Hooked (9 page)

I've Inherited the Good Stuff

When Mary-Rose was growing up, her parents—preoccupied with their addictions to work and alcohol—ignored her most of the time. It made her sad, but also turned her into a more resilient, independent person.

Me, alone

When I was little, I was alone a lot. My mom worked at an insurance company, and work was really important to her. She spent so much time in the office you could say she was a workaholic. My parents fought a lot and eventually split up when I was ten. After that, my mom ended up marrying her boss, and I think she felt like she had to work extra hard to prove that she wasn't just getting promotions because she was married to him. She also liked to have nice things, so it was important for her to make money so she could afford them. That made me mad sometimes, because I felt like expensive stuff was more important to her than I was. My dad, meanwhile, was an alcoholic, just like his dad was when he was a kid. As far back as I can remember, he drank a lot and would often come home late at night from the bar.

So that's me: Mary-Rose, sitting on the couch waiting for Mom to come home from work and Dad to come home from the bar. I look back and I see myself looking at the clock thinking,
Great, they're an hour late again
. We ate dinner late a lot, and I was always hungry. Sometimes it was so late that I would lose my appetite altogether. There was also the anxiety that came with not knowing what my dad would be like when he did come home. Sometimes he was angry when he was drunk, but sometimes he was affectionate too.

Embarrassed by Dad

I have a brother too, Erik. He's a lot younger than me, and when we were both little I helped to take care of him and would feed him his bottle in the mornings. But when we got a bit older, he was a lot less shy than I was. So while I was spending time at home alone, he was usually out with friends. But I was never very social, partly because I felt ashamed a lot of the time, so it was easier not to be with people. I knew from being in other families' homes that most parents didn't argue the way my parents did. And my dad acted in ways that embarrassed me a lot of the time. He was always the guy who got drunk at family gatherings, for instance.

I remember one time when I was in ninth grade and my dad was supposed to pick my friend Katy and me up from a school dance. It was a Friday night, and normally my dad drank on Friday nights, but this time he had promised not to. But when he showed up, I knew right away he'd broken his promise. So the whole ride home, I kept talking loud and fast so that my dad wouldn't open his mouth. I knew that if he did, Katy would smell his breath. I probably should have been worried that he would crash the car, but I was way more afraid that my friend would find out that my dad was a drunk. After that, I never went to a school dance again.

Ignored and neglected

My dad's drinking definitely got worse after my parents split up, but there were some bad times before then too. Once, I had to go to the doctor's because I had plantar warts on my feet. And anyone who has had plantar warts knows that they can be really, really painful. Mine were. And I had to have them burnt off, so it hurt to walk afterward. So there I was, sitting at the doctor's office waiting for my mom to pick me up, but she never came; she was so busy at work that she forgot. My dad didn't come either, and I ended up having to walk all the way home, balancing on the sides of my feet so that my soles wouldn't touch the ground because it hurt too much.

Affectionate drunk dad

The thing is, though, it wasn't always bad. Like I said, sometimes my dad was very affectionate and friendly when he was drunk. And in some ways, I never got as mad at him as I did at my mom. I think the reason I felt that way was because everybody knows that alcoholism is a bad thing, but a lot of people don't even realize workaholism exists.

After all, a lot of people get addicted to alcohol, and supposedly they can't really help it. It's like a medical condition—out of your control. So I could sort of understand that someone would choose alcohol over me. But I couldn't understand why my mom would choose work over me.

There is no generally accepted medical definition of
workaholism
, but it undoubtedly exists. A workaholic is someone who is addicted to work, and this is very different from someone who simply “works hard.” Workaholics will log an extraordinary number of hours, and will often put work ahead of every other commitment
in their lives.

Sometimes when my dad was drunk, he would talk to me like I was a grown-up. I know that probably isn't the best thing for a kid, but at the time I really liked it. It made me feel mature. He was a journalist, and he would come home from work and drink and tell me about his problems with his coworkers and ask me what I thought about big issues, things like the death penalty and abortion. It felt special to talk about those things with my dad.

He relied on me a lot too—especially when I was ten or eleven, around the time I started going back and forth between my parents' houses. He would ask me how to operate the washer and dryer, and how to cook rice, and things like that. I didn't always know the answer, because I was little, but I wanted to help him, so I always did my best to figure it out. Sometimes he would complain about money, and I would slip some of my allowance dollars back into the pocket of his jeans. I think I did all that stuff because I felt like I was helping my dad to be less depressed and sad about the fact that my mom had left him. I even read over some of his articles for him, which also made me feel special and grown-up.

So that was the affectionate drunk dad. He was the one who would talk to me and look to me for help.

Angry drunk dad

Then there was the angry drunk dad. He was the one who locked my cat out of the house once when it was raining, when I was eleven. That was shortly after my parents split up, and my dad was feeling argumentative and depressed a lot of the time. I loved Cissy and used to take pictures of her and draw hearts around the frames. So she was outside meowing in the rain, but my dad wouldn't allow me to let her in. After that, I took my pictures of Cissy to all our neighbors' doors to ask if they'd seen her, but she never turned up. And the saddest part is it made perfect sense to me that the cat would leave. Because if my father would rather be drinking than spending time with me, and my mother would rather be at work than spending time with me, of course Cissy would rather be somewhere other than with me. It was a super, super sad time in my life, and I cried a lot over the next few weeks. By then my mother had gotten married to her boss, and I remember him saying to her, “You have to do something about this. She's depressed. She shouldn't be eleven years old and depressed.”

Sometimes it's better to be ignored

My mom didn't help matters, though. She wasn't very nurturing and didn't appreciate how sensitive I was. I remember a time, shortly after Cissy went missing, that my mom and I were out shopping together. I was in such a good mood that I said to her, “Nothing could ruin this mood!”

“I bet I could ruin it with one word,” she said.

Sure enough, she only had to say one word:
Cissy
. I just cried my eyes out after that. That was uncharacteristically mean of my mom, though. If anything, she just ignored me most of the time.

How I coped

As you can probably imagine, it was really important to me that my parents notice me. I tried hard to win their love and attention by being good. I couldn't wait for report card day, because I'd have this piece of paper that would prove to them what a fantastic job I was doing. I was usually disappointed, though, because they would just say, “Good job, Mary-Rose, another great report card.” They were never as surprised or pleased as I wanted them to be. So I tried other things instead. I volunteered everywhere. I did bookkeeping at my church when I was just fourteen. I organized clothing drives for orphanages in China. I was part of every walkathon and coin drive—you name it!

My brother was different. He tried to get our parents to notice him by acting out. He experimented with drugs and drinking and became really belligerent. He was always getting into trouble from a really young age—and still is.

How it helped me

No matter what my brother or I did, neither of our parents ever really paid attention to us. They were both too busy with their addictions to work and booze. But the thing is, all this stuff made me stronger in some ways. Even though my parents didn't always notice it, I did really well in school and became very well-educated. Ever since I was little, teachers have liked me.

Because I worked so hard in school, I got into an excellent university, and was able to start my own business. And as a teenager I had the guts to go on all sorts of great adventures. I went to India and taught English in a women's shelter there. I went to Europe and saw famous works of art. I was able to do all that because I had to take care of myself when I was little, and those were amazing experiences for me. But it's still really important to me that people understand that I love my parents, despite the things they did wrong.

I recently went out for lunch with my dad and he told me that the thing he regrets most in life is that his marriage to my mom ended and the family was broken. He continues to drink and he'll sometimes call me when he's been drinking, but we have a pretty good relationship now. I still feel closer to him than I do to my mom. Interestingly, my mother has also acquired a fondness for wine in her later years, and will drink too much and say hurtful things like she used to. There's part of me that's afraid I could somehow become her without meaning to. I think that's why I have yet to have kids of my own. But I think mostly I've inherited the good stuff from her: the confidence and professionalism and determination.

Common Questions

Dr. Dennis Kimberley is a professor of social work at Memorial University, where he teaches courses on addictions treatment, child abuse, and human growth and development. He has more than forty years of experience in addiction therapy and child protection.

Q: I have a family member who sometimes behaves like some
of the people described in this book, but I'm not sure if
(s)he is an addict. How can I tell?

A:
One of the first signs of addiction is that a family member is not taking on the roles and responsibilities that are expected of him or her given his or her age, stage, and situation. Instead, other family members—sometimes kids as young as four—are taking on those jobs. So if you find yourself performing tasks (like grocery shopping or cooking) that adults are performing in other households, addiction may have something to do with it. Sometimes, this gets to a point where a child is actually looking after the parent! That's called “parentification.”

Anger, aggression, or withdrawal can also be signs of addiction. For instance, if a family member gets angry with you when tasks aren't completed, or blames you for their problems, addiction may be a contributing factor. Many addicts end up resenting their family members for completing the tasks they should be responsible for. So on the one hand, addicts often force their kids to take on more responsibility, but on the other hand, they don't like feeling as though their children are more powerful than they are.

Finally, addiction often leads to changes in a family member's ability to function outside the home. Addicts may behave strangely at work, in the community, or at social functions. This will often make those around them feel scared or embarrassed.

Q: Is my parent's addiction my fault?

A:
It's very common for children to feel as though a parent's addiction has something to do with them. This is especially true of children who feel they are somehow unusual or high-maintenance. And even if they don't feel responsible for causing their parent's addiction, they may feel responsible for failing to make it go away. So feelings of guilt are not unusual, but that doesn't make them justified. Your parent's addiction is not your fault. Parents are the adults; it's their job to take care of you, not vice versa. It's their job—not yours—to make responsible decisions for themselves, you, and the family.

Q: Why are only some types of addiction against the law?

A:
There is no simple answer to this question, and it's something that the people in charge of making laws are always grappling with. Part of the reason not every addictive substance is illegal is because it would cost too much money to prevent them all from being sold. Keeping illegal drugs off the streets is a very expensive thing for governments to do … and the more illegal drugs there are, the more it costs. Another reason some drugs aren't illegal is because governments want to be able to control the way they're distributed. For example, if cough syrup were against the law, some people might be more likely to use it in unsafe ways just for the thrill. But because it's legal, and sold in pharmacies, people are more likely to read the label and ask a doctor how to use it safely.

Q: Sometimes my family member is scary and violent when
(s)he's drunk. What should I do when this happens?

A:
If your parent (or any other family member) ever makes you feel unsafe, get help. Go and talk to somebody you trust to look out for you (like a grandparent) or contact your local child protection services (through a kids' help line). You might also feel comfortable talking to a teacher or a family friend. Extended family members may try to bury the problem or hide it. If you find this happening, it may be better to go to someone outside your family for help. Whatever you do, don't try to manage your family member's aggression on your own. You're likely to put yourself in danger. And don't be surprised if witnessing your family member's aggression leaves a mark on you. Studies have shown that even if you're not the victim of aggression, seeing violence happen can be very damaging. For some people, experiencing or observing violence can lead to nightmares, sleeplessness, feeling numb and disconnected, or living your life as if you're always on high alert. If this sounds familiar to you, again, seek help. Find an adult you trust to talk to.