Hindsight (24 page)

Tony smiled his flirtatious grin and shook his head in modesty. “No you don’t, sweetheart. No one wants to hear those stories.”

Sweetheart?
I had never heard him call another woman sweetheart in the entire time I had known him. He had never even used that endearment on me. It once again made me question their relationship, and again, made me question why he decided to set up a dinner for her and Sean.

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” I stood from my chair and headed to the back corner for a little break. I knew Tony would order my food for me whether I was sitting there or not, so it didn’t matter that I was gone from the table.

The second I got inside the bathroom doors, little miss perfect followed me in as well. She looked around the space as I eyed her in curiosity. Once she was satisfied that we were alone, she turned to me and smiled. It was the same way she had smiled at me back at the house when she was dropping off Tony’s clothes.

“I know you know. I can see it in your eyes,” she stated with a false sense of kindness. She leaned her hip against the vanity top and stared at me, almost daring me to respond to her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb, Charlotte. Any wife would wonder why her husband is so enamored with a beautiful woman. I would be shocked if you hadn’t suspected something going on between me and Tony.”

I swallowed hard, needing an extra second to gather my thoughts. “I don’t understand, Laurie. Did you follow me in here to confirm my suspicions that you are indeed fucking my husband?”

She let out a condescending laugh. “I don’t need to confirm anything. But just know, one day soon, you’ll be out of the picture and he will no longer be your husband. You won’t have any claim over him.”

I wanted to scream,
good! Take him! No need to wait until one day soon, have him tonight!
But instead, I simply nodded my head and looked over to the door. I couldn’t look at her until I had the right words to say. I knew she would take anything that came out of my mouth back to Tony, and I didn’t need to give him any reason to fly off the handle. So, I stood and waited until the right opportunity to say what needed to be said.

“No woman should have to go through this,” she continued, catching my attention again. “I actually feel really bad for you. He’s a great guy, one of the best; there’s no way you could have really expected him to stick around forever. You had to have known that refusing to give him children while doing nothing for the relationship other than using his hard earned money on frivolous things would only lead him to stray.”

I wanted to laugh at her absurdities, but I didn’t. “I guess I just thought that love would be enough,” I said to her in an emotionless tone that echoed off the tiles around us. “You think you’ll be enough for him?”

She smiled wickedly at me. “I know I will. Once I get you out of the picture, there will be nothing stopping us from being together. And I plan to give him anything and everything he wants.”

What in the ever living fuck did I just walk into?

“What do you mean by getting me out of the picture?” I had to know.

“Tony tells me about how you won’t leave. He’s tried to leave you before but you threaten suicide if he leaves. He’s told me how he’s stuck with you. I have my ways of making sure you’re gone for good. We’ve talked about it. He said he wants no part in it, but wouldn’t stop me when the time is right.”

I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and shout until someone finally heard me. Either this woman was insane or extremely weak. Tony was a master when it came to manipulating people, especially women, so my guess was that she was weak and ate up his every word.

“Are you threatening me with something?” I asked, finding some amount of strength to get the words out without shaking.

“Nope,” she said and popped the P like the child she seemed to be. “Tony hates violence. I’m just letting you know that if you don’t walk away, I will simply have you removed.”

“Tony hates violence?” The laughter wouldn’t hold back. It came bubbling up with every word of my question. Wow. He really did a number on her if he had her believing that. But then the laughter died and the tears began to stab at the backs of my eyes, realizing what it all meant.

Laurie smiled once more at me before walking out of the room, leaving me with my thoughts.

Tony didn’t hit her. If she believed that he didn’t care for violence, then that only meant he had never struck her. That realization sent a cold shiver down my spine. He only hit me. It once again made me feel that it was something about me that set him off. He had always told me that I had the ability to push his buttons, that everything was always my fault when it came to his anger. Was he right? Was I doing something wrong?

He had her believing that I refused to give him children, which wasn’t completely false, but it was certainly not the truth, either. I had decided long ago that I didn’t want to bring a child into Tony’s world. But at the same time, Tony didn’t want any children, either. One night during his apology tour for some punishment he had inflicted upon me, he confessed that he didn’t want to carry on the hate. He told me himself that he didn’t want to have children because he didn’t want to ruin their lives with his anger and temper. I didn’t argue with him because I was in total agreement. I just didn’t confess that part to him.

It was obvious he had played Laurie the same way he had once played me. The only question left was why Tony would bring her to dinner and introduce her to Sean if he had no intention of actually hooking them up? It made no sense. The only thing I could come up with was that it was just another way for him to manipulate everyone. Just another game for him to play.

I cleared my face, wanting to look as normal as possible when I made my way back to the table. But once I opened the door and saw Sean leaning against the wall in front of me, my walls broke down, once again. I collapsed into his arms and let him comfort me. I didn’t know how, but Sean knew that I needed him. He was such a good friend, one that I never wanted to let go of.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just ignore them. We’ll get through the night just fine.”

I looked up at him and found solace in his eyes, in the way they were looking at me and not through me. He saw me, and not the way that everyone else saw me. He knew me better than anyone, and I found comfort in knowing that.

“For the rest of dinner, let’s play a game. I’ll drink every time he looks at her, and you can take a drink every time she looks at him. We’ll both be so hammered by the time our dinner shows up that it won’t bother you at all anymore.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at him. He always had a way of making me feel better.

Always.

October 1st, 2014

But I knew that was just wishful thinking.

As soon as the door closed, he turned to me, face red with anger and his black eyes so dark I couldn’t tell where his pupil ended and his iris began. It was a bad sign, but I kept quiet, not needing to egg him on.

“Do I not give you enough attention that you have to flirt with another man right in front of me? Huh?” he screamed when I hadn’t answered. “Take a long look in the mirror, slut. You should be lucky I even gave you the time of day when I did. You look like an old hag now. No man would ever find you attractive, no matter how much you flirt with them. If you find a man to fuck you, it’s because he’s desperate. That’s the only reason I even touch you… when my hand no longer does the trick.” He smiled and laughed wickedly. “Or when my others aren’t available.”

I knew he had only mentioned his “others” to get to me. Much like his mention of how ugly I was and how I couldn’t find another man that would find me remotely attractive. I tried blocking out his words, not wanting him to see how they affected me. But my eyes started to well with tears no matter how much I willed them not to.

“No man… and I mean NO man will ever touch you. Do you understand me?” he yelled, inches away from my face so that I could feel the moisture of his words on my skin.

I nodded, not needing to say anything in return. Whatever words I uttered would be wrong anyway.

“You are nothing but a dumb cunt. Fucking trash is what you are. Without me, you’d be nothing. You’d still be living in those dorms eating stale bread and peanut butter. I saved you. I made you into someone that can walk down a busy street and actually look like you’re someone important. But we all know you’re not. You are nothing without me. If I left you right now, you’d be nothing again. No job, no money,
nothing
! Think about that the next time you decide to eye-fuck a stranger with my ring on your finger.”

I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to defend myself, beg him to listen to me. But I was frozen in fear. I didn’t even know who he was talking about. I hadn’t flirted with anyone, let alone eye-fucked someone. He had torn down my confidence so much over the years that I would have never even thought about doing those things. I already knew that no man would ever want to touch me with a ten-foot pole. Not to mention, he may have thought I was stupid, but I was smart enough to know not to ever do those things in front of him.

He looked at me and sneered. “Take your clothes off.”

I stood there and just stared at him. I didn’t want to be naked in front of him. Then I would be even more vulnerable.

When I didn’t budge, he screamed again, “I said, take your fucking clothes off!”

I jumped, immediately obeying him, not wanting to defy him any more than I already had. I started unbuttoning my blouse without thinking. I shut my mind down to try to make this easier, but nothing would. His hand was outstretched in front of me, waiting for me to hand over my clothes. I was petrified for what would come next. I could handle his fists—most of the time—but the one thing I couldn’t handle was him forcing himself on me when he was angry. I prayed and prayed that wasn’t what he had planned for me.

He didn’t stop until I had completely removed every stitch of clothing I had on, including my underwear and bra, and handed all the items all over to him. Without my clothing, I felt more than just naked on the outside. My soul felt stripped bare as well. He moved me to the back patio, pushing me forward in small shoves until I was finally outside.

I turned to look at him, worried of his plans. He had a sadistic smile on his face as he said, “You want people to look at you? There you go. I’m heading out to let off some steam. You enjoy your night basking in the attention you so obviously crave.” And with that, he closed the sliding glass door and I heard the lock engage.

I began to beat on the glass, begging him to let me back in. I was standing on the back patio, bare for all the neighbors to see. It was what Tony wanted—for me to be humiliated. And that’s exactly what I was. I was mortified. I curled my body into a small ball, crying in the corner, hoping and praying no one would see me.

I have no clue how long I was out there before I heard footsteps in the grass. I shrunk away, trying to disappear in the corner I had found solace in, pulling myself in as much as I could to keep from being seen. I tried to cover myself with my hair, hoping it would provide me some warmth.

A dark figure came around the corner and my heart was in my throat. I knew it wasn’t Tony, I could tell that much by the way he was walking, but I didn’t have a clue as to who it was.

I watched him move to the window, not far from where I was hiding, and cup his hands around his eyes, looking inside. I heard him whisper to himself, saying my name and then begging to God that I was okay. That’s when I knew who it was.

I didn’t even have to call out his name, he turned his head and noticed me, stark naked, wrapped into myself with my knees covering my chest and my feet covering my most sacred parts. My hair covered me somewhat like a shawl but I was still shivering against the chill in the air. He came rushing to me, falling to his knees next to me.

“Don’t come any closer, please Sean. You can’t see me like this,” I begged.

“Are you naked?” he whispered and his eyes continued to search my body, never looking away.

“He took my clothes and locked me out. Please, don’t look at me.” I was mortified that he was seeing me this way. I couldn’t remember a time when I had felt more embarrassed. Most of the time when Tony embarrassed me, it was in front of people I didn’t know. But this was Sean. He mattered to me.

Without another word, he jumped up and ran. I began to cry even harder. His absence and quick exit only solidified Tony’s words in my head. It was true—no man would even want to come close to me. I buried my head into my knees, pulling them as close to my body as I could, and cried. I wept like a child. That’s what I felt like at that moment, a lonely, defenseless, unlovable child. My body shook from the sobs I could no longer control and from the cold I was defenseless against.

Warmth enveloped me and caused my cries to become stuck in my throat. I looked up and noticed Sean was back, this time with a blanket that he was wrapping around my shoulders.

“Why did you come here? I mean, how did you know to come?” I asked.

I heard him sigh before saying, “Tony called. He didn’t tell me anything other than he had to leave the house to blow off steam. I asked what happened and all he said was that you had disrespected him and he needed to be away from you for a little while.”

I fidgeted with my hands, unable to find a single word to say to him. He knew I was alone, he knew Tony was mad, and he came. I didn’t have to call him. I didn’t have to seek him out. He came all on his own. What did that mean?

“What’s going on, Char? Talk to me,” he pleaded as he ran his hands up and down my arms through the blanket, trying to warm me up.

With my teeth chattering, I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. I had told him enough the last time we had talked. I didn’t want him to see the things Tony did to me. Knowing was one thing, but to witness it with his own eyes was something else. I just wanted to pretend that this hadn’t happened.

“You can’t be here. If he comes home and finds you here, he’s going to flip out. Please, you have to go.” I knew he couldn’t see my eyes in the dark, but if he had, he’d see the desperation in them.

He stood up and walked away. It made me sad and I wasn’t sure why. I had begged him to go, he needed to go, but actually watching him walk away and leave me broke me in ways I didn’t think I was capable of breaking. I needed him, and that was the first time I realized it. We had just started to grow close and I never imagined how much I needed someone until that exact moment in time, when I watched him walk away from me like that.

I could hear the engine of his car start and then watched as his lights bounced off the backs of the houses around me. He was gone. Just like that. I asked him to leave, sure, but that was for our protection. However, I needed him there with me until Tony came back home, for my protection. My mind was so fucked up trying to figure out how those two things could possibly be true at the same time. How could I possibly be upset that he left after I had asked him to? And how could I have wanted him there, knowing what would happen if we were caught?

Tony would see it as something it wasn’t. He would see me there, naked, and his best friend comforting me. Sean wasn’t attracted to me, I knew that much to be true, so I knew nothing would have happened between the two of us despite my growing attraction to him. But Tony wouldn’t see it that way. Regardless that it was his idea to leave me outside without a single piece of clothing, he would think something was going on between Sean and me. Just as had he thought there was something going on back at the restaurant with the nameless and faceless waiter. I had spent most of the evening trying to figure out who it was and still couldn’t.

Out of the darkness, Sean came running back to me, this time, from the back yard. He slowed his pace once he got the patio and then sat next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side.

“Where did you go?” It was the only question I had. My voice croaked from the cold and all the tears I had shed.

“I moved my car. Now he won’t know I’m here when he comes home. I’ll just take off when he gets here. I’m not leaving you out here alone.” His words were full of concern and care. “Now tell me, why are you out here?”

“Tony wanted me to learn that I’m unattractive and that no one wants me.”

Sean laughed. “And he thinks leaving you outside in the cold, naked, is the way to do that? Doesn’t he know that the cold causes nipples to get hard? And there’s nothing sexier than a set of rock hard nipples.”

I felt my body grow even stiffer next to him, hearing him say those words.

“I think he knows just how gorgeous you are and is scared another man will swoop in and steal you from him. I know if you were mine, I’d worry about the same thing. However, if you were mine, I’d make sure I treated you like a queen so that you would have no reason to want to be stolen. Don’t you realize that the only reason he breaks you down is so that you will feel trapped? He has you exactly where he wants you.”

I knew he was only saying those things to make me feel better. There was no way he really believed that. He may have just recently learned of his best friend’s behavior toward me, but that didn’t change the fact that they were best friends, and I was nothing other than Tony’s wife.

Whatever his motives were for telling me such kind words, they did help make me feel slightly better. Lie or not, it was nice to hear that you’re not as ugly as you’ve been told.

“You don’t have to say those things to me, Sean.”

“I know,” was all he said before leaning his cheek on the top of my head, pulling me closer so that my head was resting on his shoulder. “What’s your favorite color?” he asked. When I laughed, he continued, “Let’s just talk about anything other than the fact that your husband locked you outside naked, and I’m sitting next to you.”

I pulled my head away and looked at him. “Are you uncomfortable sitting next to me knowing I’m naked under this blanket?” I was so scared that I had made him uncomfortable, that was the only reason I had asked that question. I really didn’t want to know the answer, but I also didn’t want him to be uncomfortable.

He looked away. “Yeah, I am. But not in the way you think.” He paused, shifting in his position on the concrete next to me. “What’s your favorite color?” he asked again. I could hear the smile in his tone.

I put my head back on his shoulder so we wouldn’t have to look at one another. It was awkward enough without having to see the other’s face in the dim moonlight. “Purple. But the really light purple, lilac I guess you’d call it. Where did you get this blanket?” I asked my own question.

“Target,” he said with a laugh. “Bought it today and never made it home to take it inside. Guess it was meant to be, huh? What’s your favorite food?”

I guess we were going to play the twenty questions game. It was fine with me. I would do almost anything to take my mind off of my current situation. “Stroganoff. What’s your favorite song?”

And that’s what we did for what seemed like hours, asking each other any question we could think of. Once we ran out of favorites, we started asking random questions that made us laugh. He asked me if it freaked me out when people’s second toe was longer than the big toe, and I asked him if he’d scream like a girl if he woke up with a spider on his chest. He told me the only spider he wouldn’t scream at was me. I looked at him oddly and then he laughed, making a joke about Charlotte’s Web.

I wasn’t sure how long we sat out there together, laughing and talking before the lights ran along the back yard. That was his cue to leave, knowing Tony had pulled up. He said he wanted to stay to make sure I was okay, but I demanded he leave. Not taking no for an answer. He couldn’t stay. If he did and Tony saw him, it would make things much worse for me. He agreed and stood up.