How to Be a Person (18 page)

FOR BEST RESULTS
:
Use once if you must, twice if you love it, three or more times if you want trouble.

CEASE USAGE IF
:
You’re sleeping with dealers to support your habit. KIDDING! Way, way, way before that. Like now.

Methamphetamine

A.K.A.
:
Crystal, meth, crystal meth, tina, crank, hillbilly crack, the poor man’s life-ruiner.

METHOD OF INGESTION
:
Smoked, snorted, injected.

EFFECTS
:
Frazzled alertness, compulsive horniness, grossly inflated sense of self.

SIDE EFFECTS
:
Tooth loss, paranoia, insomnia, tremors, twitching, friendlessness, heart attack, stroke, death.

FOR BEST RESULTS
:
Run in the other direction.

CEASE USAGE IF
:
You’re stupid enough to do it in the first place.

Ecstasy

A.K.A.
:
E, X, MDMA, Molly, happy-fun pills.

METHOD OF INGESTION
:
Swallowed.

EFFECTS
:
Four to six hours of ravishing happiness and emotional openness.

SIDE EFFECTS
:
Clenched teeth, severe day-after depression.

RECOMMENDED ACTIVITIES
:
Talking, dancing, touching, or being touched. Though some people view ecstasy as a sex drug, it can be difficult for men to get it up, which is a real damper on sexytime.

BE WARNED
:
If you’re on antidepressants, you might not feel much, as many antidepressants regulate the amount of serotonin your brain will release at a time.

DON’T FORGET
:
Water. Ecstasy-related deaths are almost always the result of dehydration. But not too much water! A few fools have died of waterloggedness. (True!)

FOR BEST RESULTS
:
Use once a year for the duration of your college career.

CEASE USAGE IF
:
You’re extending your college career so you can keep doing ecstasy.

LSD

A.K.A.
:
Acid, WHOA!!!!!

METHOD OF INGESTION
:
Absorbed on tongue.

EFFECTS
:
Fascinatingly fractalized experience of space and time, hallucinations.

SIDE EFFECTS
:
Sometimes-scary knowledge of the intimate workings of the universe.

FOR BEST RESULTS
:
Use with close friends, in nature, no more than once a year. Find a safe and comfortable place, eat a light, bland meal beforehand, and make sure you have lots of water as well as an experienced “lifeguard” who can help everyone stay safe and sane.

CEASE USAGE IF
:
You value your sanity.

Mushrooms

A.K.A.
:
Magic mushrooms, ’shrooms, funny fungus.

METHOD OF INGESTION
:
Eaten or drunk as tea.

EFFECTS
:
Kinda like LSD, but less intense, friendlier. Mushrooms are a college-druggie favorite, and like marijuana, they have the advantage of being produced in nature and not made in laboratories by people who don’t care about you, like many other drugs. Depending on the dosage, setting, and your individual brain chemistry, mushrooms can crack open the universe and bring profound insights about the wholeness and beauty of everything, or send you barreling down a terrible tube of fear and anxiety.

SIDE EFFECTS
:
Similar to acid, with an extra risk of puking from the grossness of the mushrooms.

BE WARNED
:
Don’t go out hunting for mushrooms on your own if you don’t really, really know what you’re doing. Scientists have only classified 15 percent of the world’s fungi, and a lot of
known
fungi are deadly, to saying nothing of unknown fungi.

FOR BEST RESULTS
:
(See LSD.)

CEASE USAGE IF
:
(See LSD.)

Heroin

A.K.A.
:
Smack, horse, dope, fentanyl (synthetic heroin), sweet lady H.
METHOD OF INGESTION
:
Snorted, smoked, injected.

EFFECTS
:
An avalanche of ravishing, full-body pleasure compressing a lifetime of orgasms into one hour-long rush.

SIDE EFFECTS
:
Puking, as well as almost instant enslavement to that avalanche of ravishing, full-body pleasure compressing a lifetime of orgasms into one hour-long rush. With enough time, opiates will turn pretty much anyone into a robot programmed exclusively for narcotic longing. Being addicted to opiates—from oxy to heroin—is like having each cell in your body suffering from both heartbreak and food poisoning. The short-term solution to the problem is more opiates. The long-term solution to the problem is powering through the misery of withdrawal. If you must use opiates, use them
very
sparingly and never, ever take them (recreationally) for two days in a row. That is the first step down a hallway that leads to metabolic
addiction, a condition you will not have noticed entering until you feel the first painful thrums of withdrawal shivering through your body. That is not a feeling you want to experience.

FOR BEST RESULTS
:
Stay away. Like crystal meth, heroin is one of the rare drugs that are not worth fucking with even once. Satisfy your opiate cravings with the occasional stray Vicodin.

CEASE USAGE IF
:
You dare to start.

A Note That Could Save Your or a Friend’s Life

If you’re with someone who is overdosing on anything—lost consciousness, stopped breathing, too hot or cold and clammy—CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY AND BEGIN ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION. Many states and colleges have a Good Samaritan rule that protects people who call 911 to stop an overdose from prosecution for drug possession. (If you elect decent people, you get decent laws.) In those states and at those schools, by calling 911 for an overdosing friend, you are
not
risking prosecution. By not calling 911, you
are
risking death. If you’re in doubt, call 911. It’s the right thing to do.

A Final Word About Drugs

Just because lots of people experiment with drugs in college doesn’t mean you have to. Should you choose to experiment with drugs—and booze is a drug, too—remember that honesty, integrity, and refusal to be pressured into doing stupid things will serve you well. Whatever you do, don’t romanticize the drug habits of famous people like Miles Davis, Charles Bukowski, William Burroughs, Billie Holiday, Hunter S. Thompson, Ken Kesey, Lenny Bruce, Kurt Cobain, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, or anybody else. You are not, and cannot be, them. You can only be you. As comedian (and recovering addict) Russell Brand pointed out when Amy Winehouse died: Some people have talent. Some people have the addiction disease. Some people have both. But, for the love of god, do not confuse one with the other.

9. A FEW WORDS ABOUT MANNERS

BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT AND LINDY WEST

A Few of the Basics

D
on’t talk with your mouth full. Use a coaster. If you want the ketchup, say, “Could you please pass the ketchup?” Then, when someone passes it to you, say, “Thank you!” When someone is talking to you, put down your goddamn phone and stop texting for one goddamn second. If someone sends you an invitation and asks you to RSVP,
RSVP
. If you go out to eat with people, bring cash. If someone asks you to do something but you’re not interested but there’s no way to decline without hurting their
feelings, say, “Yeah, I
might
take you up on that!” Then hide from that person forever. When you walk through a door, look behind you. If there is another person within 10 paces of you, hold the door for that person. If someone holds a door for you, say, “Thank you!” Be cordial to others, even if you are having a bad day (it’s not their fault). Be a good loser and a gracious winner. Tip 20 percent. Don’t be late. Listen.

How to Have a Conversation

Talking to people can be horrible (fuckin’ people, all “LET’S TALK!!!”), but there are a few simple tricks that can make it easy. Nobody wants to hear about your dream. Nobody wants to hear about your dog. Nobody wants to hear about how you’ve noticed that some people say “soda” and other people say “pop.” Instead, ask questions. Just ask questions. The only thing people love more than talking about themselves is LITERALLY NOTHING. With just a few choice words on your part, you can trick your conversational adversary into doing all the work. Words like “So, what do you do?” or “How long have you lived in [CITY]?” or “How about that danged sports team?” or “What was your relationship like with your dead mother?” Boom. Conversationed.

And hey, ladies—don’t do that lady thing where you let yourself either fade into the background of a conversation or participate only as a sexual object. SAY STUFF. Look people in the eye, give a
firm handshake, speak up, and don’t say yes if you really mean no.

DON’T YOU DARE.

How to Take a Compliment

Brushing off a compliment not only is rude, it makes you look like an insecure basket case. If someone tells you that your hair looks nice, don’t blush and look at the floor and mumble, “FUCK YOU! NO IT DOESN’T!” Instead, make eye contact and say, “Oh, thank you so much! That’s so nice of you!” Smile and move on with your day with a spring in your step. Your hair looks nice! Good for you, Fonzie! You are not obligated to return the compliment, because that can come off as insincere. But if you really mean it, by all means throw one back.

How to Be a Guest at a Party

Bring something! Always bring something! (Unless it’s a keg party. That is the only exception to the rule. The keg is all the party needs, and the keg will already be in attendance.) A bottle of wine is always welcome (or sparkling cider, if your friends are 13-year-old girls), or a nice wedge of cheese (or fake cheese, if your friends are mannequins). A six-pack (or more!) is completely acceptable. If you’re close with the hosts and/or it’s a small affair, call ahead and ask if there’s anything they need. (Note: If you’re a host and
you receive such a phone call, KEEP IT REASONABLE—no “Oh, could you just pick up some kimchi, eight small frozen chickens, and a jar of silver dragées?”)

Most importantly, be gracious. If you go over to someone’s house and they offer you a drink,
take it
. Don’t poop all over their hospitality by being like, “Oh, no, thank you, I COULDN’T,” over and over again, like that’s some sort of altruistic gesture. Like you’re the Gandhi of not-making-people-get-you-a-gin-and-tonic. These people are hosting you. Let them host. Don’t make them beg. That said, don’t get too drunk. Don’t become the Gandhi of slurring “the proof is in the pudding” while groping for Melissa’s pudding (vagina). Don’t do that. Nobody wants that.

Smile! Chat (see
How to Have a Conversation
)! Talk to people you don’t know. If you know the hosts well, offer to stay and help clean up (they’ll probably say no, and you’ll look good just for asking). Otherwise, leave before it starts to get weird. Don’t be the last one there unless the host(s) have very specifically asked you to stay to help clean up or have sex.

How to Host a Party

First, resign yourself to spending some money on your party. No, wait: CELEBRATE SPENDING SOME MONEY ON YOUR PARTY! YOUR PARTY’S GOING TO BE FACTUALLY THE BEST PARTY EVER! In order to have the best party ever, you will need bounty—bountiful snacks (they can be simple, just:
BOUNTY!), bountiful drinks, some napkins. You could deploy decorations, but why bother when you know the second secret to the best party ever, which is GOOD LIGHTING!? Good lighting is dim and makes people look like they should be kissed immediately. No one’s going to be doing surgery at this party (um, right?)—kill the overheads. Get some candles (not scented—too stinky). Now, to populate your party universe: Invite humans! Invite those you really like—people who are capable of having conversations, people who are capable of drinking, people with mouths. Invite people from different parts of your life; they will enjoy to meet each other. Invite a few randoms, too—people you don’t know especially well but who you’ve noticed have excellent shoes or a funny laugh or whatever. If these people ask whether they can bring anything, the only truly polite answer is “Oh, no! Of course not! Just come! Bring a friend!” If they are a truly polite person and/or have read this book, they will know to never, ever show up without bringing something.