His (Hers #5) (5 page)

“Fuckin’ Seven. God damn it!”

Seven

Present

“Therapy is stupid,” I yell at Levi across the kitchen. I have been in intensive therapy for almost a full year. Ever since my mental break. I think the mixture of untreated lifelong depression and anxiety mixed with everything that happened in Star’s basement that night made something click. Something snap. There are large chunks of my memory I still can’t access. There are days missing from that period of time. But the one thing I cannot forget is what I did to Zane. I remember that clear as day. I guess expecting my memory to free me from the fact that I killed a man would be wishful thinking.

The added stress of work was always something I ignored. I thought I could take on the world. I mean, I am Seven Fuckin’ James. But truth be told, my health and well-being have never come first. That is where Levi comes in now. I am thankful for him and his support even though I have crossed so many uncrossable lines.

“Seven, shove it and get in the damn car before you miss your appointment.” Levi counters as Marley crawls across the floor. I love it when he talks back. “We’ll be fine for the entire hour you’re gone. Right Marley?” His face beams as he speaks to our daughter. His love for her is the most heartwarming thing. And I almost think that I would’ve never recovered to where I am today without the two of them.

“You’ll be fine because she goes down for a nap in ten minutes.” I laugh and roll my eyes at him. He is still scared to be alone with her for the most part. Parenthood is scary shit. I don’t blame him. I remember the first time I was at home alone with her. I thought she was out to get me. I’m pretty sure she still is, but damn, it was nice having all the help from the hospital staff for all that time.

As much as they helped us, I still don’t want to see the inside of another hospital ever again. Marley spent way too much time there. Months of her life connected to machines, wondering what kind of lifelong impacts she would have. Thankfully, thus far, she seems to be a pretty normal child, minus a couple minor delays for her given age. All to be expected with a preemie.

“Don’t forget we have Skype interviews this afternoon to fill my position finally.” I remind Levi. All this time later I am finally and very reluctantly giving up a little control of White-Woods Global, the company James gave me so long ago. I never thought I would be able to give up that power and just watch from afar, but the time has come. “And maybe if you are really lucky… I’ll have my way with you. These fuckin’ hormones are driving me crazy!” I grab his dick as I walk by and giggle to myself. I love getting him all hot and bothered just before I leave. It keeps him wanting me for the duration I am gone. I give it twenty minutes before I get a dick pic of some type. Or some kind of sext.

“I’ll be back later on.” I stroll to the car and pull down our gravel driveway onto the country road that empties out into the middle of Woodstock. Going back to the city just wasn’t an option for me. The life we had before is over. Gone. The fast paced city drove me to my break. I needed to start over. Live a quieter existence. At least that is what I told myself and everyone around me.

I could micromanage everything I needed to right from my home office. Yeah, if you asked me a couple years ago about CEO Moms who work from home, I would have offered up a couple swift cunt punches about all that
Lean In
bullshit. No, you can’t have it all… blah blah blah. But now, I guess life changed my opinions on a lot of shit.

As much as I hate this town because of everything it brought me as a child, it is the place I need to stay so I can heal. Become whole again. Recover and raise my family. Get life right. This town broke me and now it would put me back together. With the help of Levi, and Marley.

Star and I will create a new generation of Woodstock with our own families. A better generation full of colorful children we will actually take care of. Love unconditionally and make them know they are worth something more than we ever thought we could be. Be the change in the cycle we both desperately need.

I snap out of my head when I pull into the small office parking lot and sit down to dive into my weekly therapy session I fucking hate.

“Seven, this week I want you to discuss your relationship with Levi.” my therapist, Brooke, says across the room. I sit in the plush black leather chair and trace the lines caused by decades of wear.

“What about it?” I ask with my typical flippant behavior with a shrug of my shoulders. Of course I know she wants to talk about our backstory. How we met, and why we ended up where we are today. Our life together now. Everything that deals with my marriage. And of course the giant shit-storm we went through in the last few months. Divorce talks and the fighting. Fuck, I hated the fighting.

“Well, Seven, since you are going to play coy, today we are going to talk about the paparazzi storm that started months ago. We will go from there. I know you are holding a lot of stress from this and in your delicate state, that isn’t healthy.” Brooke looks straight through me. I could talk with her all day long and she would still be able to read me better than anyone in my life. I guess that’s her job, but I kinda hate it.

“Well, I’ve gone through a lot since I went into that
facility
.” A word I use to refer to the nut house everyone stuck me in after I offed Zane. I’ve continued to use the excuse that stress from work is what sent me over the edge, but I think the constant worry of the police knocking on my door and somehow connecting me to Zane is what caused it all. Do I feel sorry about what I did? Not a fucking second. But the worry about my family is what continues to bother me. Chrome’s words of comfort and reassurance never worked. He made a mental note that if I didn’t do it, someone else would have. My feelings on it all remain indifferent though. I guess I just can’t fester in the emotions or lack thereof.

I feel a sense of relief for Star because, had Chrome had to kill his own brother, that would have played on both of them heavily. Far heavier than it played on me because Star has just been through far more than I. Inwardly I’m glad I took the burden off of her and Paisley at the same time. It was typical of the behavior that landed me here though. Always trying to be the protector, no matter what the cost.

“Let’s start when you brought Marley home from the hospital.” Brooke prompts, and I begin my task.

“It was peaceful. I was peaceful for the first time in years. It was just the three of us; we were home and thanking whatever higher power hangs over us for Marley being healthy and finally home. It was touch and go for the longest time and it was all my fault.” I pause to take a breath, but Brooke interrupts me.

“Why do you feel as though your premature labor was your fault, Seven?”

“Brooke, there were so many times the doctor tried to put me on bed rest. I was too stubborn. I didn’t think it could happen to me. BAM! It did and it was my fault. There was no one else to blame for ignoring their concerns.” I wouldn’t imagine telling her that the baby I am carrying currently is my way of a do-over. I love Marley to death, but I failed her from the start. This is my chance to get it right. I’m not really sure if I even want another child, but I wanted the chance to finally do something right since failure weighs so heavy on me.

What kind of mother would ignore their doctor’s orders? A shitty one. A mother like my own, who constantly put their own bullshit before their child. I wouldn’t tell Brooke or Levi that I constantly compared myself to my own mother, but it really was a fair comparison after my behavior.

“The first month home with Marley was amazing. I didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone but her and Levi. Life was simple. But, you know what they say about the quiet before the storm.” I laugh, thinking about the surprise that was just around the corner. Brooke nods and I continue.

“We hadn’t talked about any more kids. I honestly don’t think I want anymore. Hell, I didn’t want Marley in the beginning either. I was scared shitless I would fuck my kids up for life, just like my parents did. But seeing that plus sign on the test when Marley was finally home sent our whole world into a tailspin.” I sit and rub my bump.

Something I would never admit to my therapist is the fact that I continued my pregnancy to prove a point to myself and the world. The point that I didn’t have to fail again. At least at the pregnancy portion of parenting. I could have a healthy and safe pregnancy, without hurting myself or my baby. Had I done everything right with Marley the first time around, I very well may have ended this pregnancy. And quite possibly my marriage.

This baby was my second chance. The opportunity to rock the hell out of pregnancy and make it my bitch. The end result of another kid was still an idea that was still up in the air for me. That is just me being completely honest. I’m sure in the end, everything will work itself out, or at least that is what I continue to tell myself to rationalize my bad planning and lack of responsibility.

“How do you feel about having another child when you were so put off by the idea of your daughter in the beginning?” I should have known she wouldn’t leave it alone. But, that’s her job. The more I talk about it, the more comfortable it all becomes.

“I guess I am fine with it. I mean, I can’t change it now. In no time at all, we will have another baby and be a family of four instead of three.” Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I will be okay. The thought of a one year old and a new baby scares me to death, but if I can take a boardroom full of men and make them all my bitch, I can handle two kids under the age of two.

Then again. The boardroom sounds like a safer bet. Possibly a nanny.

“Before we finish today, have you had any problems with your medication?” Brooke asks the same question when we end every week. The new miracle drug continues to work and I hold on to the tiniest bit of sanity the world will allow me. Because, medication or not, we all know I am not the most put together person out there.
Honesty! See I am actually really giving it a good try!

“I’m good, Brooke. Believe me. If I wasn’t, Levi would be screaming it from the roof tops already. Don’t act like you two don’t talk like housewives.” I laugh and struggle to get up from the comfortable couch. This basketball of a belly isn’t helping with shit these days.

“Same time next week, Seven?”

“You can count on it.”

Levi

Present

I pace back and forth across the kitchen. The white piece of paper taunting me from the granite countertop. The echo of my steps resonates through the spacious room my wonderful wife designed herself. I should have known that some day her past, our past, would come back to bite us in a very major way. I was stupid to think we could outrun the trouble that constantly banged on our door. Peace is only momentary in our lives. It can never be long lived because the universe is just that cruel.

I want to protect Seven above all else in this world and that may sound bad, now that we have children. But, without her, I don’t know what I would do. I would be lost in this wicked world. Even after I did my best to push her away last year.