Hopeful (20 page)

She heard the longing in his voice. Saw the hope in his eyes. She wanted to make him happy, she truly did. But . . . “Ben, you are a mighty
gut
person. And I love you, too. But I’m simply not sure. . . .”

“Then do me a favor and read the packet. Don’t push this idea away without doing some thinking and praying first. Please, Judith.”

She stared at the packet and sighed.

And then she thought of everything her husband had been through. When he was thirteen, his mother had left him and his sister. His father had taken out his hurts and helplessness on Ben—and Ben had taken all the anger so his sister wouldn’t be harmed.

Two years ago, when he’d come back to Sugarcreek after his
daed
passed away, he’d returned only to try to sell the house. The only thing he’d wanted was to sell the house and move on. But then, her father had asked him to help out at the store and a series of events transpired to enable them to both share their feelings for each other.

Judith learned that he’d always fancied her. She soon admitted that she’d also felt something special for him. Little by little, Ben began to trust her enough to share his heart. She’d been so touched when he admitted that he’d forgotten that some dreams were possible. It had taken the magic of Christmas to remind him of that.

If he could come back to Sugarcreek, face his demons, and dream of a life filled with love, couldn’t she try to overcome her hurts, too?

Wasn’t it time for her to face the future and start looking toward the things that she could have . . . instead of the things she couldn’t?

Of course it was. Ben was so good to her. She knew in her heart that there was absolutely nothing he wouldn’t do for her. If all he was asking was for her to read about adoption . . . she knew she could do that.

“All right. I’ll look at the papers soon.”

“
Danke
.” He took her hands then. “Now that that is settled, what would you like to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Since we have to stay off the floors and let them dry. . . .”

“Yes?”

“How about we lie down on the grass and look at the clouds?”

“What in the world?” she asked as he tugged her a bit and walked her to a portion of their front yard where the grass was especially thick and vibrant and soft. She was tempted. She really was. But what if someone saw? “Ben, if someone sees us they’re going to wonder what we’re up to.”

“If they are rude enough to ask, I’ll be glad to tell them that I decided it was a
wonderful-gut
day to watch the clouds.” And with that, he lay right down and pulled her down with him.

She laughed as she relaxed beside him, feeling all of six years old again. “You are a strange man, Ben Knox.”

“So I’ve been told,” he said with a smile in his voice. “But look.”

Finally, she stared up at the sky and gazed at the puffy white clouds hovering so far above them. The clouds looked like cotton balls, with the cotton pulled out in different ways.

They were nothing out of the ordinary, but her appreciation of them was. “Oh!” she said.

“I spy, with my little eye, a squirrel.”

“A squirrel?”

Ben lifted his hand and pointed to a cloud. “Notice his fluffy tail? I think he’s holding a nut.”

“It looks more like a lamb to me.”

“Judith. Use some imagination,” he said a bit indignantly. “Anyone can imagine a cloud looking like a lamb.”

“Well, it’s not a squirrel.”

“What is it, then?”

Judith peeled her eyes. Trying to imagine what it could be. Then she realized how happy she felt. Why, that cloud could be anything . . . just like her future could be. If she somehow found the courage to stop looking for only the things she wanted to see.

“It’s . . . It’s a bumblebee. A giant bumblebee,” she said. “It’s buzzing over our heads, looking for honey.”

Ben reached for her hand and threaded his fingers through hers. “Good job, Judith,” he whispered. “Good job, my love.”

She smiled to herself. Knowing he was praising her for so much more than looking at clouds.

“I think if I was Jo, I’d be scared to go to the big city,” Kaylene declared to Miriam.

Miriam smiled at her from the other side of the blanket they’d set out on the lawn in between the Beilers’ sprawling home and their barn. “I think I would’ve been scared, too. It’s hard to do things that are new and different.”

“Like learning to swim,” Kaylene murmured.

“
Jah
. Or um, learning how to ride a bike.”

Kaylene smiled. “Or learning how to feed the chickens. When I first started gathering eggs the hens would peck me something awful.”

“I guess there are a lot of things that are scary when they’re new,” Miriam stated. The least of which was her visit to the Beilers’ home today.

Though she knew all of Kaylene’s and Junior’s siblings well enough to say hello at church or if they saw each other at the store, she’d never been to their home. In some ways, she’d always been intimidated by the Beilers. Despite having lost their parents, they were a self-assured bunch. And they all happened to be personable and attractive. Nothing like the wallflower she had always been.

The light was waning on the beautiful fall day. Closing the book, Miriam stretched. “I think we’re done for today. Want to show me Neil’s goats now?”

Kaylene scrambled to her feet. “Uh-huh.”

After they folded up the quilt, Miriam set it and her tote bag next to one of the oak trees that dotted the yard. Then she followed Kaylene to a pen behind the barn.

“This is Daisy,” Kaylene said as a little brown-and-white goat spied them and ambled forward. “She’s my favorite.”

Miriam reached down and gently petted Daisy’s coat. “She’s very pretty. And her coat is so soft.”

Kaylene beamed. “I named her.”

“I thought you might have. Daisy doesn’t sound like a name your brother would have come up with.”

After Kaylene showed her the beagle puppies and the chickens, they picked up Miriam’s tote bag and then headed to the house. As they walked, Kaylene chattered by her side. Miriam smiled and commented appropriately, but her mind kept wandering to another member of the Beiler family. The one person who still made her insides feel like she was filled with fluttering butterflies, and probably always would—no matter how much she wished otherwise.

The moment they opened the back door, Claire burst over to meet them. “At last you two are done! Junior made us promise to give you your privacy, but it’s been so hard. Beverly and I kept peeking out the window, checking to see if you were still reading together.”

“We finished, then I took her to meet Daisy,” Kaylene said importantly.

Claire grinned. “Ah, Daisy. She’s surely got the prettiest name in town.”

Kaylene tugged on Miriam’s apron. “I’m gonna go up to my room for a minute. I’ll be right back.”

“All right, dear,” Miriam said. As Kaylene wandered off, she wondered when saying something so motherly had felt so normal. She felt a little self-conscious about it, too. Looking at Claire, she murmured, “Kaylene and I have become
gut
friends.”

“So she’s told us.” Waving a hand, she invited Miriam into the kitchen. “Would you like some hot tea? Or maybe
kaffi
?”

“Tea would be great,
danke
.”

As Miriam watched Claire bustle around the kitchen, heating water in the kettle on the stove, carefully placing slices of banana bread on a serving dish, then bringing over a metal tin of tea bags, little by little, the muscles in her shoulders eased. For some reason, she’d expected the house to be noisy and chaotic. She’d imagined that Junior and several of his brothers would be asking her all kinds of questions. She’d envisioned feeling like a fish out of water.

Instead, she was here with Claire, about to enjoy a relaxing cup of tea.

Soon, however, Miriam began to get the feeling that things weren’t quite as relaxed as they seemed.

“I told the boys to grill hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner so we could have a little chat before supper,” Claire said after she sat down.

Miriam put the chunk of bread she’d picked up back down. “Oh?”

“Don’t look so worried! I only wanted to visit with you about Junior.”

If Miriam wasn’t worried before, she would surely be now! “What about Junior?”

“Only that we’ve all noticed that you’ve been on his mind lately.” Her smile broadened. “You come up in conversation fairly often.”

Miriam didn’t know what to say. “Well, we have become friends, I suppose.”

“We’re glad about that. I know I’m a couple years older than you, so our paths really haven’t crossed a whole lot. But I am looking forward to getting to know you better.”

“Me, too.” Feeling like she was having a different conversation than Claire was, she went back to familiar territory. “I’ve enjoyed getting to know Kaylene.”

“And we’ve all appreciated your help.”

Claire’s direct gaze was starting to make her a little uncomfortable. “It was nothing. She needed a little help and I had time.”

Claire gazed at her a full minute, then leaned back in her chair. “I’m making you uncomfortable, aren’t I? I’m sorry. Everyone in the family says I’m too direct.” She wrinkled her forehead. “I imagine they’re right, too. But listen, all I wanted to tell you is that all of us think that you and Junior would make a real fine couple.”

“What?”

“Oh, I know you don’t need our blessing or anything. But I figured it might feel a little awkward even thinking about joining a family that has no parents, only lots and lots of nosy siblings. I hope, over time, you won’t feel that way.”

Feeling beyond embarrassed, Miriam cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you’ve gotten the wrong impression of everything between Junior and me. Junior likes Mary Kate Hershberger.”

Claire shook her head. “No, I really don’t think so.”

“I promise, he does. He even took Mary Kate out to supper recently. He and I are nothing more than friends.”

Claire looked like she was about to argue the point, but just then the door opened and the rest of the family blew in.

The kitchen went from cozy to chaotic in two seconds. The men came in with plates filled with grilled hamburgers, hot dogs, and toasted buns.

“I hope you’re hungry, Miriam,” Junior said as Levi opened the refrigerator door and started setting out condiments. “We’ve got enough here to feed a small town.”

“I’ll do my best,” she said with a tight smile. As more food was taken out of the refrigerator, Kaylene ran into the room, and paper plates were passed around, Miriam did her best to act like she was having a
wonderful-gut
time.

But inside, she felt like crying. In her heart, she knew that she could be a great part of the family. She knew she would get along with Claire and Beverly and all of the other siblings. She knew she could act motherly to Kaylene and give her lots of hugs and help and smiles.

Jah
, she would be an excellent member of the Beiler household. If she and Junior Beiler were really a couple. Instead, Junior had reserved that place of honor for Mary Kate.

She just hoped Mary Kate would eventually appreciate what a wonderful thing that was.

The knock on her door was light and brisk. Thinking Miriam had stopped over again for a quick chat, Mary Kate opened the door without first glancing though the peephole.

She regretted that immediately.

“Will.” She stared at him with a mixture of shock and trepidation.

“Mary Katherine.” He stared at her with something that looked suspiciously like triumph in his eyes. “Are you surprised to see me?”

She couldn’t speak. Couldn’t seem to form a single coherent thought.

His postured stiffened, whether from her lack of response or her obvious fear, Mary Kate didn’t know. After the space of a heartbeat he murmured, “You didn’t think I’d come, did you?”

She had hoped he wouldn’t find her. But deep down, she’d always feared he would.

Afraid to say a word, Mary Kate attempted to push the door closed. If she caught him off guard, she could slam the door, deadbolt it against him, and simply bide her time until he got tired of waiting for her to emerge.

But one of his strong arms held the door in place. Voiding her plans.

Now she had no choice but to speak to him. “Will, you need to leave. Now. You shouldn’t have come.”

“That’s not what your parents said. They know there’s something special between us, just as I do.” His lips curved upward in a parody of a smile. “That’s why it was so easy to find out all I could about you. You shouldn’t have run. That was a mistake. I will always find you, Mary Katherine.”

He’d always called her by her full name. Never, ever had he called her Mary Kate. “My parents don’t speak for me.”

“It not like you have a choice. You should honor your parents. Just as you will one day honor your husband.” Still his hand gripped the edge of the door, his sheer strength preventing her from pushing it closed.

“I will honor my husband. But that man will never be you.”

Will’s eyes narrowed.

When she’d been in Millersburg, she’d never stood up to him. Instead, she would let him talk over her or she’d pretend that he really wasn’t quite as bad as she’d feared.

But when he truly couldn’t take the fact that she didn’t fancy him, she started to really worry. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, and would lurk around, following her, never letting her move on. As his attentions started to get more and more sinister, Mary Kate had felt as if she’d had no choice but to leave.

But all she really knew now was that she didn’t feel safe when he was near her—and that he seemed to enjoy her being afraid of him. It took all her willpower to pretend she wasn’t affected by his sudden appearance. “Will, you shouldn’t be here at my apartment. You know how people will talk, saying that two unmarried folks shouldn’t be alone like we are.”

“No one saw me come in. And even if someone did, it wouldn’t matter. I’ve been in Sugarcreek a couple of weeks now. Looking and listening. Watching you. Folks have already been talking about you, Mary Katherine.”