Hot Laps (43 page)

He dropped his chin in defeat. “But you usually like that.”

“You know, I like it when a man talks to me like a prostitute but not when there’s
a baby about to come out of my vagina. That’s when it gets trashy.”

The doctor laughed, no doubt amused by the two idiots about to be parents.

“Stop talking to me,” I said to Casten who was now in the bed with me whispering in
my ear as I laid my back against his chest.

“Be as aggressive as a trophy dash,” he said, kissing my shoulder.

“Will you stop it? I don’t even know what the fuck that means.”

“I’m just trying to help.”

I gestured to my legs spread open on a table and the doctor’s face down south. “You’ve
done enough.”

He pulled back and looked at me, his eyes focusing. “Relax.”

Casten was very concerned about me throughout all this. I saw it in his anxious stare
and his nervous pacing. Seeing what childbirth was like, I felt he had every right
to be.

The anxiety resurfaced.

There was no reason Casten needed to know what kind of basketcase he was dealing with.
After everything, I had the upper hand here and wanted to keep it that way.

When I pushed for the first time and felt like my vagina was going to be ripped to
shreds, I lost it.

“You better tell me you love me right now!” I yelled, knowing he’d never said those
words to me. I knew him well enough to know Casten didn’t tell people he loved them.
He showed them. Right now, I needed to hear those little words for myself.

“Hayden, I haven’t said it because I’m the type of guy who loves always.” His lips
touched my ear, soft pillows comforting me. “I loved you from the first time we met.
You don’t remember it but we were seven. I remember. You kicked my shin and told me
if I pushed you off the tire swing one more time you’d kick me in the balls.” He smiled
at me, sure of himself and his words, like he always was. “I don’t need a word to
define my feelings. You’ve felt it from the very beginning, haven’t you?”

I should have said it back. I should have told him I loved him right then. I didn’t.

I asked for his mom.

“I need your mom. Go get her.”

Connector – Casten

She looked at me, totally straight-faced. “Go get your mom.”

“No. I’ll comfort you.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

I swallowed. “No …” and then I changed my answer real quick when her hand nearly broke
mine. “Yes!”

She seemed calm by the idea of that so I went with it and walked out of the room to
get my mom.

“Mom, she’s asking for you.”

Mom’s eyes went wide. “Why? I couldn’t even get through the birth of my own kids let
alone this one.”

Dad pushed her toward me. “If it stops this screaming, you better get your ass in
there.”

“That screaming is Tommy, not Hayden.” She glared at me. “Casten, she needs you. Not
me. Buck up and be a man.”

Unbelievable. She refused to go in there and I was forced to deal with it.

When I went back in there, Hayden was crying. “It’s time to push again,” the doctor
said, giving me that look of get your shit together, asshole.

The doctor just looked at me like I was crazy and not fit to be a father. I’m sure
our thoughts were the same.

Her voice was barely a whisper. “Casten, I’m scared.”

I knew then she didn’t need my mom. Mom was right. She needed me.

It’s then that I had to keep myself from wanting to punch this doctor. My throat felt
tight. “You’re doing great,” I said that, but really, she’s not doing that great.
In fact, she looks awful and I meant that in a nice way.

“Just breathe and squeeze my hand if you need to.”

She did. Nearly broke it. Just as she pushed one last time, Tommy came in.

“Oh. My. God.” he said. And then, “Holy shit! That’s disgusting!”

“Tommy!” Hayden and I yelled together, and then it was followed by a shriek from a
pair of tiny lungs.

Hayden and I never knew what we were having. The baby never cooperated during the
ultrasounds and left us guessing.

And now, as my luck would have it, I was holding a little girl with my eyes and cheeks.
Life would never be the same for me. My dad was right.

She’s beautiful. Most parents I suppose think their kids are cute. But mine, she’s
fucking beautiful. Given, she was screaming her head off, covered in something I had
no interest in knowing what it was, and flailing around, but she was mine.

I saw my dad cry once. Okay, a couple times. It takes a lot to make a man cry. I know
this.

But when I saw my little girl, I was nearing that emotional precipice. She’d be the
death of me.

My daughter. I’m totally fucking screwed.

I’ve learned from my parents there are moments in this world that are worth it. They’re
worth shedding tears over and banging your head against the wall for. They’re worth
a complicated mess and an undefined relationship. They’re worth the love that’s there,
felt, and appreciated but never spoken.

Those moments, they could destroy you if you let them. Then there’s another moment,
one that takes your breath away and gives you back your hope. A hope that’s placed
in your arms for you to now share moments with.

As she sat there staring at me, I half expected this little baby to say, “It was a
planned execution.”

Sometimes, in ways you’d never expect, life works out.

Chunking – When a tire shreds pieces of rubber.

My daughter looked like a chicken without feathers and caked in jelly.

I felt myself welling up with tears. I had a daughter. Me. Hayden Harris was a mother
of something and it wasn’t a goldfish. I just hope she didn’t die while I bathed her.

“She looks just like you both,” Sway said, looking at her first granddaughter wrapped
in her pink blanket in Casten’s arms. She was absolutely beautiful despite the squishy
overcooked look she had. The extra two weeks had done her good and she was healthy,
seven pounds nine ounces with a head full of chocolate straight hair waves.

Abigale had been replaced of her cutest kid duties. A new little girl took over Abigale’s
title of being the “cutest kid.”

“One day, I’m going to ask you to marry me,” Casten said, in front of his parents
as he kissed my forehead.

I smiled. “I know.”

“And one day you’re going to say yes.”

The fact that he was talking like this in front of his parents, expressing himself,
divulging his love for me right then and there said a lot.

I nodded again and went on to say, “I hope you never want another kid from me. That
was the worst,” I whispered to Casten when he sat next to me on the bed rubbing my
thigh. “And, it’s definitely not something anyone should do twice. What the fuck is
wrong with Lily?” With how gruesome the whole experience was, if I were Casten, I
would have run out of here and never looked back. “I think I’m going to need a complete
rebuild after this.”

Casten laughed. “It’s a good thing you know an engine builder.”

Jameson rolled his eyes. “Alright,” he kissed my forehead and patted his son on the
shoulder. “Give me my granddaughter. It’s time I held her.”

Carefully with his strong arms, he reached for her holding her close to her chest
bouncing her ever lightly. “She’s pretty.” He winked at me. “Just like her mama.”

Sway was immediately crying. In a family full of little boys, Jameson and her now
had their first little girl grandbaby and you couldn’t wipe the smiles off their faces.

The fact that we named her Gray, after Grays Harbor Raceway was another emotional
moment. Sway’s dad had owned Grays Harbor before they did and Casten wanted to honor
his grandpa and his parents in some way.

That’s when we decided on Gray whether it was a boy or a girl.

When everyone left the room that night and Casten and I were alone with our daughter,
I was a breath away from crying, I knew it. His eyes took me in carefully, watching
my reaction to Gray in my arms.

I once told Casten that arms were my favorite body part. They were. Arms have the
ability to make you feel so much more. They can fight for you, catch you when you
fall, draw someone close and even push them away.

They’re like legs in a way.

But, then again, there’s something legs can’t do and make them my favorite body part.
They bring what’s near and dear to you and hold it close to your heart. Like holding
a baby.

In the arms of the man I held close, was the one thing I never thought would tie the
two of us together. A baby.

There’s always a gray area in a relationship. A part that no one talks about. If you
say there’s not, I think you’re full of shit.

You know why? Because there’s always something you keep to yourself. A part of you
that’s just yours. That gray area.

I have a lot of gray in my life but slowly one person was adding color to my gray
areas and expanding my emotional and mental prism.

Casten.

As you can see, the name Gray had a lot of meaning.

Gently and with a lot more care than I’ve ever seen, Casten set Gray down, with those
strong arms that I had felt so often throughout this.

Other than those first few days after I found out I was pregnant, I’ve never felt
alone. Casten has made that part easy for me.

Once we made eye contact again, Casten placed his hands on either side of my face.
“I fell for you.”

I knew I gave my heart to Casten a while ago. I gave it to him that first night at
the party. I thought he would break my heart. The thing was, for a while, I hadn’t
even realized that I had a heart to give to someone to break.

“I fell first,” I said, speaking from my heart.

It was simple.

He stared at me longer than I would have liked given how horrible I probably looked
right then. “I love you, pretty girl,” he said, cradling my head in his hands and
pressing his lips to my forehead.

There’s something most people don’t see about Casten. Or maybe, they don’t take the
time to notice. He’s always observing. He doesn’t say much in terms of his feelings
but when he does, it’s always so insightful. He may not say much, but there’s always
a lot going on inside his head. When he does speak, when he gives you a look inside
of who he is, he comes across as confident and magical. He speaks his heart.

“I love you, dirty boy.”

Gray squirmed around in her little bed and her daddy was instantly there picking her
up. I had a feeling this would eventually become a problem.

“What do you think she’s trying to tell us?” he asked, watching her array of movements.
For being a newborn, she moved a lot. After all, I carried her around for nine months
and two extra weeks so I knew how active she was

“Probably that she wants to be put up for adoption.”

We both started laughing and that startled her. She let out this scream that would
have you thinking she was being murdered.

I also had a feeling this would be a recurring problem, too. She seemed to have no
problems telling anyone what she thought, even for a few hours old.

When we got back to Mooresville five days later, all cozied up in our camper with
our baby girl, never in my wildest dreams did I think my sister would come see me.
But she did.

It was the first time I’d seen her since she left for college. Tall like me, brown
hair like me, at first glance anyone could tell we were sisters.