How The Cookie Crumbles (52 page)

“Actually, there’s not. Luke and I ate it.” I told her. “Plus, it’s pretty late, and you have to work tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Frankie said sarcastically. “I think I’m a big girl now, and I can go to bed when I want to.” Then she blushed since that sounded kind of suggestive.

Bear looked warily between the both of us. “Uh, I think I’ll just take off now. I had fun, Frankie, and I’ll call you later.”

He turned and walked away, and I closed the door.

Frankie was halfway across the room, before she turned around and said, “Jake, what’s your problem?”

“My problem, Frankie, is it’s almost… “ I checked my cell, “eleven-thirty.” I came closer, so we weren’t yelling at each other.

“Oooooh, so late. You’re the one who’s out every night. And weren’t you the guy riding me because I stay home too much?”

“No, you overreacted when I made a comment.” She was so emotional at times.

“You’re nuts!” She shook her head and tried to walk by me, but I stood in her way. Frankie looked up at me, and stuck out her chin. For some reason, I felt like kissing her, but the moment passed when Frankie spoke angrily. “Plus, this date was all your idea!”

“My idea? How was this my idea?”

“When Chris asked me out, I said that it would be too weird because I had dated you, and you guys were teammates. And he told me he asked you, and you said it was fine with you! You’re the one who wants me to go out so you don’t have to feel guilty.”

“Guilty? What would I feel guilty about?”

“It’s so you can keep bringing girls home and banging them when you know how much it hurts me!”

“Why would it hurt you?”

“Because I’m in love with you!”

Frankie clapped her hand over her mouth. She looked totally upset, and then she ran into her room and slammed the door shut.

I stood there for a long minute, stunned.

Domer’s bedroom door opened, and he poked his head out, half awake.

“Everything okay out here?”

“Yeah fine, sorry about the noise,” I told him, and he retreated back into his room.

I went over and tapped on Frankie’s door.

“Frankie, you okay?”

Her voice was muffled, “Fine, leave me alone.”

I tried the door, but she had locked it. “Let me in, Frankie, we need to talk.”

“Fuck off, there’s nothing to talk about.” Frankie didn’t swear often, so I knew she was really upset.

“C’mon, let me in.”

There was only a little muffled noise. Was Frankie crying? Man, now I felt really bad.

“Frankie please, we’re keeping Domer awake.”

I heard her get up and walk to the door, but she didn’t open it. She just spoke to me quietly from the other side.

“Look Jake, just forget what I said. It’s not true, and I don’t know why it came out. I was just… I don’t know… upset. We’re cool, and you don’t need to worry about me.” There was a long pause. “You can date whoever you want and sleep with whoever you want.” Then I heard her take a deep breath, and I heard her footsteps walking away.

I stood outside her door for a long time, with my forehead leaned against it. Was she really in love with me? She never showed it. And how did I feel about her?

62. Every Time You Go Away

“Because I’m in love with you!”

Oh God, had I just said that? How humiliating and embarrassing. I rushed into my room, and made sure I locked the door in case Mr. No-sense-of-personal-boundaries waltzed right in.

I lay face down on the bed. Really, I had tried so hard to be just friends with Jake, but it had turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. For me, home was always a refuge, but here home was filled with Jake, all Jake’s friends, and sometimes Jake’s women. When Anne had been trying to warn me off Jake, she had told me way too much about what a player he was, like when he did two girls on his birthday. Plus he dated someone like BV who was hot, but who never seemed to appreciate what a great guy he was.

I got that he was young and looking for fun, so he wanted to party with all these girls. And I got that he didn’t want to get into a relationship right now. I guess I had just hoped that there was a chance, a tiny chance for us. I mean, I wasn’t super hot or a sex goddess or anything. But I was nice and caring and cute, and he had seemed to really like me in the summer.

Most of all, I liked being with him; he could be so sweet and funny. Even though we weren’t going out, he kept doing nice things like rescuing me and giving me the car. And when he acted like a total jerk, I could see that he had a lot of insecurity underneath it all, and that’s what touched me. That he was vulnerable and nobody else seemed to realize that. Living with him reminded me of how much fun we had together, and then I wanted more. But he didn’t. So I tried hard to get over him, by going out with all these great guys, but I couldn’t seem to move beyond Jake. It was stupid to come here and stupid to stay. I didn’t want to cry, but a few tears squeezed out of the corners of my eyes.

Then I heard Jake tapping on my door, and his voice was low and gentle, “Frankie, you okay?”

Man, I could not deal with him right now; I was feeling too vulnerable and emotionally out of control. I lifted my head up and told him I was fine.

He tried to come in and insisted that we needed to talk. I started to panic. I did not want to talk to him and risk saying something else humiliating. But after confessing I loved him, what could be worse? What would make him leave? I spoke as harshly as I could, just to show him how little I really cared.

“Fuck off, there’s nothing to talk about.”

But he kept insisting, and I wanted him to go away before I did something else I would regret. I walked over to the door; Jake was on the other side and I wanted so much to open it and feel his arms around me, his body all solid and comforting. But would that even happen? And if it did, it would only be because he felt sorry for me and not because he cared about me.

I leaned my head against the door, and put my palm against it as well, as if I could touch him through the cool wood surface. And then I started to lie.

“Look Jake, just forget what I said. It’s not true, and I don’t know why it came out. I was just… I don’t know… upset. We’re cool, and you don’t need to worry about me.”

Did he believe me? He had to believe me, because I didn’t want his pity. I needed to hold on to a little remnant of pride.

“You can date whoever you want and sleep with whoever you want.”

He didn’t say a word. Was he even there? I walked back to my bed and lay down quietly on it.

He could sleep with whoever he wanted, but one thing was for sure: I didn’t need to torture myself by listening to it anymore. I needed to get out of this place and fast.

Jake

“Way to go, asshole.” Domer said to me when I got home from the dentist.

“What?” I mumbled, my gums were half-unfrozen and starting to hurt.

“Frankie’s leaving. She’s all packed up and she’s going to stay at some friend’s place for the rest of her internship.” Domer shook his head, “Having Frankie here was the sweetest deal going, and you had to go and wreck it.”

“Wreck it? How did I wreck it?”

“Pretty sure I heard her tell you she was in love with you last night.”

“So? She also said it wasn’t true.”

“Yeah, any moron could tell she’s nuts about you: the way she looks at you, the stuff she does for you, the way she acted around Aspen. Even the cooking, if you say you like something, it appears on the menu all the time, and she also made all this low-fat stuff. It’s not like I need low-fat anything.” He patted his flat stomach.

“Well, what was I supposed to do last night? She locked her door and wouldn’t talk to me.”

“I don’t know Jakester, break down the door and take her in your arms and be all romantic? Because it’s also clear that you’re nuts about her.”

“I am?”

“Am I the only one who gets anything around here? I was waiting for you guys to figure it out yourselves, but I guess I’m going to have to play matchmaker here. You’re both into each other, just admit it, get her to unpack and then my stomach and I can be happy again.” He crossed his arms and glared at me.

I walked into her room. Her many suitcases were stacked neatly by the door. Frankie was wiping off the desk and she looked up at me, her brown hair falling around her face. She looked tired, there were dark smudges under her eyes. She turned away and smoothed out imaginary wrinkles in the bedspread.

“Did Luke tell you? I’ve decided that it would be better if I didn’t keep on living here, and I’m going to stay with Sofia for the rest of my time in L.A.”

“Why can’t you stay here?”

She kept her back turned to me. “Oh Jake, we’ve got a little history, and to be honest, it’s kind of awkward. Plus, you’re two single guys and having a boring girl around cramps your style.”

“You’re not a boring girl. And I… we really want you to stay.”

“We?”

“Yeah, me and Domer.”

She turned and looked at me coldly. “Oh. I get it.” She grabbed her giant purse and put it over her shoulder. “You’ve got the money, Jake, you can hire a fulltime maid. Maybe she’ll be a hot blonde and you can kill two birds with one stone.”

She blew by me, and then turned at the door.

“I get that we’re not on the same page, but at least I was willing to try. You’re so tough on the ice, but you’re too scared to be honest with me, or even yourself.”

“Stop, Frankie. I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you since we got back.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“What about what you said to me last night?”

She kept walking away, but over her shoulder she replied, “I didn’t mean it when I told you that. I was tired, and it was something I blurted out. I’m not in love with you.”

“Say that to my face. Look in my eyes and say it.”

She turned and looked at me. Then she walked back and looked right into my eyes. “I. Don’t. Love. You. Get it?”

Well that hurt, but Domer said she did. She was acting so weird that I didn’t know what to say anymore. I just grabbed her by the arms and kissed her. She stayed straight and stiff in my arms, and I kept kissing her and holding her tightly until I felt her resistance melt and she started kissing me back. She put her arms around my neck, and her lips opened up and I felt her hot breath in my mouth. It felt so good to hold her again, to taste her. I stopped kissing her so I could suggest we take it to my room, but then her eyes flew open. Frankie looked almost scared, and she pushed me away. She wiped off my kiss with the back of her hand, turned, and grabbed a suitcase.

“Why are you still going?” I asked her.

“Did you think you could just kiss me and everything would be all better?” She shook her head, and looked up at me defiantly.

I pulled her close and grinned at her. “No, I thought I’d take you to my room, we’d have incredible sex, and then everything would be all better.”

“Get real.” Frankie was unsmiling. “Why would I want to join the parade of women who have been there before? Not to mention the gross factor, who knows what the STD meter is registering on your sheets alone.”

“Oh c’mon Frankie, I always play safe. And it’s different between us.” I tried to pull her in tight to me, but she wasn’t budging.

“No, Jake, I’m not into ‘free love’ or whatever convenient excuse for sluttiness Aspen was espousing. And it is different between us, I actually care about you, unlike the women you usually screw. But I care about myself more. I’m not willing to go back there and get hurt again.”

“Why would you get hurt? I don’t want to hurt you!”

She looked intently into my eyes as if the real answer lay there. Then she spoke softly, “I know you never mean to hurt me, but you do. We’re in different places… maybe we always will be.”

I knew what she wanted, but I still wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted. I knew I didn’t want to be pushed into anything though. So I let her leave.

63. Try

“Frankie!” Bianca’s excited voice on the phone was so familiar, it made me homesick, and tears welled up in my eyes. “I’m coming to L.A. this weekend!”

“What? What’s going on?” Bianca travelled a lot, but usually to Hong Kong to visit family and do her bargain shopping.

“It’s a Canucks fan road trip! My dad is going, and originally he was going with my uncle, but he had to cancel. So since I’m the biggest hockey fan in the family, I get to go! We’re going to the game in L.A. on Saturday and Anaheim on Sunday.” She sounded over-the-top excited.

“Great, when can I get to see you?” I sniffed.

“Frankie, are you crying?”

“I’m just so happy to hear from you,” I sniffled some more, “and homesick.” Argh, lately all my emotions were so close to the surface. At work I had to pretend that I was so moved by piece of 17th century Chinese pottery that I was tearing up. Who cries about a dish?

“Oh. Well, we can definitely meet for dinner after the game, we’re staying at the JW Marriot at L.A. Live, so anyplace around there would be good. Would you like to come to the game with us? Or do you already go to all the games?”

“I don’t go to any games,” I said, and wondered if should explain that I wasn’t living with Jake anymore. It was probably something better done in person.