How to Liv (29 page)

Joel had only driven me to that spot twice. 
In the daylight.  I hadn’t paid close attention and now it was fairly dark.  I felt like I was driving in circles, luckily it had stopped raining at least.

“Ugh!”  I thumped the steering wheel in frustration when I realised I had no idea where I was.  I reached the dead end of a court.  I quickly turned the car around and went back the way I came.

I was almost ready to give up when I caught a flash of silver as I was passing a turn off.  I slammed on my brakes and the car skidded to a stop.  I quickly flew into reverse, turning the wheel so that I was headed in that direction.  Parking behind his ute, I spotted him through the trees as soon as I got out of my car.  His fluoro orange work shirt stood out brightly in the dim light.  He was seated on a large log with his back to me.  I rounded it to face him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked darkly, looking up at me in shock.  I could tell he was tired by the redness in his eyes.  His hair was dishevelled and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days.  He had been ignoring my
calls, he knew I was trying to speak to him, so he shouldn’t be surprised to see me.

“Looking for you, of course.”
  I sat down beside him.

“Well, you found me,” he snapped loudly.

I didn’t like his tone of voice, it sounded nastier than he had ever spoken to me before.  It made me jump.  Before I had a chance to say a word he spoke again.

“So just get it over and done with.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry I lied, okay?  I understand why you don’t want to be with me anymore.  So please, just make it quick.”

His resigned tone really annoyed me, no it angered me greatly.  I stood up and paced in front of him.  He watched me with a stony, emotionless face.

“What the fuck?  Whatever happened to ‘never giving up on us’, huh?
”  I yelled at him.

“Well that was before you knew the truth.  Now you know the real me… I’m not good enough for you.  I’ve always known that.  I guess that’s why I never told you about my history.”  He shrugged, still no emotion in his voice.  He was staring right past me.  “I expected that you would want nothing more to do with me as soon as you found out.  I guess I was just enjoying the ride while it lasted.”  That last sentence was spoken bitterly with a nasty bite of humour to it.

“BULLSHIT!” I yelled, whirling to a stop in front of him.  He flinched and his eyes finally made their way to mine.  “
I
won’t give up that easily!  What we have is much deeper than that!” 

He looked at me with surprise but I could also see that he didn’t quite trust my words either.  I knelt down in front of him, feeling my jeans instantly soak from the damp earth.  He refused to look at
me, instead he stared at the ground by his feet.

“Raelene came to see me.”  His head lifted at that, surprise registering in his features.  “She told me that Adam convinced you not to say anything in the beginning.  I can understand why you don’t talk about it, why it’s not something that you lead with when you first meet someone.  I get it, I do.  I also know that it is in your past, it’s not who you are now.  I know you, the real here and now you.”  I swallowed back the lump in my throat and wiped at the tears that were forming in my eyes.  “I know you,” I repeated as I saw the tears forming in his.  Saying the words aloud confirmed them for me as well.

“I’m so sorry, Liv,” he whispered and swallowed loudly.

“I know.”

My hand reached up to catch the first tear that ran down his cheek.  My other hand came up to cup his face, forcing him to look me in the eye.  “I understand why, Joel.  What I don’t understand is how you could lie to me about it.  In the beginning yes, but after I bared my soul to you?  After I told you my darkest secrets… my fears… you still didn’t open up to me… that I don’t understand.”  My voice cracked on those last words.  “You know I have issues trusting people and you promised no secrets.  You
lied
.  You broke my trust.”  I started blubbering.  My whole body shook as sobs wracked me.  I pulled my hands away from Joel’s face to swipe at my eyes.

Joel leant forward, his arms came around my back, squeezing me tightly, like he thought I might vanish if he let go.  I was back where I belonged, in his arms.  I wanted to kiss him and tell him everything was alright.  I wanted to wrap my arms around him.

He repeated “sorry” over and over.  The heat from his breath as he buried his mouth against my neck, made me uncomfortable and I pushed him away.  I couldn’t let him just hold me until I caved.  I couldn’t let the proximity of his body overshadow what needed to be said between us.  I couldn’t let the feeling of wanting him so badly it hurt, of needing him to touch me in some physical way, of burning with desire for him take over now.  Not now.

I stood up and sat back on the log beside him, careful not to allow our bodies to touch in any way.  We needed to talk,
just talk
.  We needed this talk if there was going to be a future for us.  We sat in silence for what seemed like forever.  It was getting darker and cooler by the minute.

“You know, that day I first saw you in the supermarket, I tried so many times to talk to you,” Joel began.  “I pushed my trolley faster just to see you again and I even purposely blocked the aisle with my shopping trolley as a way to get you to stop.  Then, when you did, I couldn’t find the words.  I couldn’t find the words to say to you, because I knew I wasn’t worthy.”

I wanted to argue with him, but I stayed silent, I needed to hear what he had to say.

“We kept crossing paths, over and over… and then when you came outside, and started eating those damn Tim Tams, just like I was doing, I felt an even stronger connection to you.  You let out this sexy moan at your first bite, god, it made me want you so bad.

  “After our first date, I knew I was in over my head.  I almost turned away, let you go, I knew I didn’t deserve a chance with someone like you.  I thought if you found out about my time in jail, you wouldn’t give me the time of day.  I spoke to Adam about it, he convinced me to call you anyway.  So I did and we just clicked.  That was probably the best phone conversation I’ve ever had.  That’s when I decided I didn’t care.  I didn’t care that you would dump me the moment you found out what I was hiding.  I was just so happy being with you.  I chose to ignore the fact that the longer I left it, the more it was going to hurt you.”  His eyes were wet with tears.

“That’s what I’m sorry about the most.  I never, ever wanted to hurt you,
Liv.  That’s the last thing I wanted.  I’m so sorry I lied.  I’m sorry I kept it from you.  I tried to tell you.  I almost did, so many times… and I promise that it was the only lie I have ever,
will
ever
, tell you.  Everything else is real, you’ve gotta believe me.  I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness.  I understand, you deserve better, but I need you to believe that everything else is
real
.”  His eyes burned into me with intensity and panic.

“I do.  I believe you.”  I allowed him to pull me into his arms and this time I squeezed him back just as hard.

The light was dimming around us but when I pulled from his embrace, I could still see the light and the love in his eyes.  I could also see the fear, fear that he had lost me, fear that he could lose me still.  I stood, mesmerised by him.  It began to rain.  Droplets ran down his face and dripped off the end of his nose.  I couldn’t decipher which were tears and which were raindrops, but by the timbre in his voice and the shaking of his shoulders I’d guess it was about even.

“
Liv, please tell me that we can work past this. 
Please
.  I feel like I can’t breathe without you.”

“Can you promise me that you won’t keep anything from me again?”

“I promise.  I absolutely promise.”

He pulled me back into his chest.  We held each other tight for a moment before he pushed me
away, lifting my chin up with his hand so we were once again staring at each other.  He opened his mouth to speak.

“I love you, Joel,” I whispered over the top of him, as a tear escaped my eye.  He wiped it away with his thumb.

“I love you so much, Liv.”  He sealed his words with a passionate kiss.  His tongue invaded my mouth and I let it.  His hands held my face to his.  “I love you,” he murmured against my lips and then I kissed him back just as fiercely.

We got lost in each other and it took us both a while to realise the rain had gotten heavier, we were getting absolutely drenched.  Eventually we pulled apart and, holding hands, we made a run for it.  Instead of running to my car I climbed into Joel’s.

“Will you please tell me about it?” I asked him in the dark confines of his ute.

He let out a big sigh before he began.

“My step-dad liked to use me and Mum as a punching bag.”

I sucked in a breath and Joel’s eyes met mine.

“Mum loved him and kept him around anyway.  She never once stood up for herself, or for me.  As I got older I started fighting back and he stopped.  I think he was scared of me – I was strong, even at fourteen.  Life was better, but I still hated him, so when I was eighteen I moved out.  Adam and his mate were looking for a border so I went.  I left Mum and the arsehole behind.  I thought she was safe.  He hadn’t been physical with either of us at that stage for about three years.  I was young and naïve.  I was also wrong.

“I began to notice little things, a bruise here, a scratch there, but Mum was happy.  She was adamant there was nothing going on.  A few years had passed by this stage and then one night I got a call from the hospital.  He almost killed her, almost beat her to death.  She was in a coma.”

I reached over and grabbed Joel’s hand.  He took a shaky breath, staring out the windscreen.

“The doctor said there was evidence that it had been happening for years, old injuries that she hadn’t sought medical attention for.  Her chances for survival were slim.

“I lost it!  I thought she was going to die and I went after him.  I beat him to within an inch of his life, Liv.  It was really bad.”

He turned back to me and his eyes searched mine for some sort of understanding.
I gave his hand a squeeze.

“I served four years for assault.  I’m ashamed that, for a short time, I was just like him.  Please don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you. 
Never
.  You are
nothing
like him Joel!  He was beating a defenceless woman and child!”  I swiped angrily at the tears that were streaming down my face before leaning across the centre console of the car to hug him.  “I can’t imagine what you went through, but I understand why you did it.”

Joel’s arms encircled me and we held each other tightly.  The sound of our breathing and the rain beating heavily against the roof was getting loud in my ears.

“What happened to your Mum?” I asked, pulling away.

“She survived and refused to press charges against him.”  His voice took on a bitter edge.  “Instead, he pressed charges against me and she testified.”

“She what?”

“She testified against me.  She refused to admit what he had been doing to her for years.  She went back to the prick and I went to jail for beating
him
.  I spent four years locked up for what I did and he got away with everything he’d ever done.”

“That is so unbelievably unfair!” I screamed out in anger.  “How can she even call herself a mother?”

“Yeah, well, as far as I’m concerned, she’s not my mother.  Not anymore.”

“Have you spoken to her about it?”

“I haven’t spoken to her since I went to jail.  She could be dead for all I care.”  His voice held a sadness unlike anything I had ever heard before.  He may no longer think of her as his mother but that didn’t stop the hurt, or the fact that he no longer had one.

“ARGH!
  I’m so pissed that you went through all of that!”  I thumped the roof of the car.  “Joel it’s wrong, so fucking wrong.  How can she live with herself?”

“Look at you getting all feisty.”  Joel chuckled.

I looked at him in surprise.  He was smiling.  God it was good to see a smile on his face again.  I stared at him for a moment, probably with a bewildered expression on my face.  After everything he’d been through, he was smiling.  He was an amazing man. 
My amazing man.
  I leaned forward to steal a kiss.

“What was that for?”

“Have I ever told you how much I love your smile?  I really missed it this past week.  Thank you for telling me everything.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.  Can we come back from this,
Liv?  Will you be able to trust me again?”

“For some reason I already do.  I trust that was the only thing you’ve kept from me.”

“It was.  It is.”

“Promise you’ll never lie to me Joel.  No secrets?”

“I promise.  God Liv, I swear to you… I wanted to tell you, I tried-” I hushed him with a finger to his lips.

“I know you did.”  I removed my finger and replaced it with my lips for a kiss.  “I’m
gonna go back to my car.  We need to get home and out of these wet clothes.”