How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (43 page)

“You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by”

(J
OB
11:16).

Saying Goodbye

—
Look back
and reflect on the significance of the memories you shared with the one who is no longer in your life—exploring and expressing the depth and breadth of your feelings (such as love, appreciation, anger, and guilt).

—
Acknowledge
the impact this history has had on you as a person. Accept the fact that it will always be a part of who you are. But affirm also that it is time for you to move on with your life and become the person God is making of you
now.

—
State
that you cannot live in the past and that you have present needs that God plans to meet in new ways. Acknowledge that you need to embrace all that God has for you.

—
Say goodbye
to the past, to the pain, and to all that has been lost. Express your final sentiments that need to be said and say, “Goodbye.” Then turn your focus to the present and to the future that God has already planned for you, embracing your life now and your life in the future. Realize that you are ever in process and, therefore, ever changing. Say hello to whatever Jesus has for your life now.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid”

(J
OHN
14:27).

Grieving over the Loss of a Godly Parent

Question:
“Ever since the death of my godly dad, I’ve been angry with God and have turned away from the church. How can I get over my grief and face the future without my father?”

Answer:
The loss of a godly parent can be severely painful. Instead of focusing solely on how much you miss him…

—Focus on what would bring honor to his memory.

—Ask yourself,
If my dad were still alive, what would give him the greatest joy?

Based on the Bible, your dad’s greatest joy would be for you to follow in his footsteps, to live a Christlike life, and to grow in the truths of God.

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth”

(3 J
OHN
4).

Grieving over Unforgiveness

Question:
“Someone close to me died, and now it is too late for me to ask forgiveness for what I did wrong. What can I do about my heavy guilt?”

Answer:
You do not have to live with guilt even though you can no longer speak to the person you wronged. Realize that God is available to you.

—Write down every wrong attitude and action. Then confess your sins to God.

—Ask God’s forgiveness, realizing that all sins (even against others) are sins against God because He has told us how we are to treat one another.

—Write a letter to the one you wronged, read it aloud, and ask God to forgive you on behalf of the other person.

God knows your heart, and He can forgive your sins and restore to you a clear conscience.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast
spirit within me…The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise”

(P
SALM
51:10,17).

Grieving over Life Not Going Back to Normal

Question:
“I have experienced a devastating death in my family, and nothing feels the same. When will life return to normal?”

Answer:
When death takes someone dear to your heart, your life will not “return to normal.” However, you need to establish a “new normal.” When your life is changed by a significant loss, your “old normal” vanishes forever. Yet as you settle into a new routine with a new mind-set, you will develop a new normal—and over time, your comfort level will increase. During this process, remember that…

—God made you to be resilient by equipping you to adapt mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to new situations.

—Life itself consists of never-ending change from the moment of conception to the moment of death.

—Perpetual change brings with it the opportunity to grow in maturity.

Trust the Lord, who created you, and lean on Him as you find your new normal.

“Trust in the L
ORD
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”

(P
ROVERBS
3:5-6).

Dealing with Anger Toward God

Question:
“I have immense anger toward God for taking my child from me when she was the joy and the delight of my life. Why did God take her?”

Answer:
Any significant loss results in grief. However, one of the most severe losses is the loss of a child. In the natural order in life, one assumes that children will outlive their parents, not the reverse. Certainly God understands your anguish, and He can shoulder your anger. In order to overcome your anger at God…

—Honestly share your feelings with Him.

—Ask Him to give you insight into His love for you and His plan now for your life.

—Realize the heavenly Father is also a parent and that He has the heart of a parent toward you.

—Trust that God is perfect in His love for you and for your cherished daughter.

—Thank God for every moment He allowed you to spend with your daughter.

—Realize that your daughter has not been lost to you forever—she will spend eternity with you after God’s time for you here on earth is complete.

—Focus on what will honor your daughter’s memory as you live your life.

—Recognize children actually belong to God, not their parents. He has ultimate authority over their lives.

This grief in your life has not come from a heart of stone, but from a heart of love and compassion. While you may not see it now, God does not find pleasure in bringing grief to His beloved children. But He does what He does from His position as the all-sovereign, all-knowing, all-loving God of the universe.

“Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men”

(L
AMENTATIONS
3:32-33).

Dealing with Anniversary Depression

Question:
“Every year for the past several years I have become depressed at the anniversary of my spouse’s death. Why is it happening, and what can I do to stop it?”

Answer:
You are experiencing what is commonly referred to as anniversary depression, a yearly recurring reaction to a past loss or trauma. This involuntary depression correlates to the anniversary date of your loss and lasts
for a limited period of time. Because you know when your depression may recur, you might plan ahead. Establish a time to process some of your grief with a wise, caring friend or counselor. And because the depression can be triggered by conscious or unconscious memories, you can choose to create new memories around that date.

—Plan a trip with someone special around the time of the anniversary.

—Go to a Christian seminar or workshop to help keep your focus on the Lord and on His healing Word.

—Attend a social event so that you will not be alone, or invite loved ones for dinner at your home.

—Give loved ones a special remembrance in your spouse’s honor (a poem, a picture, or a possession that belonged to him or her).

—Initiate a project in honor of his or her life.

“The memory of the righteous will be a blessing”

(P
ROVERBS
10:7).

Feeling Guilty Because of Tears

Question:
“I have had a major loss in my life, but I should be over it by now. Why can’t I stop crying? Why do I cry for no apparent reason at times? I feel guilty about my tears.”

Answer:
There is no timetable for when you should be “over” grieving a significant loss. Losses are not to be “gotten over.” Our losses should be accepted, and our lives should be adjusted to accommodate our losses in such a way that the quality of our lives is not lessened, but is instead enriched. This can be a reality for you because God promises to use all things for good in the lives of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). As you go through the grief process, remember…

—Tears may come sporadically for years after your loss whenever something consciously or unconsciously triggers a memory, a scent, a place, a song, a person.

—Rather than trying to stifle your sorrowful emotions, let them flow freely. Experiencing them will help diminish them.

—Tears are for a reason and for a season. They are the body’s way of releasing deep emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain. When the pain is released, the tears will subside.

Those who love deeply cry freely at the loss of the object of their love. That you loved deeply is a good thing! You are like God in that way, for He loves deeply, too.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness”

(J
EREMIAH
31:3).

Dealing with a Most Difficult Time

Question:
“It has been almost six months since my loved one died, and instead of getting better, I seem to be getting worse. What is wrong with me?”

Answer:
Your grieving process is right on schedule. The sixth month after the loss of a loved one is generally the most difficult time in the grieving process. You will feel as though an unexpected second tidal wave has struck you and sent you reeling just when you thought you might be getting a handle on your grief. As you deal with this second wave of grief, realize…

—What happens at six months is that reality sets in on a much deeper level and opens up more of your soul to acknowledge and accept the significance of your loss.

—God does much of His work in us over a period of time rather than instantaneously.

When your life stays yielded to the Lord, the sorrow you are feeling will complete its work in you, and you will find that it has carved out within you a deep well that God, in His time, will fill with joy and peace and contentment.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”

(R
OMANS
15:13).

Dealing with Decisions

Question:
“I recently lost my spouse, and I feel like I am in a dense, heavy fog and cannot see my way out of it. I need to make some major decisions about what to do with the house and whether I should stay in it or sell it and move elsewhere. What should I do?”