How Not to Date an Alien (2 page)

“You don’t taste right.”

“You are correct, sir!” She leapt on that opening with both feet and hands, all twenty fingers and toes, and a set of recently polished teeth. “Humans are tough and gamey and not very good. We taste terrible.”

“No.” He pulled back and examined her bindings. “That is not totally correct.

Humans are reported to be very delicious, but only under the correct conditions.”

“Correct… conditions?” Was she going to be tortured for days before he finally gave in to his hunger for a bloody, gory feast?

“Yes. You need fattening up.”

Well, that was a first. She needed fattening up? Kilana thought of all the diets she had tried, all the grapefruit she had pinched her nose to suck down, all the bread she’d avoided upon the pain of love handles and excess body fat, and snorted. Finally she met a man who thought she needed a few more pounds, and he wanted to have her with mint jelly.

“And you need a better diet. No more high fructose corn syrup,” he decided.

“Only the best fresh fruits and vegetables and the best cuts of meat from here on out.”

“Huh?”

“You humans do so many things to your bodies. There are chemicals in your food. You put chemicals in your hair.” He ran his fingers through her relaxed hair and shook his head. “Tattoos and piercings, and perfumes and —” He broke off and nodded his head almost sadly. “We have to get you in shape for the feasting.” He shook his head again, which she belatedly recalled meant yes. “And we have to get you properly pleasured.”

“Pleasured?”

“Yes. The taste of orgasm and external pleasure greatly enhances your flavor.

You need to be fed and fattened and pleasured until you are ready for tasting.”

Well, maybe this wasn’t such a bad way to go after all.

“You don’t have to,” she tried to explain, shaking away any stray thoughts that involved wallowing here and letting him have his way. Any other time, this plan would sound really good. But, no — when faced with being the main course on the dinner tray, this plan sounded rather bizarre.

“I insist,” he disagreed. “Not only for my benefit, but the pleasure will enhance your relaxation and in conjunction with a proper diet will make you more tender.”

“Tender, right. So why am I tied up?”

“To prevent you from moving too much. You really need to relax and hold onto some calories.” He ran his hand over her, and she belatedly realized that she was dressed in only her comfortable granny panties and a t-shirt. “I already removed the poisons from your body from your night out, and now you need to rest and recover. I want you to feel comfortable around me.”

“I would feel more comfortable if you let me go,” she wheedled.

“No.” He leaned over and tested the strength of the — silk scarves? Really? She had silk scarves?

“Then stop smiling at me!”

“I am just showing you my desire to consume you.” He pouted a bit. It made his full bottom lip poof out all cute and plump. “I thought you would feel flattered by my obvious desire for you.”

Obvious, my left butt cheek, she thought, looking down at his impressive but still flaccid cock. “I would feel more flattered if you put some clothing on.”

Maybe his feasting on her wouldn’t be so bad, she decided as she watched him shift his weight from one side to the other, the muscles in his body straining oh, so perfectly. At least she had something hot to look at.

But, with a sigh, he rose to his feet and walked over to the open door of her closet, the most perfect ass she had ever seen partially hidden behind his braid. He shot a look at her over one broad shoulder before he began to rifle though her clothes.

“Humans and your desire for garments,” he grumbled, tossing clothes this way and that. Finally he pulled out a pair of dark track pants. He held them up to his waist and eyed her again before he bent over and pulled them up thick muscular legs and tied them so that they hung low over the cuts at his hips.

He had no navel, yet, despite that oddity, the man had a body to die for, she thought as she lifted her head to get a good look. Though he was a bit paler than she was used to, paler than any human being she had ever seen, that ass was just damn near perfect, even in tightly stretched track pants.

She bit her bottom lip as he moved. Each and every muscle bulged and strained as he rose and wiggled his hips. Getting his junk settled, she decided. He tossed his long tail of hair over his shoulder, wrinkled his nose, and moved toward her again on silent, bare feet.

As far as aliens went, he was much better looking than the green and gray almond-eyed monsters that most alien abductees described. And he was majorly better than the two-mouthed acid-spitting horrors the movies had made so popular. He was almost human in most respects.

If only he wasn’t bent on consuming her flesh…

“Is this appropriate?” he asked, turning around and giving her a glimpse of a package that would make a Chippendale green with envy and most male porn stars blush.

“Um, yeah.” She eyed the shifting bulge at his crotch. “So.” She was forced to stop and clear her throat. “You are going to eat me?”

“Yes.” He absently reached down and adjusted the thick lump of pure alien cock.

Damn, the man was fine.

“And I have no say in the matter?”

“That is correct.”

“Hmm.” She thought for a moment. “Can I get a final request?”

“You may ask. I make no promises on delivering.”

“How about a last good fuck before I go?”

He opened his mouth to answer, but before he could offer her any words there came a great knocking at her front door.

“Always interrupted,” he muttered as he turned to make his way toward the sound.

She didn’t know whether to be pissed off, relieved or downright frightened for the public at large. He was nice to her, but he might be carrying weapons or have death-ray eyes or something! “Wait!” she called, tugging at her bindings and getting nowhere fast. “Where are you going?”

“To answer your door. I believe that is your human custom, is it not?”

Who would come over at this ungodly hour and start banging on her door like the narcs, anyway? Maybe she should let the alien get them. But then she could only think of two people who even knew where she lived now.

Damn. Only Se and Lena would come banging on her door like that. And she didn’t want them anywhere near that alien. He was dangerous! She groaned and closed her eyes, praying for mercy. “Don’t melt them or fry their brains or anything! It’s probably just my friends!”

“I will behave accordingly,” he promised as the knocking started again, but louder.

“You will not harm them?” she asked again, feeling her fear rise up, watching him as he frowned.

“No. I will not even smile at them. Would this give you pleasure?”

“Letting me go would —”

He was nodding his head this time, and she guessed that meant no.

“I don’t even know your name.”

Then there was a metallic scrape as a key was inserted into a lock. Se and Lena were coming in, no matter what.

“You may call me Valan,” he offered as the door swung open and her two best friends in the word exploded onto the scene.

“Kil!” Se called out. “Where are you? We just came in to make sure you didn’t pull a Jimmy Hendrix on us and choke — on — your —” she trailed off as she walked into the bedroom and froze.

Well, if Kilana had walked into her friend’s room and saw her tied to the bed, it would have given her pause, too. It was not a usual occurrence.

Kilana waited for her friend to start screaming unholy murder, and she didn’t have long to wait. But she was screaming the wrong damn thing.

“Lena!” Se bellowed. “Quick! Bring the camera! Kilana’s getting laid!”

If you cannot prevent yourself from socializing with an alien, it is important to let your friends become acquainted with it. After all, your friends and family will be your biggest support group when differences arise from your cross-species dating.

And if a good time goes bad, your friends may be the ones to save you from disaster .

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“Well, hello, hello,” Lena purred as she strolled into bedroom where the dark-haired Se was still squealing excitedly. “You picked a good one.”

“He’s going to eat me,” Kilana pointed out, and both women began to clap.

“Getting good oral is so hard.” Lena turned to face Valan. “You know what you’re doing, yes?” She lifted her cell and snapped a photo of him.

“Of course,” Valan replied, not even cracking a smile.

“Show me what you’re working with,” Lena demanded.

He arched an eyebrow.

“Show me your equipment,” Lena reiterated, pointing to her mouth.

“Lena!” Kilana gasped, but then groaned as Valan stuck out his forked tongue and waved both forks at her.

“God, I envy you,” Lena sighed, turning and making for the door.

“‘He’s an alien.” Kilana’s eyes were wide as she stared at her friends. Couldn’t they see the unnatural skin tone, the fangs in his mouth, the odd, long braid of hair…

the stupid antennas?

“Oh! German? Sprechen sie Deutsch?” Se asked, blinking prettily. “He looks German. You look German,” she said to Valan, who grinned softly. “And don’t call him an alien! You’ll give him a complex. The proper term is foreign visitor.”

“Hello? Didn’t you see his fangs?”

Helpfully, Valan exposed his teeth before closing his black lips.

“Oh.” Se moved past Valan, grinning at him, before she bent down to whisper in Kilana’s ear, “Germans are into that kinky body modification thing. I read it in Cosmo.”

Then she blinked, looking off into space. “I think it was Cosmo. It may have been in Leather Lash Monthly.”

“Really?” Kilana drawled. What was wrong with her friends?

“Do you have anything else —” Lena had halted at the words “body modification” and now eagerly turned back to Valan. “— modified? Like below the belt?” She was almost drooling in anticipation.

Without a word, he lowered his sweatpants and let his solid black glory hang free.

“Holy God!” Lena gasped, one hand pressed to her ample bosom. “Didn’t that hurt? Not that I’m complaining about the additions.” She waved one hand rapidly in front of her face. “But that looks like it would be painful.”

“No,” he allowed, nodding slowly before he caught himself and shook his head.

“I don’t like pain.”

“Oh, you sweet thing,” she said.

“But I am made to deliver the optimum pleasure to my partner,” he added helpfully, tossing a sultry look at Kilana.

“Oh, God, with those contacts and those uh-hum —” Lena cleared her throat. “—

extras. If you ever get tired of Kil, come and see me.”

“Lena!” Kilana wailed in protest.

“But she is delicious.” He licked his lips, each fork going to a lip and lapping it sensually. “I like how she tastes.”

“Time to go, Se!” Lena reached out and grabbed Se by the arm. “We’ll talk to you next week!”

“He’s an alien!” Kilana called, still more shocked and amazed that her friends found nothing wrong with a black-ringed dick. Hello! The man had antennas! “He has me tied to the bed!”

“Germans are kinky like that.” Se giggled. “Use a condom! Every time you have kinky sex with a German man you have kinky sex with every person he’s ever sexed up!”

“And I may have to go and visit Germany!” Lena shouted back over Se’s giggles as they made for the door. “Call us — with details!”

“Hello!” she called out. “He’s going to eat me!”

“Which is why we’re leaving now!” The slamming of the door punctuated Lena’s last words.

And then Kilana was alone with the hungry alien menace once again.

“Well?” she asked, shaking her head at her friends and their abrupt exit. They hadn’t even asked him for ID! She was tied up, and all they could do was take photos with their phones!

“Well, I don’t detect fear.” He smiled slowly, exposing all his teeth.

“No,” Kilana agreed. “What you are now picking up would be outright frustration and disbelief! They just left me tied up to the bed with a virtual stranger!

They didn’t even question it! My friends are idiots.”

“Humans tend to see what they expect to see.” He spoke kindly to her. “Your friends just need to do a little work on their observational skills.”

“A lot of work,” she snorted.

“And now I think it is time for me to work on your pleasure.”

Alien pleasure, Kilana whimpered softly to herself, could mean almost anything.

She braced herself for impact.

If push comes to shove, you would do well to give the alien exactly what he desires. It may open up an opportunity to escape at a later time. Never feel guilty about giving in if it buys you some time.

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His hair exploded from his braid, and like a living thing it began to rub and caress at her body. She stared in wide-eyed amazement as the alien loomed over her, his mouth spread in a wide grin. She slammed her eyes closed, not wanting to see her death coming, but instead he began to whisper to her.

“This will not hurt,” he assured her as he moved closer. She could feel his heat, feel his presence, and that only seemed to frighten her more. “None of that,” he whispered, and she squeezed her eyes shut as she felt a finger touch her cheek.

He could be checking the tenderness of her flesh, a cynical part of her screamed, but he did nothing more.

She very carefully opened her eyes to see his solid black ones staring into hers.

He smiled a little, and she whimpered as she felt his hair began to move. The silken tendrils carried his heat and his scent as they began to slowly trace the muscles of her body from neck to toe.

“You feel divine.” He bent forward and sniffed at her, his antennas shooting straight up. His breath smelled of lemons, and she wondered if that would be the last thing she smelled before her life was snuffed out.

But he was correct; he was not harming her in any way. In fact, the caresses of his hair were quite pleasant. It almost hurt her to admit that to herself, but she was deriving more pleasure from the caresses of his hair than she had from her last full sexual encounter with her ex.