Hope Rekindled (13 page)

“What’s wrong, Deborah?” He came up behind her. “Talk to me.”

“I’m not sure I can. I feel . . . so . . . overwhelmed.” She turned and he took hold of her. “I’m afraid. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am.”

“Afraid of what?”

“I don’t feel I can say—not yet. Give me time to sort through my thoughts.”

He touched her face. “Don’t be afraid. We’re together. We can figure this out, one step at a time.”

Deborah wanted to tell him about her fears of motherhood. She wanted to explain that his siblings only served to remind her that a large family would need constant care. She could hardly be working at Christopher’s side as a physician while mothering children. Mill town medicine was too demanding—too bloody. If emergencies came up, as they always did, she would have to be able to move on a moment’s notice. There wouldn’t be time to make arrangements for the children.

“You are fretting, and it’s not necessary. If we love each other and trust God to direct our steps, we needn’t fear our future.”

She knew the truth of what he said—at least in theory. In practice, it was something entirely different, and she wasn’t at all sure how to make the two become one.

Euphanel giggled like a young girl as Arjan led her to the crate on the back of the wagon. “I’m so glad you were able to get two of them.” Peering inside the wagon she was rewarded with a yipping sound.

“Oh, they’re so cute. What fun they will be for the children.”

Arjan nodded and lifted two puppies from the crate and put them on the ground by the wagon. “Folks in Lufkin said they were ten weeks old.” The lumbering little fur balls were part bloodhound and part collie. A strange mix, but it made for a sweet-natured animal with distinctive bloodhound ears and collie nose, coat, and tail.

Reaching down, Euphanel picked up one of the pups. “Oh, they’re so soft.” The puppy licked her face and nuzzled up to her ear as if looking for food. “I’ll bet they’re hungry.”

“Could be. Long trip.” Arjan nodded toward the house. “You want me to fetch somethin’?”

“Well, since we plan to have the children take responsibility, let’s call them out here and let them be surprised. We can instruct them then and the puppies will bond with them more easily.”

“Sounds good.” Arjan headed for the house. “I’ll call them.”

Euphanel put the first puppy down and lifted up the second. “You will be the best kind of healing,” she said, kissing the animal on the nose. This puppy was less excitable and seemed content to just settle into Euphanel’s arms. She checked to see if it was a boy or girl. “Oh, so you’re the little lady. And such a calm disposition.” She glanced down to see that the male pup was already chewing on a piece of wood he’d found.

At the sound of the children approaching, Euphanel put the female on the ground to join her brother. Jonah was the first one to spot the animals. He stared in surprise, coming to a dead stop. Emma saw them next.

“Puppies!”

The three youngest siblings ran forward to take the pups in hand. There was a great deal of squealing, chatter, licking, and yipping as the introductions were made. Euphanel smiled when Jonah asked what their names were.

“I thought maybe you three would like to name them. This is the boy,” she said, pointing to the pup with a splotch of black covering his right eye. “And this is the girl. See, she’s a little smaller and doesn’t have the patch.”

Darcy picked the female up and looked at her seriously. “I knew some folks once that had a dog named Lady. She’s just a puppy now, but do you suppose we could name her a grown-up dog name?”

“Of course. She’ll grow into it. In fact, I was just remarking that she was quite the little lady.”

“I like that name, too,” Emma said, reaching out to take the puppy from her sister. Darcy tried to act like she didn’t mind, but Euphanel thought she looked rather disappointed.

“I know there aren’t three,” she began to tell them, “but two of the barn cats are about to have kittens, so I think you’ll all have plenty of animals to spend time with.”

“I like cats better anyway,” Darcy said.

“We ain’t never had a cat or a dog,” Jonah said, his eyes as big as saucers.

“Never?” Euphanel questioned.

“Mama said we didn’t have enough food for people,” Darcy explained. “We couldn’t be feeding a dog or cat. Mrs. Maynard had a cat and sometimes she came to visit us when the mice were bad.”

Euphanel felt regret for the children who’d grown up in such poverty. “Well, you can definitely help to take care of these animals. They will need a lot of love, and right now I think they’re hungry. At least this little pup is.” She reached out to scratch the male behind the ears. “So what shall we call this little boy?”

“Let’s call him Man,” Jonah said. “ ’Cause we got a Lady and this can be the Man.”

“That’s a silly name,” Darcy said. “Man isn’t a dog’s name.”

Jonah looked crestfallen. “Well, you named Lady. Me and Emma get to name this one.”

“How about Buster?” Emma suggested. “You know like Mama used to call you when you’d get into things you weren’t supposed to?”

Jonah smiled. “Yeah. Buster. I like that—it’ll remind me of Mama.”

Arjan joined them about that time. “Ready for me to put the crate in the barn?”

Euphanel knew the children would want to live in the barn with the puppies, but it was time to explain the rules. “The puppies will live in the barn, and at night we’ll keep them locked up. This way, the wild hogs won’t get them. They can be really mean to animals and people who can’t defend themselves.”

“Can’t the puppies be in our room?” Jonah asked.

Emma looked at Euphanel with great hope. “Please?”

She was ready for this. “No. Cats and dogs stay outside. The only time we let one of the cats inside is when there’s a mouse we can’t catch. You’ll have plenty of time to spend with them, so don’t fret. Right now we’ll let Arjan take the crate for us and you can bring the puppies. After we get them settled, I’ll show you what to feed them and you can come back to the barn with the food.”

The children were quite excited at this prospect and forgot their concern about the puppies not being allowed in the house. Euphanel could only smile at their excitement. Her prayer was that the pups would help them in their grieving process . . . and so far her prayer looked to be answered.

May 1887

T
he first week of May brought gentle hints of summer. After a wet and stormy April, the weather settled and the skies cleared. Even the heaviness of the normally damp air felt less imposing and brought a riot of flowery scents. Deborah loved this colorful time of year, when everything around her seemed alive and vibrant.

“Here’s the last of those roses, Miss Deborah,” Sissy announced, putting two pots on the ground beside her. “Your mama said to tell you she’ll be bringin’ some cookies out for the lil’uns soon.”

Deborah straightened and reached for the first pot. She looked to where Emma had just finished digging the hole. “Are you ready for this one?”

“Yes. You can put it right here, and I’ll pack the dirt around it.”

Working the rosebush from the pot, Deborah maneuvered the plant into the hole. While Emma took care of securing the dirt, Jonah called Deborah’s attention to the hole he’d dug.

“See how deep it is, Miss Deborah?”

She could see he was quite proud of his accomplishment. “It’s very fine. I’m sure this plant will grow strong there.”

“It’s the best I ever dugged,” Jonah said, rubbing his hands together to get some of the dirt off. “I never planted nothin’ before.”

Deborah thought of their life in the city and nodded. “I’m sure there wasn’t much of an opportunity, living in town.”

“Jonah, you’ve got to wash up before you can have something to eat,” Darcy announced. “You too, Emma.”

With the older two boys living at the lumber camp, Darcy took it upon herself to mother and direct Emma and Jonah, assuming the responsibility without it ever being suggested. She seemed to believe that her attention was not only needed, but expected.

She’s so much like me
, Deborah thought for about the hundredth time that day.

“Emma, if you’re done, let’s go wash.” Directing her younger sister to the pump, Darcy helped Emma to get the water started. Jonah joined them, none too happy.

“I don’t like to wash up.”

Deborah smiled as she planted the second rosebush. She tapped down the dirt and dusted off her gloves. Standing, she watched Darcy help Jonah with the towel. They worked well together, and Deborah couldn’t help but admire Darcy’s patience.

“Can we play with the puppies now?” Emma asked, returning to where Deborah was getting to her feet.

“I’m sure that would be fine. Why don’t you bring them up on the porch? That way we’ll be ready when my mother brings out our treats.”

“I’ll help, too!” Jonah’s enthusiasm sent him running for the barn. It was only a matter of seconds before the children came running back, arms full of roly-poly squirming delight.

Emma settled on the porch floor and let her puppy loose. She giggled when the animal climbed back up on her lap and licked her face.

“She sure likes the new puppies,” Darcy said, coming to stand beside Deborah.

“I like them, too,” Deborah admitted. “Don’t you?”

Darcy shrugged. “I like horses better. Do you think we could have a lesson today?”

She looked so hopeful that Deborah couldn’t resist. “Why not?”

Clapping her hands, Darcy all but danced away. “I’ll change my clothes.” She disappeared into the house without another word.

“Lady, stop!” Emma rolled to her side as the puppy held fast to one of her braids. “Lady!”

Jonah giggled hysterically at the sight. “She’s gonna eat your hair.” He turned to find his own pup about to wander down the porch steps. “Come back, Buster.”

He rolled Buster on his back and scratched the pup’s belly. Deborah sat down on the porch steps near Emma. “He definitely likes that,” she told the boy.

Emma finally had Lady interested in something other than her hair. The pup sat calmly, chewing on the tip of the little girl’s well-worn boot. The soles appeared paper thin and the leather was cracked and scuffed.

“We’re going to have to get you another pair of shoes,” Deborah said.

“Mrs. Maynard found them after the fire,” Emma told her.

Deborah frowned. “Were they in the fire?” That would explain a great deal.

“No. They were somebody else’s shoes. They gave them to Mrs. Maynard for me to wear.”

“I see.” Deborah glanced at Jonah’s shoes and saw that they too were hardly worth wearing. “Well, tomorrow we will do what we can to get some new ones. The commissary might still have a few pairs. If not, then we’ll order some.”

“New shoes?” Emma looked at Deborah as if she were speaking another language. “I’ve never had new shoes.”

“No? Well, it’s about time, then.” She smiled at the little girl. It made her feel good to know they could bless the children with a better life.

Mother came out on the porch with Darcy in tow. They carried refreshments and Deborah jumped up to help.

“We’ve got it all under control,” Mother said. “I thought you might enjoy some cookies and milk,” she said to Emma and Jonah.

The puppies were momentarily forgotten as the youngest Kellehers hurried to the table where Mother placed her tray. Darcy in turn added a plate of cookies and smiled.

“I helped bake these this morning,” she announced proudly.

“Then I must have one,” Deborah declared. “Oh, I see you’ve been practicing Mother’s sugar cookie recipe.”

Darcy nodded. “She said it was the easiest of them all. I got to mix the butter and sugar together. Then I added the cream and the eggs.”

“I remember doing that myself,” Deborah told her. “Did you roll out the dough, too?”

“Yes. My mama taught me to roll out crust a long time ago and it was just like that.”

Deborah took up one of the cookies. She sampled it and feigned deep consideration. Darcy regarded her with wide, hopeful eyes. “Yes. It’s as good as any I’ve ever tasted. You are a good teacher, Mother. And you, Miss Darcy, are an excellent student.”

The young girl smiled with pleasure, then helped Jonah reach the cookies and waited for his approval, as well. When he reached to get a second treat, Darcy all but danced a jig. “He must like them.”

“They are very good,” Emma said in a most adultlike manner. She sat back down with her cookie and tears touched the corners of her eyes.

“Are you all right?” Deborah asked.

“I just miss Mama. She sometimes baked us cookies.”

“Not very often,” Darcy said. “We didn’t have enough money for sweets.”

Emma nodded and repeated her sister’s words. “Not very often.”

Darcy came to where Emma sat. “Stop crying. Do you want Miss Euphanel to think we aren’t grateful?”

Emma wiped at her tears while Mother came to sit beside the little girl. “It’s all right. Tears are perfectly fine. Your mama was a good woman and you loved her a great deal—just as I’m sure she loved you. You miss her, and that’s only natural.”

Mother hugged Emma to her side. The child relaxed against her, calming at the maternal touch. Deborah wondered if she would ever be able to offer similar comfort to a child. She did her best to be friendly and loving with the children, but could she really help to mend their hurts the way Mother had always helped to mend hers?

Jonah occupied himself once again with the puppy, while Darcy chose to indulge in another cookie. Deborah caught her mother’s eye and motioned to Emma’s feet.

“We need to get them some new shoes. These were given by neighbors after the fire.”

Mother looked at the pair and nodded. “They look a little too small. Do they pinch your feet?”

Emma nodded. “But they was all we had.”

“I’m sure we can find something else. Tomorrow, we can take the wagon and go into town to see what they have at the store.”

Deborah smiled. “That’s what I told them. I have some money set aside. We can use it and get what we need. Darcy, do you need a new pair, as well?”

The thirteen-year-old pulled up the hem of her dress and nodded. “These are too big.”

The strange-looking brogans were indeed too big. Why hadn’t Deborah or someone noticed it before now? She felt guilty for worrying about how to coexist with Christopher’s siblings instead of truly recognizing their needs.

“We can take care of all of that tomorrow,” Mother said with a smile.

Just then Lizzie came to the door. “I’m ready to pick herbs—Darcy, can you come and keep the twins out of trouble?”

Darcy looked at Deborah. It was clear that she was torn between playing with the babies and having a promised horseback riding lesson. Deborah waved her on. “If you want to help, we can always ride later. Just come find me when you’re done.”

Darcy darted for the door, forgetting all about the cookies. “Let’s go,” she said without so much as a backward glance.

Deborah had to laugh at the child’s enthusiasm. “She certainly enjoys playing with the twins.”

“Indeed. And I know Lizzie appreciates the help. Darcy can keep the children occupied and has more energy than we do,” Mother replied.

“Can we go, too?” Jonah asked.

Mother shrugged and got to her feet. “I don’t know why not. You and Emma, go put the puppies back in their pen, and wait for me by the well. We’ll meet up with Lizzie and the others in just a minute.” Jonah gathered Buster, while Emma wrapped her arms around Lady.

“Hurry, Jonah,” Emma said, bounding down the stairs with her load.

“It takes so little to make them happy. I think of all they’ve gone through, and it amazes me they can find joy at all.” Deborah sighed and looked off toward the mulberry trees.

“You seem troubled.” Mother reached out to touch Deborah’s chin.

Deborah lifted her gaze and met her mother’s worried expression. “I’m really fine. I just feel a little confused. I don’t know how to be a mother.”

“Who has asked you to be one?”

She shrugged. “Well, the little ones need guidance and teaching. They need comfort when they get upset and cry. I feel completely inadequate to do that.”

“But why? You have always had a compassionate heart,” her mother chided. “I’ve never known you to be otherwise. You saw the need for new shoes; I certainly missed that. It’s often the little things that offer comfort or distress. You are seeing to their needs in a practical, tangible way. If I had not been here, you would have offered Emma comfort and a kind word. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Deborah frowned and turned away. “I’m not like you, Mother. I don’t know that I ever will be.”

“What do you mean?”

Emotions threatened to strangle her. Deborah turned. “I don’t know that I could ever be a good mother.”

A gentle breeze blew across the yard, sending a sweet scent on the air, but even this had no calming effect on her spirit. “I try to imagine it,” she continued. “I really do. But how in the world can I help Christopher and be a physician in my own right, plus have children to tend at the same time?”

“Are you saying you don’t want a family?” Mother asked, her tone quite serious. “You do realize you don’t get to decide about that fact. God is the one who creates life. If you marry Christopher, it will be God, not you, who blesses the union with children.”

“Or not. Perhaps I cannot have children,” Deborah replied. “Maybe the feelings I have are for a good reason. Maybe God has never intended for me to give birth to my own babies.”

Her mother looked perplexed. Deborah immediately felt bad for even making such a statement. What was wrong with her anyway? What woman didn’t naturally long to have a family of her own?

I hate the way I am
, she said to herself.
I disgust even myself
.

She turned away and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“There’s nothing wrong in speaking your heart, Deborah. Have I ever taught you otherwise?” Her mother took hold of her once more. “You don’t need to hide your heart from me. I’m not appalled by such a declaration. I’m not troubled that you feel this way. Goodness, child, God has His own way for you. I wouldn’t begin to tell you what that is.”

“I find it hard to consider marriage knowing that Christopher probably wants a family,” Deborah said. “I haven’t had the nerve to even ask him about it. I mean, the fire happened and the children came, and well . . . it just seemed poor timing.”