How To Get Your Heart Broken (23 page)

always look out for her. Rachel had always
been fiercely loyal, and now that she’d finally accepted Ashton I envied her,
because she now had the two best guardian angels a girl could have.

“If it’s something nice, I didn’t do it,”
she said.

“Umm huh,” I said mockingly, knowing I was
driving her crazy.

I jumped when the front door slammed. I’d
missed the end of the conversation, but I had a feeling that our silent
agreement to protect her had come just in time.

“Hey,” I said as Ash’s bloodshot eyes
peeked through the kitchen doors.

“So, can I move in with you?” She said in
between sobs.

She hesitated when she was finally in front
of us, and I gathered Rachel’s outstretched arms had been the reason.

“Hey, a hug from Rachel is a once in a
lifetime opportunity,” I encouraged, “This is the definition of a Kodak
moment.”

I scouted over as Ash came to sit in
between us and immaturely returned Rachel’s expression, sticking my tongue out
to her too.

“Take it now or forever hold your peace,”
Rachel said, still motioning for Ashton. I watched in awe as she sobbed into
Rachel’s shoulder, Rachel’s arm sliding soothingly up and down her back.

“Oh nice, a marriage joke,” I heard Ashton
mumble. And this time neither Rachel nor I were able to hold our laughter. She
scooted away from Rachel, staring at both of us like we’d grown extra heads.

“Welcome to the Damaged Daughters Club,”
Rachel said when she’d stopped laughing, “We meet under here every Tuesday.”
She motioned to the island.

“Yeah, yeah” she said, wiping a tear from
her cheek, “Just get me an aspirin, I feel like shit.”

Rachel let out an excited gasp, “She just
cursed!”

I laughed, rolling my eyes as Ashton began,
“It’s not the first time I’ve cursed you know, though I’m glad you find
pleasure in my corruption…”

“This was the “surprise” your parents
wanted to give you? Announcing their divorce in person?” I asked, remembering
how excited she was when she first learned they were coming to visit.

“Now that I think about it, I guess they
didn’t use the word
surprise
,” she
said solemnly.

We were silent for a moment, but none of us
could hold our laughter longer than that.

I got that feeling again, of floating above
the scene as an observer instead of actually being in it. This time I knew we
were all going to be okay.

Climax

Rachel barged into my room singing her own
remixed version of Usher’s “Climax” and staring me as if I was supposed to get
whatever point she was trying to convey.

“I don’t speak your language, Rachel,” I
groaned, pulling my covers back over my head.

She sighed dramatically, I could
practically hear her rolling her eyes, “Jessie’s here.”

My eyes snapped upon as I tried to process
her words.

“What?” I questioned dumbly as I reemerged
from the covers.

“He came with Julian. You should have seen
them, just marching up to that door all hot and sweaty…”

I ran to the bathroom, desperately trying
to make something presentable out of my under‒eye circles and the flaming
nest that had replaced my hair, the evident result of lying in bed all day.
Rachel was still standing at the door when I’d run back to my room.

“Wear that,” she said, pointing towards a
mini skirt and low cut halter top she’d laid out on my bed.

“What am I? A two‒dollar hooker? ” I
shook my head at the clothes, quieting the voice in my head that was
entertaining the idea.

“Hey, they’re your clothes, so…”

I sent her my best death glare, thinking
out loud as I flopped onto my bed, “Maybe he’s here to apologize,” I mumbled,
“…That doesn’t mean anything.”

We’d gone over this yesterday; over Rocky
Road ice cream at three in the morning after Ashton had finally ran out of
tears and passed out on the couch. He must have assumed that I was with Ashton
and Rachel when he called the cops, and treated them as collateral damage. Or
maybe he hated all of us.

Rachel, of course, had disagreed with this
theory, “Maybe he wanted you and Ashton in jail, but not me.”

“Cause you’re that special?” I’d asked
sarcastically.

“Exactly,” she’d said with a satisfied
smile.

“Maybe, oh, here’s a thought,” her eyes
widened dramatically as she plopped down on my bed, “Maybe he didn’t do it!”

This was certainly not something I’d heard
last night.

“Do you actually believe that?” I asked,
genuinely interested.

“Hey, they say opposites attract. He can’t
be as immoral as you are.”

I lugged the stupid halter top at her face,
walking to my closet before she could say anything else to piss me off.

---

“Hey,” I said hesitantly once I’d finally
inched my way to the porch. His back was to me, his hands gripping onto the
porch frame as if he’d been trying to rip it off. He turned abruptly when I
spoke and I had to concentrate all of my energy on trying not to throw up.

I was mentally slapping myself for the
outfit I’d settled on, black leggings and an oversized sweater with a giant cat
face on it. I’d decided that it would be demeaning to go downstairs wearing
next to nothing, that if he decided he wanted me, it would be because he wanted
me
and not because he couldn’t tear
his eyes away from my cleavage. All of that girl power crap had sounded so good
upstairs but now all I could

think off was how badly I wanted to kiss
him, and how I would have shut my mouth and squeezed into a damn cat woman
outfit if that was what it took.
 

Ashton and Julian were already making out
in the living room and I couldn’t help fantasizing about hot gluing their faces
together. I already knew that mine and Jessie’s conversation was going to end
differently. He looked as if he’d seen a ghost. I continued to stand there
dumbly, waiting for some sort of response. I began to fear that I was not going
to get any indication that what stood in front of me wasn’t simply a marble
statue created in the liking of Jessie.

I stepped out of the doorframe, taking a
few steps closer towards him, and letting out a small sigh of relief when I
received a reaction. He said nothing, he hadn’t even moved, but there was
apparent conflict in his eyes. I could tell he was just as unsure of what he
wanted to do as I was; I found myself unable to tell whether he wanted to slap
me or kiss me.

“I wish we could just start over‒”

“Pretend none of this ever happened? What
planet do you live on? You can’t just hit the replay button every time
something bad happens. It doesn’t work that way! Believe me, if I could go back
I would make sure none of this ever happened, I’d make sure I’d never met you.
But I can’t, and I’m not going to pretend.”

I tried to avoid the sting his words
caused, but I couldn’t.

“Then why are you here?” I asked angrily.

“Because I wanted to tell you how much I
hate you. I wanted to hurt you back.” His voice was calm, matter-of-fact. I
wanted him to yell. I hoped that if he let the anger out, then…

I shook my head. Those thoughts were
futile.

I sighed, “If it makes you feel better…” It
was the only thing I could give him.

“It doesn’t. And don’t pretend you care about
my feelings now.”

“How can you say that I don’t?” I breathed,
my voice sounding shakier than I wanted it to.

“Go to hell.”

I reached out, placing a hand on his upper
arm.

“Hey…”

“Don’t touch me,” he said with an edge I
didn’t recognize. It was almost as if it someone else was speaking.

Still, he didn’t pull away and I didn’t let
go.

Instead, he stood frozen, staring at me as
if he didn’t know how to do anything else. I couldn’t focus; it was like all
the world’s blue had originated from his eyes. It was all there, the color of
midnight, the sky, the ocean, and blue raspberry lollipops. Why had I spent so
much time pretending they weren’t remarkable?

I spoke slowly, “Jessie, I’m so
sorry‒”

“I’m not doing this,” he said suddenly,
backing away as if I was something dangerous. “I can’t.”

Then he was gone.

Panic struck me, the pang in my heart
accompanied by a sudden stroke of nausea that left me wanting to abandon my
entire body, to leave this place and somehow go back, to somehow undo
everything I’d done wrong and all the ways I’d hurt him, so he wouldn’t do the
same to me. I got the feeling that none of it was going to be okay and that I
wasn’t going to be fine. Life without Jessie suddenly seemed like the worst
case scenario and this time there was no containing the tears. I suddenly felt
infinitely hollow.

“I can’t,” he’d said. The words continued
to play in my head like a broken record. I hadn’t ever imagined they would
torture me so.

Everything You Think You Know

“Remember that day you
came into my room and asked me what I was working on, and I gave you a
sarcastic answer?”

My eyes narrowed. I
vaguely remembered that conversation; it was the first time she tried to call
the bet off.

“Sure,” I said,
rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

“I want to show you
something. It has nothing to do with your drama, or Ashton’s, it’s about me.
It’s just something I’ve been working on for a while and I wasn’t sure if I
wanted to show you, or anyone…”

My eyes widened,
“Where is this going?”

“Follow me,” Rachel
said with a deep breath.

I rose quickly,
curiosity filling me, the first time in too long I’d felt something besides
sadness and regret. Rachel led me into her room and opened her laptop. She sat
at the edge of her bed and motioned for me to sit in her desk chair. As she
pulled open a file, panic struck inside a small part of me, because I had no
idea what she was going to show me, and I couldn’t help but assume it was bad.
So I was beyond surprised when the program finally loaded. Rachel pulled up a
video and as she pressed play, I saw animated versions of me, her, and Ashton
walking towards a car.

I gasped and turned to
her. Of all the things…

“Just watch,” she said
impatiently, swiveling my chair back in the direction of her laptop.

Our animated versions
got into a little animated car, a red bug. “Rachel” was in the driver’s seat.
She turned on the car, the radio, and then started driving. I recognized the
song playing as Bruno Mars’ “Count on Me.” Animated Eli was slowly bobbing her head
side to side as we drove down a wide, empty road surrounded by trees on either
side.

Suddenly, we arrived
at a house that was smaller than the beach house, but painted the same peculiar
shade of blue. In the midst of the chorus, animated Rachel turned off the radio
and we all got out of the car. Music was replaced by sound effects as we shut
our car doors. The screen went black as we all walked towards the house.

I blinked back into
reality. Rachel was silent, and I realized she was waiting for my reaction.

“What did I just see?”
I asked out loud. I shook my head as I watched her face fall. “I mean, that was
amazing! I was just surprised; I had no idea you wanted to be an animator…is
there more?”

She let out a
humorless laugh that quickly turned into a mock cry, “That’s it.”

“Oh,” I said
uselessly.

“That was awesome
though,” I added. I meant it.

Then I remembered
watching a video about the making of
The
Lion King
when I was younger and realizing how much work went into making a
two hour animated film.

“It’s just because
you’re a beginner,” I said encouragingly. “Anyway it’s about quality not
quantity and that, was cinematic genius.”

She cracked a smile,
“Did you really like it?”

It was so strange to
see Rachel unsure about something, especially when I was feeling so proud of
her.

“Of course I did, I
loved it!” I said enthusiastically. “I could totally see you working for
Disney, making the next great animated film…Is that what you want to do?”

She shrugged, “You
know me, I’m not much of a planner. But yeah, I’d be okay with that.”

The edge in her voice
told me she would be more than okay with that, but of course she was too cool
to show enthusiasm.

When I thought about
it, this wasn’t as surprising as I initially found it. Rachel was into animated
films the same I was into traditional films. I’d forgotten that this was
something we’d bonded over when we first became friends. We used to dream that
we’d both be working in Hollywood one day, me as a film producer and her in
animation. I must have assumed that we’d
both
let go of that dream.

“Can I show Ash?”

Rachel rolled her
eyes.

“Please?”

“Fine,” she sighed.

I ran across the hall
to grab Ash before Rachel changed her mind I barged into her room the same way
Rachel had barged into mine.

“Put down that book,
I’ve got something to show you,” I said as I entered.

I smiled with
satisfaction. She
was
reading.

“Okay,” she said
tentatively, placing a bookmark in her paperback before following me to
Rachel’s room.

“What is this about?”
She asked as we entered, posing the question to both of us.

Rachel was sitting on
her desk chair now. “Sit and watch,” she said to Ash, pointing to the edge of
her bed.

I stood behind Rachel
to watch it again.

“Is that me?” Ash asked,
pointing to the animated version of herself in the car.

“You can’t tell?”
Rachel asked doubtfully.

“How long have you
been working on this?” Ash asked.

“A while,” Rachel
responded.

Ash was silent until
it ended. Then she asked, “You’ve been working on this all summer, right?”

“Hey, this is a lot
more work than you would think,” Rachel said defensively.
 

Ash shook her head,
“No, that’s not it. You’ve been working on this all summer and I’m in it.”
 

A smile spread across
her lips. She wrapped her arms around Rachel from the side and squeezed. Rachel
and I exchanged surprised glances.

“I knew it, you loved
me all along!” Ash smiled.

Then I couldn’t help
laughing, especially as Rachel tentatively patted Ash’s arm. She still wasn’t
used to being friends with her, but I knew they were getting there.

I smiled at the fact
that my prediction had actually come true. I could tell by the look on Rachel’s
face she was thinking about that too. I winked, laughing as she stuck her
tongue out at me.

“I can’t believe out of the three of us,
you’re the one that has her life figured out,” I said in disbelief.

I was supposed to be pondering important
questions, ones that I would have to answer soon. Questions about who I wanted
to be,
what
I wanted to be, where I
wanted to go... and even now a part of me couldn’t stop thinking about how
there wasn’t any other blue that matched his eyes. My priorities were all out
of whack. It didn’t matter that I would never admit that to anyone, I was
embarrassed at the realization that I cared more about a boy than my own
future.