Hooked (34 page)

     “Dad, do you mind if I drive Mary’s car home for them?”

     “No, you go help your mom
,
I’ll drive it home.”

     Crap. 
Double crap.
  This was not going to end well.  First, Mary had come to our house drunk.  Second, she ratted us out talking about me leaving clothes at their apartment and last
,
but not least…
m
y dad wasn’t crazy about Cash anyway.  I watched them leave and slid down the door once I shut it.  This was my entire fault.  I pressured him into having his mom come over and just like he
told me,
it didn’t work out.
  Why did all of this keep happening when
all
I was trying to do was make it work?  Happy Freaking Thanksgiving to Me…

    
I waited and waited and waited.  My dad came home two hours later.  I walked around the corner as he was putting his coat in the closet.

     “We need to talk,” he said as he walked up the stairs towards my room.  I walked in and set my on my bed.

     “Dad, it’s not Cash’s fault.”

     “Millie
,
will you let me talk before you start defending him?”  He stood in front of me with his hands on his hips.

     “How long have you known about Cash’s mom?”

     “Umm, I guess a couple of months.”

     “Millie, that family has many problems
, all of which
,
I tried to avoid when you first met him.  I just spent the last two hours talking to your boyfriend, who by the way
smokes
and this is exactly why I didn’t want you getting involved with him.”

      “Wait a minute, Cash smoked in front of you?”  I asked shocked because he hasn’t smoked in a while.

      “Yeah, I think he was a little stressed.”

      “Dad
,
I know you don’t think he is good enough for me
,
but he is.  I love him
,
” I plead with him because I know Cash is worth it.

      My dad sat down beside me and put his hand on my knee.  “Mil, I know you do
,
but I’m telling you for your own good.  I just spent two hours with the boy and he’s got more going on than a drunken mother.  His life is out of order and I don’t want you
caught up in the middle of it.
”
 
He rubbed his face with his hand and sighed deeply.  “I’ll see what I can do to help them.”

     “What did Cash say?  Was he upset?”

     “He’s mad and embarrassed.  I’m going to look into rehabs for his mom
,
but there is a lot more going on.  I don’t want you to think I wouldn’t try to help someone in need
,
but you being involved with him…I’m sorry
,
but I don’t like it.  Your future is set up for you because of all the hard work your mother and I have done.   I don’t want you getting off track because of some outside influence.  I don’t know where Cash will end up
,
but I know I don’t want you with him.”

     “Daddy, I know how this looks.  I’m very thankful for you and mom, believe me.  Cash treats me well and I know his heart.  I know he is a good guy
,
he just wasn’t as lucky as me in the parent department
,
but I know he will come out of this, he is strong and
smart.  I feel guilty sometimes because I do have it so good.  He has been through so much already, just like you had to go through when you were younger.  You made a good career and family and I know he can too.  He just needs someone in his corner
and I’m sorry dad
,
but that’s me.  You always taught me to help anyone in need if I can.  I won’t turn my back on him just because he doesn’t have the luxury of the life I have.”

     “This is hard for me because you’re right
,
I did teach you that.  It just changes the
outlook when you are involved.
  I love you so
much
,
Millie and I just want the best for you.”

     “I know dad, I love you too.  Thank you for helping him, it means a lot to me.”

     He got up and started walking out my door.  I don’t think he was ready to end the conversation
,
but I knew he wanted to talk to my mom.  “I wouldn’t call him tonight
.
H
e’s got a lot on his plate.  Give him a couple of days to cool off and figure out what he is going to do.”

     “Okay
,
thanks dad.  I mean for everything and especially talking to Cash.”

     He smiled the saddest smile I’ve ever seen and said, “You are welcome pumpkin, sleep well.”

     I got in bed and tossed and turned while giving my dad’s advice a shot.  Cash hadn’t called me and a normal person would probably take that as a sign.  I
,
however with my neurotic personality
,
couldn’t stand it that I didn’t know what he was feeling right now.  I picked up my phone and dialed his number.  He didn’t answer.  I feel just awful because I’m the one who kept telling him it would be alright and it obviously wasn’t.  I should have listened to him.

     Two hours later, I was still awake so I texted him.
 

    
*I’m so sorry.  I miss you and I love you.  Please don’t be upset with me.

    
Twenty minutes later my phone beeped
.

 
  
*I’m sorry too.  I’m not mad at you I just need some time.  I’m pissed right now.  Sorry I didn’t answer but I wouldn’t be good conversation right now.

    
*it’s ok.  We will get through this.  I love you.

    
*No Mil.  “We” won’t get through this.  It’s my problem not yours.  Don’t worry about it please.  I’ll be alright.

    
When I read that text
,
I got so angry I could have thrown my phone across the room.  We’ve been through so much in the time we’ve been together and the one and only time I could actually be there for him
,
he wouldn’t let me.  I didn’t know if I was more angry or sad.  I re-read it and replied.

    
*I’m sorry but I think
you’re
wrong.  “We” are a “we” and I want to go through “your” stuff with you.  Why won’t you let me?  I want to be with you and sometimes it gets tough.  Don’t shut me out please.

    
*I’m sorry Mil but I
gotta
take care of this on my own.  I’m not shutting you out I just
gotta
take care of some things and I don’t want you involved and neither does your dad.  I’ll talk to you later.  I love you.

     Oh
,
no he didn’t!  So
,
I pour my heart out and feel like crap for what?  That’s all he had to say to me?  I decided right then and there that I wasn’t begging him to be
a part
of his life.  When he was ready to talk to me
,
he would.  I’m done always trying to force him to trust me with his problems.  I know he loves me
,
but for some reason his “protecting” me only allows me to be there for him part of the time.  I want to help him
,
but he won’t let me.  I guess that it really doesn’t work out when one person gives everything and the other only wants you when things are going good.

     I couldn’t sleep after that
,
so instead of responding to his last text
,
I got online for a while.  I sat there looking at my friend
’
s pictures and posts that were funny and happy.
  I didn’t understand why I didn’t have that.  I knew Cash was the one for me
,
but why do I feel sad half of the time when his problems pop up?  Why could I not break that barrier with him?  I knew he loved me
,
but he wouldn’t depend on me.  I should have listened to my dad and never called him.  I pressured him and he bailed.

CHAPTER
1
8

     My whole weekend sucked.  I felt horrible and moped around the house pretty much the entire time. 
I went two full days without a word from Cash.  I thought about calling him again a million times, but decided that he would contact me when he was ready.  I wasn’t certain of what was going on with him and it saddened me a little bit that he could function without me.  I know that it’s not really healthy to be like that with someone, but it makes me feel less important that he doesn’t need me at a time like this. 
Finally, on Sunday
,
Cash called me.

     “Hey.”

     “Hey.”

     “I’m sorry I haven’t called before today
,
but I’ve had a lot going on.”

    
“
Mmm
.”

     “Look, can you come over for a little bit?  I’d like to see you.”

     I sat there and thought about it.  I could be a brat and do him like he had done me.  Then, I thought about how miserable I had been since Thursday.  I didn’t really go out much except for Friday afternoon.  Jess and I went to Cara’s.  We hung out for most of
the afternoon
,
but I think they could tell I wasn’t really feeling it.  I hadn’t stopped thinking about Cash for one minute.

     “Yeah ok
ay,
I’ll be there in a minute.”

     “Thanks, be careful, I love you.”

     “Bye
.
”
I hung up not saying I love you because I was still mad and I wanted him to feel a little of what I had.  When I thought about it, it was mean.  I shouldn’t have done it for spite
,
but I did.

      When I got to his apartment
,
he opened the door before I could knock.  He stood there and stared at me for a minute.  I looked at him and he l
ooked awful.  His hair was disheveled
and he hadn’t shaved.  His eyes had dark circles under them and his shirt was wrinkled like he had slept in it.

      He stepped forward and hugged me.  “Baby
,
I’m so sorry.  I don’t want to ever see you look at me like that again.”

     “Like what?” I said hugging him back.

     “Just now, when I opened the door, you looked at me like you are disappointed in me.”

     I pulled myself away from him and walked inside.  I turned and faced him once he shut the door.  “I guess
,
I kind of am.” 

    
He hung his head at my words.  I could tell they cut him deep.  He ran a hand through his hair and then started wringing his hands.  I was a little shocked that he looked so scared.

     “What can I do to make this better?  I’ve been really busy trying to get my mom into this rehab and they wanted some money up front
,
so I had to go to the bank and--”

    
“Your mom went to rehab?”  I interrupted him.

     “Yes, that’s why I wanted to see you.  I’m sorry I haven’t really included you
,
but it was a very personal thing for her and she already felt bad enough after everything that happened.  I’ve been trying to get her settled.”

     I hated that he was always going through t
hings like
this.  He was only a senior in h
igh
s
chool
and had already faced things some people wouldn’t in a life time.  I was still upset with him that he didn’t include me
,
but somehow when I realized he was looking out for his mom’s feelings
,
it didn’t hurt as much.  I only thought about him
not letting me in on his problems from my perspective.  I hadn’t even thought about him trying to protect his mom or be there for her.  I guess I just wanted us to do it together.  I still
don’t understand why he can’t let me in so that I can help him instead of always keeping me out and then apologizing for it later.  I need him to understand why I feel this way.