How To Get Your Heart Broken (25 page)

He kissed the top of my head, and we were
quiet for a few moments, both of us trying to figure out how to say goodbye.

I let out a loud, unreserved laugh as “Drop
It Like It’s Hot” played, interrupting the silence in a strange and hilarious
way. I pulled away from Jessie’s chest and turned towards where Ash was
crouched behind the boom box. Julian was already running towards her, making me
laugh harder as I heard him yell, “Really Ashton?” To which she replied, “It
was the first thing that came on!”
 

“Sorry!” She turned to yell in our
direction. I was suddenly sure that I’d never loved her more.

Because as sad as I was, there was a part
of me that really felt like this was exactly where I was supposed to be. So
even as I cried, I smiled. And I continued to smile when Ash changed the
station, marveling at how this new song, whatever it was took my breath away.

There was something magical about this
night, it had been there from the beginning, and by some miracle this song
seemed to know everything I’d felt, turning it into something sad, yet
beautiful in a way I wouldn’t have understood before this moment.

“
I
don’t want to watch you leave, I don’t want to let you go…”

If there had ever been a moment in which I
could even entertain the possibility of divine intervention, I knew it would be
now.

I was thinking of how miraculous it was,
that I’d somehow found peace in this moment despite everything. Because I had;
I knew that Jessie and I were going to be okay; I knew we were all going to be
okay. And I had faith that wherever our individual paths led us would be
exactly where we were always meant to be. For a girl that had never believed in
anything, this realization meant everything.

“Tonight
you’ve safe with me
…” I thanked the words as I tried to catch
my breath and I looked up, sure that the stars had never shone so
brightly.
 

Though I was comfortable in this moment I
was already wondering what would happen after it and after that, the future
suddenly seeming like some infinite and incredible concept that I’d just
discovered for the first time.

“But
I can’t wait for what comes next…”

I looked around me, to where Ashton was
laughing as Julian ran around like an idiot with her on his back, just for that
moment she was untainted by the burden of everything she’d had to face this
summer. As if for tonight, we
had
left
our demons in the fire. It seemed impossible, and it seemed like it had never
been more possible as I watched Rachel running into the water, dancing waist
deep in it as if she’d just been given a second chance at life.

I watched them and cried harder. It wasn’t
all sad tears, I was just thinking of how much I loved all of them. I was just
wondering what life would throw at all of us, and if we would all be there to
face it together or if we would grow apart.

Jessie turned my face back towards his, and
just like he’d done before so many times before, kissed where the tears fell on
my cheeks. I held him as tightly as I could, as it suddenly occurred to me that
he wouldn’t be around to do this anymore.

It was as if he could read my thoughts.
“Lighten up,” he whispered. “No one’s dying. We’re just growing up. It’s the
opposite, it’s good,” he said. But he held me tighter as he said the words.

I let out a pitiful laugh. It made me feel
lighter. I felt like I’d finally found my place in the world. I never could
have done it without Jessie. I never could have done it without
any
of them. This summer had changed me.
I’d never known the world could feel this safe or silent. I could never have
imagined it would be that simple. That you get your heart broken into a million
pieces, and when you had nothing left to lose you would find a billion ways to
mend it.

I could never fear love again.
 
Even in this moment when every heartbeat felt
like trying to move a mountain, I knew that I’d never let another ending scare
me away from beginning.

                                                                                                                
The End

Epilogue: Begin
Again

It felt strange coming home for
Thanksgiving. After four months away…I wouldn’t go as far as to say I missed
the place, but I didn’t hate it so much.

Lauren had decided to come spend
Thanksgiving with mom and I, apparently she
missed
me
. Even though she insisted to both of my parents that she was old enough
to fly alone, it just so happened that Rachel was available to be her chaperone
since she was also flying in from NYU.

Rachel had been at my house every day since
getting back. We texted almost every day while we were at school, but it was
nothing like being in the same room together.

I remember the last time I’d seen her in
person, the night before Ash and I left for UNC. The three of us had lain in my
bed, quietly staring up at the ceiling, and squeezing the life out of each
other’s hands. You would have thought one of us was being sent to the
guillotine the next morning.

Rachel left for school about two weeks
after Ash and I did. When she first got to NYU, I called her every day.

Of course she never let on, but I’d known
how overwhelmed she was. But as always, she’d figured it out pretty quickly.
She had already gotten a summer internship in the animation department of an
advertising firm in the city. I promised her I would visit.
 

I, on the other hand, still hadn’t figured
it all out. I was going to wait until next year to declare a major because I
still had no clue what I wanted to do. But so far, I loved college. I loved the
independence and I loved the people. There were so many people around me doing
so many amazing things. They inspired me. I hadn’t figured out what exactly I
was going to do with all that inspiration, but I knew it would be epic when I
finally did.

In the meantime, I’d gotten involved with
quite a few groups. I totally embraced the whole idea of ‘
redefining yourself
’
that
they pitched to us at First Year Orientation (no one says
freshman
here; it’s practically a dirty word).

In addition to the Ballroom Team, I’d
joined a volunteering group that had me spending my Saturdays entertaining sick
kids in the hospital. I loved every second of it.

I’d had a hard time making friends at
first. Everyone seemed to find their best friend within five minutes of
stepping foot on campus, after which point they didn’t bother with anyone else.

But I had my roommate, Olivia, and Ash, and
this junior in my Spanish class named Jayce. Maybe I didn’t have a lot of
friends, but I had really good friends. That was enough for now.

I’d even heard from Jessie. Well,
sort of.
In the middle of September, I’d
gotten an email telling me I had a package. I’d been sure it was a mistake- I
couldn’t really think of anyone that would send me anything. When I’d seen the
words
Jessie Baker
written above the
return address, I’d torn through the box before even reaching my dorm.

There was a bittersweet smile on my face
when I held the contents in my hands. It was my reindeer mug. There was a note
attached to it.
  

Don’t say I never gave you anything.

                                                                                                    
-Jessie

When I asked Ash if she’d given him my
address, she played dumb, but the sudden rise in pitch in her voice had given
her away.

I spent a good week trying to figure out
how to respond to Jessie, racking my brain for some meaningful gift I could
give back, and then I gave up. I was never going to be able to pay him back.
Besides, I knew that Jessie would never give me anything because he was
expecting something back. So I tried something new. I tried to be honest.

I’d be lying if I ever said that. Even without
the mug. Thank you.

                            
-Elle

I cherished that mug. I loved it like it
was my first child. And then one day my roommate stumbled in drunk and knocked
half my stuff off my desk. The mug was shattered. I’d actually
cried.
It was embarrassing.

Olivia felt so bad that she bought me
another one. It actually looked a lot like the original too. But every time I
looked at it, it made me sad. There was nothing that was going to replace that
mug in my heart.

Alright.
You know I’m actually referring to its owner.
I just figured I didn’t actually need to say it.

A lot had happened in the past four months.
I’d learned so much. I’d had so many new experiences, and a lot of times I was
happy, but sometimes I wasn’t.

It all led back to one person. Two
syllables. One pair of devastatingly blue eyes. Three words that were never
returned…

I didn’t try to pretend I was over him. I
was
over
lying to myself.

I grew desperate. I went on a few dates
with another freshman-I mean,
first year
-that
lived in my hall. His name was Manuel. He was perfectly nice and attractive and
he asked me out three times before I finally agreed. But I couldn’t lie to
him-I had to tell that there was someone else. Someone else that I thought
about every day. So, we were trying to be friends.
 

They say time heals all wounds. And I
wanted to believe
them.
So I thought
maybe the hole Jessie left in my heart wasn’t a wound but just a souvenir. A
trophy even, because for a little while, I’d gotten to love the kindest, most
patient, and honest person I’d ever known. And as much as that hurt now, I
still felt like I’d won something.

See?
I really had turned over a new leaf.

“What’s going on with Ash and Jules?”
Rachel asked as I tied off the braid I’d pulled her hair into.

I smiled at the nickname. He would probably
kill us if he knew all of us called him that now. He could thank his brother.

I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me.

“They fight a lot. I think they’re on a
break. It’s kind of a touchy subject, so I try not to bring it up.”

Ash and Jules were having a hard time with
the long distance thing, mostly
Jules
to
be honest. He seemed to want the best of both worlds-all of the perks of having
a girlfriend with none of the responsibility. When they scheduled their Skype
dates, he often missed them. Ash had driven to Charleston to see him three
times, but he still hadn’t stepped foot on our campus. None of this surprised
me, but I’d wanted to be wrong.

The terrible truth was that sometimes when
I really missed Jessie, I would tell myself that that was better than going
through what Ash and Jules were right now.

“Well then, I guess
I
’ll bring it up!” Rachel said as she turned towards me. “I’ll have
to tell Jessie to kick that kid’s ass for me.”

I stared at my lap. I knew that Rachel and
Jessie still talked, and sometimes I envied their relationship.

Aside from the mug, I hadn’t heard anything
from him.

“Where is that little booger anyway?”
Rachel asked, subtly changing the subject.

“I texted Ash two hours ago and she said
she’d be here in two hours. She was trying to divide the week between her
parents, so she spent the first half of it with her mom in Asheville. I guess
there could have been traffic,” I shrugged.

The bell rang, punctuating my sentence. “Or
not,” I said, standing up.

“Wait, Elle!”

I turned to her. Rachel gripped onto my
arm. Her eyes widened. “That might not be-”

“Eli, come downstairs right now!” Lauren
exclaimed.

I yanked my arm free and turned back
towards my bedroom door.

“Is that Ash?” I asked as I ran out of my
room and down the stair.

Lauren’s voice had sounded urgent. Maybe it
was mom’s new
boy
friend. She wasn’t a
fan.

 
I
could hear Rachel running down the stairs after me. I knew she would be excited
to see Ash.
 

“Wait, Eli there’s something I was supposed
to tell you! I don’t know it this should be a surprise-”

I was listening to her, I even turned to
give her a questioning look, but I kept walking towards the door.

And then, my heart stopped. It did not
restart for twelve seconds.

“Jessie?” I gasped when it restarted.

I took the last two steps towards the front
door.

I could hear Rachel behind me. “Surprise!”
She whispered weakly. But I could not focus on that now. I concentrated on
making my mouth work.

God
, he looked great. His hair was a little longer and he wore a
button down that matched his eyes, fueling my obsession.

I took an automatic step back as he came
inside, as if this was all too much.
It
was.

He took another step towards me, grabbing my
hands before I could step back again. He was practically bouncing. He was
talking so quickly while I was using all of my energy to focus on breathing and
blinking.

“Do you remember that night, over the
summer, in the fort…?” He questioned urgently.

I nodded. I couldn’t forget.

“Do you remember that I was supposed to
tell you a secret?”

I smiled, and then I nodded.

He continued. “Well, I never did. And…a
deal is a deal, right?”

My smile grew wider. I nodded again.
He was like a hyperactive kid right now.
Reason three hundred and seven why I’d missed him…

“Well, here goes…” He took a short, deep
breath and then he said; “I’m in love with you.”

I continued to stand there, motionless. I’d
heard him, but the words didn’t register.

“Still…” he said, correcting himself.
He released one of my hands to cup my
cheek. “I’m still in love with you.”

My eyes turned
toward the front door. I saw Ash walking in.

“Don’t mind
me,” she whispered as she tiptoed in.

She moved
towards the living room, and that was when I noticed Rachel and Lauren peeking
over the living room wall, staring at us.

“Carry on,”
Rachel whispered-shouted when I looked at her.

Jessie didn’t
take his eyes off of me. It was as if he was too focused to notice them at all.
His thumb continued to caress my cheek. I turned my attention back to him as he
slid the rest of his fingers into my hair.

“You changed
your hair,” he said suddenly.

I shook my
head, “This is my natural hair color.”

As if it was
normal for us to be talking about this right now.

“It suits you,”
he smirked.

Reason three
hundred and eight…

My heart
swelled. We hadn’t seen each other in four months. Of course he would tell me
he was in love with me-
still-
and
then get distracted by my hair all within thirty seconds of us seeing each
other again.

“Say
something,” he pleaded. His brows furrowed.

I smiled. “Hi
Jessie,” I said simply.

He smiled back,
“Hi beautiful.” His eyes were still searching.

“Say something
else,” he said anxiously.

“You’re crazy,”
I said with a laugh. I still couldn’t believe any of this was happening.

He nodded, “I
know.”

I knew what he
was searching for, but I’d never seen him so impatient before, so I decided to
draw it out.

We stood in
silence. I was okay with not speaking, as long as he was still touching
me.
 

“Say something
else,” he whispered impatiently.

I let out a
slow breath, “I missed you.”

He pressed his
forehead to mine. “Something else,” he whispered again.

My breath caught. Not because of his
request, but because of the way he was looking at me. Like my answer would
determine the fate of the world.

I opened my
mouth. And then I paused. Everything was about to change. Everything I thought
I’d learned-about myself, about love-was about to be tested. It scared the
shit
out of me. And that was how I knew
this was right.

“I love you,” I
said excitedly, finally matching his urgency.

I could hear my sisters squealing and
cheering behind us as he leaned in to kiss me.

And then we begin again.