Hope for Him (Hope Series Book #2) (16 page)

That was not what these victim advocates needed to hear.

"I'm sure people can relate to your story," Jackson said.

"I don't want people to relate to me because I don't feel like I’ve overcome anything."

"How can you say that?" Jackson moved closer to me but stayed on the couch.

"You know how I blacked out the other night, at your teammate’s party?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's not the first time it's happened."

"What happens exactly?"

"There are certain triggers that take my brain back to that time in Josh's room. I don't know when it will happen or how severe the reaction will be. It's scary."

"How do you come out of them?"

"The first time it happened, my mother snapped me out of it." I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around me. "It was her voice. Like the other night, your voice brought me back."

"How bad has it gotten?"

"You remember when Jack was in the hospital at eight months?" He nodded his head. "I thought he wasn't going to make it. I was so upset and felt so guilty, I drove away from the hospital and got in a car accident. I woke up in the hospital bruised and sore, and it felt exactly like the time before. I freaked out and had to be sedated." 

"Carrington. Why didn't you tell me?"

"That was the last time, before the other day."

"What happened that night?"

"It was the sound of the door locking and you had your back to me. That's how it happened with Josh. I called his name several times, but he didn't hear me. When he turned around, he was so angry at me, and I knew instantly I was in trouble."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't think."

I shifted over to the couch and grabbed Jackson's hand.

"It wasn't you, Jackson. How could you know?" I touched his face, pleading with him not to blame himself.  I wasn't sure I could take it. "But you see why I can't talk to those people."

"No, I don't get it."

"Because I haven't figured it out. I don't know what the answer is. If they are trying to get more victims to come forward about their crimes, well, I didn't do that. I had no choice in the matter and when Josh killed himself, it made it a lot easier for me to deal with it. That's not the story these people need to hear."

"Okay, so maybe you don't know what your story is yet because you haven't finished healing from what happened to you."

"Maybe."

"Maybe you should see another therapist?"

"You’re probably right. I think I’ll call my therapist back home and get a referral."

"That's good."

"But I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That coming back here was a huge mistake."

Jackson pulled me into his lap and held me against him. I relaxed and felt the way our bodies connected with each other. I laid my head on his shoulder, and he rubbed my back.

I needed to tell him everything, to get it all out in the open. I didn't have him. At this point, I had nothing to lose.

"Jackson, I came back to Tallahassee to be with you."

Jackson squeezed me tighter against his chest; I felt him grow hard against my hip and both of our breaths increased as I placed my lips on his neck. I shifted to straddle his lap, and he groaned. He reached around and ran a hand under my t-shirt and the contact with his skin brought tears to my eyes. I bit my lip to avoid crying. I wanted him to touch me. I missed his hands on me.

He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my head up in order for me to look at him. Jackson and I had a connection from the moment we met and it had only grown stronger over the last eighteen months. He saw right through me. The problem was, I saw right through him, too. What I wanted to see in his eyes were lust and desire. I saw a little of that on the surface, but deep down, I saw confusion and fear.

His lips grazed mine, but I pushed off his lap and stood up before we made full contact. If his lips had found their mark, no matter my concerns, I didn't think I could stop.

#

J
ackson Latre Mitchell

One minute she was glued to me, cozy on my lap, and the next minute she was gone. I reached for her, but she stood looking down at me with her hands on her hips. Her chest rose and fell at a rapid pace, which matched my own. I wanted her but relief washed over me. I needed to think. I couldn't seem to do that with her chest pressed up against mine and straddled my lap.

My arms fell by my side, and I leaned my head back on the couch and watched her watch me. Neither of us sure what conversation we were supposed to have. Was it the one where we confessed our feelings for each other, or the one where we realized it was not going to work and we needed to try to salvage our friendship? I hoped it wasn't the one where she told me she could no longer be around me and wanted out of my life for good. That brought me back to reality, and I sat up straight.

I reached for her hand and motioned for her to sit next to me. She opened up to me. I needed to do the same.

"Carrington. I'm happy you came back to school. I want you in my life, but I don't know how to do that yet."

"Well, yeah, you already have a girlfriend, so I guess you don't need another one."

"I'm not talking about Tiffany. She is gone as soon as I can find a moment where I can stand being around her enough to tell her."

"Why are you with her if you don't even like her?"

"She’s easy. She doesn't expect anything from me."

"Not like me?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Well, let's face it, Jackson, I'm not exactly a low maintenance kind of girl." She leaned back on the couch. "I mean, I’m still healing and the past keeps popping up at inopportune moments and then there's Jack. I understand. It's a lot to take on."

"Take on. You make it sound like a job assignment."

"It's not easy, and it's not fair."

"What's not fair?"

"You have so much on your plate right now. You’re graduating in a couple of months, you have football, and you have your future to prepare for, which will be a reality in less than eight months. I don't want to complicate your life anymore.” 

"Wow. You have taken all the fun stuff out of a relationship."

She smiled and it softened the tightness in my chest. I leaned back, grabbed her hand, and held it. Intertwined my fingers in hers.

"What's the fun stuff?" she asked.

"Romance, communication, companionship, laughter." I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it. "Sex."

"Oh, yeah, don't forget about sex."

"If my calculations are correct, we have plenty of time to work on all five. Let's not put all these unrealistic expectations and pressure on ourselves. The hard part is over."

"What's the hard part?"

"Deciding that we want to be together." I turned to face her. "You do want to be with me?"

"Yes."

"Good, I want to be with you, too."

"Great."

"Great." I leaned over and kissed her cheek. "We'll work on the rest as it comes along."

"Okay, but I have one request. If we are truly going to have a shot at being together, you have to do one thing for me, sooner rather than later."

"What's that?"

"Break up with your girlfriend."

I left Carrington's house hopeful about our future. The good vibes lasted until I turned on my street and saw Tiffany's car in my driveway. I sat in my car for a good five minutes rehearsing what I was going to say.

I opened the door and headed up the stairs. I found her on the couch curled up under a blanket watching television. She rolled over to watch me walk in. I fixed a smile on my face, but she frowned and faced the television. My throat went dry. I grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the other end of the couch.

She stretched out her feet and laid them on my lap. I set the water down and sat back and waited for the show to finish.

After the next week’s attraction, I hit the off button on the remote and Tiffany sat up. She pulled the blanket up around her neck and waited for me to speak.

From the expression on her face, she knew what I was about to say.

"I'm sorry, Tiffany. I didn't mean for this to happen."

She bit her bottom lip and rocked back and forth.

"For what to happen?" she asked, her voice a whisper.

She wasn't going to make this easy.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Jackson, say it." Her voice gained volume and her tone projected anger, but her face remained neutral.

"Say what?"

"I want to hear you say it." She stood up and paced in front of me. "I want to know why. What does she have that I don't?"

I wanted to say my heart. Carrington had always had my heart. But that wouldn't have gone over well.

"We had some great times together, and I appreciate everything you have done for me. Why can't we just end it? No need to make a big scene."

"End it. You want me to just end it. Pack up my stuff and walk out of here. Forget about the last ten months." She collapsed on the couch. "I love you, and I thought you loved me."

"Tiffany, I care about you."

"No, you love me."

"What do you want me to say? What difference does it make now?"

I put my arm around her, and she pushed me away. My heart was breaking for her. I felt bad that I never felt the same way about her as she did for me. Worse, I didn't realize how much she'd fallen for me.

Or maybe I realized it but didn't care. I felt bad about that, too.

"Tiffany, I didn't mean to hurt you." Maybe she did need to hear it. "But I'm in love with someone else."

Tiffany had a mean streak, but it was worse that she was too hurt to lash out. She cried and sobbed. She clung to me when I tried to hold her, but then pushed me away.

She crawled back onto the corner of my couch and laid a blanket over her. She laid her head back and didn't speak for a half an hour. When I tried to speak, she shushed me and lay there rubbing her temples.

I left her and went into the bathroom to take a shower. Ten minutes later, the bathroom door opened. I pushed the shower curtain aside to find her standing there naked with tears running down her face. I saw something else in her eyes, a look of hope. We'd been at this place so many times before. In the past, her offer of sex was all it took to get me to give in, but this time, I didn't feel the normal pull toward her.

I turned my back on her and turned off the water. I took the towel off the rack, walked past her into my room, and closed the door. I didn't have anything more to say.

After another ten minutes past, I heard the front door slam. When I headed back to the living room, she left a note on the coffee table.

No one will ever love you like I do. Tiff.

It was a simple message. I reread it looking for a hidden meaning to her proclamation. I wasn't sure if my passive-aggressive, sex-smoothed-everything-over, ex-girlfriend had threatened me or not. I tore the note up and threw it away, deciding I probably didn’t need to call the police.

I headed to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I should feel worse about breaking up with Tiffany, but I didn’t. I felt lighter. I wanted to call Carrington but figured I should give it a day or two.

I lasted an hour.

"Jackson?"

Her voice sounded groggy and sexy. The hair on my arms stood up when she said my name.

"Hey. Sorry to wake you."

"No, it's okay. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, everything's good. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"What time is it?"

I held my phone away from my ear to check the time. It was two-thirty in the morning.

"Oh, wow. Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't realize how late it was. Go back to sleep."

She grunted as she moved. I pictured her in her bed wearing my jersey or an FSU tank top, maybe nothing. I shook my head to get the thought out of my head, but it was not an easy feat. It had been a long time since Carrington and I had slept together, but I could recall that night from my memory in a nanosecond. The way her skin felt. The way her hands felt wrapped around me. The way she bit her lip and threw her head back when she lost control. I loved watching her curled up under the covers afterward with a peaceful look on her face, and the fact that as soon as she woke up the next day, she wanted me, again.

"Well, I'm up now." She shifted. "Did you call me baby?"

"What? No."

"Yes, you did. You said ‘Baby, I'm sorry.’"

"Oh wow. I guess I did."

"You realize this is Carrington you are talking to?"

"I know exactly who I'm talking to. The woman who has my heart."

"Jackson, what is going on?"

"This may be highly inappropriate, but when you've waited two years to do something, you kind of don't want to wait another second."

"Do what?"

"Would you like to go out with me on Friday night?” I felt like I was back in high school asking Nicole Blaine, my high school girlfriend out for the first time.

"What?"

"Dinner. You know the meal you have at the end of the day."

"I know what dinner is. Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yeah, it's about time, don't you think?"

"Well, I hate to spoil the mood of this extremely romantic, yet late night gesture, but what would your girlfriend say about that?"

"What girlfriend?"

"Jackson Latre Mitchell, it is way too effing late to be playing word games."

"Okay, so I had a girlfriend, but as of two hours ago, I became a single man."

"Really?" Her voice sounded muffled, but came back clear. "What happened?"

"You really want to hear about this?"

"If you need to talk, yes."

I wasn't sure what to tell her. I didn't want to tell her the truth, but I needed to stop lying to her, too.

"I think we were both holding on to what we had because we didn't want to hurt each other."

"Wow, what a nice guy."

I pulled the phone away from my ear and look at it.

"You don't believe me."

"No."

"Okay, you tell me why we stayed together?"

"Because you're scared to death to go after what you really want." She giggled. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to judge. I have the same problem."