Home Ice (32 page)

In her mind, Ally replayed the message she left him on his cell phone that morning.

“Ben, it’s me.” Her voice had been raw from crying. “We aren’t having a funeral or anything, so there’s really no reason for you to fly out here all that way. I’ll be fine.”

Fine.

Four little letters she had been telling herself since Ben left.

I’m fine.

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

After a lifetime of putting everyone else’s needs first, Ally was left with only herself. She had no idea what she wanted. What she needed.

No. That was a lie. She knew exactly what she wanted and what had eventually turned into the biggest need of all.

Ben.

But did he need her? Or still even
want
her? She feared she had lost her chance at a future with him when she turned him away all those months ago at the beginning of summer. She squeezed her eyes shut.

I’ve just got to get through today and I’ll be fine.

* * *

It was the anti-day for a funeral. The sun shone so brightly that everything was a glare in its wake. Not one cloud hung in the blue sky of morning. Ally wore dark sunglasses not only to shield her puffy eyes, but to mask the redness and dark circles. Gram hadn’t wanted a formal funeral ceremony, so Izzy was driving Ally to the gravesite to watch the burial. Ally wanted to be there to see Gram laid to rest next to her precious Henry. They were together now. For eternity.

Ruby planned to meet them at the cemetery and it would be just the three of them. Three women warriors paying last respects and saying one last, final goodbye to one of their own.

Ally wore a black pencil skirt and black blouse and Izzy wore appropriate black slacks and a white Calvin Klein shirt with a blazer.

They sat in silence for most of the ride until Ally abruptly said, “You think God could show some respect and block out the sun today.”

Izzy looked over at Ally’s profile. Her jaw was clenched and her hands lay tightly clasped in her lap. “I love you, Ally. You know that, don’t you?” Izzy reached over the gearshift and patted Ally’s white knuckles.

“Yeah, Iz. I know.” Ally turned and looked out the window. At the stoplight, cars played follow the leader. She wondered where everyone was going in such a hurry. Why did they have to dart in and out like that? Didn’t they know that it was a time of mourning? Didn’t they know that this wasn’t the time to be dropping kids off at school or commuting to work? Her world had come to a stand-still, but the rest of the world kept on turning.

When they pulled into the cemetery, Ruby’s Volkswagen was already in the parking lot. Ruby was bent down talking to someone inside an unfamiliar car. When Ruby saw Izzy pull in, she straightened herself to wave hello. 

Who else was here? This was supposed to be a private ceremony.

Ally watched a tall figure emerged from the driver’s side of the unfamiliar car and she could see through her blurred eyes that it was Ben.

Ben.

He came
.

Ally couldn’t hold the tears back when she saw him and struggled to get out of the car. Seeing him walk toward her was all it took for her to completely break down. He had come back to her. To comfort her in her time of most desperate need and sorrow.

A few strides of his long legs and he was in front of her, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her close.

“Oh, Ally, I’m so sorry,” he said into her hair. It smelled like strawberries. How did she manage to do that? Smell so wonderful, even at the most tragic time of her life.

“She’s gone, Ben,” she sobbed.

“I’m here now. You don’t have to be alone.”

The small group was quiet at the burial site. Ally looked over at the next grave and read the inscription on the tombstone.

‘Henry Walter Monroe, Beloved Husband
’
.

Beside it, a matching stone would soon read ‘In Loving Remembrance of Kay Allison Monroe
’
.

Oh, Gram. I will miss you,
Ally repeated in her head. She laid a bouquet of roses on the casket and watched them lower it into the ground.

When it was done, Ally walked Ruby to her car and thanked her for everything. Izzy went over to Ben and looked up at his brown eyes. “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for calling me.”

Izzy smiled knowingly. “She didn’t want to bother you with flying in, but I knew you’d want to be here for this.”

“I did. Thank you, Izzy.” Ben took a deep breath. “Why didn’t she want me to come?”

“She did,” Izzy sighed, “but she’s trying to make herself let go of you so you can be free to have a new life.”

“But, that’s not what I want,” he protested. “I want to be with her and nobody else. I asked her to marry me for Christ’s sake!”

Izzy shrugged. “Maybe she needs to know that it wasn’t a one time offer.”

He sighed and shifted his feet. “She knows.”

“Well, maybe you should remind her.”

“Damn it, Izzy. She’s so stubborn sometimes! Why is she fighting me on this? On us? On being together? Now, more than ever it seems so right.”

“She’s convinced herself that she’s not good enough and that she lost her one and only chance for the glass slipper.”

Ben shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t believe it.” His love didn’t have an expiration date.

“Look Ben, you need to either make this right, or let her go once and for all. She’s been through about all she can handle. Good luck.” Izzy winked at him and walked away.

After Ruby left, Ally and Ben stood by his rental car.

“Can I give you a ride home?” he asked.

She nodded and hung her head. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

Ben had never seen her so vulnerable. “Of course.” He hadn’t even checked into a hotel room because he didn’t want her to be alone.

The little yellow house was empty and quiet. A finished jigsaw puzzle sat on the kitchen table like a map of the past. Pieces of Gram were everywhere in the house. Her flowered tea mug on the counter, her reading glasses on the coffee table. There was no escaping her presence. She was a part of the tiny house like the plumbing and the electrical wiring.

Ally tried to be a good hostess, but everything felt forced. “Are you hungry?” she asked. “Ruby dropped off a casserole this morning. There’s pie, too.”

Ruby and the ladies from
b
ingo had put together a care package of food for Ally. It was more food than she could eat in a week even if she were eating.

“Yeah. That would be great,” he answered and followed her into the kitchen.

Ally microwaved two plates of food even though she wasn’t hungry. They sat in silence in front of the television, Ben eating with gusto as usual and Ally barely picking at her food. Maybe someday she would feel like eating again, but not now. How could she even think about food now that Gram was gone?

After dinner, Ally went in to take a shower in hopes that the water would wash away some of her sadness. Her salty tears mixed with the hot water, neither cleansing nor washing anything away from her jumbled mind.

After her shower, Ally got dressed, went down the hall and heard Ben on talking on his cell phone. She stood in the kitchen doorway, watching him. His back was turned to her, his broad shoulders slouched. The mountain air must have done wonders for him because somehow he was more handsome and sculpted than ever.

“I’ll be back in town tomorrow,” Ben was saying as he ran his fingers through his hair.

Jerrold wasn’t too happy with the side trip Ben had taken over the weekend. There was too much going on in Denver to skip town now. Jerrold knew it must be important to Ben because he wasn’t the type to blow off his responsibilities, but Jerrold still needed to keep him on track.

“Ice-Ix Hockey Equipment is offering you an endorsement deal. And we need to schedule time to shoot a promo commercial for the team. Oh, and Sirius Radio wants to do an interview.”

“Wow. Endorsements?”

“You’re hot, Benny. I’m getting calls for you all the time. The media is having a field day with you being back in Denver. Speaking of Denver, we need you.
Here
.”

“Don’t worry. My flight leaves in the morning,” Ben assured him.

“Okay, Benny. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Bye.” Ben shoved his cell phone into his pocket and turned around to see Ally standing in the doorway. “Hi. How was your shower?”

“Good.”

“That was Jerrold.”

“Ah. How is “show me the money” Jerrold doing these days?”

“Busy. He’s scheduling a photo shoot for the annual team calendar and they want me to do another satellite radio interview when I get back.”

“You’re quite the celebrity these days.”

“Nah. That stuff is cool, but when it comes down to it, I just want to play hockey. That’s all I ever wanted. You know that.”

Until I met you. Now I want both.

It was then that they shared their first awkward silence together. Before, when neither one of them had something to say, it was comfortable and didn’t matter how many words filled the air between them. Just being close to each other was enough. No words were necessary. Now, everything seemed different. It
was
different. Ally felt like she had to keep talking or else he might try to talk about something significant to their relationship. And lord help her, she couldn’t handle having that conversation now. Maybe not ever.

“I’m glad you’re doing well in Denver,” she finally said.

“Yeah, it’s good. Can’t say I’ll miss the hundred and ten degree summers here.” Great. Now he was talking about the weather. “How is school?” He decided to choose a neutral topic before he could start rambling on about the Doppler Effect.

She shrugged. “I’m not going. I decided to take a semester off. With everything that’s been going on, it was the last thing I could focus on.”

He nodded. He didn
’
t know what else to do. She sounded so bitter and he wanted to kiss away the bitterness, but he was afraid of her reaction. The things he wanted to do to make it up to her weren’t appropriate at the moment. “I see. That’s too bad.”

She leaned against the doorjamb and let her gritty eyes sweep over his body.  Once upon a time, she had intimately known every inch of his body. “You look great.”

He had always looked great. But now he was more toned than ever. How she had let this man get away from her, she would never know.

“Thanks. My new trainer is working me out pretty good. In fact, he’s been busting my butt to get me back in shape for training camp.”

“What’s he like?”

“Well, picture a guy from one of those Bowflex commercials. That’s him.”

She forced a smile. “Why don’t you take a shower while I clean up the dishes?”

Normally, they would have cleaned up the kitchen together, but he was too tired to argue with her. Normally, they would have taken a shower together, too, but things were different.

“Sounds good.” He nodded and went into the bathroom.

Ally started washing their dinner plates when the phone rang. It was Izzy.

“Hey sweetie. I’m just calling to check up on you and make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“It was nice of Ben to fly out.”

“Yeah.”

Izzy’s tone softened. “How is he?”

“He’s good.”

“That’s good. Is he happy?”

“I think so. He’s seems excited about everything and is adjusting to Colorado.”

“I heard they’re putting together a good team.”

“Are you still even following hockey?”

“Of course. It always makes for good conversation with clients to know what’s going on in the sports world.”

“With clients…or men?”

“Hey, I’m a one man woman these days!”

“Right. I’ll believe it when I see it,” Ally joked unenthusiastically.

“What’s wrong?”

Besides
everything
?

“Oh, nothing,” Ally sighed.

“Aren’t you glad to see him?”

“I don’t know. Everything is weird between us now. Everything is…different.”

“Well, sweetie
you
are different. A lot of stuff has happened and it’ll probably take a while to get back to normal. Whatever
that
is.” Normal was not an accurate gage of everyday life.

“I guess,” Ally grumbled. “It’s just so awkward. He’s like this superstar now.”

“Honey, he’s always been a superstar. The Razors just didn’t recognize it.”

“But it’s weird. He has all these interviews and commercials to do in Denver.”

“That’s the life of an athlete, Al. This isn’t something new. Get over it.”

“Thanks for your support.”