilt creates a desire to change or justify emotions and behavior.

•
Shame
produces inner loneliness that fosters unhealthy dependencies, whereas guilt produces inner longings that foster healthy repentance in relationships.

•
Shame
steals the joy of your salvation, whereas guilt confessed restores joy in salvation.

If you struggle with shame, remember the blessed words of the apostle Paul…

“Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man
whose sin the Lord will never count against him”

(R
OMANS
4:7-8).

True Guilt and False Guilt

Q
UESTION
:
“What is the difference between true guilt and false guilt?”

A
NSWER
:
Meet two kinds of guilt:

•
True guilt
refers to the fact of being at fault, deserving punishment, and requiring a sacrificial offering.
⁶⁹

•
True guilt
results from any wrong attitude or action that is contrary to the perfect will of God.

•
True guilt
speaks truth, gently leading you to repentance and forgiveness.

•
False guilt
arises when you blame yourself even though you’ve committed no wrong or you’ve already confessed and turned from your sin.

•
False guilt
keeps you in bondage to three destructive weapons: shame, fear, and anger.
⁷⁰

•
False guilt
taunts and condemns, bringing dishonor and inner shame.

Those plagued by feelings of false guilt would benefit from following the apostle Peter’s advice:

“Be self-controlled and alert.
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion
looking for someone to devour”

(1 P
ETER
5:8).

Responding to False Guilt

Q
UESTION
:
“How should I respond to false guilt?”

A
NSWER
:
The next time the viewing screen of your mind begins to replay sins you have repented of or sins committed against you for which you feel responsible, realize that this taunting comes from Satan, the accuser, to discourage you. Ask yourself:

•
“What am I hearing?” (I’m hearing an accusation.)

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“What am I feeling?” (I’m feeling false guilt.)

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“What are the facts?” (I am not guilty. I am fully forgiven.)

•
Use Scripture as your standard when it comes to feelings of false
guilt. Because you have received Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and He died to take away your sins, you are not guilty.

•
Turn Romans 8:33-34 into a prayer: “Thank You, Father, that You have justified me and don’t condemn me and don’t want me to condemn myself. These feelings of false guilt are not valid because I have accepted Christ’s sacrifice and turned from my sin.”

“Who will bring any charge
against those whom God has chosen?
It is God who justifies.
Who is he that condemns?
Christ Jesus, who died—more than that,
who was raised to life—
is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us”

(R
OMANS
8:33-34).

For us who are Christians to walk in victory, we need to identify the lies we believe about ourselves and exchange them for the truth about who we really are in Christ. For lasting change to occur, we must cast aside the lies and constantly rely on the truths of Scripture.

“[You] were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life,
to put off your old self…to be made new in the attitude of your minds;
and to put on the new self,
created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness”

(E
PHESIANS
4:21-24).

•
You are chosen by God.

“He
chose
us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight” (Ephesians 1:4).

•
You are adopted by God.

“In love he predestined us to be
adopted
as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will” (Ephesians 1:4-5).

•
You are a child of God.

“To all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become
children of God
” (John 1:12).

•
You are born again.

“You have been
born again
, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God” (1 Peter 1:23).

•
You are a new creation.

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a
new creation
; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

•
You have a new nature.

“In him you were also circumcised, in the
putting off of the sinful nature
, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ” (Colossians 2:11).

•
You have a new heart.

“I will give you a
new heart
and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26).

•
You have a new spirit.

“I will put
my Spirit
in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws” (Ezekiel 36:27).

•
You have a new mind.

“ ‘Who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?’ But we have the
mind of Christ
” (1 Corinthians 2:16).

•
You are clothed with Christ.

“All of you who were baptized into Christ have
clothed
yourselves with Christ” (Galatians 3:27).

•
You are baptized into Christ.

“We were therefore buried with him through
baptism
into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life” (Romans 6:4).

•
You are hidden in Christ.

“You died, and your life is now
hidden
with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3).

•
You are sealed with the Spirit of Christ.

“You also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with
a seal
, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory” (Ephesians 1:13-14).

•
You are redeemed.

“In him we have
redemption
through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace” (Ephesians 1:7).

•
You are washed.

“That is what some of you were [wicked]. But you were
washed
’ you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11).

•
You are purified.

“If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son,
purifies
us from all sin” (1 John 1:7).

•
You are justified.