Holding On (Memories) (5 page)

“No,” she says. “No, baby, you weren't horrible at all. Were you immature, naïve about the world, and egocentric? Yes, you were, like most teenagers are today. You were never horrible. You always cared about others – even if you didn't show it. You were led by peer pressure a lot. You were scared of being cast aside, I think. That's why I made you come to Devon. I knew eight weeks in my home town would help you find who
you
are, not who you thought you should be. And I was right. The little girl that was hiding under the tough teen exterior came out, and she fell in love.” I look back at her, and she's smiling, her eyes watery. “You were never horrible, Alexis. You were a little lost, but now you're found. I'm proud of the person you've become.” Mum looks out at the water again, swallowing heavily. “And I know Mum was proud of you, too. She always was.”

A tear drips from my eye
, and I move closer to her, linking my arm through hers. “I remember Grammy bringing us here when she used to come up before Granddad died. She'd send him and Bing off somewhere, and we'd trek through the trees looking for dry leaves and other bits. Then we'd make collage pictures.” I smile.

“And then Dad died, and she stopped making the trip. I don't think she could face it alone, you know.”

“And then three years later we stopped going to see her,” I add sadly. “Why did we stop going?”

Mum shrugs a shoulder and sighs. “You kids were getting older. You didn't want to spend the summer with your grandmother three hundred odd miles away from your friends. We felt it best to stay here. Until last summer... We always knew it could be her last, and as much as you hated it when we made the decision to go, we knew you'd never forgive us if we didn't make you. Since you were seventeen, we still had control over your actions. You could have left on your birthday, but I was right in hoping two weeks would be enough to make you want to stay.”

“I could have left?”

“Of course. You're an adult at eighteen. I couldn't have stopped you if you'd wanted to
go.”

“You never told me that.”

“Would it have made a difference if I did? Would you have gone?”

I rest my head on her shoulder and listen to the gentle rush of the water. “No,” I reply in a soft voice. “I wouldn't have left. I would have stayed.”

“Your best friend,” I seethe. “Is. An. Asshole!” I barge past Alec into his flat, and he
looks at me and the empty space on the other side of the door in shock.

“I... Say what?” He fr
owns, and shuts the door.

“Carl is an ass!”

“And this is my problem because?”

I shriek, throwing my arms in the a
ir. “Because you are his best friend! And male! And I do not understand your ignorant, arrogant, hormone-aggravating ways!”

“That still doesn't explain why it's my problem, Jen. Tea?”

“No. I do not want a cup of fucking tea, Alec. I want to go back to Devon and wring Carl's neck!”

“I can feel the love.”

“I'm going to shove your sarcastic comments up your ass in a minute, boy,” I threaten, anger pulsing through my body.

“I'd love to see you try.”

I scream, throw myself face down on his sofa, and scream again, this time into a cushion. I kick my legs like a toddler would, growling. Everything… Everything is going wrong.

London has
been my dream since I was a kid and first realised I could draw – and really draw. I’d spend endless time in the garden drawing flowers, sketching birds and butterflies to fill in later. Then, when I was older, I’d take a pad and pencil to the beach. I’d do the scenery, the shells, and sea life. Anything I could find, I’d draw it. It was a way to let out every emotion I had. It made me an easy teen for my parents, who’ve always understood and supported my dream. I wouldn’t be in London right now if it wasn’t for my Dad.

But Carl doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand why I need to be in London, why I can’t just go to Exeter or even Plymouth University. He doesn’t understand that his surfing is his hobby. Art is my life, a part of me. Every pencil, every brush, every pastel, they’re all an extension of my body.

I cry out a garbled curse of the male species. I let out one last growl, and roll over onto my side, hugging the pillow.

“Have you got all your toys back in your pram yet?”
Alec asks me.

I turn my face towards him, tears burning my eyes.

“Hey,” he says in a softer voice. “Don't cry. What happened?” He crouches down next to me, brushing some hair from my face gently.

“He's said there's no way he'll come to London to see me. If I want to see him, I either have to come down to Dev
on or wait until half term.” I sniff, and pull my knees to my chest.

“He will be working full time, Jen. A weekend trip to London won't be easy for him to do,”
he reasons.

“I'll be at
uni five days a week, Alec.” My light blue eyes find his. “I won't be able to go down either, and I'll have next to no money after I've paid bills and stuff. I know Dad is covering most of my rent, but I still have things like council tax, water, electric, gas, food... Plus everything I need for my course, all my art supplies. They're not cheap.” They’re more expensive than a hooker in the Red Light District.

“Your student loans and that will help with that, won't they?”

I nod. “But it won't be there forever, and I'm gonna need what money I have. I'll only have a small amount left for me at the end of each week, and I don't wanna spend all that on tickets to spend twelve hours of the weekend travelling.”

He touches my arm
. “Six weeks isn't really that long.”

“He won't come up. At all. We'll see each other maybe six times a year, and even when I'm back, he'll still
be working.” A tear drips from my eye, and I know I’m about to break. Everything I’ve held inside for the last few days is about to explode from me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. “I'm missing my family, I'm three hundred miles from my home in my first place, I have no idea how to use my washing machine, and my milk has gone rotten, and I...”

I cover my face with my hands as the tears begin to flow freely. Behind my cocky exterior, I’m just a normal person. And right now, that normal person misses their family, their boyfriend, and has no idea how to cope by themselves. I’m that normal person in this second.

I have no idea how to cope in this city.

I've never seen her this way. Sarcastic Jen, cocky Jen, bitchy Jen... All those I can cope with. Crying Jen? No. I didn't even know she could cry.

I text Lexy, telling her
to get here as soon as possible, and sit on the floor next to the sofa. I rest my head on the arm of it, and stroke Jen's hair as she cries. I guess everyone needs a little break down once in a while.

My door opens
after ten minutes and Lexy rushes in. She takes one look at Jen, runs over and hugs her. I get up, my phone in hand, and disappear into my bedroom. Lexy will be more use to Jen than me, and I apparently need to have a word with my best friend.

I dial his number
, and he answers on the third ring.

“Hello?”

“You need to sort your shit out,” I say straight away.

“What the fuck?”

“I have your girlfriend crying her fucking eyes out on my sofa because you're being a prick, Carl,” I spit, feeling the need to protect Jen. “She's scared as shit because she's from a small town and is in the big city. She's scared because she's gotta do it without her family and guess what? Because you're refusing to come and see her even once before half term, she's scared she's gonna lose you to.”

“I'm working-”

“Yeah, I know that, mate, and I told her that. But you gotta remember she'll be at uni most days with a lot less money than you. We're grown up now, Carl, no more excuses. We all had an amazing summer, but unless you figure out a way to get up here at least once each half term, the summer isn't gonna mean anything.”

He's silent for a minute. “She's really crying?”

“Yeah. She's sobbing her goddamn heart out.”

“Shit.”

“Shit indeed.”

“I've got some making up to do, huh?”

“Some? You've got a lot.”

~

Mum shakes her head when I finish telling her about Jen and Carl.

“That boy is
gonna lose her if he doesn't buck his ideas up,” she says.

“Now, Emily, that's not necessarily true,” Dad argues. “They could find a way to work around it. Long distance relationships are possible.”

Mum looks up from her steak and raises her eyebrows. “Did you or did you not follow me to London from Lilac Bay when I left for university, Simon?”

“I did.”

“And why was that?”

“Because I didn't
wanna be without you,” Dad replies tentatively.

“And did Alec follow Lexy to London?” Mum continues.

“He did...”

“And why was that?”

Dad looks at me helplessly, and puts his cutlery on the table. “Because he didn't want to be without her, darling.”

“Precisely,” Mum says triumphantly. “We're not talking London to Essex here, Si, we're talking London to Devon. It's not just an hour or two away. It's a good few hours. We all know Jen's penchant for holding a grudge, so Carl is going to have to make it up to her. I'm guessing he's not a flower type of guy?”

Bing puts his fork down loudly and looks at Mum. “Do we have to discuss Jen's relationship? Really?”

Mum blinks in shock. “Well no-”

“Then don't!” He grabs his fork and starts cutting his steak with vigour. I look at him, them Mum, then Dad. Mum is staring at him in shock, and Dad is grinning. I look back at Bing.

“What?” my brother snaps.

“Nothing,” I reply, turning to my dinner.

“You're lying.”

“Why would I be lying?”

“What is it?”

“It was just a kind of random outburst, even for you, Bing.”

“Excuse me if I don't want to hear about Jen over dinner. Is that illegal?”

“No. Just kind of random, like I said.”

He sighs and clenches his jaw. “Mum, can I take my dinner upstairs?”

“I suppose,” she replies warily.

“Thank you.” He grabs his plate and storms upstairs.

Mum watches him and turns back to us. “What was that all about?”

“That, my favourite girls...” Dad pauses to cut his steak. “...Was Samuel experiencing a thing called
jealousy.”

My lips curve upwards. “Jealousy?”

“Indeed, darling daughter.”

“Jealousy? Why would he be jealous?” Mum asks, looking between us.

“Lexy.” Dad points at me with his fork.

“Because Bing has a serious crush on Jen.” I smile.

Mum's eyes widen and she looks at the doorway and back at me. “Are you sure?”

I smile wider. “Oh, yes. I'm very sure.”

“But, does she fancy him?” She leans across the table, and I feel like I'm back at school, trying to gossip quietly.

“I think she does.”

“Oh,” she says, surprised, and sits back up. “Oh. Well. That certainly changes things, doesn't it?”

“It certainly does,” Dad answers for me. “It also makes things more interesting.”

I look at Dad and laugh slightly. “Dad, are you secretly a teenage girl under your middle-aged skin?”

“Why do you say that?” He laughs.

“Because you seem more interested in the Bing-Jen-Carl thing than even Mum and I are.”

“She has a point, darling,” Mum agrees, patting his hand.

Dad shakes his head at both of us. “Can I take my dinner upstairs?”

“No, you cannot.” Mum frowns at him.

Dad sticks his bottom lip out. “You let Samuel.”

“I didn't want to hurt his little heart if he fancies our Jen.”

I roll my eyes and Dad snorts. “He's a grown man, Emily, let him deal with his own issues of the heart. If Sam and Jen and meant to be, then it'll happen, remember that.” He looks at me sternly. “And don't you go interfering, Alexis.”

“Me?” I put a hand to my chest, putting on my best innocent face. “I'd never dream of interfering.”

“Mhmm.”

I follow Jen around Cowling & Wilcox art supply store, pulling a full basket of art supplies. When she called and said she'd missed a few things and asked me to go to the shop with her, I didn't think a few things translated to two baskets full.