Home Before Sundown (25 page)

The restaurant at the Eagle Street Pier was overflowing with businessmen enjoying extended lunches beside the Brisbane River.

‘I'm joining Matthew Oakley,' Liz told the waiter who greeted her at the door.

‘Right. This way, please.'

Her stomach was hollow with tension as she was shepherded past crowded tables. She could barely remember what Matthew Oakley had looked like thirty years ago and she certainly had no idea what to expect now.

When she'd telephoned, Matthew had sounded surprised and reserved, which was totally understandable. They hadn't seen each other since their student days and Liz had half-expected that he'd completely forgotten who she was, or at the very least that he'd say he was too busy to meet her.

But Matthew had remembered her
and
he'd agreed to lunch at short notice, and here she was, scant hours before her flight to London, finally facing up to her past.

It had been an impulsive decision and now she was paying the price – freaking out, as Bella would say.

What if he thinks I'm completely crazy
?

Liz realised that the waiter had stopped and a man at a table set for two by a window was rising from his seat. The man was balding and he wore smart, silver-rimmed glasses. His skin was fair as if he spent a lot of time indoors, but his hazel eyes were familiar and they shone with unmistakable intelligence.

‘Liz,' he said, smiling as he held out his hand. ‘Good to see you.'

‘Thank you, Matthew. And it's good to see you after all this time.'

He waited politely while she was seated and the waiter went through his ritual with Liz's napkin and the menus.

‘How long has it been?' Matthew asked when they were alone. ‘It must be about thirty years.'

‘That's right. Amazing, isn't it?'

‘And you look just the same. How do you do it?'

Liz laughed. ‘Now that's a secret I share only with my hairdresser.'

Matthew laughed too. ‘You're a celebrity, of course, so it's no surprise.'

‘Good grief, hardly a celebrity. What about you, Matthew? I know you're a doctor.'

The waiter came back with a jug of water and to ask what they'd like to drink. Matthew said he was working and would prefer mineral water and Liz happily agreed, although she was nervous enough to quaff wine in large quantities. They chose their food, too, and Liz selected barramundi while Matthew chose a lamb-cutlet roast.

When the waiter had gone again, Liz said, ‘You were going to tell me all about yourself.'

‘Not a lot to tell, really. Unlike you, I've stayed in Brisbane. I'm an obstetrician and married with three sons.'

‘Three?' Liz responded, just a little breathlessly. ‘All boys? How – how lovely.'

Matthew shrugged. ‘My wife was desperate for a daughter, but she was prepared to call it quits after three.'

‘Wise woman.'

On the surface Liz was quite relaxed. This was all very safe and enjoyable, dining in a good restaurant with an old and thoroughly respectable friend.

Looking very much the doctor, Matthew clasped his hands in front of him, his expression serious but sincere. ‘So, how can I help you, Liz? Are you trying to track down some of the old gang?'

It was so tempting to go along with this, to keep the conversation light and pleasant, to leave Matthew in peace with his happy family without stirring up the past. But Liz knew she'd never forgive herself if she chickened out of this chance.

‘You're the only person I wanted to see, Matt. There's something I need to tell you, something I should have told you a long time ago.'

Wariness crept into his face, but he didn't ask questions. He waited.

Liz took a sip of mineral water to wet her suddenly parched throat. ‘It's actually ironic that you're an obstetrician because I wanted to tell you about a miscarriage.'

He was frowning now. ‘
Your
miscarriage?'

‘Yes.' Liz's heart began to race.

His frown deepened. ‘I assume you don't want medical advice?'

‘No, no, this happened years and years ago.'

‘Liz, this isn't ––?'

She could see his thoughts whirring, piecing together their past and this one small piece of information.

He lifted his hands in a gesture of appeal. ‘You're not telling me this has something to do with us?'

Liz nodded. ‘I found out I was pregnant after our––' She was about to say fling, but quickly stopped herself. ‘After we went out those few times.'

He stared at her for long, silent seconds.

‘I'm sorry, Matthew. I know you don't want to hear this now, after all this time. It's just that I haven't dealt with it very well and––'

‘God, Liz.' Reaching across the table he covered her hand with his. ‘I'm so sorry.'

‘
You're
sorry? I'm the one who wants to apologise.'

Matthew was shaking his head. ‘What for? A mutual mistake?
I'm
sorry it happened. And I'm certainly sorry you couldn't tell me at the time.'

‘You were getting ready for your final exams. I had my sights set on London. It was the worst possible timing.'

‘We could have worked something out.'

The emotion in his eyes was unexpected.

They stared at each other across the table and Liz knew Matthew was thinking, as she was, of all the possibilities and choices and outcomes that might have connected them.

‘I was being selfish,' Liz said softly. ‘I was only thinking of my career.'

‘Does this mean that you blame yourself?'

She nodded, grateful that he understood.

‘I'm sorry you've suffered, Liz. '

Liz looked towards the doorway that led to the restaurant's kitchen, making sure that the waiter wasn't heading their way with their meals. She had to get his over quickly, so she told Matthew the worst part of her story, the wild horse ride and its tragic aftermath.

He asked when exactly in the pregnancy this had happened and she told him, but by this point her eyes were blurred with tears. When she blinked hard, she saw that Matthew was teary too. He tried to smile, then took a long swig from his glass.

‘You poor man,' she said. ‘I didn't mean to ruin your day.'

He said somewhat shakily, ‘You've never forgiven yourself.'

‘How could I?' Liz dabbed discreetly at her eyes with a corner of her napkin.

‘But it almost certainly wasn't your fault. Honestly, something like twenty per cent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And some women can ride horses without losing their babies while others can wrap themselves in cottonwool and still lose them.'

Liz knew this, but it was reassuring to have it confirmed by Matthew.

‘I felt so bad because I'd actually been hoping––'

Matthew shook his head sadly. ‘All this time?' he said and he looked terribly upset. ‘Liz, please, stop feeling bad about this right now. I hate to think you've been carrying this burden for thirty years, while I got off scot-free.'

‘I'm sorry.'

‘And stop bloody apologising,' he said with an awkward smile. ‘Bugger it, I think I need wine.' His smile couldn't quite hold its shape. ‘What about you?'

‘Yes, please.' Then she remembered. ‘But don't you have to get back to work?'

‘No. This is actually my afternoon off, but I wasn't going to admit that till I knew why you wanted to see me.'

They both laughed a little at this and then Matthew beckoned to the waiter and ordered a South Australian white and they drank the whole bottle with their meal, while they talked about their careers and about people they'd both known thirty years ago.

For a while they talked philosophically, too, about life choices and timing, and synchronicity.

‘I've been to one of your concerts, you know?' Matthew said suddenly.

‘Really?' Liz stared at him, somewhat stunned.

‘You were amazing.'

‘Why didn't you come to say hello afterwards?'

He shrugged and his smile was shy, almost boyish, but he didn't give her an answer.

When their meal came to an end, Matthew insisted on driving her to the hotel where she'd left her luggage, then he took her to the airport.

‘It's been so good to see you,' she said as they stood on the footpath outside the international terminal. ‘I feel much better already.'

‘I'm relieved to hear it. And I'm really glad you rang, Liz.'

‘So I haven't ruined your day?'

‘It's been sobering,' he admitted. ‘But it's been wonderful to see you again.'

They hugged and Matthew held her tight. ‘Be happy, Liz. For God's sake, be happy.'

‘I will be,' she said, knowing it was true, or at least it would have been true if she hadn't just so summarily dismissed Jack Roper from her life.

‘There's something I need to discuss with the two of you,' Virginia announced at dinner.

Bella looked quickly at Luke, who hastily swallowed his mouthful of steak.

‘I hope it doesn't come as a shock,' their mother went on. ‘But I've made a decision about where I want to live now.'

In the sudden silence Luke's eyes were wide, mirroring the same surprise and nervousness Bella felt. Ever since the funeral their mother had remained stoic and outwardly calm, but Bella had expected her to take weeks, even months, before she made any firm decisions about the future.

She'd expected to have everything sorted with Gabe by then, but they hadn't spoken yet. He'd told her at the funeral that he'd been in touch in a day or two. For now he was giving her family ‘space', but not knowing was killing her.

With quiet determination, Virginia said, ‘I'd like to go back to Townsville.'

Bella and Luke exchanged startled glances. Had their mum lost it?

‘Townsville?' Bella asked uncertainly.

Her mum was nodding calmly. ‘I like Townsville.'

‘But why?' Bella couldn't imagine her mum in a city, not even in a laid-back, tropical city. Apart from eighteen months working in a bank in Townsville before she was married, Virginia Fairburn had lived in the bush all her life.

Luke was shaking his head, looking as puzzled and worried as Bella. ‘I thought you loved it here.'

‘Of course I love living here or at least I
have
loved it.' Their mother let out a tired sigh. ‘I'm sorry, but I simply can't bear the thought of carrying on here without your father.'

Bella opened her mouth, then promptly shut it again as she realised she didn't know what to say.

Luke looked equally stunned. ‘Isn't it too soon to make decisions?' he said finally. ‘You might feel differently in a week or two.'

‘I very much doubt that, darling. I've had quite a lot of time to think about this, you know. Ever since your father's first heart attack I've had to think about how I'd cope . . . But I hoped we'd have years and years . . . '

Without warning, her mouth crumpled and a sob broke out. Bella was half out of her chair, ready to offer a hug, when her mother held up her hand.

‘It's okay, Belle. I'm all right.' Taking a deep breath, she straight­ened her shoulders and regained control, but before she spoke again, she reached for the ever-ready teapot, tested its weight, then poured what was left into her cup.

‘I came here as a young bride,' she said as she added milk. ‘And I've spent my entire married life here at Mullinjim and it's been wonderful. But that's the way I'd like to remember it. I don't want to struggle on here as a widow. I'm afraid I just don't have it in me.'

She stopped again and this time tears glittered.

Bella felt as if she wanted to cry too. Mullinjim was losing both her parents in one fell blow.

‘In Townsville I can keep an eye on your gran,' her mum went on. ‘I know she'd like that. She's been on her own for such a long time.'

‘But you wouldn't live in the nursing home?' Luke looked shaken.

Virginia smiled. ‘No, not yet. I'll look for a cottage. Somewhere near the sea would be nice. Or a townhouse with a little bit of garden.'

A little bit of garden after a hundred thousand acres? The thought appalled Bella. She felt inexplicably let down by her mother's announcement. The very thought that her mum couldn't contemplate living here without her husband had shocked her.

Where was the strong woman who'd managed so wonderfully over the past few days? Where was Bella's role model for living here without Gabe, if she had to?

‘But you're not going to sell Mullinjim?' Luke was looking more worried than ever.

‘You can't sell this place, Mum.' Bella realised she sounded as scared as Luke. ‘It's not what Dad wanted.'

Resting her elbows on the table, Virginia regarded them both with a tired, faded smile. ‘Do you know what your father wanted?'

Bella's heart thudded painfully. Her gaze met Luke's again, but apart from the fact that he still looked anxious, she had no idea what her brother was thinking.

‘I don't know what Dad told either of you,' Bella said. ‘But he certainly gave me the impression that he wanted Luke to continue with his building certification and he hoped that I would run this place.'

Virginia nodded. ‘That's what he told me too. You'd like to continue with the building, wouldn't you, Luke?'

‘I don't have to,' he offered quickly. ‘I can come home to help. I've run the last couple of musters and I assumed I'd be looking after the next one as well.'

‘But if you had a choice, would working as a builder be your first preference?'

He studied the knife and fork lying together on his empty plate, then he looked up again quickly, shoulders squared. ‘I feel responsible for Mullinjim.'

‘Because you're the son and heir?' Bella couldn't help asking.

‘I love this place as much as anyone.' Luke's mouth twisted uncomfortably. ‘But I guess I've been hoping that I'd have the chance to consider other options. If I have to be totally honest––'

‘You
must
be honest now,' their mother said quickly. ‘We all must be completely honest. It's very important.'

Luke nodded unhappily. ‘Well . . . now I've started building, I'd like to give it a really good go. But it's hard to juggle both the cattle and the building work.'

‘What about you, Bella?' Her mother's blue eyes were piercing now. ‘How would you feel about staying on here to run Mullinjim on your own?'

I don't know. I – I'm not ready.

Her aunt's advice was still ringing in her ears.
If there are issues you still haven't resolved, get them sorted before you make another decision.

‘I guess I wouldn't have to be entirely on my own,' she countered. ‘Dad didn't run this place by himself and I can always hire help.'

‘Well, yes, you'd certainly need help. But you'd also have to commit to living here. How do you feel about that?'

It depends . . .
The very thought of living next to Gabe but not
with
him caused an almost suffocating pressure in Bella's chest.

‘You might want to take off – to run away again.'

Bella flinched.
Run away?

She was stung by her mother's accusation. She'd hoped that everyone else thought her choice to go abroad was a natural choice, the sort of thing that any curious young person at a crossroads in her life might do.

But now the difficult decisions she'd avoided were still hanging over her. Now she was facing the really big questions she hadn't yet asked herself.

The next few seconds could be the most important of her life. Her answer would define her future. She felt like a contestant on a TV game show, poised to give her answer to the final, crucial question.

The next words she uttered could mean the difference between winning or losing everything. Everything that mattered.

It was time to finally stop agonising over the past. It was time to grow up, to face up to her future as an adult.

She'd worked long, hot and dusty hours to prove she could take on the responsibility of her family's property, and she'd relished the sense of achievement this brought. She'd loved earning her father's praise and she'd loved testing herself. She knew she was good at this work.

Good decisions usually feel right.

As Bella remembered Liz's parting words, the answer arrived with a sudden certainty that stunned her.

She belonged here.

With or without Gabe Mitchell.

The realisation was scary. She'd spent a lifetime swinging like a compass needle, as if Gabe Mitchell was her true north. Unfortunately she was still completely crazy about him and she was terrified that she might end up like old Roy, living in the same district as the person she loved, nursing the pain of her loss. Forever.

But she couldn't turn her back on Mullinjim. And she couldn't ask Luke to give up his dreams. And the sad truth was, even if she lived somewhere else, there would always be a Gabe-shaped hole in her heart.

I can be strong. I can pour everything I have into this place. I'm my father's daughter.

‘Bella, I'm sorry.' Her mother reached across the table to squeeze her hand. ‘I shouldn't have put you on the spot. You don't have to give an answer now. Think about it. Maybe you need a few days.'

Beneath her mother's touch, Bella's hand clenched decisively. ‘It's okay, Mum. I know what I want. I want to stay here.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘Yep.' She was so grateful that neither her mother nor Luke mentioned Gabe. ‘I'm sure. I love it here. You both know that. And I love working with the cattle.' With a determined lift of her chin, she smiled. ‘This is where I'm meant to be.'

She felt better already. She could almost feel something inside her click into place.

Luke's shoulders relaxed and he let out a huff of relief. Her mother smiled at her, too, and gave Bella's hand another squeeze before she reached for her cup and took a deep sip of her tea.

They were pleased with her answer.