Hopeful (3 page)

And then, to her shame, she cried some more.

“It’s going to be all right, Judith,” he murmured as she cried and cried. “We’ll get through this, I promise we will.”

“It’s not going to ever be all right.” Pushing herself backward, she scooted a little away, far enough away so that she could see his face while she whispered what was in her heart. “Oh, Ben. I am so sorry. I’ve failed you.”

Those hazel eyes she’d always loved blinked in confusion. Then he shook his head as he gently wiped her damp cheeks with yet another tissue. “Never that. You make me happy, Judith. Always.”

“But I know you wanted a baby.”

“Stop apologizing. All I care about is you.
Jah
, I did want a
boppli
. But when you miscarried? All I worried about was you. After loving you most of my life, finally you are my wife. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“I am going to be fine.”

“And I am mighty glad for that. Judith, your happiness is all I care about right now. If I had lost you? Why, I would have been lost myself. . . . ”

Two weeks ago, when she’d started bleeding it had been terrible. And losing their baby had been the worst of situations. But through it all, she’d held tight the knowledge that one day they would hold a baby of their own. She knew several women who had suffered miscarriages but had eventually had perfectly healthy babies.

But now that dream was gone.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do now,” she whispered.

“We don’t need to decide anything right now. All we need to do is rest for a bit.”

Decide? There wasn’t anything to decide. The decision had been made. What Ben didn’t understand was how this changed
everything
.

With a shaky voice, she finally admitted the awful truth. “Ben, all my life I’ve wanted children. I’ve wanted to be a mother.”

“I know.”

Lowering her voice she finally found the courage to whisper, “I truly have no idea what is going to become of me if I’m not a mother.”

“You’ll be my
frau
. My partner. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be mine.”

His words were wonderful, and she knew he meant every word. And, of course, she loved him, too. But that didn’t stop the ache she felt. “What if that’s not enough for me? What am I going to do then?”

He stared at her in shock, tears filling his eyes as he slowly comprehended just how lost she was. “We’ll just have to make sure it is,” he stated.

“But—”

His voice hardened. “Judith Knox, you listen to me. You need to put these doubts away. For now, I’ll do the thinking for both of us.” When she tried to draw farther away, he pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her back.

“I will do the thinking,” he repeated, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I will do the thinking and the worrying and the planning. All you have to do is rest and lean on me.”

“For how long?”

“For as long as it takes for you to feel better,” he said fiercely. “That’s how long.”

Because he needed her to, she leaned against him and closed her eyes. She rested her head against his firm, solid chest and attempted to breathe slowly and evenly.

After a minute, as if he realized that she wasn’t going to leave their embrace, his hands gentled. He sighed and pressed his lips to the top of her head. Little by little, she felt his muscles relax.

Because she knew him so well, she knew he was hoping things were better now. That she was going to follow his advice and lean on him. That one day soon she’d be back to her regular self.

She dreaded the moment when he realized that wasn’t going to happen.

Albert Beiler had been called Junior all of his life. He’d been called Junior for so long, he’d even stopped wondering where the nickname came from. He wasn’t named after his father, so he wasn’t a “junior” anything.

At least, not that he could figure out.

He was the eldest boy in a family of eight children. He was child number two, stuck in between Claire and Beverly. After Beverly, there was a two-year gap, then came Micah, Randall, Neil, and Levi. Eight years younger than Levi was little Kaylene.

Kaylene was his parents’ surprise, and her eldest brother’s heart. Actually, she was most everyone’s favorite, and it was no secret why.

After Kaylene’s birth, their mother had never really recovered. She’d refused to go to the doctor, refused to accept her weakness postdelivery. Then, one sunny day in July, she’d collapsed.

She’d passed away soon after at the hospital.

Then, when Kaylene was just four years old, their father had died from a heart attack, forcing Junior to become the man of the house.

That was four years ago.

Now, he and Claire and Beverly had become something of a triumvirate. Together, the three of them did their best to guide their brothers and raise their sister.

Luckily, all of the boys were now out of school and doing various jobs . . . enabling Junior to not feel the complete burden of providing for the family.

He’d always thought the Lord had provided little Kaylene with her own set of guardian angels. There was really no other reason that he could think for her to be so well-adjusted.

Though a little shy, she was a sweet child, and seemed to lean on each of them in different ways.

But it was generally agreed that she depended on him the most.

He’d never minded that.

If he was around, Junior made sure Kaylene never had to wait too long to be noticed. He’d taken it upon himself to look out for her. To make sure she got her hugs and ate her supper. He made sure she’d gotten a kitten to cuddle at night since she had a room all to herself.

And that she always knew he was on her side. No matter what.

Which was maybe why it was she who rushed out to see him the moment he’d finished putting Princess—the somewhat homely horse with the fancy name Kaylene had given her—in her stable. If Kaylene knew anything, it was that her eldest brother always had time to spare for her.

“Hiya, Kay,” he said as he picked up the currycomb. Pushing aside his thread of worry about his upcoming visit to Miriam, he smiled at his littlest sister. “How are you today?”

“Gut
.
”
Walking closer, she raised her hand to give Princess a gentle rub on her muzzle. “Where have you been?”

“I had some things to take care of in town.”

“I didn’t know you were going into Sugarcreek.”

“That’s because you have more important things to think about.”

“Like what?”

“Like school.” Taking a deep breath, he braced himself to ask her least favorite question. “So, how was
shool
today?”

As was her habit, she started twirling one of the ties from her
kapp
around a finger. “I don’t know.”

He glanced her way as he carefully worked on Princess’s coat. The mare enjoyed the attention, tossing her head a bit as he gently combed her mane.

And still Junior waited. His sister had something on her mind, and she was obviously biding her time until she said her piece.

Giving her a prod, he asked, “What have you been doing since you got home this afternoon?”

“My chores.”

“Did you get them done?”

“Uh-huh.” After releasing the tie, she kicked at the dirt under her foot.

He moved around to Princess’s other side and started brushing her coat in earnest. “I know sweeping the front porch didn’t take too long. What else have you been doing?”

She wrinkled her nose. “My homework.”

“And what is your homework?”

“Reading.”

The word was uttered with such disdain that Junior was tempted to grin. At last, he’d discovered what had made her so upset. “And how is that going?”

After a moment’s pause, she looked at her feet. “You know, Junior.”

She was right, he did know.

“Come on. Let’s go sit down.” After giving the mare one last friendly pat, he guided Kaylene to a bench next to the back door of the barn. He liked sitting out there because it was out of the line of vision of the house. One could sit there for a few minutes without being detected—which was no small thing in a house of eight.

With a sigh, his little sister scrambled up beside him and tried to look very brave.

Which melted his heart, of course. “Reading ain’t getting any easier for you?”

After a pause, she shook her head. “We have to count the pages we’ve read and write them in a notebook. And then we have to write a sentence about what we read.”

“That doesn’t sound too hard.”

Lowering her voice, she said, “Junior, I have the smallest amount of pages in the whole class. Everyone knows it, too.”

Kicking his feet out, he tried to think of the best way to approach her problem. On one hand, he was proud of her honesty. Any one of her older brothers would have simply fibbed about the number of pages read.

And if she had done that, it would have certainly spared her the embarrassment. But of course that wasn’t the problem. Her problem was that she’d always struggled with reading.

“Have you talked to Beverly or Claire about this?”

“Uh-huh.”

Hope filled him. “And? What did they say?”

Kaylene averted her eyes. “That I need to try harder.”

“Ah.” He was a bit surprised, though he shouldn’t be. Claire and Beverly had always excelled in school and had never been known for their patience. They were wonderful women, and looked out for the rest of their siblings like formidable mother hens.

But neither was the type to coddle Kaylene or her older brothers about school. Beverly and Claire, like him, had a fairly vivid memory of their parents. Though they’d been very kind and had enjoyed spending time with their children, neither had been especially cuddly people. They’d had high standards for the Beiler children and little patience for excuses.

And that had probably been a good thing, especially for his four younger brothers, who were a handful even on the best of days. But with sweet Kaylene? He tended to think that was the wrong approach.

She was different from the rest of them. She was a lot more hesitant. Needed a lot more hugs and gentle words.

And with school, she needed lots of reassurance; otherwise her doubts and worries got the best of her.

Though most of his friends growing up would have been surprised, Junior was the one in the household who had a seemingly endless supply of patience with the littlest member of their family.

“Kay, what do you think we should do?”

“I got to learn to read better, Junior.”

“Your teacher can’t help?”

After another pause, she shook her head. “Miss Mary Kate says I’m just slow.”

“She said that?”

“Uh-huh. She said even though I do things a little later than most, she thinks one day I’m gonna be just as smart as the rest of you. That is, if I try real hard.”

Inwardly, Junior winced. He was surprised Mary Kate would say something like that. Though he was just getting to know her, he would have thought a teacher would be a bit more understanding about one of her students’ reading problems. Or at least a little more tactful. “What do you think about what she said?”

Clasping her hands tightly on her lap, Kaylene shook her head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be as smart as Beverly. And I know I’ll never be as smart as Micah.”

He chuckled. “I don’t think any of us will be.” Micah was the brightest of them all. He’d been reading big books by the time he was eight or nine, and there hadn’t been a math or science problem he couldn’t figure out.

Years ago, when they’d all been much closer to Kaylene’s current age, their parents had announced that Micah had made them mighty proud. That he could be absolutely anything he wanted to be. He could start his own Amish business or even possibly be a doctor if he didn’t join their faith.

“Would you like me to visit with Mary Kate? See if she has any suggestions?”

After a moment’s pause, she gave a little nod. “You don’t mind?”

“I don’t mind.” Though some outside the family would say it wasn’t a brother’s job to worry about a sister’s reading ability, none of his siblings would be surprised. Kaylene didn’t have parents of her own, and she needed her siblings to fill that role. He would do just about anything to help his little sister. And, well, Miss Mary Kate just happened to be Miss Mary Katherine Hershberger, the woman he was going to ask Miriam about.

Warming up to the idea, he thought this might give him even more opportunities to get to know Mary Kate. Who knew? Maybe getting to know Mary Kate better would encourage her to be more patient with his little sister.

At last, Kaylene’s expression brightened. “
Danke
, Junior,” she said with a smile. “You really are the nicest one in the whole family.”

Unfortunately, her statement had the opposite effect than what she’d no doubt intended. It made him remember just how awkward it was going to be when he saw Miriam later tonight. If Joe was right, she had no idea he was going to visit merely to get help with another girl. When she realized that, her feelings were certainly going to be hurt.

Giving his sister a little pat on her back, he said, “I’ll stop by the school tomorrow afternoon. Try not to worry, Kay. We’ll get things figured out.”

After a brief hug, his little sister went back to the house. He took the opportunity to spend a few minutes by himself. To figure out how he was going to set things right with Miriam.

“Where are you and Junior planning to sit when he comes over? It’s a little too chilly to visit outside, don’tcha think?” her mother asked as she entered Miriam’s bedroom.

“I guess I’ll bring him into the living room.” Miriam shrugged, pretending his visit didn’t matter to her all that much. Though she’d been staring at the same page of her novel for the last fifteen minutes, she certainly didn’t need her mother discovering that. Her
mamm
would become even more excited about her caller. Miriam had purposefully gone into her bedroom to read in an effort to appear nonchalant.

“
Jah
, I suppose that will be the best spot for him,” her mother agreed, looking distracted and a bit anxious. “Just so you know, I put some of the cookies you made this morning on a plate.”