Hopeless (22 page)

Concern drew sharp lines between Josh’s dark
eyebrows. “Yeah, of course.” He sat down on the chair beside Jay. “What’s goin’
on? When I stopped by the studio, they said you’d slipped out for a bit. I
gotta admit I was kind of surprised. You’re usually there from sun up ‘til sun
down on openin’ day.”

He cleared his throat. “Today was
different. I had other things on my mind.”

Josh laced his fingers. “Does this have
anything to do with Victoria?”

“How’d you know?”

Josh laughed as he got up and walked to the
mini-bar flanking the outdoor kitchen. He poured a shot of scotch into two
highball glasses before handing one to his son.

Jay hesitated before taking it. “I probably
shouldn’t. I brought the bike tonight.”

“So you’ll spend the night.” Josh grinned.
“Come on, when was the last time you tied one on with your old man?”

Jay eased back in the lounge chair, tipped
his head back, and closed his eyes. “It’s just all comin’ down on me at once,
ya know?” He sighed. “The new studio, tryin’ to grow the business… I thought I
was doin’ okay, but…”

“Then you met Victoria, and everything
changed?”

“Yeah, kind of feels like somebody ripped
the rug out from under me. A few weeks ago, I knew what I wanted, where I was
headed, now… hell, I don’t know which end is up anymore.”

Josh claimed the lounge chair beside him.
“I know what that’s like.”

He opened one eye and tipped his head to
the side. “You do?”

“Sure. Don’t you remember what a mess I was
right around the time me and Lexi got together?”

Jay took a deep swallow of the liquor,
savoring the slow burn on the way down. He’d welcome anything to numb his pain
and confusion, even though he knew it would only be temporary. “It was
different with you guys. You’d known each other a long time. You were friends,
good friends, before you ever thought about takin’ your relationship to the
next level. That’s how relationships are supposed to be, right?”

Josh chuckled. “Who the hell ever said
relationships make sense, son? Sometimes you fall in love with your best
friend, like I did. Other times you never get over your first love, like your
mother and Derek.” He swirled the contents of his glass around. “Then there’s
what happened with you and Victoria. It comes out of nowhere, when you least
expect it and sure as hell don’t want it.”

“Who said I don’t want it?” He’d never
wanted anything more.

Josh smirked. “What makes you think I’m
talkin’ about you, kid?”

“You don’t think Victoria wants to get
serious?”

Josh set his glass down beside his chair
and folded his hands. “I’m pretty good at readin’ people, Jay, and Victoria’s runnin’
scared. I don’t know if it was a bad relationship or—”

“It was cancer. She had cancer, Dad.” Just
saying the word aloud scared the hell out of Jay. He didn’t even want to imagine
that time in Victoria’s life, how difficult it must have been for her to find
the strength to keep fighting, especially when she had to fight the battle all
alone.

“Jesus,” Josh whispered. “I had no idea.”

“Neither did I… until today.”

“She told you?”

He wished he could say she trusted him
enough to confide in him, but she hadn’t, and that hurt more than anything.
“No, her friend told me. Victoria didn’t want me to know.”

Josh got up to retrieve the bottle of
scotch and poured another splash in his son’s glass. “Why?”

“I wish I knew.” He feared he did know, but
he was not willing to admit to his father or himself that Victoria was
determined to shut him out of her life because she couldn’t bear the thought of
letting anyone get too close.

“She’s a fighter, a survivor,” Josh said,
quietly.

“You have no idea.”

“What? There’s more?”

“Her mother abandoned her when she was a
baby. No family, no roots… she grew up in the system.” He looked at his dad.
“Would you believe she’s never even celebrated her birthday ‘cause she has no
idea when it is?” Just the knowledge that someone as amazing as Victoria could
grow up without a soul to love her reminded Jay there was no justice in this
world.

Josh covered his face with his hands. “Oh
man, that’s brutal. Jay, someone who’s been through all she has is bound to
have serious trust issues.”

“I know.” He would be willing to wait as
long as it took, tear down any obstacle she put in his path, if only she would
give him an opening. “There’s more, Dad.”

“God, how much more can there be?”

“She can’t have children. She had stage
three ovarian cancer and—”

“Wow, when I said she was a survivor, I had
no idea…”

“She’s incredible. I’ve never met anyone
like her.”

“Son, you can’t save her from herself or
try and rescue her. Victoria’s been takin’ care of herself forever; she doesn’t
know any other way.”

Jay would love to show her another way, to
help her believe it was okay to lean on him, to trust he would be there to pick
her up when she fell or when life knocked her down. “I love her. I know it
sounds crazy. I keep tellin’ myself it’s too soon, but I don’t know any other
way to describe what I’m feelin’.”

“You’re not some teenager; you’re thirty
years old, Jay. You’ve been around the block a time or two. If you tell me you
love this girl, I believe you.”

“Question is, what the hell am I gonna do
about it?”

“You’re right, that is the question.”

Jay downed another shot and felt a measure
of relief when he relaxed into the chair and fatigue started to seep into his
bones. Maybe if he could surrender to sleep, he’d wake up with a different
perspective on the situation. “What would you do if you were me?”

“Lexi had her own issues when we met. The
bottom line is I loved her, and I was determined to fight for her. It wasn’t
easy, but I’m grateful I stuck it out. It made me appreciate what we have all
the more.”

His dad was right. Jay wasn’t a quitter
either; he was a fighter, just like his old man... just like Victoria. No
matter how determined she was to push him away, he would just have to prove to
her he wasn’t going to give up.

Victoria walked into the shelter mere hours
after she left the hospital feeling as though it has been years instead of days
since she’d last been there. She felt like a different person, like she didn’t
even know who she was anymore.

Lindsay looked up from the desk and started
to stand up when she saw her.

“Don’t,” Victoria said, holding her hand
up. “I didn’t come here to talk or because I’m ready to forgive you.” She
dropped a plain white envelope on the desk. “I wanted to leave this for
Maureen. I know I could have just emailed her, but there’s something in there I
want her to have. It’s important to me she know this shelter has been a
lifeline for me. It gave my life purpose.”

Lindsay glared at her as she dropped back
into her seat. “You’re leaving town, aren’t you? Running scared? My God,
Victoria, I never figured you for a coward.”

“Don’t you dare call me a coward. I pray to
God you’ll never have to know what it feels like to walk in my shoes.” In spite
of Lindsay’s decision to tell Jay the truth, Victoria couldn’t erase all of the
years she’d been her sole source of support.

“No one will ever know because you’re not
willing to tell us. You’re afraid to admit that you’re terrified of dying, and
sometimes you need help just to go on living.”

It was painfully true, but she’d grind
broken glass into her hand before she admitted it. “You don’t know what you’re
talking about. You and Jay think you have all the answers, but trust me, you’re
clueless.”

Lindsay folded her arms over her chest.
“You think you’re ever gonna find another guy like him? Hell, I’m not even sure
you deserve a guy like him.”

Victoria knew her friend had her back up
because she felt backed into a corner, forced to defend herself. Victoria
recognized the signs because she’d been there herself, more times than she
could count. “Neither am I, that’s why I’m leaving.”

“No!” Lindsay slammed her palm down on the
desk. “When I say you don’t deserve him, you’re not supposed to agree with me.
You’re supposed to tell me I’m wrong… I don’t know what the hell I’m talking
about. You’re supposed to yell and scream and swear, maybe even throw
something, because you care so damn much.”

She shrugged. “Sorry to disappoint you. I
don’t intend to put on a show for you tonight.”

“I hate seeing you like this, so determined
to give up.” Lindsay leaned forward, bracing her elbows on the old metal desk.
“You’re running away from the best damn thing that’s ever happened to you. He’d
be there for you, no matter what life threw at you. Why would you want to walk
away from him?”

“For that very reason.” Victoria gripped
her purse strap until her knuckles turned white, the only sign she wasn’t as
composed as she was pretending to be. “He would insist on staying, no matter
how bad it got. He would waste months, hell, maybe even years of his life
taking care of me, watching me die. You said it yourself; he’s an incredible
man. He sure as hell doesn’t deserve to go through that.”

“What about you? Did you deserve all the
things that have happened to you? Did you deserve to have your old lady drop
you off like a sack of clothes she’d outgrown? Did you deserve all of those vile,
disgusting things those bastards in all those worthless foster homes said to
you?” She whispered the final questions. “Do you believe you deserved to get
cancer, Victoria? Was it God’s way of punishing you for some unforgiveable
sin?”

Victoria bit her lip, trying to convince
herself she would not cry no matter how sharply the words pierced her heart.
“No, I didn’t deserve any of it.”

“Then when are you going to stop punishing
yourself? You didn’t do anything wrong.”  Lindsay reached for a tissue to dry
her tears. “You owe it to yourself to find love, and Jay… he’s the real deal.
Please…” Her voice broke. “Please don’t walk away from him.”

Jay saw the nondescript white envelope
lying on the floor even before he opened the door to his studio. He prayed it
wasn’t what he thought it was, but when he called Victoria that morning, she
didn’t answer. When he got tired of waiting for her to return his call, he
drove by her place and it looked eerily empty, almost deserted.

Karen came up behind him and touched his
back. “Hey, boss, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” He set his key in the
lock, pulled the door open, and deactivated the alarm before he finally reached
down to pick up the envelope. He needed more time; he wasn’t ready to face
reality just yet.

Karen shot him a side-long glance when he
gripped the envelope in his hand instead of opening it. She chuckled. “How many
times do I have to tell you you’re not a superhero just because you can fly
through the air? You don’t have x-ray vision.” 

Any other day, he would have smiled at her
teasing, but today, he couldn’t muster a smile if his life depended on it.
“Have you heard from Victoria today?” She was due to teach the first class at
ten, and if she didn’t want to talk to him, she may have at least thought to
call his assistant so Karen could find another instructor to take her place.

“No. Why?”

“No reason.” He hit the light switches
before glancing over his shoulder at his assistant. “I’ll be in my office if
you need me.”

“Jay… is Victoria coming in today, or do I
need to line up another instructor?”

He didn’t want to face the truth, but if
she wasn’t here by now, chances were good she wasn’t coming. “Call someone
else.” He crossed the studio, anxious to be alone in his office so he could
open the envelope without a well-meaning friend peering over his shoulder,
asking him if he was okay.

Jay sat down and tore in to the envelope,
his gut clenching with fear and dread when the familiar silver key fell to the
desk with a loud clatter. There were two sheets of paper folded and tucked
inside. One was a standard resignation letter, but the other was handwritten.

Dear Jay,

We’ve only known each other a short time,
but I can honestly say you’re the best man I’ve ever met. You’re generous,
passionate, loving… and you deserve a woman who can make your dreams come true.
I wish I were that woman, but I’m not.

I would never be able to give you a family
or a promise of forever, and even though you may try to convince me and
yourself you were okay with it, we both know you’d be living with fear and
regret every day. I can’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you.

I’m leaving town today. Nashville may be
the place I was born, but it’s never been my home. In truth, I’ve never had a
home, a place where I felt like I belonged. Maybe someday I’ll find it. I won’t
give up looking. In spite of what you might think, I’m not giving up on life.
On the contrary, I’m going to find a way to start living it.