How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (44 page)

It starts with a single thread…and before long, a spider weaves an intricately designed web with only one intention—to capture prey.

It starts with a single picture, a single sexual image that pops onto the computer screen. And before long, you’re ensnared, entrapped in a complex, all-consuming web of sexual addiction. You’re undeniably stuck—you look around and all you see, all you think about, is sex. You’re obsessed with erotic excitement, continually contemplating where and when you’ll feed your sexual appetite.

Like an alcoholic who craves alcohol, you crave sex—you must have sexual stimulation. But there’s another side to what is called
sexual addiction:
What stimulates also brings
shame
…with
fear
that you’ll never find your way out of the web.

God created sexuality and blessed it within the context of marriage. And He can help you break free of the binding web that keeps your mind captive. He can give you the strength to break free from the web, and He can replace harmful passions with healthy ones.

Even if you feel that your mind and heart have been too defiled, remember that God is a Redeemer—a Deliverer! There is no willing soul that He can’t make clean.

“You, O
LORD,
have delivered my soul from death, my
eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may
walk before the L
ORD
in the land of the living”

(P
SALM
116:8-9).

Saint by day, sex addict by night.

Mark was fully aware of the dangerous dynamics that accompany a double life. He lived on both sides for more than 30 years—constantly dodging suspicion, continually fearing getting caught. He wrestled constantly with guilt and shame, but
still
he couldn’t stop; he couldn’t end his insatiable drive for sexual excitement. And that’s why, like the alcoholic who craves a drink or the chain smoker who craves a cigarette, Mark craved sex, out-of-control sex, which categorized him with millions of others around the world as a
sex addict
.

By day, Mark served as a pastor and counselor, taught at a Christian college, and volunteered on the local school board. But by night, Mark slipped over to the seedier side of town, losing himself in lust, in the shadows hiding his shame.
¹
And Mark would be the first to admit:

“Everything in the world
—
the cravings of sinful man
,
the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does
—
comes not from the Father but from the world”

(1 J
OHN
2:16).

The respected titles, the reviling behavior, just didn’t add up. Not only was Mark respectfully addressed as Reverend Mark Laaser, he earned a PhD in psychology, tagging him also as
Dr
. Mark Laaser. Mark was supposed to be a model of spiritual discipline, an expert on assessing and controlling human behaviors. But his addiction got the best of him, and it was the demon that drove his life.

Since college, Mark had struggled with excessive “self sex,” and in graduate school he started visiting X-rated bookstores and patronizing massage parlors, where he’d have sex with so-called “masseuses.” These practices continued while he worked vocationally as a pastor and a counselor, but eventually Mark’s nighttime and daytime worlds merged. Hurting, vulnerable women who came to his counseling practice became part of his sexual addiction as Mark initiated affairs with several of them.
²

The scope of Mark’s sexual addiction was staggering. Hiding behind his religious exterior, he was like a lion in cover:

“He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net”

(P
SALM
10:9).

Sexual addiction is…

–
Compulsive.
A compulsive dependence on erotic excitement, resulting in detrimental patterns of thinking and behaving

–
Immoral.
The Greek noun
porneia
, translated as “fornication” or “immorality,” is an umbrella word that covers all forms of sexual immorality.
³
We are told to “put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:5).

–
Enslaving
.
The Greek word
douloo
means “to bring under bondage or enslave.”
⁴
The Bible says, “They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him” (2 Peter 2:19).

Have you ever wondered whether those who have been caught for years in the snare of sexual addiction can ever be set free? The simple answer is
yes
! God’s Word gives absolute assurance that anyone can be set free. The Bible says,

“My eyes are ever on the L
ORD
, for only
he will release my feet from the snare”

(P
SALM
25:15).

Sexual Desire vs. Lust

Q
UESTION:
“At what point does the normal sexual desire turn into lust?”

A
NSWER:
It is natural to be attracted to someone, but unnatural to
sexualize
a person. When your mind moves from normal attraction to consuming passion to do a sexually-impure act, then you experience lust. The Bible says, “Do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires” (Romans 6:12).

B. What Are the Streets into Sexual Addiction?

At age 11, Mark discovered pictures of naked women, pictures today he would describe as soft porn. Mark was fixated. The images imprinted on his mind eventually preoccupied his thoughts. The young son of a preacher next found himself caught up in another vice: stealing
Playboy
magazines from the local drugstore.

“I knew that stealing was bad,” Mark recalled. “But I was willing to go ahead with it because the high was so fantastic of what I was experiencing.”
⁵

For many people sinking in the sands of sexual addiction, their first introduction to pornography came during childhood. The idyllic picture of innocent children building castles in the sand is too often marred by the quicksand of childhood sexual abuse. The Bible says,

 

“If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin
,
it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung
around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea”

(M
ATTHEW
18:6).

 

Some seemingly harmless avenues of modern entertainment are actually dangerous back alleys leading to sexual seduction.

 

•
Advertisements
—provocative lingerie, perfume, billboards, catalogs containing sensual images

•
“Adult”
—bookstores, peep show booths, nightclubs

•
Cards
—pornographic postcards, playing cards, photographs

•
Computers
—sexual games, Internet sites, chat rooms

•
Covert businesses
—escort services, massage parlors

•
Movies
—slasher films, R-rated and X-rated films

•
Music
—sexually explicit lyrics

•
Nudity
—topless bars, nudist camps and beaches

•
Printed literature
—pornographic books, magazines, cartoons, comics

•
Telephone
—900 numbers, phone sex, texting sexual images, and videos on cell phones

•
Television
—cable, soap operas, videos portraying sensuality and adultery

When you find yourself heading down the wrong street, follow this instruction from Proverbs:

 

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
.
Put away perversity…Let your eyes look straight ahead
,
fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right
or the left; keep your foot from evil”

(P
ROVERBS
4:23-27).

“Harmless” Porn

Q
UESTION:
“Pornography is harmless, so why should it ever be illegal?”

A
NSWER:
Pornography is far from being harmless. Everyone who has been caught in the web of sexual addiction has obliterated that myth.

 

• Pornography is addictive and often leads to abuse of others.

• According to the Federal Bureau of Prisons, 76 percent of those convicted of an Internet-related crime against a child were also guilty of physically abusing children, with an average of 30 child victims each.
⁶

• All of us would be wise to share the resolve of King David: “I will set before my eyes no vile thing” (Psalm 101:3).

C. What Is the Springboard into Sexual Quicksand?

But visualizing simply wouldn’t suffice…

By high school, Mark took his sexual addiction to the next level, wanting to “act out” his sexual fantasies, wanting
more
sexual excitement. Mark continued to look at magazines, but he also began viewing pornographic videos, and his masturbation habits heightened.

Mark’s one great hope—the one person he thought could pull him out of the sexual quicksand—was his high school sweetheart, Debra. Debra knew nothing of Mark’s secret life, and Mark, believed marriage would help cure his crazed sexuality. He remembers thinking,
All this crazy stuff in the past
—
that will be over now. I’m getting married. I’ll have a regular sexual partner.
⁷

But old habits die hard, and early into his marriage Mark found himself once again feeding his sexual appetite with pornography. The sexual quicksand eventually swallowed Mark, continuing 15 years into their marriage. Debra indeed would become one of many strong arms who helped to pull Mark out.

If only every addict had heeded the words in the very first book of the Bible: “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it” (Genesis 4:7).

What Is Pornography?

– Pornography
is the depiction of erotic activity for the purpose of arousing sexual, lustful excitement.
⁸

–
Pornography
is from the Greek word
porne
, which means “prostitute or harlot.”
⁹

–
Pornography
debases sexuality and ridicules Christian values in favor of lust and immorality. The Bible says, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body” (1 Corinthians 6:13).

Nudity and Porn

Q
UESTION:
“Since God created the human body as sexual, what’s wrong with nudity and pornography?”

A
NSWER:
God ordained human sexuality for intimacy in marriage and for procreation, while pornography and the nudity found in it is designed simply to arouse indiscriminate sexual lust.

Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).

What Is Soft-core Porn?
¹⁰

– Soft-core porn
is the depiction of adult nudity or nonexplicit sexual activity between adults.

– Soft-core porn
is usually not illegal.

Regardless of what man says is legal, it is always wise to know and obey God’s laws and to follow only those who do. Exodus 23:2 says, “Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong.”

Objection to Legal Porn

Q
UESTION:
“Since adult bookstores, X-rated movies, and other types of adult pornography are usually legal, why should anyone object to them?”

A
NSWER:
Sadly, legality is not synonymous with morality.

 

• Just because something is legal doesn’t make it morally right.

• Lawmakers often respond to pressures of lobbyists or the most vocal special interest groups, settling for less than the excellence set by God’s moral law. Sadly, many whose business it is to make laws do not realize or believe “we must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29).

Medical Books vs. Porn

Q
UESTION:
“Are all sexually explicit images pornographic?”

A
NSWER:
No. A medical book containing sexually explicit pictures designed to teach or inform others would not be considered pornographic. A presentation of the human body from an artist’s viewpoint may not necessarily be considered pornographic either. Consider Michelangelo’s
David
. Proverbs 17:24 says, “A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth.”

What Is Hardcore Porn?

 

–
Hardcore porn
is the depiction of explicit or bizarre sexual activity that is clearly offensive and blatantly degrading to human beings.

–
Hardcore porn
is the street term for
obscene
, which means that it is illegal.
¹¹

–
Hardcore porn
can include urinating, defecating, or vomiting on another.

 

“Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies
and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and
debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe
yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think
about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature”

(R
OMANS
13:13-14).

P ORNOGRAPHIC M ATERIAL	G OD’S M ANDATE
Heterosexual porn depicts explicit sex acts between males and females, including oral and group sex.	“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (H EBREWS 13:4).
Homosexual porn depicts explicit sex acts between members of the same sex.	“Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable” (L EVITICUS 18:22).
Kiddie porn depicts children having sex with adults and with other children. Though illegal to own or produce, child porn is especially used by pedophiles. (Pedophilia is a “sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual object.” 12 )	“If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck” (M ARK 9:42).
Bestiality porn depicts sexual activity between humans and animals, such as dogs, horses, pigs, or donkeys.	“Cursed is the man who has sexual relations with any animal” (D EUTERONOMY 27:21).
Sexual-devices porn depicts the use of “toys,” such as mousetraps, fishhooks, and rings on the sexual anatomy. In bondage sex, devices such as handcuffs, wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, bedpost straps, passion paddles, and chains are used to depict dominance and submission.	We should line up with King David’s conviction: “Men of perverse heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with evil” (P SALM 101:4).
Sadomasochistic porn depicts torture of all kinds, including bondage, rape, mutilation, and murder. Slasher films and snuff films are X-rated movies that-contain perverted sex acts and extreme violence, and culminate in murder.	“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple” (1 C ORINTHIANS 3:16-17).

Classification of Illegal Porn

Q
UESTION:
“What determines whether sexual material is classified as illegal pornography?”

A
NSWER:
Material classified as illegal varies from country to country. However, in most countries, that which is obscene is considered illegal. In the 1973 case
Miller v. California
, the United States Supreme Court established a three-part test to define what is legally obscene.

 

•
Pornography that is obscene
…
¹³

– Appeals to inordinately lustful appetites as understood by the community

– Depicts clearly offensive sexual conduct as defined by state law

– Lacks serious literary, realistic, political, or scientific value

 

•
Obscenity
appeals to, and even urges, vileness instead of virtue

•
Obscenity
degrades the value of human beings

 

“Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality
,
or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are
improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity
,
foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place”

(E
PHESIANS
5:3-4).

Legislating Morality and Porn

Q
UESTION:
“Since we can’t legislate morality, why is there so much concern about pornography?”

A
NSWER:
We can legislate morality, and we do in the sense that most laws deal with morality. Biblical laws, such as those against murder, lying, and stealing, are seen in the laws of every civilized society.

 

– Laws generally reflect the morality of those who make them (but laws can never legislate morality in the hearts of people).

– Laws help restrain immoral behavior (but they have no power to make people moral). Ultimately, who would desire to live in a society where morality and the legal system were entirely disconnected? No one would feel secure living in a community that provided no legal recourse against robbery or assault. So, why would anyone choose to allow the porn industry to produce sexually exploitive products that are like weapons that assault human dignity and steal minds, hearts, and money?

Every legal code in human history has been undergirded by the (written or unwritten) moral code of the community, and laws reflect society’s morals:

 

“You shall not murder…You shall not steal…You shall not
give false testimony against your neighbor”

(E
XODUS
20:13,15-16).

D. What Is the Difference between Male and Female Sexual Addiction?

Here they come again: vows of “I’m never going to do that again!” But they vanish quickly and repeatedly as the addict plunges once again into a perverted pool of sexual pleasure. Strugglers ultimately come to believe there is no hope. They feel that they are locked into a behavior that will dog them the rest of their lives.

Male and female addicts respond in different ways to their struggle. Female addicts often find coping strategies to manage their despair and shame. For example, they clean compulsively, shop, or pour themselves into family activities. Some turn to the church, serving in a variety of ways, while others will exercise, eat, or drink in excess.
¹⁴
Each struggler is looking for something that will at least temporarily break the cycle of sexual addiction.

By contrast, men seem to be able to compartmentalize their lives more easily. They think,
As long as I perform well at my job, then I’m okay
. At least, that’s the justification they give.

Contrast Male and Female Sex Addicts

M ALE A DDICTS	F EMALE A DDICTS
• Men seek sexual passion.	• Women seek closeness and connection.
• Men are less relational—not necessarily involved with others.	• Women are more relational—usually involved with others.
• Men tend to involve spouses.	• Women involve other men—not spouses.
• Men are more apt to seek out prostitutes.	• Women seek out acquaintances.
• Men may “flash” themselves to others.	• Women may flaunt themselves before others.
• Men are more accepted by others.	• Women are more condemned by others.
• Men have many available support groups.	• Women have few available support groups.
• Men are less likely to lose their jobs.	• Women are more likely to lose their jobs.
• Men are called studs .	• Women are called sluts .
• Men are less likely to trade or sell sex.	• Women are more likely to trade or sell sex.
• Men don’t use uncharacteristically foul language.	• Women often explode with foul language when alone or in a recovery group.

H USBANDS OF F EMALE A DDICTS	W IVES OF M ALE A DDICTS
• Husbands are more likely to divorce their wives.	• Wives are more likely to remain married to their husbands.
• Husbands are encouraged to divorce.	• Wives are encouraged to forgive.
• Husbands feel greater shame.	• Wives feel greater guilt.
• Husbands are viewed as victims of their wife’s addiction.	• Wives are viewed as the cause of their husband’s addiction.
• Husbands are slow to acknowledge their own dysfunction.	• Wives are quick to acknowledge their own dysfunction.
• Husbands are reluctant to seek help.	• Wives are eager to seek help.
• Husbands react more with anger.	• Wives react more with sadness.
• Husbands become controlling.	• Wives become depressed.

Who ultimately is responsible for a spouse’s sexual addiction? Who is accountable for any act of sin? The addict is not to blame his or her spouse. The Bible makes it plain: “Each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Romans 14:12).

II. C
HARACTERISTICS OF
S
EXUAL
A
DDICTION

As a little girl, Marnie Ferree was exposed to an unhealthy, untrue, and unbiblical equation: sex=love.

From age 5 to 20, she was indoctrinated in a skewed sexual code of conduct:
¹⁵

 

• Significant relationships are supposed to be sexual.

• Sexuality is powerful and should be used to control and manipulate others.

• No one could be counted on to nurture or protect her.

The man who spewed forth these lies wasn’t a sexual predator who randomly plucked Marnie off a playground. He was considered a dear family friend, and to Marnie,
a beloved father figure
. It wasn’t until Marnie was well into her thirties that she came to understand the diabolical deception behind his corrupt conduct, and it took her just as long to realize that this alternative, nurturing father figure was actually her abuser.
¹⁶

The twisted messages Marnie received about sexuality, her neediness in a dysfunctional family, and her confusing experiences during her formative years all propelled Marnie down a path of sexual addiction that almost dead-ended in suicide. The Bible gives this word of warning:

 

“There is a way that seems right to a man
,
but in the end it leads to death”

(P
ROVERBS
14:12).

A. What Are the Characteristics of Sexual Addiction?

The unholy equation of sex=love had been firmly planted in Marnie’s mind, and during her teen years, she knew multiple sexual partners.

If Marnie wanted to feel loved,
she had to have sex
. If Marnie wanted to feel significant,
she had to have sex
. If Marnie wanted to feel secure,
she had to have sex
. “I was trying to get nonsexual needs met sexually, and that was the only way I knew how to meet those needs,” she recalled.

Marnie’s first marriage was anything but monogamous and ended in divorce. Her second marriage was on the same track until a diagnosis of cervical cancer caused by a sexually transmitted disease brought her to a screeching halt. Marnie almost died from surgical complications, but as soon as her body healed, her sexual addiction went back into overdrive.

Marnie led the proverbial double life. Some knew her as sensual, but many perceived her as spiritual. Marnie taught in Sunday school, sang in the choir, led a women’s Bible study, and published her Christian writings. “I was wracked with shame and tried time and time again to stop,” Marnie said painfully. “On the outside, I looked like I had it all together. On the inside, I was a total wreck.”

The double life Marnie was leading totally demoralized her, and in suicidal despair, she finally sought help.

What Constitutes a Sexual Addiction?

Not everyone who is sexually immoral is sexually addicted. While many adulterers and all rapists are sex offenders, such offenders are not all sex addicts. (Rape is an act of violence, a power play emanating from anger.) What constitutes a sexual addiction? Within the heart of every addict is a sense of shame—shame because they feel unlovable, unworthy, and unwanted—shame resulting from repeated failure and abandonment. This shame within an addict produces predictable sexual beliefs and behavior. Proverbs 18:3 says that “with shame comes disgrace.”

Is your sexual activity…

	S—Secretive	not within normal cultural boundaries and filled with guilt and shame (living a double life)?
	H—Hollow	not a relationship with a spouse, but a relationship focused on sexual passion (prioritizing sexual passion over people)?
	A—Abusive	not uplifting to yourself or to others, but degrading to both (exploiting others and debasing yourself)?
	M—Mood-altering	not facing difficult feelings, but seeking an emotional quick fix (using sexual passion for comfort or to avoid working through painful emotions)?
	E—Essential	not believing you can live without frequent sex (convincing yourself that sex is the most important thing in life)?

Me? A Sex Addict?

How do you know whether you have a sexual addiction or just a high sex drive? Answer these questions with a check mark (
) in order to assess whether the word
addict
applies to you.

Do you keep your sexual behavior secret from those closest to you?

Do you feel driven to have sex with people you wouldn’t normally choose or in places you wouldn’t normally be?

Do you habitually look for anything sexually arousing in newspapers, magazines, and other media?