How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (42 page)

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?”

(J
EREMIAH
17:9).

Fear does not appear in a vacuum. There is always something that sets up a person to be controlled by fear, and there is always something that serves
to trigger that fear. The setup occurred in the past, while the trigger occurs in the present. Finding the truth about your fear will provide wisdom as to why you are being controlled by present fear and being held captive to a victim mentality.

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place”

(P
SALM
51:6).

Past Setups for Fear

•
Monumental Experiences

— Traumatic events

— Scary situations

— Abusive relationships

— Fearful role models

Realize the reason for your fear and tell yourself the truth about the past and the present. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became [an adult], I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

•
Emotional Overload

— Pent-up unacknowledged feelings

— Unrealistic expectations

— Harsh, stressful environment

— Demanding, rejecting authority figures

Realize the reason for your fear and allow the Lord to help you heal from your hurts. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7).

•
Situational Avoidance

— Refusal to face fears

— Rejection of chances for change

— Reinforcement of fears

— Repetition of negative thought patterns

Realize the reason for your fears and allow the Lord to help you face your fears. “I am the L
ORD
, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you” (Isaiah 41:13).

•
Dismal Outlook

— Anticipation of danger and disaster

— Expectation of frustration and failure

— Belief of lies

— Rejection of truth

Realize the reason for your fears and tell yourself the truth. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Just as day follows night, codependency predictably follows victimization. They tend to go hand in hand, and for good reason. Each fosters the other and imprisons victims in a repetitive, painful cycle—a cycle God wants to break so He can bring freedom.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then,
and do not let yourselves be burdened again
by a yoke of slavery”

(G
ALATIANS
5:1).

Codependency

Q
UESTION
:
“How are victimized children set up to become codependent adults?”

A
NSWER
:
No one sets out to be emotionally addicted. Love-cravings often
are created in childhood because there is “no water in the well”—their “love buckets” are empty. These children may become adult love-addicts because they…

•
did not receive enough positive affirmation as children

•
grew up feeling unloved, insignificant, and insecure

•
experienced a traumatic separation or a lack of bonding

•
felt and continue to feel intense sadness and a profound loss at being abandoned

•
experienced repeated rejection from their parents

•
felt and continue to feel extreme fear, helplessness, and emptiness

Children with empty love-buckets create a fantasy about some “savior” who will remove their fear and finally make them feel whole. As adults, they still behave like emotionally needy children who…

•
believe that being loved by someone—anyone—is the solution to their emptiness

•
enter relationships believing they cannot take care of themselves

•
assign too much value and power to the other person in a relationship

•
have tremendously unrealistic expectations of the other person

•
try to “stick like glue” to the other person in order to feel connected

•
live in fear that those who truly love them will ultimately leave them

The plight of a love addict would seem without solution were it not for the Lord, who is the only true Savior, the One who loves them unconditionally and eternally. He gives this assurance in the Bible:

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness”

(J
EREMIAH
31:3).

Having lost her love for life, Naomi now saw hope on the horizon.

In ancient Israel, it was customary for the nearest relative to have the first opportunity to buy or redeem a deceased person’s property, and Naomi wanted to sell a field that belonged to Elimelech. Boaz was interested in buying the field, but there was a nearer kinsman the property had to be offered to first.

Initially the man was interested. But then he heard the legal transaction would involve acquiring the widow, Ruth. Apparently the property had passed into the hands of Ruth’s late husband, Mahlon, upon his father’s death. It was necessary “to maintain the name of the dead with his property” (Ruth 4:5).

The kinsman declined the entire offer, and Boaz purchased the field and took Ruth as his wife. A son, Obed, was born, and pleasantness was restored to the once-embittered Naomi.

“The women said to Naomi:
‘Praise be to the L
ORD
,
who this day has not left you without a kinsman-redeemer.
May he become famous throughout Israel!
He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age.
For your daughter-in-law, who loves you
and who is better to you than seven sons,
has given him birth’ ”

(R
UTH
4:14-15).

Victims who remain imprisoned by a victim mentality do so because of a belief system that keeps them locked into feeling they are powerless to change. Thus they tend to resist accepting responsibility for their personal healing and growth.

“I was powerless to change my life growing up, and I am powerless to change it now. What has happened to me has defined me, and I do not deserve anything better. Besides, I am not as adequate or as good as others, and the fear of being discovered as the failure I am overwhelms me.”

As a child of God, you have Christ living in you. He gives you the power
to change. You can give Him your fear of failure and accept the responsibility to overcome your past because God is faithful—He will do it! You can take your every thought captive and begin a process of reprogramming your mind so you can become emotionally, relationally, and spiritually healthy. Determine that you will “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and…take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

You are able to do this because…

“his divine power has given [you] everything [you] need
for life and godliness through [your] knowledge of him
who called [you] by his own glory and goodness”

(2 P
ETER
1:3).

Apart from the supernatural work of the Spirit of God within the lives of victims, there is no solid solution to the serious side effects of being victimized.

Such a work is based on having a personal relationship with God, on seeing Him as He really is—a gracious and compassionate heavenly Father who is full of tender mercies. This requires replacing distorted images of God with the truth about His character. It requires maturing in the Lord, walking with Him on a daily basis, confiding in Him, and learning to trust Him for life itself.

Understanding the life-changing effects of being victimized by others is not for the purpose of placing blame, becoming bitter, or for excusing our failures. It is accepting the fact that facing ourselves is necessary for identifying and replacing past problematic programming with the transforming Word of God.

“For the word of God is living and active.
Sharper than any double-edged sword,
it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit,
joints and marrow;
it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart”

(H
EBREWS
4:12).

“You, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless”

(P
SALM
10:14).

Read all of Psalm 91, and focus particularly on verse 11:

“He will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways”

(P
SALM
91:11).

His Guardian Angels Have Watch-care over You

Those who have been caught in a cage of victimization—those who feel powerless because of someone else’s entrapment—can understandably feel anger stemming from one or more of these four sources: hurt, injustice, fear, and frustration.

Anger is like the red light on our car dashboard that blares
Something’s wrong! Something’s wrong!
Anger can serve as a gift that motivates us to look at why we were victimized in the first place and how we can break free.

Probing into buried feelings from your past can be painful. That’s why it may seem easier to stay angry than to uncover the cause, turn loose of your
“rights,” and grow in maturity.
³⁷
The Bible gives specific, practical solutions in the form of three “do not’s”:

“ ‘In your anger do not sin’:
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
and do not give the devil a foothold”

(E
PHESIANS
4:26-27).

One of the first steps toward overcoming a victim mentality is to look at your present anger patterns and the picture they paint of your past victimizations. Learning the cause of your anger will aid you in learning how to resolve your anger.

The Four Causes of Anger

1. Hurt
³⁸
—Your Heart Is Wounded

Everyone has a God-given inner need for
unconditional love
.
³⁹
When you experience rejection or emotional pain of any kind, anger can become a protective wall that keeps people and pain away.