Hopeless (13 page)

“It’s gonna be okay, Victoria,” he said
gently.

It was then she realized the terror she’d
been trying so hard to hide must have been reflected in her eyes, because he
looked as though his heart was breaking for her. “You don’t have to say that.”
But she was so grateful he had. He had no way of knowing what she was facing or
what she’d already been through, but just knowing he believed she was going to
be okay put her mind at ease somehow.

She leaned her head on his shoulder and
looked at their joined hands. His was big and strong. Hers was paler and much
smaller. He was the picture of health, and she felt so weak right now. She
didn’t know if it was because she felt so emotionally drained, but she was so
scared she wouldn’t have the strength to face this battle again.

“Mike called a few minutes after you left.”

She didn’t want to talk about his brother
right now. Everything outside of this room seemed so insignificant. “Did you
tell him I had a doctor’s appointment?” She didn’t want Mike to know about
this. If it came down to it, she’d rather fight this battle alone; like she had
the last time she faced it. It seemed so unfair to drag other people into her
private hell. It was bad enough Jay was here with her now.

Victoria would never let Jay see her the
way she’d been then. Too weak to get out of bed and too tired to care. She was
a mere shell of the young, vibrant woman she’d once been, and the treatments
they’d given her, the same ones that eventually healed her, had slowly
eradicated the insidious disease, but not before they almost took her will to
fight for another day.

“No. I just told him you had to step out for
a bit. Would you rather he was the one here with you?”

There’s no one else she’d rather have by
her side right now. She thought about where she’d be if Jay hadn’t come into
her life. She’d still be here, but she’d be alone, without his strong shoulder
to lean on. “No, I’m glad you’re here.”

He squeezed her hand. “Me too.”

A young nurse in brightly colored scrubs
rounded the corner and smiled at her. “Victoria, the doctor will see you now.”

She looked up at Jay, wishing there was
something she could say to make him understand how much it meant to her that he
was there. “You don’t have to stay. I can just meet you back at the studio when
I’m finished.”

He picked up a magazine from the stack on
the end table. “And miss out on the opportunity to read this issue of
Sports
Illustrated
?” He grinned. “It’s only six months old.”

She laughed, and the sound surprised her
when it escaped her lips. How had he made her laugh when her life as she knew
it may be over? “Okay… well, enjoy.”

He winked. “Don’t worry, I will.”

She turned back to look at him before she
walked down the narrow hallway toward the private offices. Sure enough, his
nose was buried in the magazine, as though he’d been waiting forever to read it.
She was grateful; if he’d looked up at her, she may have burst into tears and
run screaming from the office.

Victoria didn’t want to do this. She didn’t
want to face the truth. She’d much rather crawl under the covers and pretend
everything was fine. Pretend she was normal, that she could have a husband, a
few kids, and a long, happy, healthy life. But she wasn’t normal. She never had
been. Since the day she was born, she’d faced struggle, and evidently she was
bound to die the same way: struggling, begging, pleading for another minute,
another hour, another day. For what… to find happiness? As far as she was
concerned, happiness was just an illusion.

“Dr. Dalton will be in shortly. Just have a
seat.”

“Thank you,” Victoria whispered.

The door closed at the same time she closed
her eyes. She was finally alone, alone to process her feelings and wallow in
her terror. Her stomach clenched and her hands were cold and clammy. If she
were prone to panic attacks, she surely would have had one then, but she forced
herself to stay calm, at least on the outside.

“Hello, Victoria,” Dr. Dalton said as he
entered the room. He had been her family doctor for twelve years. He’d seen her
through the surgery and treatments. He’d consulted with her oncologist. He’d
offered her a reassuring smile when she was ready to give up hope.

“Hello.”

She looked at the manila folder in his
hands. She knew most doctors favored computer files nowadays, but Dr. Dalton
was old-fashioned and she loved that about him. He was the kind of father she
wished she’d had… if she’d been blessed with a father at all.

“I’m sorry you had to come in early. I got
called out of town unexpectedly.” He smiled. “My daughter’s having her first
baby, my first grandbaby.”

“Congratulations.” It took a moment for her
to process his words. He’d called her into his office today because he had to
leave town? Did that mean—?

“Now, let’s see what we have here.” He
opened the file and reviewed her test results.

Minutes seemed like hours as the only sound
in the room was the second hand on the wall clock marking the passing of time.

“Everything looks good.”

Those three little words sounded like an
echo in her eyes. “It does?”

He frowned. “You sound surprised? Have you
been feeling okay?”

She’d been feeling great, until she got the
call from his office. “Yes, fine.”

“Excellent.” He looked her in the eye.
“Victoria, there is one other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

Here it comes
, she thought. This was the bad news she’d been
waiting for.

“The last time we met, you made a comment
about living on borrowed time. It stuck with me.” He closed her file and leaned
back in his swivel chair. “Is that how you really feel?”

She barely remembered making the comment.
Given how many patients he’d likely seen since then, she was surprised he even
remembered her name, much less an innocent remark made during a weak moment.
“Sometimes.” She looked down at the hands clasped in her lap as she admitted,
“Most of the time.”

He reached into his desk and extracted a
card. “It’s not unusual for patients who’ve faced life-threatening illnesses to
have difficulty coming to terms with it.” He passed the embossed business card
across his desk. “Dr. Greene is a colleague and friend of mine. I think it
might help you to talk to her about this.”

She looked at the fancy script on the card
before asking, “You really think I need a shrink?”

He chuckled. “I think you need to talk to
someone, a professional.” He set his silver-rimmed glasses down on the desk.
“This may not be my place to say, but I’ve known you a long time, so I feel I’d
be doing you a disservice if I wasn’t honest with you…”

She didn’t know which was worse, being
physically sick or having her doctor think she was coming unglued.

“Victoria, your life didn’t end with your
diagnosis. On the contrary, your remission is a second chance. Do yourself a
favor, make the most of it.”

She considered what that would mean, making
the most of the time she had left instead of living in fear her body may betray
her again. There was no question it would be liberating to step outside of her
comfort zone and learn to live again. “I’ll think about it.” She held the card
tighter. “I’ll think about calling Dr. Greene, I promise.”

Dr. Dalton smiled as he stood up. “Glad to
hear it.” He pointed to the small room beside his office. “Why don’t you slip
into a gown so we can finish up your exam, and I can send you on your way?” He
winked at her. “With a clean bill of health.”

Jay’s stomach was tied up in knots as he
waited for Victoria. He didn’t know what was wrong, but something definitely
was. Ever since she’d received the call from the doctor’s office, she’d been
walking around in a daze. Whatever it was, there was no way he was going to let
her go through it alone. No matter how determined she was to push him away, he
was going to be there to support her, whether she liked it or not.

He felt her presence filling the room
before he even looked up. He was almost afraid of what her reaction might be.
After the panic he’d seen clouding her eyes earlier, he didn’t know what to
expect now. Whatever he’d been anticipating, the reality was completely
unexpected. She looked radiant, as though the doctor had given her a new lease
on life in the mere minutes she’d spent with him.

“Hi,” she said, beaming. “Are you ready to
go?”

“Yeah, let’s get the hell out of here.”

He slid his hand in hers and led her out of
the office. He felt like he did the first time he went sky-diving. He was
terrified before he took the leap, but the adrenaline rush from facing his fear
and coming out the other side left him weak with relief. That’s how he felt
now, holding Victoria’s hand as they stepped onto the elevator: inexplicably
relieved. He didn’t know what had just happened, but he felt like she’d just
dodged a bullet, and he was just so grateful her smile told him she was going
to be okay.

She frowned when she looked up at him.
“Hey, are you all right?”

He punched the stop button and backed her
into the mirrored wall.  “No, I’m not okay.” He thrust his hands into her hair.
“I was scared to death. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I just
wanted to protect you, to keep you safe. I hated that I couldn’t. I felt so
damn helpless…” His breath was coming out in gasps and his heart was pounding
in his chest. He felt more winded than he had when he ran the 10K last month. “I
hate feeling like things are beyond my control.”

But he knew the way he felt about her was
beyond his control. It defied logic, broke down every barrier he’d ever
erected, and laughed in the face of everything he thought he knew about
relationships.

It was supposed to take time to build a
relationship, to fall in love. You weren’t supposed to meet someone and be
struck speechless. You weren’t supposed to waste every minute thinking about
them, especially when you had a business to run. You sure as hell weren’t
supposed to be interested in a woman who was dating your brother. But he was. 

His mouth came down on hers, stealing the
words hovering on her lips. He didn’t want to hear her protest. There were no
words to describe the avalanche that had torn through his life and nearly
brought him to his knees in recent days. Nothing else mattered in that moment
as he explored her mouth, not his brother or her doctor, the studio or the fact
she was his employee. The only thing he cared about was exploring this
incredible connection that had them clinging to each other and pouring
everything they had into a single kiss.

She pushed against his shoulders and tried
to tear her mouth from his.

“Don’t,” he whispered. The words fell from
his lips like a broken plea. He’d never felt so desperate or so confused. “God,
please… don’t push me away. I need you right now.”

Her whole body stiffened before she finally
framed his face with her hands and brought his mouth back to hers. “We
shouldn’t…”

“I don’t care.” He nipped and licked her
bottom lip before moving to her ear.

“Your brother…”

“I don’t care.” He drew her earlobe into
his mouth and felt her grind into him as a soft moan escaped her lips.

She ran her hands through his hair. “Work…”

“Don’t care.” The only thing he cared about
was getting closer to her, busting through her barriers and forcing his way
into her heart.

“Jay, we can’t do this here.”

He knew she was right. They were in an
elevator in a medical building, for God’s sake. “Fine.” He pulled back and drew
a deep breath. “But this isn’t over.”

Thankfully, they were too busy to talk
about the kiss for the rest of the day. But Victoria wasn’t too busy to think
about it. She’d be on the phone, talking to a new student, explaining their
program options, and she’d catch a glimpse of Jay across the room. His back
would be turned, deep in conversation with someone else, but her eyes would
travel the length of his hard body and her mind would drift back to the memory
of having those rippling muscles pressing her into the wall at her back,
demanding complete and total surrender.

She didn’t know if Jay realized it, but
that’s exactly what he’d been doing, demanding she surrender to his will. And
she had. She allowed herself to get caught up in the spicy scent of his cologne
lingering on her skin, the minty taste of his breath invading her mouth, and
the slow slide of his hands branding her body. She shivered just thinking about
it.

The painter she’d met the day before
entered the studio and grinned when he saw her.

Jay was talking to another local business
owner who’d approached him about a joint marketing venture, but he raised his
hand in greeting to his friend.

“Hiya, gorgeous.”

Victoria smiled. She’d liked Kurt as soon
as she met him. He was fun, playful, flirtatious, and despite his tough biker
exterior, she sensed he was totally harmless. “Hi yourself.” She looked him up
and down the same way he’d looked at her when they first met. “How is it you’re
a painter, yet I don’t see a drop of paint on you?”