Hot Tea (27 page)

I blurted, “Mom, gotta go, I think something just fell on Teagan.”

I hung up without allowing another word to come from her mouth.  Or mine. 

It is rare that I am speechless.  Noting that problem when she came in the room, Teagan was intrigued.

“Cara, what happened?  Is everything all right?  Looks like that conversation didn’t go well.”  She started to chuckle.  “Are you ok?  You don’t look so good.”

“I think I just had a little tiny stroke.”

“What?”

“Mom asked about the books.  She wants every single book in the house.”

“Oh, oh.”

“Oh, it gets worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“She knew about the erotica.  She also informed me that you and I should take a look at it, since Bernie is the author of some of it.”

She shrieked, “What?”

“That’s what Mom said.  And it gets worse.”

“What could be worse than finding out that not only is a 412-year-old woman behind words that could very well have been yours or my entertainment for an evening…”

I interrupted, “What makes you think I’ve ever read anything like that?”

“Oh, give me a break.”

“Fine, I’m not even going to argue the point, but it does get worse.”

Teagan gave me a look of non-belief. 

I continued, “I can tell you it was worse since it is seared into my brain.  Teagan, your mother said, and I pretty much quote, ‘Cara, you can not possibly believe that what a woman presents to the rest of the world, and what she chooses to present in an intimate relationship are one in the same.  Do you really think I believe you and Teagan are going to be wearing white on your wedding day for the right reason?’”

Teagan’s eyes got as huge as dinner plates.  “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this isn’t good.”

“Oh, wait, it gets worse.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Teagan, I swear to you, the woman that is your mother went on to say  ‘Just what do you think has kept your father interested and smiling all these years?  A happy and healthy, even an adventurous sex life, is an important part of any woman’s life.’” 

Teagan looked stunned. 

I spoke softly, “Mom said that.  To me.  On the phone.  Just now.  Which means she is going to be talking to us about it soon.  In person.”

Teagan whispered, “San Diego.”

“What?”

“San Diego, California.  Jessie was telling me about it.  He’s been there several times.  Working near by, he stays right on the beach somewhere near San Diego.  A little hotel just across the street from the ocean.  He stays on the third floor.  You can see the waves crashing.  Seagulls fly all around.  They poop on your stuff if you leave it on the balcony.  Pigeons help.”

“Ok, I’m lost.”

“I think that’s where I’ll move.  I’d rather move than talk to Mom about erotica and my sex life.”

“Hold on, you’re the one that was talking about telling her to butt out.  You told me that just a little while ago.  You’re the one that put the whole thing out there in the cosmos to have to be dealt with, so that Mom would pick up on it, and force the issue, and now you’re just going to run away and leave it for me to deal with?”

“That’s what I’m sayin’.”

All I could do was shake my head, “You know, for such an amazingly functional family, we’re pretty damned dysfunctional.”

“No family is functional Cara.  It’s an impossible standard.  One born of some little pseudo-psychological-know-it-all that saw a great marketing opportunity.  If your family is dysfunctional, come pay me money, or buy my book, and I’ll fix it.  Since there isn’t a functional family on the planet, unlimited income for all service providers for the rest of time.”

“That’s brilliant!  Did you just think of that?”

“Yep!  Scary thing is, it feels like there’s a tiny bit of truth in it.  Doesn’t it seem like in our society there are a lot of people that are patients and on serious meds, when all they really need is a hug, some tradition, and some family?  Maybe some boundaries?”

“Oh, great, us talking about boundaries.  If that isn’t utter hypocrisy I’m not sure what is.  You’re talking about moving to another state to avoid talking to Mom.”

“That’s why the cobbler’s daughter never had shoes and the psychic doesn’t win the lottery.”

“Agreed, it’s much easier to face someone else’s challenges than your own.”

“So, isn’t the best plan for me to go home and pack now?”

“No!  Teagan, just relax.  We’ll go through some more stuff, get at least one room done a day.  We’ll pack up the books, not bother to inventory them, since they’re going to Mom anyway.  If Mom asks about the books, we’ll tell her they’re already packed, and because they’re heavy, they are at the bottom of the stack.  Once we get the whole house done, if we can’t think of a plan to avoid all this, then I’ll help you pack and you can help me.”

“Deal.”

We went to a warehouse store and bought as many boxes as we could fit in our cars.  We decided to stop for caloric reinforcements and drove through a burger place, but only for a large fries and drink so that we could convince ourselves we were being healthy.  French fries are made from potatoes. We were eating our veggies.  If you stop and really think about it logically, soda is mostly water, so we ate veggies and drank mostly water.  Rather virtuous when you take a look at it. 

We had them completely snarfed before we got back to Bernie’s.

When we got there we packed up the books. Half flipping through the interesting ones, but not willing to actually read erotica in the same house as a sibling.  There is just so much wrong, on so many levels, with that kind of thing.  If that makes me a prude, I’m good with that.

We moved to the kitchen and used old newspapers and paper towels to wrap up some of Bernie’s dishes.  We packed them carefully.  Some of the dishes would probably go back to her family in Ireland.  That done, all the boxes numbered with the contents noted; Teagan and I called it a day.

Teagan offered me dinner at that little pizza place on Beverley, but I claimed ankle pain and begged off. 

One of the secrets of having great familial relationships is knowing not to OD on each other.  Besides, I was pretty sure that AJ would be home, and no offense to Teagan, but having my druthers, and if I played my cards right, AJ would be much more scintillating company.

SEVENTEEN

When I walked in the door, I was blessed to see a rather nice butt poking out from the kitchen.  Seems AJ was rummaging in the fridge.  Unfortunately, he heard me come in, and stood up.  No more butt connoisseuring for me.

“Hi.”

“Hi!”

“I was lied to.  Suzi said that at all times your fridge was full of every kind of, as she put it, earthly delight.  To date, I’ve found cookies, soda, left over fast food, and something in that plastic container that could be anything from baking soda to cocaine.”

“Cocaine?  Really?”

“It’s a white powdered substance.”

I argued, “So is baby powder.”

“Why would you keep baby powder in your fridge?”

“I’m more likely to have cold baby powder in my fridge than I am to have cold cocaine.  I’m not sure what that says about me, but I’m good with it.”

He smiled, “It says you are more interested in the comfort of small children than you are in illegal drugs.”

Or that I do my own bikini waxes, but I wasn’t ready to share that information, instead I simply agreed, “Yep, what you said.”

He gave me one of his brilliant smiles. 

Melt!

I tried to sound casual, “So how’d we get on this whole drug and diaper thing?”

“You don’t have any food in the house.”

“I have lots of food, it just isn’t in the fridge.  Tell you what.  If you give me an hour, I can have something on the table.  Nothing fancy, but pretty good.”

“Cara, I wasn’t asking you to cook for me.  I’d be more than happy to take you out, or you can point me in the right direction and I’ll prepare something for you, or I can run over to the grocery store.”

I smiled, a little chuckle escaped.

He looked rather confused.  “What?”

“You would have just won major Brownie points with Mom.  Mom always corrects us when we say that we are going to make dinner.  She says that God already made it, all we have to do is prepare what He has made.”

He looked a little confused, but carried on without missing a beat, “Speaking of your mom, she called just before you walked in.  She said that you and Teagan don’t have to go by Bernie’s tomorrow.  Something about the police going over Bernie’s garage again.  Something didn’t add up when they got the coroner’s report, and since the garage hasn’t been touched, they’re going to go look around.  I’m not sure of the facts, you should probably talk to her.”

I’d lost him right after he said Mom called.  More than slightly panicked I blurted, “You talked to my mom?”

“No, I heard the answering machine.  I can’t believe you still use one, or for that matter, that you still have a landline.  If you have a cell phone, why do you need a landline?”