Hot Laps (39 page)

I’ve wanted to have sex on that tool box since I started at CST Engines. Never did
I think I would be eight months pregnant while doing so.

What freaked me out wasn’t that he had his helmet on because, holy shit, that was
insanely hot. No words could even describe how hot that actually was.

But … he had a GoPro on and the light was flashing.

“That’s on, isn’t it?”

He nodded but I couldn’t see his eyes once I closed the visor. I’ll admit, it was
like fucking Robo Cop or something.

“Ah, fuck it,” I said, going with it. I just hoped this video never got out and knew
damn well it would.

The hottest part of the whole event?

When he came and his head fell against my shoulder. I couldn’t see his face but the
way his body was tensing around me was the hottest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.

Not so hot part?

Watching said GoPro video later and realizing how fat I actually looked.

When we walked back through the showroom heading to the parking lot, I saw the Monster
Million car Jameson had parked in there and laughed, having never noticed the dent
in the hood.

“What’s that from?”

Casten laughed pulling his sweatshirt on and looking out at the snow in the parking
lot, then back to the car. “It was raining that day and after the race it just poured.
Like hurricane rain and dad was up on the hood celebrating and slipped. That’s where
his ass hit.

I smiled and looked around the rest of the showroom that I don’t think I ever truly
appreciated. Among the sprint cars and stock cars were thousands of memories Jameson
had collected over the years. It was amazing to me how consuming this sport had been
for this family.

I didn’t see this as much with my Uncle Tate. He had a passion for racing but to have
an entire family dedicated to the sport the way the Riley’s were wasn’t anything like
what the Harris family had.

Now that Casten was preparing for the Chili Bowl, I’d taken a lot more interest in
racing. We went to every Outlaw race in September and the first time I saw Casten
race I thought I was going to have a heart attack. He had a very different style from
his rowdy father and even his brother. Where Jameson was all in and made you work
for everything in a race, Axel was more patient and timed his passes.

Casten came on strong in a race and stayed that way, just like Ryder raced, so they
told me. He was never very aggressive unless he needed to be and I’d yet to see that
side of him. So far I’ve watched him race eight times, and all eight times it never
got any easier.

I don’t know how Lily and Sway did it.

“What are those?” I asked pointing to the helmets that lined the wall above the doors.
There were about a hundred helmets up there on hooks.

“That’s my dad’s helmet collection. He collects them from his friends or racers he
admires.” Then he smiled, his hands picking one off the hook and bringing it down
to us. “This was the last helmet Ryder ever wore.” Turning the helmet you could see
the crack down the side where he’d hit that wall.

I knew how much Casten cared for Ryder and how affected he was by his death, still,
but the look on his face right then kind of surprised me. He was close to tears.

“Jack has a collection, too,” he went onto say, putting the helmet back up. “He has
Grandpa Jimi’s last helmet and my dad’s from that night too. He also has Tate’s.”

“From what?”

“His last championship. He has my dad’s from his last win at Homestead, too.”

“Wow,” I laughed, shaking my head as we walked toward the door. “He’s a little helmet
whore.”

When we got into the parking lot the snow had started to fall again. Casten took the
opportunity to draw a dick on the hood of Tommy’s car that he left parked there. I
hated to tell him it wouldn’t be there when Tommy got back home from seeing his parents
in Washington, but I let him do it anyways.

I’ll admit, through this pregnancy I’ve had a lot of doubts. A lot of them. More than
most soon-to-be-mom’s would.

But then there’s moments like this when this full of life boy, so determined to see
the good in any situation and gives me talks like, “Everything will be okay pretty
girl,” and “We’re a team now.”

He’s always quick to remind me that this isn’t on me alone. He’s here, too.

He may be making snowball dicks on the hoods of cars, but he’s here. With me.

I’m starting to feel like I know myself. I’m starting to understand that there’s just
some things in life you have to give up and let go of. There’s also things that just
come naturally. I don’t need a lot to be happy. I don’t think I ever have.

But this, right here, this makes me happy.

I wasn’t sure what to expect with the Riley family at Christmas. I had a feeling it
would be similar to any other experience with them.

I really enjoyed this family but some days I wondered what I was thinking. Every day
it was a new practical joke with them and it got harder to trust anyone. That became
my rule.
Don’t
trust anyone.

As I sat there holding Jacen, Axel and Lily’s newborn baby, the fear got to me. I
had literally no business being a mother. Truthfully, it was then that I understood
how badly I could fuck this up. Look how fragile they are.

Running my fingertips over his soft squishy forehead, I kissed it to see if I felt
anything motherly come out. I recognized this wasn’t my baby and Anna kept telling
me my baby would be different.

“I don’t feel anything,” I cried to Anna next to me. She’d pretty much been adopted
by the Riley family as well. Spencer adored the little ginger and I learned that if
Spencer adored you, that was a good thing because he played the worst jokes on the
ones he didn’t like. His brother Jameson, for instance.

“I told you that you won’t until it’s your own,” Anna said when Lily took Jacen from
me. Probably for the little guy’s own safety.

“Give me that cookie.” I snatched the plate of cookies Tommy had when he walked by.

He wasn’t pleased. “What the hell? You said you weren’t eating any more cookies. Those
are mine.”

“That’s true, Hayden,” Willie said, sitting on my lap, “but you also said that you
feared that Casten wouldn’t find you attractive anymore if you kept gaining weight.
So you should give me the last cookie.”

Casten, who was standing in the kitchen turned to face me in shock. “Did you say that?”

“That’s not what I said!” I bellowed stuffing a cookie in my mouth. “I
said
I wouldn’t find me attractive anymore if I gained anymore weight.”

“I didn’t hear that part,” Willie said.

“Me either,” Tommy added.

After a while, it was just Sway and I on the couch while the rest of the guys drank,
including her. Not participating in drinking anymore, I struggled for a long time
because that was my way to relax. I had to think of ways to relax now that didn’t
involve me getting drunk.

I read a lot of books, surprisingly, and helped Casten with his car. Then I got in
this mode where I cleaned everything. I’d just moved in with Casten into our home
on wheels parked on a piece of property near Tommy. I was fine for a while and then
I just went crazy and cleaned everything. It wasn’t like it needed to be cleaned but
I did it anyways.

I think the biggest adjustment during all of this was not drinking. Sway seemed to
understand me. In turn, we became very close. It was like I finally had a mother that
loved me. I rarely talked to my parent’s these days. They finally accepted the fact
that I was pregnant but my mom didn’t even come to the baby shower Lily and Sway had
for me.

“Was it hard for you not drinking while you were pregnant?” I asked Sway, with my
eyes on her wine. I didn’t care for wine but it looked appealing.

“When I got pregnant with Axel it was when I was a pit lizard—”

“What’s a pit lizard?”

“It’s a girl who follows around a racer looking for dick.”

“So like me?”

“Kinda,” Sway tipped her head back and forth like she was wishy-washy with her answer,
“now follow along.”

“Sorry.”

“Anyway,” she sighed drinking her wine. “I was binge drinking with Jameson every night
and then found out I was pregnant.”

“So Axel wasn’t planned?”

“No.” she frowned. “Not at all.”

“Was Casten?”

“No. None of my kids were planned.”

“I have something to ask you, and I need you to keep it between us.”

Sway smiled over at me. “Uh-huh.”

“When you go into labor—and you have the baby—does your vagina go back down to a normal
size, or does it stay that size forever?”

Tommy walking by laughed. I kicked him in the ass. “Mind your own business.”

Sway wanted to clarify. “So you’re asking if it your vagina resembles a normal vagina
even after it blows up?”

“Yes,” I replied confidently. “That’s what I’m asking.”

“What do you think?”

“Given that so many woman are still married after childbirth, I would say it goes
back down, right?”

“Yes, it does.” Sway could barely keep a straight face. “Could you imagine?”

I sighed staring up at their ceiling. “I just … can’t believe I bleached my asshole
preparing for this whole childbirth shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I mean,
after all, do you think the doctor will be able to see it with my vagina that size?
What if it’s just like one big hole down there and my asshole disappears?”

“What?” She gave me that double take look. You know, the one where someone looks at
you and they’re like, what the fuck?

That one.

I rolled my eyes, annoyed that I had to explain. “I bleached my asshole. If my legs
were going to be spread, I wanted it all,” I shrugged as if this was a perfectly natural
conversation to have with the mother of the son who knocked me up, “nice and presentable.
So I bleached it. The awkward part is that I can’t see it to tell you if it even looks
nice.” I made an attempt to lean forward but that didn’t work so I gave up and laid
there like the beached whale I was. “I can’t even see my feet anymore.”

“I’m not looking at it for you, sorry,” Sway said, frowning. “I can’t do that. I can’t
even look at my own asshole. It freaks me out.”

I leveled her a serious look, one of warning. “Please don’t tell anyone about this.”

“Which part?”

“Don’t give me that shit. You know which part.”

“I once glued diamonds to my crank case,” Sway laughed throwing her arm around me.
“I have
literally
no room to judge.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Casten asked, sitting on his mom’s lap. She pressed
her head to his back cuddling him.

Sway took it upon herself to announce. “Hayden thought your vagina stays the same
size as it was when the baby comes out.”

Casten looked at me and then his mom, frightened. “Does it?”

“What the fuck, Sway?”

“Oh, Hayden,” Sway said, rubbing my head. “Nothing in this family is ever safe.”