Homecoming (57 page)

Jill nodded absently. “Sure. But I feel like I should buy them something for being so welcoming. Is there anything they need?”

“Need? Sure. Lots of things. But they wouldn’t like that. You’re one of us now. So go along with the program.”

“Are you sure? Matching sweaters? Fruit of the month? A year’s supply of Pepsi?”

Lizzie laughed. “My mom would love not having to lug soda home, but no, we don’t do that. I’d really rather you just fit in with the group, unless this really means something to you.”

“I can restrain myself, but I can’t guarantee I won’t drag you down there some weekend and take them over to Brattleboro for a nice dinner.”

“Okay, Ms. Moneybags. I’ll give you that one. They’d like it too. They don’t spend money on dinner out very often.”

“Then we’re set. I never would have guessed that Christmas in a big family would be such a breeze.”

“I know!” Lizzie sat up and slapped at the bed. “We’ll buy a ham and roast it here. My mother would love not to have to juggle getting a ham and a turkey done on the same day.”

“Done. I’ll go buy the biggest one I can find.”

Lizzie lay down and placed a long kiss on Jill’s lips. “Thanks for helping me think of that. Adding a little new blood to the family’s going to shake us up. And I
love
being shaken up.”

***

A week before Christmas, Jill came home after attending a Christmas concert at the U with Mary Beth and Kathleen. As usual, she stopped in the kitchen to take a peek at the mail lying on the counter. Before she could begin, Lizzie walked into the kitchen already in her pajamas. “Hi. Good concert?”

“Good enough. Would have been better with you there, but Hollyhock Hills seems intent on working you to death.” Jill took off her scarf and mittens, then started to unzip her coat. “What’s up? Are you feeling okay?” She dropped her coat onto a stool and moved over to put her hands on Lizzie’s face, then tilted it up towards the light.

“I’m fine,” she said, allowing the inspection. “Well, I’m not fine, but I’m well.”

“Translation?” Jill asked, gazing into her eyes with concern.

“I texted Grace a couple of days ago, asking what she wanted for Christmas. She didn’t respond, so I called her today.” Her features contorted, the pain in her heart revealing itself on her face. “My number was blocked.”

“What? Why would she…?”

“I called Mark and eventually harassed him into telling me.” She bit at her lip, clearly to stop herself from crying. After a few seconds to get her emotions under control, she said, “Lisa told her she wasn’t allowed to talk to me anymore.”

“Oh, God.” Jill shut her eyes hard, reeling from the implications. “Because you’re with me.”

“Because I’m with a woman. I assume she thinks I’ll drag her into the cult. You know. The way we recruit.”

“God damn it, Lizzie.” She put her arms around her and held her tightly as Lizzie lost control and started to cry.

“Why are people so mean? Grace and I are close. Until that kid was in school, I spent a few hours with her every single day. God damn it, I’m no different now than I was three months ago. Than I was seventeen years ago!” She pulled away and looked up, her pain so evident it was like a punch to the gut. “But I’m happy now. Is that what Lisa really hates? That I’ve found love?”

“I don’t know,” Jill murmured, pressing Lizzie’s head against her breast. The boys walked into the kitchen, wandered around aimlessly for a minute, then both jumped onto the counter. David pranced over and stuck his face against them, then Goliath started to rub against Jill’s arm. “The boys don’t like it when you’re sad,” she murmured.

“I don’t like it either, boys.” Lizzie lowered her face, letting David nuzzle into it. “But I feel better knowing my whole little family cares for me.”

“We all do. Especially me,” Jill said, holding on even tighter. If only there were a way to protect her family from small-minded jerks, her life would be perfect.

***

Jill’s winter break started on Monday, and as soon as Lizzie left for work, she drove by the coffee shop in Lizzie’s old neighborhood, got a big cup to go, and started for Sugar Hill. The normal two and a half hour trip was going to take much longer, due to the snow that was coming down just hard enough to limit visibility. But that was fine. It would give her longer to work herself into a lather.

In her fantasies, she grabbed Lisa by the shoulders and shook her so hard the obviously broken parts of her humanity snapped back into place, rendering her a decent person. It was kind of fun to picture her head whipping around like a rag doll’s, but she knew nothing even close to that could happen. For one thing, she wasn’t going to see Lisa. You couldn’t make a complete jerk into an empathetic person. You had to have some raw material to work with, and Lisa was as emotionally arid as Jill’s mother. Her only hope was to kick some sense into Mark.

Her first stop was the Davis house, looking a little magical with snow covering the roof and providing a fluffy-looking topping on all of the evergreens that fronted the house. She hadn’t called first, not absolutely sure she’d stop by. But on the drive she’d decided she needed some support, and Janet was just the person to give that to her.

After knocking, Jill waited in the gusty wind for the door to open. “Hold on,” Janet called out. As she opened the door, she stared at Jill for a second. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She leaned over and brushed the snow from her hair and the shoulders of her coat, then walked inside. “I came down to talk to Mark.” As she slipped out of her coat, she told the real truth. “Actually, I came down to kick his butt, but I thought I’d better talk to you first.”

Janet took her arm and led her into the kitchen. “Cocoa or tea or coffee?”

“Cocoa?” Jill’s eyebrow rose.

“Mint flavored. It’s addictive, but…what the hell?”

“Set me up. Should I have a shot of something in it to steel my nerves?” She looked at her watch. “It’s nearly eleven.”

“I can give you beer. How does that sound?” She walked over to the stove, laughing at her joke as she put some water in the tea kettle before turning on the burner.

“Lizzie called me to tell me about Lisa’s edict,” Janet said. “I stormed over to Mark’s shop so fiercely I left divots in the turf. But the little jerk wouldn’t say a word. He absolutely stonewalled me!”

“Little jerk?” Jill’s brows hiked up. “I’ve never heard you talk about one of the kids that way.”

She came back to the table and put her hand on Jill’s shoulder. There was a faraway expression on her face as she said, “I’ve never been this angry with one of them. I try to protect Mike from all of this drama, since his emphysema gets worse when he’s agitated, but I think I have to bring him in. Maybe he can reason with the kid.”

“I thought Mark was making progress,” Jill said, watching Janet move back to the stove to monitor the kettle.

“So did I.” She shrugged. “Maybe I was just hoping we weren’t throwing away money we don’t have to waste.” Her expression turned grim. “Lisa’s always going to run his life, so it almost doesn’t matter what he thinks, does it.” She took a mug, added some chocolate powder and poured boiling water over it. As she stirred the drink, she added, “It’s awful to lose respect for one of your kids. Just awful.”

When she put the mug down, Jill tucked an arm around her waist and gave her a hug. “I bet it is. I’ve had to reassess what he and I had growing up. For so many years, he was my rock. I was sure he’d always be there for me. That we’d be friends until the end. But he dropped me like a bad habit when Lisa told him to. I rationalized that then, but now…”

Janet sat down across from Jill, her glum expression muting whatever Christmas spirit she’d been able to manage. “I gave him a lot of room when that happened. I knew he was really struggling when you told him you’d never be his—”

“I never told him that!” Jill shivered as she took a drink of the hot, delicious cocoa. “I told him I was with a woman and that I was probably gay. I
never
thought he considered me his girlfriend.”

“You two were a pair,” Janet said, smirking as she shook her head. “He thought you were already his. I know he did. And you just wanted to find a nice girl, but you didn’t know how.”

“I’ll admit I was clueless,” Jill said. “But did he notice we never kissed? Not once? I like a little more connection with my romantic partners.”

“I think he assumed that would come over time. That you were…” She frowned and shook her head. “I can’t guess what he thought. But it was screwed up, whatever it was.”

“I’d say so. He knew…he
saw
me making out with other guys in high school. Wasn’t that a clue we weren’t together?”

“I think he was waiting for you to get that out of your system and realize he was the best choice. I don’t think he’s ever asked a girl out, Jill. Lisa was over here as soon as he got home from the U after graduation, throwing herself at him.”

“And you think he took her just because she was here?”

She nodded decisively. “I do. He realized he couldn’t have you, so he took what was offered. The fact that she agreed you were a terrible person probably made him feel like he had an ally.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” Jill said as she took another sip. She held the mug up. “How do you stop yourself from drinking that whole box at once?”

“I’ve already had two mugs today. If caffeine didn’t give me the shakes, it’d be gone in a day.”

The drink really was delicious, but even its ambrosial sweetness didn’t quell Jill’s sour feelings. “I feel like a jerk for pushing Lizzie to tell everyone we were together. If I’d kept my mouth shut, the family would all be here for Christmas.”

“Nonsense. That’s utter nonsense. Lizzie’s not the type to sneak around. And God knows she wouldn’t want to be here without you.”

“True. But…” She folded her arms on the table and lay her head on them, like a disappointed child. “At least now I understand why she didn’t want to come out as bisexual. She was trying to put this kind of thing off for as long as she could.”

Janet looked at her for a minute, a puzzled expression on her face. “Do you really think that’s… Is bisexuality a real category? I’ve always thought it was just something gay men claimed when they didn’t want people to know they were gay. Sort of a placeholder while they worked up the nerve to come out.”

“It’s definitely a category. And Lizzie’s definitely a member.”

“So you don’t think she’s gay, and just afraid to say so? That’s been worrying me. I hope we’ve never done anything to make her feel it wasn’t safe to be herself.”

Jill let out a wry laugh. “I think it’s easier for people to understand homosexuality, so, no, I don’t think this is an easy way out for her.”

“I know almost nothing about this, Jill. Do you think I should ask Lizzie about it, or find a book or something.”

“Both might be good,” Jill said, thinking that over for a second. “I have a friend who teaches gender studies. I’ll ask her for a good reference.”

Concern filled Janet's expression. “You’re not worried about this, are you?”

“I’m not. Lizzie’s simply able to love both men and women. Luckily, she’s chosen me.”

Janet reached over and patted Jill’s cheek. “She couldn’t resist her first crush.”

“That might have been what drew her to me at first,” Jill admitted, “but that went away quickly. Now I know she loves the adult me—who I am now.”

“You don’t have a single doubt about her, do you?” Janet asked, reaching over to grasp Jill’s hand and squeeze it.

“Not one. I’ve never felt more loved.”

“Best idea I’ve ever had was inviting you to that party,” she said, smirking. “I love being a matchmaker. Even inadvertently.”

“You know I agree, but now I’ve got to go see someone who definitely doesn’t. Do you have any advice? I can say things you never would, since I don’t care if we ever speak again.”

“I wish I knew,” Janet said, clearly at a loss. “I guess I’d like it if you could remind him of who he used to be. He was the most kind-hearted of all of my boys, but he truly seems to have lost his way.”

“That sounds right. He’s taken a wrong turn and can’t find his way back.”

***

There were customers at Mark’s shop when Jill opened the side door and walked in. He started visibly when he caught sight of her, but didn’t acknowledge her presence. She wandered around the shop while he handled his customers, a pair who seemed more interested in talking about smithing than buying anything. After a long while, the wife dragged her husband out, even though it was clear he would have been happy to spend the day.

Mark looked at the door longingly, like he wanted to jump into the departing car and take off.

Jill walked over to stand right in front of him. She didn’t fear him any longer, but decided to be close enough to grab one of his heavy hammers in case he started acting crazy again.

“I thought maybe I’d get an apology,” she said, realizing she hadn’t let the incident go—at all. “You scared the hell out of me and left bruises on my arm.”

“You know I’m sorry,” he grumbled. Turning, he went over to the bigger of his workbenches, placed a rough-looking metal piece in a vise, and started smoothing it down with a file. Metal slivers flew from the piece, giving the small room a metallic tang. “If I wasn’t sorry I wouldn’t let my mother coerce me into driving over to Brattleboro twice a week to tell my darkest secrets to some stranger.”

“I guess I’ll take that as an apology. It’s lame, but…”

“Yeah, I know,” he snapped. “I’m lame too. What more do you expect from me?”

She stood still for a few seconds, watching him. He looked angry, but this time he wasn’t directing that anger at her. This time it seemed like he was angry with himself. The file raked across the metal, sounding uncomfortably like a slow-moving drill in a dentist’s office.

“What did I do to you?” she asked, once again getting in front of him so he couldn’t look away. “You were the best friend I’d ever had, Mark. I know that wasn’t just my imagination. We were closer than siblings.”