Home Sweet Home (23 page)

“I had some help.” From Madison. While Nate had made them spaghetti.

“You could have given up.”

“No, Grandma. You wanted me to help you make it. I couldn’t have given up.”

“I’ve wanted you to do a lot of things, honey. But you’ve always moved to the beat of your own drummer.”

Andi blew out a breath. “Look, I figured if a blue-haired retiree could figure it out, so could I.” Knowing how terribly judgmental that was considering all of the wonderful knitters she had met in the past two weeks, Andi said, “That isn’t fair. I take it back. All I’m saying is that I’ve accomplished some really difficult things in my career. I couldn’t stand the thought of a sweater being the thing that broke me.”

“But it didn’t break you, did it?”

Andi looked down at the partially—perfectly—finished sweater on her lap and found another smile. “Not even close.”

Suddenly Andi remembered the conversation she’d had with Madison about giving up knitting when she was a girl.

“I’m not good at knitting because I quit too young. I got frustrated, and instead of working through it, I told myself it was stupid…I told myself I didn’t like it. And you know what I wish?”

“You wish you hadn’t totally lied to yourself.”

Andi had thought she was only talking about knitting. But she wasn’t. She saw that now. She hadn’t just lied to herself about her reasons for quitting knitting, she’d also lied to herself about her reasons for leaving Emerald Lake—and her family, too.

She’d always loved both the town and the people in it, but she’d been afraid they wouldn’t love her back.

So she’d run.

“Pull out one of your hairs, honey. A long one.”

Andi frowned. “What? Why?”

Her grandmother didn’t reply, she simply waited for Andi to do as she asked. Andi reached into her hair and separated it until she was holding one long strand. It came out with a quick tug, probably nine inches long.

“Wrap that hair around the blue yarn.”

Still not understanding what was going on, Andi did as her grandmother directed.

“Now knit a row.”

Even though she was still wondering what was going on, Andi followed Evelyn’s directions once more. Her grandmother didn’t say anything else until she made it to the end of the row.

“There’s a knitting superstition that if you knit one of your own hairs into a garment it will bind the recipient to you forever.”

Andi had never believed in superstition, only what she could see with her own eyes, only what she could hold in her two hands. So then why were chills running through her?

“But I’m already bound to you, Grandma.”

“We both know you haven’t been making this sweater for me. Just as we both know you’re strong enough for any challenges that come your way.”

Her grandmother was right about one thing at least. Every stitch Andi had made had been for Nate.

“Do you remember the story I was telling you about my first love?”

“Carlos. You were making him a sweater.” Andi suddenly remembered something else. “That first day I was home in the store you told me it was a Fair Isle, didn’t you?”

“Yes, honey, it was. That very pattern you’ve been working on actually.” Evelyn’s eyes grew cloudy with memories. “Our first kiss was on the carousel on the chariot behind the matched pair.”

“So that’s why you love the carousel so much?” Andi said softly. “What did he say when you gave him the sweater, Grandma? Did he like it?”

Evelyn’s light blue eyes flashed with pain. “I never got the chance to give it to him.”

“What happened, Grandma? You loved him, didn’t you? Didn’t he love you back?”

“Yes, honey, he loved me. So much that he left only hours before I was going to give him the sweater, before I could tell him I’d made my choice to be with him, no matter the struggles ahead of us.”

“But if he’d really loved you wouldn’t he have stayed? Wouldn’t he have given you the chance to choose him?”

Evelyn sighed. “I’ve thought about that question for seventy years. And I still don’t know what the right answer is. Until Carlos, I thought love was all fun and kisses. And then I learned about his past and thought I was in way over my head.”

“What kind of past? Was he a criminal on the run?”

Her grandmother laughed, but it quickly fell away. “No, honey. Before Carlos came here to work for my father, he lost everything in a fire. His wife and son. His business.”

Andi’s hand moved over her grandmother’s. “That’s horrible.” And not all that different from what Nate had dealt with ten years ago. “So Carlos came to the lake to start over?”

“No. I don’t think so. I think he came just to try and figure out how to make it through another day.”

“And then he met you.” Andi squeezed Evelyn’s hand. “What a light you must have been for him.”

“Do you know, honey, that’s exactly what he said to me. That I was the light in his dark world.” Evelyn looked down at the lace veil in her hands. “But I was so afraid, honey. So afraid that I’d fail him. So painfully aware of the two different worlds that we lived in.”

“I know exactly how you must have felt,” Andi murmured softly.

“I never said those words to him, but he knew me well enough to look into my eyes and see the truth of my feelings. The morning after he told me everything on the carousel, he was gone.”

“He left without saying good-bye? How could he have done that to you? Especially if he loved you, too?”

“Because he saw me for exactly what I was: a young, frightened girl.”

“You would have learned how to be strong, Grandma. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.”

Andi suddenly wondered why she’d never seen the strength in her mother and grandmother so clearly until now.

“I waited for him, honey. Waited even when my mother tried to convince me that it was all for the best. Waited even when my father tried to threaten me into marrying Arthur. I wrote letters and never heard back. And I knit. Every free moment I had was spent with needles and yarn. Knitting was the only way I could stay even the slightest bit sane. And you’re right, somewhere in all that stubborn waiting and knitting, I grew strong. And knew that if I ever got the chance to get love right, I wouldn’t quit until I’d loved with everything in me, I wouldn’t give up because I was afraid or because I didn’t think I was strong enough. I would just love.”

Despite the fact that she was pretty sure she already knew the answer, Andi had to ask, “What happened to him, Grandma?”

“I scoured the casualty list in the newspaper every week for his name, but I knew he wouldn’t be on it. Until the day that I knew he was.” Her grandmother’s eyes had never looked so sad. “Carlos was killed in active duty.”

“That’s just so awful. So unfair. I wish you’d never gone through any of that, Grandma.”

“Oh no, honey, even knowing how it ended, I would have done it anyway. I would have loved Carlos.” She squeezed Andi’s hand, surprising her with a smile. “But don’t worry, I loved your grandfather, too. Strong and true.”

Andi was afraid her grandmother was only saying that because it was what she wanted to hear.

Obviously reading her mind, Evelyn said, “At first it was a different kind of love. Your grandfather went to fight in the war, too, enlisting not long after Carlos. All through those years that they were gone, I found solace in knitting for the war effort. That was when Lake Yarns first became a reality.”

“But I thought you didn’t open the store until the fifties?”

“Oh, I wasn’t anywhere near having a fancy shop back then, not until after I’d had your mother and she started school, but that didn’t stop me and your aunts and my friends from meeting every Monday night in my bedroom to knit.”

Andi quickly did the math and realized the Monday night knitting group had been around even longer than the store. Seven decades.

Amazing.

“When Arthur finally returned from the war, I was still grieving over Carlos, but even then I could see that your grandfather had left a boy and come back a man. Just as I’d been a girl when he left, and he’d returned to a woman. I think he’d always been a little bit in love with me, only now he was confident enough to prove it to me. I kept trying to push him away, but he was there with flowers and laughter and kisses. Oh, they were wonderful kisses, Andi.”

Her grandmother smiled a secret smile that Andi wasn’t sure she’d ever seen before. Or if she had, she hadn’t understood it.

“But what about Carlos? Weren’t you still in love with him?”

“You wouldn’t believe how long I spent telling myself that I couldn’t possibly love Arthur because I’d already given my heart away. It took Arthur never giving up on loving me for one single second for me to see that loving Carlos had actually opened up my heart so that I could love Arthur fully and completely. If not for Carlos, I might have spent my whole life running scared from love.”

But Andi still had to know. “What happened to the sweater you made for Carlos, Grandma?”

“At first, I held onto it because it was my only true link to him. But then after he died, it wasn’t something I could give away to anyone else. Especially not your grandfather.” Her grandmother gave her a small smile. “I thought about unraveling it a thousand times, but I just couldn’t. Because first loves are something special. And even though I found love again with your grandfather, I still believe that if you can make that first love work, you should give it everything you’ve got.”

Evelyn’s words rocked through Andi. She’d had a second chance at first love, but she’d been scared, too scared to realize just how precious it was.

“I know you’re looking for answers, honey. But maybe all you really need to know is that you left Emerald Lake a girl, but you came back a woman. Strong and loving.”

Andi looked down at the wedding veil on Evelyn’s lap, then at the sweater on her own, at the precise way she had wrapped her dark hair around the blue yarn, making sure it never came unthreaded from the sweater.

So many strands woven together. Alone they could be easily broken, but together they were strong.

“I love you, too, Grandma,” she whispered, but when no response came, she looked up and realized her grandmother had fallen asleep.

Tiptoeing out of Evelyn’s cottage, she was on the small front porch when the cell phone in her pocket rang again.

The time had finally come to answer it.

“Hello, Craig.”

“Jesus, Andrea, I got a call from Mr. Klein, and it sounds like there’s quite a shit storm going on in that little town of yours.” She could hear his irritation, his frustration at watching one of his trains derail from a distance. “Look, I don’t know what happened tonight, but we’re going to need a bulletproof plan to fix it. There’s no room for error this time, Andrea, no second chances to try to get it right.”

Andi didn’t interrupt her boss. But with every word he spoke, it became more and more clear to her that of all the things that had gone wrong tonight, trying to keep the Klein Group on board was not the thing she needed—or wanted—to fix first.

“Craig, I can’t leave my family’s store. Not with my grandmother still recovering from pneumonia. And not without a good manager in pl—”

She stopped herself short on the final word. She was doing it again. Trying to take the easy way out. Refusing to make any declarations about her real feelings because she was afraid of disappointing her boss.

Because she was afraid of being a failure.

“Look, Craig, that’s not the real reason I’m not coming back. My heart’s not in the game anymore. And I think we both know it hasn’t been for a very long time.”

“What the hell could you be heading off to do that’s better?”

“I’m going to manage my family’s yarn store.”

Sure, she could get another job in the city, but not only did her family need her to run the store…she also didn’t want to leave Emerald Lake. Even though it would be so much easier to run from Nate again, to go back to the safety of her city life.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?”

Andi waited for embarrassment, for defensiveness to kick in, but neither came.

“I am.”

Andi tossed and turned for a couple of hours in her old childhood bed before she gave up on sleep. She’d gotten too used to Nate’s warm body beside her, to his arms wrapped around her waist, to feeling his warm breath against the small hairs of her neck as she spooned into him.

Realizing the rain had finally stopped falling, Andi slipped on her shoes and wrapped a warm blanket around her shoulders. Now that the storm had cleared, it was one of those perfect full-moon fall nights, the kind they put in movies and posters that made people want to come to the Adirondacks to forget their cares. The same people that the Klein Group hoped would buy a condo on the waterfront.

Picking up a flashlight, she left the porch and headed for the dock. After uncovering the rowboat and putting on her life vest, she used the oars on the sandy bottom of the lake to push away from the shore.

The lake was empty and slowly, surely, Andi rowed out into the middle of it. Her breath came faster as blood rushed through her system to try and keep up with the rapid beating of her heart. She had never needed a gym while she’d lived here, just the grass and mountains and lakes as she’d grown up running and hiking and swimming and sailing.

She propped the oars in the boat and let herself float. She leaned back to look at the stars, and as the sky darkened, they appeared before her one by one. She took a deep breath of the sweet, cool air, then another and another. And then she finally rowed herself around to face the opposite shore to see if there was a light on across the lake.

And if someone was out there missing her as much as she missed him.

But there was only darkness. The darkness she’d longed for just a night ago because she’d been so afraid of the flaws and cracks that the light would reveal.

Shivering, Andi knew she needed to get back to the dock before her frozen fingers were unable to hold onto the oars.

She was halfway turned around when she saw something flicker on Nate’s porch from the corner of her eye.