Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part One (19 page)

P
hil

I
spent
that evening and a lot of the night wondering what to do.

Kelly was impulsive, but she usually had good judgment. I had to admit, it was tempting to think about us keeping things going at university. Sleeping together regularly, like we did at Whistler, would be incredible. Having Kelly around to talk to about stuff, or to hang out with would be great. I knew enough about relationships to know that what we had was special. I loved her—that was it—plain and simple.

But if I really cared about her, I’d have to think about what the best thing was for her. Kelly followed her instincts, but that didn’t make it the right thing to do.

If Kelly did go to U.B.C., it wouldn’t be a disaster. It was a good school, we would know lots of people, and we’d be together. From what I could figure, she’d make the women’s hockey team, no problem. However, it wouldn’t be as good as McGill’s team; that was clear. If she went to McGill, she’d get better coaching, better teammates, and a chance. A chance to win games. A chance to win championships. Maybe even a chance to get noticed by Team Canada?

I didn’t think she was good enough, and I was pretty sure she knew that too, but I knew it was still something she dreamt about. While most girls had posters of Zac Efron or Adam Brody, Kelly still had the women’s national hockey team on her wall.

She had confessed to me that this season had been a revelation for her.

“It’s fun to win a lot of games, to know that when you go on the ice, you’re the good team that everyone is gunning for. I like that. And playing with the Avalanche, getting to be one of the top players instead of only a good player, it’s great. It’s crazy, because I’ve always been a total team player, but being the person that can make a difference, or even be the game-changer, that’s been huge for me. I guess you’re used to it, because you were always the best player.”

I knew what she meant, but it wasn’t a big deal to me, because while I liked hockey, I didn’t love hockey the way Kelly did.

Sure, it was getting to be time to give up on that stuff, to grow up, and start planning for the future. I knew a few guys who had been drafted, but nobody around here was a first round draft choice who was going right to the N.H.L. A hockey career was a crapshoot, even for really talented guys, and it had no payoff at all for girls.

But Kelly was different; she was so innocent and naïve. It was like inside she was younger than everyone else and full of childish optimism. If she gave up on all her dreams, would she change? Would she regret going out with me, because she missed out on her opportunity? Would going to U.B.C. mean giving up her hockey dreams? Maybe she wouldn’t make Team Canada, but she could win a university championship. If McGill was already the third-ranked team that sounded very possible. And there was one guy who went to our school, he got taken in the last round of the draft and he still made it to the NHL. You couldn’t ever give up

I loved her and I wanted to protect her. Kelly always hated when I did that during games, but I worried that if I didn’t stand up for her, some asshole would really hurt her.

Back in Bantam, she had gotten badly injured after a big hit. I could never forget how shitty it was seeing her lying helpless out on the ice. I had skated over and her eyes were closed and she was making this weird whimpering sound. I pleaded with her, “Get up, Kelly. C’mon, get up!”

She had looked up at me, her brown eyes filling with tears, and said in this little voice, “I’m trying, Phil, but I can’t. It hurts too much.” They had to get a stretcher and an ambulance and everything. The game was called because it took so long, but I couldn’t have played again anyway. I felt like I let her down, that I should have prevented that hit somehow. Afterwards, I waited around her house until she came home. I wanted to say sorry, but Kelly jumped out of the car and ran up to see me.

“Look Phil, I got a cast!” She held out her arm. “They let me choose the colour, so I got yellow. Nice, eh? Do you want to be the first one to sign it?”

She smiled at me and I felt so much better. Kelly didn’t blame me of course, nobody did. But I blamed myself.

After that, I figured that keeping an eye out for her stopped shit from escalating. And now, I had to keep an eye out for her too. To stop her from doing something dumb that she would regret later. And I’d have to do it in a way that she’d accept, that she couldn’t be all stubborn and insist on staying here.

Kelly was the only girl I felt completely relaxed with. She never played stupid head games or tried to change me. I never had to watch my words or actions, or be anything except myself. I could see us together for a long time. But still, it was all too much, too soon.

I was pretty sure she was scared about going to McGill. Kelly was up for any physical challenge, but she wasn’t big on change. She liked to run at the same time every day; she liked her routine.

And Kelly was loyal to a fault. She had stuffed toys from when she was a kid. She was still best friends with April, even though they had grown in completely different directions since grade four. And then, there was the way she had refused to break up with Nicklas, even when it was clear he was not the right guy for her. If we went to the same school, it was tough to imagine what would break us up.

But it was bullshit to pretend that all my concern was for her. To be honest, I had felt panicked as soon as Kelly told me she was staying. As good as things were, it was too soon. The longer we went out, the more pressure and ridiculous assumptions kept getting made about us, and that bothered me. Kelly wasn’t like that; she never seemed to expect anything but a good time. But everyone from my mother to our friends had a lot of expectations.

Kelly and I had already agreed on everything. We’d split up now, and it wouldn’t be anyone’s fault and we would stay on good terms. No bullshit guilt or blame. And then, after we both had time to do our own thing, we could check back in. We could even get back together in the summers.

Of everyone I had dated so far, Kelly was the only one I could even imagine being with for real. But we were way too young to get tied down now. I had been looking forward to having fun at university, the kind of stupid fun you didn’t have when you had a girlfriend.

But if she stayed here, there was no way it could end well. It wasn’t like I wanted to break up with her, but going out for the next four years straight was downright scary. Sure, it would be sweet in a lot of ways, but my gut reaction was that it was not the right thing for right now.

So, for Kelly—and for me—I’d have to figure out a way to get her to go to McGill.

I didn’t have any time to waste; knowing Kelly, she’d be cancelling and re-applying first thing.

I went over to her place in the morning. Kelly ran most mornings at the same time, so I waited on her front steps. I saw her first: she was running at top speed, she slowed down to a jog, and then stopped. She was wearing a yellow tank and black shorts, and there was a sheen of sweat all over her. She rested her hands on her hips, then she tilted her head up towards the sunshine. Her eyes were closed and her face was serene.

Then Kelly looked up and saw me sitting on her front step and broke into a huge smile. For a moment I felt like giving up on the whole idea. We could be together now, stay together at U.B.C., and I’d never have to worry about seeing her with another guy. But I knew that wasn’t the right thing to do.

“Phil! I didn’t know you got up this early when you weren’t working. Oh wait, you are working today, aren’t you?”

She ran right up to me, huffing a little from the exertion of her run. “Do you want a sweaty hug and kiss?” She hugged me without waiting for an answer.

“You’re a yucky mess,” I told her, pretending to fend her off, but grabbing her arms and pulling her closer. We kissed, and I let my mouth linger on hers, tasting the salty sweat and feeling the warm softness of her lips. “I love you, Kel,” I told her.

“I love you too,” she told me, her beautiful face turned up to mine. “So why are you here? Not that I mind. You want to have breakfast? My mom made her yummy granola. I have to shower first though.”

She grabbed the hand towel she had left on the step, and dried off her face and the back of her neck. We went and sat down on the bench in their front garden while she cooled down.

“I wanted to talk to you about McGill. I think you should go there.”

Her face took on a stubborn expression that was very familiar.

“Look Phil, it’s not up to you. You’re not the boss of me. I want to stay here. You don’t have to worry. It’s not all about us. I want to see my other friends too, like April and Charmaine. And it’s less money.”

“It better not be about me,” I told her. “Because I’m not going to be here. I’ve decided to go to Calgary.”

“Calgary? What are you talking about? You said you didn’t want to do that, you said your dad was pushing you, you said it wasn’t as good a school. You said….” Her voice trailed off in confusion as she stopped talking.

“Look, Kelly, I had another talk with my dad. He really thinks that having a big scholarship on my résumé would help me get a job when I graduate, even in Vancouver. And he sweetened the deal by offering me a car, so I could drive there and back, and drive around the city when I’m at school. It’s late, but since his best friend is the dean, there’s no problem slotting me in.”

Kelly didn’t reply. She kept staring at me, stunned. I continued, “I think it’ll be good—an adventure to get away from Vancouver. That’s why I think you should do it too.”

There was a long silence as Kelly twisted the towel in her hands, torturing it into a pleated snake. Finally in a tiny voice, she asked, “What about us?”

“We can still keep in touch. We can talk and see each other at Christmas, Reading Week, and in the summer. It’ll be fine.” I tried to reach for her hand, but she pulled away.

She sat up straight and looked me in the eye. The sweet joy was gone now, replaced by a steely anger.

“I get what you’re doing here. You decided to go to Calgary when I said I wanted to stay here. You’ve always been afraid of commitment. I’ve seen you run a mile when your girlfriends pressured you. I thought we were different, but I guess the real difference was that our relationship had a built-in ending: when I went away to school. So you could relax and not have to worry about things getting too serious. But like an idiot, I fell for you and I wanted to keep things going. So now you’re running scared. I get it all.”

“No, Kel, that’s not true at all. I meant it when I told you I loved you—that you’re the only one I’ve ever loved. I just think this is the best thing, for the both of us.”

I didn’t know how much to tell her. I didn’t want to lose sight of the real objective, which was to get her to go to McGill and have her chance. She hated feeling manipulated, so telling her the whole truth might completely screw things up. But seeing her sadness, pain, and now anger was so fucked.

“Don’t, Phil. Shut the fuck up. I always wondered what the magic word was that made you break up with all those girls. I actually worried about it. I used to hold back on showing you how much I felt, because I was afraid you’d end it and I didn’t want it to end then. So when we were in Whistler, and you said you—” She paused, unable to get the word love out. “Then I relaxed and let myself feel everything. Big mistake. Well thank you, asshole. It wouldn’t be the full Phil Davidson experience without getting dumped out of nowhere.”

She tossed her ponytail and stood up. I tried to grab her, but she backed away.

“Kel, it’s not like that. I do love you. I want us to be together. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. But maybe we’ll have to split up in the meantime, to pursue our dreams. You can play hockey at McGill, like you really want to. Then you’ll move back to Vancouver again, and it’ll be us together. As sweet as it is right now, but for real.”

She smiled at me, and for a moment I thought everything was okay again. But it was a fake smile, all brittle and tight.

“Yeah, this is the other part I wondered about, how you got them to carry a torch for you afterwards, to keep hoping and dreaming that you’d get back together. You’re even slicker than I could have ever imagined. But you’re right—I am different. I’m not to going to fall for your stupid lies anymore. In fact, if you come one step closer, I’ll kick you in the nads!”

Knowing exactly how capable of that she would be, I backed off. She turned and ran into the house.

I had fucked that up majorly, but I wasn’t sure what to do now. The only thing I was sure of was that I couldn’t go on with her hating me like this. Maybe I’d give her a little time to cool off and then tell her the whole truth. I shouldn’t have tried to manipulate things. I’d look like an idiot undoing all the Calgary stuff my dad had happily put into motion this morning, but I’d do it. If she still wanted to go to U.B.C. once I’d explained why I thought she should go to McGill, so be it. All I knew was how much I had just hurt her, and how much I wanted to undo all that. Meantime, I had to get to work.

N
ot surprisingly
, she wouldn’t talk to me on the phone all day, but after work, I went straight to her house. I’d camp out on her doorstep if necessary. When I rang the doorbell, Molly answered.

“Oh hello, Phil,” she said in slightly stiff voice. Obviously Kelly had told her we had broken up.

“Hey, Molly. I’m sorry to disturb you, but I really have to talk to Kelly. She totally misunderstood what I was saying this morning, and we need to straighten things out.”

Molly broke into a wide smile. “That’s what I told her! That it must be a misunderstanding, and she shouldn’t fly off the handle. But you know Kelly.”

I nodded and waited for her to invite me in.

Molly sighed. “Sometimes that girl has too much energy and not enough common sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She’s gone, gone to Abbotsford. One of her teammates is from there, and she’s driving to Montréal and had offered Kelly a ride a while ago. Originally, Kelly wanted to stay home as long as possible—because of you, I think. But today she decided she would go, and the whole day was a whirlwind of packing and phone calls. Tak drove her out to Abbotsford.”