Hopeless (19 page)

Within seconds, she couldn’t think at all.
No one had ever loved her so thoroughly, so intensely. It felt as though he was
getting pleasure from her pleasure, reveling in the fact he had complete
control over her body in that moment.

She tried to give herself over to it, but
it was too much, too intense. “Jay, stop…” She pushed against his shoulders,
but he wouldn’t relent. The slow slide of his tongue against the swollen,
sensitized bud at the core of her pleasure was his weapon, and she was too weak
to fight anymore.

She tipped her head back and let go in a
way she never had before. She gave her body to him, trusting him to take care
of her, to catch her when she inevitably fell from the peak he was forcing her
to scale. “Oh… yesss….” There were no words to describe the pleasure of feeling
so free, of not having to think or feel or worry about tomorrow. In this
moment, he forced her to be totally present, and she’d never felt more alive.

“Just let go for me, baby.”

His words of encouragement were all it took
to send her freefalling. There were bright lights dancing behind her eyelids, a
rush of adrenaline coursing through her body. Her head was pounding, her limbs
were trembling, and she was laughing and sobbing and coming completely unglued,
and it felt so incredible to finally be free to let go.

“Oh my God,” she whispered.

He had a self-satisfied smirk on his face
before he pulled her into his arms and settled his head on her chest.

She knew he must be more than ready to
claim his own release, but he was obviously willing to put her needs first, and
in that moment, she fell just a little deeper. How could she not?  “You’re
incredible,” she whispered. She hadn’t intended to voice her thoughts, but
obviously holding back with him wasn’t an option anymore.

Jay brushed his lips across her hair. “You
don’t know how much I needed this tonight.”

She ran her hand down his chest, over the
ink decorating his huge bicep. He was so strong, so powerful, and for tonight
at least she could pretend he was all hers. “Me too.” It was a small
concession, but she knew it made him happy when a grin split his handsome face.

Victoria lived in a duplex on a busy
street, between two retail stores, and the glow from the street lights coupled
with the traffic should have been distracting. It usually cost her precious
sleep, but tucked into the cocoon of his arms, everything else faded to black.
The only thing that mattered was him and the way he made her feel.

“I want you,” she whispered, pressing her
lips to his chest. She knew he was waiting out of deference to her, but with
the evidence of his arousal beckoning to her, she couldn’t wait another minute.

He watched her reach into her nightstand
for a condom and his eyes darkened with some unreadable emotion.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, gripping the
plastic packet in her fist.

“Nothing…” He closed his eyes. “It’s not
important.”

She surprised him by crawling over him and
pinning his hands above his head. “Are you gonna tell me now or do I have to
force it out of you?”

Jay laughed. They both knew his years of
martial arts training would ensure he had her flat on her back in the time it
took her to blink, but he was obviously willing to play along. “What are you
gonna do to me if I don’t wanna tell you, darlin’?”

“Hmmm…” Her eyes skimmed his torso,
practically drooling over all the bronze skin pulled taut over well-defined
abs. “I’ll bet I can think of something.” She was in her element now. She
specialized in fun, playful sex. It was the promise of deep, intense
love-making that scared the hell out of her. 

Almost as though he could read her mind,
his smile fell and he pinned her with his gaze, refusing to allow her to look
away. “You asked me what was wrong. I was thinkin’ about how many lovers have
shared this bed with you.”

She swallowed. Oh, wow. Of all the things
she’d expected him to say, that would have rounded off the list. She tried to
laugh it off. “I’m not exactly a virgin, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You haven’t told me about your last
boyfriend, your last lover. Who? When? What happened?”

She let the condom wrapper fall out of her
hand as she climbed off of him. “Do we really have to do this right now?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“’Cause I don’t wanna end up like him, a
distant memory a few months from now. I’m in this for the long haul, Victoria.”

The long haul.
It smacked of forever, a word no man had ever been
brave enough to utter to her. Her previous boyfriends, if she could call them
that, all knew the score. If they started talking about white picket fences or
engagement rings, their season in the sun would be over. Why couldn’t Jay just
follow the unspoken rules and respect her boundaries?

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Too bad, we’re gonna talk about it. I’m
not gonna let you hide from this anymore.” His body was partially covering
hers, pinning her to the mattress. “I don’t want your body if you’re not
willing to let me in, I mean really let me in.”

Was he actually giving her an ultimatum?
Tell him what he wanted to know or his offer of sex was off the table? She
wanted to call his bluff, but she was afraid Jay wasn’t the kind of man who
made idle threats. “He was a banker. His name was Daniel. We dated for three
months.” She hoped rhyming off the facts would be enough to satisfy him, but
she should have known he was just getting started.

“What happened? Why didn’t it work out?”

Victoria hoped she could deflect the
question with playfulness. She ran her hand over his hard pecs. “Like I said, he
was a banker… desk job, played squash, drove a Volvo.” She licked her lips. “I
like my men a little edgier… motorcycles, tattoos, rippling muscles…”

She moaned when he kissed her neck. “I like
knowing my man could take care of me…” Okay, where the hell had that thought
come from? She was a second-degree black belt in karate. She’d worked hard to earn
the distinction so she could take care of herself, but she couldn’t deny she
got a little thrill knowing her man could take down 99.9% of the population
with one hand tied behind his back. No, she had to stop thinking like that! Jay
was not
her
man.

“Mmm, good to know,” he said, working on
the sensitive spot he’d discovered at the base of her collarbone. He alternated
nibbles and moist kisses… first one side, then the other, until she was
panting, moaning, and writing beneath him.

“God… Jay… please, you’re killing me here.”

He grinned as she reached for the condom
package she’d dropped earlier. “We can’t have that, can we?” His eyes were dark
as she watched him roll the condom over his hard shaft and slide a finger deep
inside of her. “We need to have a few ground rules.”

She groaned in frustration. She didn’t want
to comply with his rules; she just wanted him to make love to her, damn it!
Correction, they were having sex, not making love. “What kind of rules?”

“Neither one of us is gonna pretend this is
a one-time deal. This is just the beginning, baby. You need to understand
that.” He was teasing her with his hard shaft poised at her entrance, promising
to give her what she needed, but only if she was willing to give a little in
return.

She knew once would never be enough to
satisfy her insatiable hunger for this man. Tomorrow she would have to figure
out how she could guard her heart while giving him her body, but that was a
problem for another day. “Fine…” She clenched her teeth. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, you’re
mine
.”

Her eyes locked with his and there was no
doubt in her mind he was serious. He hadn’t just come here to get into her bed,
he came determined to steal her heart. “What are you talking about?” The words
were barely more than a whisper because she couldn’t force air past the fear
blocking her airway. 

“Your body, your heart, your soul, your
secrets, your dreams… are all mine now.”

She trembled when he finally thrust deep
inside of her. She hadn’t agreed to anything, hadn’t complied with his wishes,
but her body still demanded she meet him stroke for stroke. “Jay… I…” There
were no words to describe how incredible he felt. He filled her in a way no
other man ever had. More than just satisfying a longing in her body, something
inside of her shifted when they were joined, as though she was making room for
him to take up permanent residence in her heart.

“God, you feel amazing…” He muttered,
gripping the headboard as he clenched his teeth. “So damn tight…”

She knew as a lover Jay could probably
outlast most men because of the fierce control he’d developed as a martial
artist, but tonight she wanted to watch him lose control in her arms. “Jay,
look at me.”

He opened his eyes and she could see the
barely leashed passion consuming him.

“Don’t hold back.”

He groaned. “You don’t know what you’re askin’
of me, baby.”

“Yes, I do. I want you, all of you. You
asked me to drop the façade; well, I’m asking you to do the same.”

He stared at her a long time before he finally
grabbed her waist, held her hips firmly in place, and plunged into her so fast,
so hard, so deep, so relentlessly, they were clinging to each other, sticky
with sweat, and trembling by the time they finally demanded each other’s
release.

Their shared cries of ecstasy echoed in the
small room, drowning out the sound of everything outside those four walls.

“Wow,” she whispered as he rolled off of
her and pulled her into his arms. She didn’t like to cuddle after sex. Normally
by now she’d be handing the guy his clothes, thanking him for dinner, and
planning for the following day. But lying here in Jay’s arms felt so right. She
wasn’t thinking about tomorrow, or the repercussions of her reckless actions,
or her illness. He made her feel strong, healthy… hell, his strength and
determination almost made
her
feel invincible.  

Victoria groaned when the sound of her
ringing cell phone pulled her out of Jay’s arms a few hours later. “Hello.”

“I’m so sorry to wake you, but we’ve got a
situation here,” Lindsay said.

She sat up before pushing her hair out of
her eyes. “What is it?”

“Lena’s back.”

Lena was a runaway teen who had grown up in
the system just like Victoria. A few months ago, she ran off with Victoria’s
wallet and a little piece of her heart. “Is she okay?”

“Physically, yes. Emotionally, she’s a
mess.” She sighed. “She’s pregnant, Vic.”

“No! Damn it, she can’t even take care of
herself without having to worry about a baby.”

“I know. Listen, we’re taking her to the
hospital now. She doesn’t look well. She came in malnourished, dehydrated, and
I’m willing to bet she hasn’t had any prenatal care.”

Victoria cursed softly. “How far along is
she?”

“She doesn’t know for sure, and it’s hard
to tell, given her condition. I’m guessing five or six months, maybe more.”

“Does she know who the father is?”

“Some guy she met on the streets. He left
her when he found out.”

Victoria rolled her eyes. “Of course he
did. He was probably just a kid himself.” It broke her heart to think of
another baby coming in to the world without a home or loving parents to care
for them.

“Um…” She glanced at Jay, who was sitting
up, scanning the messages on his phone, obviously trying hard not to eavesdrop
on her private conversation. “It’s the opening of Jay’s karate studio today; he
needs me.” She hadn’t intended it to come out quite that way, but his smile
made her glad it had.

“Hey,” he whispered, “if you have something
to take care of, we can meet up later. I’ve got the rest of the staff there to
help me.”

“Oh my God,” Lindsay squealed. “Is he there
with you?”

Victoria blushed. She probably would have
told her friend about their relationship eventually, but now was definitely not
the time to get into it. “Listen, I’ll meet you at the hospital in a bit. I
need to see Lena to make sure she’s okay.” She had a rule about getting too
involved with the women and children who passed through their shelter, but
something about Lena reminded her so much of herself at that age it made it nearly
impossible for Victoria not to befriend her.

“She’s worried you’re mad at her, given the
way she left.”

“Just tell her I’m not. I’m glad she came
back.”

“Will do. See you soon. Oh, and, Vic, don’t
think I’m gonna let you get out of telling me what’s going on with your sexy
new boss.”

Victoria chuckled as she hung up the phone.
“Sorry,” she said, turning to Jay.

“You want to talk about it?”

She knew he must have a lot on his mind
today, but he still cared enough to make sure she was okay. It shouldn’t
surprise her. He was the same guy who dropped everything to follow her to the
doctor’s office, but having someone looking out for her was still a foreign
concept, one she didn’t think she could ever get used to. “We have a
confidentiality thing at the shelter. I can’t really talk about it. Sorry.” For
once, she was sorry she couldn’t tell him everything. It had always been a
reasonable excuse whenever the man she’d been dating tried to understand her
commitment to the shelter, but with Jay it was different. She found herself
wanting to open up to him.