Hindsight (19 page)

“I’ll come and pick you up on Monday morning, after Tony leaves for work.”

I nodded, “That will work. He leaves by eight in the morning, so you can come around eight thirty.”

“It’s all set!” Sean exclaimed with excitement.

I felt shaky and woozy at my sudden spurt of independence. I couldn’t believe I was finally leaving Tony! I no longer felt badly about it. I had endured enough violence to last a lifetime.

“We can go to my family’s home in Connecticut for Thanksgiving! I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“Do you think your family will accept me?”

“Accept you? They’ll love you! Just like I do!” He cupped my chin and gazed into my eyes adoringly. “You don’t realize how special you are, but I do. I will spend every day for the rest of my life, cherishing you. Cherishing you as you should have been. I want you to enjoy life. And be mine!”

I nodded, unable to speak. The thought of being accepted into his big, wonderful family that he always spoke of was too good to be true. It was everything I always wanted.

“My family has some traditions that you may have to get used to. Some of them are corny, but I swear my family members have the best intentions. How are you at Pictionary? We always play that after dinner. Everyone is laying around like beached whales, having engorged themselves on too much turkey and pumpkin pie. The last thing anyone wants to do is play a game, but we end up doing it anyway.” He chuckled and I admired how his eyes lit up when he spoke of the family he loved.

I could only watch him in awe, taking in the expression on his face as he excitedly told me about his family. I knew he loved them without him ever having to admit it. His eyes brightened and his smile said it all. It made me wonder what his face looked like when he was talking about me.

“Then the next day, the girls go shopping and hit all the Black Friday sales while the guys stay home and put up the Christmas lights. It’s great fun!”

“It sounds wonderful. So wonderful,” I said and meant it. It sounded too good to be true. I couldn’t remember the last Thanksgiving I had enjoyed. I knew it had been a long time, though, maybe when I was little before Daddy started drinking so much.

We spent time talking about how wonderful our future together would be. I hadn’t meant to fall in love with Sean. It had just happened. If someone would have asked if I would cheat on my husband, I would have adamantly said
never
. But never say never. You never know what circumstances that are beyond your control will force you to do. How you are so desperate for someone to understand you that you find yourself bending the moral rules you had set for yourself.

Sean was a good guy. He had a good family. I loved to listen to the endless stories he told about his growing up years. He had the childhood I would have literally given my right arm to experience.

“I can’t believe you did that!” I exclaimed in response to one of the childhood antics he had done. I couldn’t believe his mom hadn’t whooped his ass. She was so understanding and only had nurturing and loving bones in her body. No hatred or abuse was passed on to her children.

“I know! I was lucky that my mom was so understanding. We didn’t tell my dad for a longtime. He would have grounded me for a month!”

“When’s Stephanie due?” I asked about his older sister. She was due to have her third baby and Sean loved his two nephews. He would soon be blessed with a niece.

“Right after Christmas. We keep joking that she better pop the kid out before the year ends so that she can have the tax break.”

I laughed. I couldn’t imagine joking about something like that with my own parents. I loved my mom dearly and she was an angel, but my time with her was limited because she had to work so hard to support me. Then, when my parents had died, I had still been so young. I felt as if I had been robbed of the experiences the future promised. Life wasn’t fair.

“When I went home for Labor Day, the family had a massive barbeque at our lake house. The lake was so beautiful, the clear water was captivating. I wished you had been there with me. Now you will be.” He kissed me and I returned the kiss wholeheartedly. I wanted him inside of me so badly. Sex never felt good with Tony, but with Sean, it was mind-blowing. He actually cared how I was feeling and looked as if he enjoyed manipulating my body in pleasurable ways. It was intoxicating and I felt like an addict when I was with him. I didn’t want it to end and as soon as it did, I wanted to do it all over again. But it was hard for me. Part of me felt guilty because as bad as Tony treated me, I was still cheating on him. I felt as if that made me just as terrible as he was.

“Where did you go?” Sean ended the kiss and lovingly rubbed my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

“It’s not important,” I sighed out.

“It’s always important. Everything you say is important. Tell me,” he pleaded.

“I feel guilty,” I admitted and looked down to my lap.

“Don’t,” he begged. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s me. I should have done something a long time ago about that douchebag, but I didn’t.”

“You didn’t because I begged you not to,” I reminded him and looked back up into his beautiful amber eyes. “It made me love you even more. You listen to me.” I didn’t want Sean to do anything to Tony because I already felt guilty enough for cheating with his best friend. It was important to me to deal with this situation on my own, my way. I was the one who had gotten myself into this situation, it was my job to get out of it. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I would. Sean and I would be together and I would finally have my happily ever after.

“You know that I would do anything for you. But sitting back and just watching him hurt you makes me want to fucking kill him.”

I could see the rage cross his face at the mention of Tony hurting me. I reached up and put my hand on his cheek. “I love you,” I said gently. It was like magic. His face transformed and he became the most handsome, gentle man once again. He would never hurt me. Ever. I had never felt safer than when I was with Sean.

“We should go,” I whispered and put my forehead to his.

“I’m not ready,” he whispered back. It was always like this. Hard for us to leave each other.

We finally decided to leave the restaurant after sitting there for two solid hours after our dinner dishes had been cleared away. The waiter started giving us looks, trying to get us to leave, but neither one of us wanted it to end.

When Sean dropped me off, back at home, I quickly looked around for the mysterious man. He was nowhere to be found.

I entered my house with newfound happiness. I started to pack my bag and work out a plan to leave Tony on Monday.

In less than a week, I would be starting a new, wonderful chapter to my life.

I couldn’t wait.

November 9
th
, 2014

I was moving around much better and no longer needed the knee brace. I never wore it around Tony, knowing he would assume I had gone to the hospital. We had been down that road once before and it wasn’t one I ever wanted to travel again. So when I wasn’t wearing it, I had it hidden under the bed. He never cleaned the room so he would have no reason to even check under there. But once I no longer needed to wear it, I had forgotten to put it away. I didn’t want to get rid of it in the event I ever needed it again.

I was in the bathroom, curling my long brown hair. I loved my hair for so many reasons. I used to love it because I felt as if it made me look better by enhancing my looks. I was plain looking, not much about me would scream I was a stunning woman. My chest was on the smaller side and I didn’t have many curves in my hips. The only thing I had that made me feel feminine was my hair that reached my lower back. I loved to curl it, feeling like it heightened my appearance.
Who was I kidding?
I mainly loved to curl it because Sean loved it.

The other reason I loved my long hair so much was because I could use it as a curtain, hiding the anger Tony had marked me with when I was in public. It had become my security blanket over the years.

Tony came in the bathroom behind me just as I had finished my last curl. He stood directly behind me and I could see his face over the top of my head. He had a smile on his face and it calmed the storm that had instinctually began to build inside of me the moment he entered the room.

He ran his fingers through my hair, taking a whiff of my clean locks as he brought it to his nose. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, since the only times he ever touched my hair was when he used it to drag me from one place to another when he was angry. His hands ran down my back and I felt my posture automatically stiffen. It could only mean one thing—he was trying to seduce me. I wasn’t in the mood for it, not that I had ever been when it came to Tony. I tried to make myself relax, if I was stiff it made him irritated.

“I see your knee is feeling better,” he spoke softly into my ear as he bent down to place his lips on my shoulder.

I nodded. “The swelling is almost completely gone.”

“That’s good to hear. I must say, I’m impressed with all you were still able to do even with a bum knee.”

He was goading me; I just knew it. I kept quiet, not wanting to get myself into a situation I wouldn’t be able to get out from. I stood there, letting him paw at me with his lips as I forced my body to obey his commands. His hands had circled my waist, moving to the front of my body.

“How were you able to do it, Char? Did you go to the hospital?” This time, he looked into the mirror, studying my eyes as he waited for my answer. His eyes had turned deep black.

My back was so tense it caused the muscles around my spine to ache. I tried to steady my breathing before answering him, knowing that he knew something. I didn’t know what he knew, so I had no idea how to answer him. My mind raced with the possibilities. Did he know about the help Sean had hired for me the first week after the incident? Did he know about the clinic I had gone to? What did he know? I knew I couldn’t wait forever before giving him and answer. The longer Tony Paulette had to wait, the worse the punishment would be.

“No, Tony. You know I would never do that again.” I had learned my lesson the first time. I would never go to the hospital again. They had filed charges automatically without even telling me. I had taken a beating for that one.

“Well, you sought medical attention, I know that. If it wasn’t the hospital, then where did you go? And more importantly, what did you tell them?” His hands had completely stilled on my stomach as his eyes burned holes into me through the mirror in front of us.

I couldn’t lie… well, not much. He would know. “I went to a private practice and told them I fell down my stairs.”

“Hmmm…” he hummed and I could feel the vibrations from his throat on my shoulder. “And how did you get there? I’m sure you couldn’t have possibly driven yourself.”

Shit. Fuck. How would I answer that. He knew I didn’t have any friends, and the ones I did have, he didn’t know about. I couldn’t tell him it was Norma without explaining the shelter. The safest bet was to go with the truth. Hell, maybe he had already spoken to Sean and coaxed it out of him, although I highly doubted it. Sean would protect me to the ends of the earth.

“Sean took me.” I held my breath while he processed my answer.

He stood up straight and pushed his body into mine, shoving my hipbones in to the ledge of the counter in front of me. It bit at my skin as the ledge dug in to me and I failed miserably at hiding my wince. The pain radiated through my midsection so badly that it left me with that feeling you get when you need to throw up.

“Sean? As in
my
friend, Sean? Why did he take you?” His arched eyebrows spoke volumes and made me want to backpedal, but it was too late. I was stuck and had no option but to continue.

I opened my mouth and said the first thing I could think of, hoping the guilt didn’t show through my reflection. “I called him. I told him I had tried you first but you were in court and must have your phone off. I told him I fell down the stairs and I needed help.”

“And he believed you?”

“Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he?” I scoffed as I prayed he did not hear my beating heart that was thudding loudly between my ears.

“How did you explain your face? It was a disgusting mess when I had come home that evening. How did you explain that?” His voice was menacing as he interrogated me.

“I fell down the stairs, Tony. It’s not hard to have injuries all over your body when one falls down a flight of stairs. Don’t worry, he believed me. He’s your best friend! He took me to see his friend who owns his own practice. I told him that I didn’t want to go to the hospital because they would want to do surgery and I wanted to avoid that.” If there was one thing I had learned from being married to a lawyer, it was how to tell a lie. He knew the signs people had when they lied, and I had learned through previous incidences what my tells were. I kept my eyes focused on him, fighting hard not to avert my eyes from his, and spoke clearly. I didn’t stumble, I didn’t go into explicit detail, and I didn’t waiver as I told him my version of the truth.

“If that’s what happened, why hide your brace under the bed? Why not tell me you had gone to see someone?”

“What would you have done if I had told you, Tony?” I watched a devious smirk cross his face. “Exactly. You would have taken the brace from me and I wouldn’t have had the support I needed to get your chores done for you.”

In a flash, he had his hands tangled in my perfectly curled hair at the back of my head, pulling my head back until I was looking at the ceiling. I was waiting for the hand to come down on my face and squeezed my eyes shut, but that never happened. Instead, I heard a vanity drawer open.

I opened my eyes, trying to see what he was about to do, but my head was held so tightly in that position that I couldn’t see anything other than the white ceiling.

“Is there anything going on between you and my friend, Charlotte? And tell me the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying.” He had his mouth to my ear as he tugged even harder on the back of my hair.

My hands were trying to grasp his, hoping to lessen the pain, but they couldn’t reach. He had me in such a compromising position I couldn’t do anything but stand there and answer his question. At least my face had been contorted in pain so that he wouldn’t be able to tell the lie I was about to spew at him.

“No, Tony.” I concentrated on keeping my voice even but not so it sounded monotone. There was a fine line between the two and Tony missed nothing. “Nothing is going on. I didn’t have anyone else to call and you were right when you said I wouldn’t have been able to drive myself. I didn’t even know where to go since I knew the hospital was out of the question. Please, Tony. Nothing is going on. He’s your friend and the only other person I know. I swear,” I cried, hoping he would believe me and let me go.

“You better not be lying to me, Char. So help me, God, if you are.”

“I’m not. I swear it,” I pleaded, trying to hold back the sobs that were wracking my body. It made him angrier when I cried, so over the years, I had perfected holding them in.

I heard them before anything happened. The sound of scissors opening and closing. That was what he had pulled from the drawer and I tried to brace myself for what he would do with them. He had hit me with things before, but scissors weren’t used for hitting. My mind went into a tailspin wondering which part of my body he would slice, and if it would be fatal. My stomach clenched as I wondered if it would be a stab or a cut… or how many. I wondered if it would be fast or if he would let me bleed out slowly.

Images of my body, bleeding on the bathroom floor flooded my mind. What would happen to me? Would he leave me there? Would he call for help and make it seem as though I had tried to kill myself? Would he wrap my body in the shower curtain and dump me someplace, only to be found by wild animals? I went cold, violently shaking as my mind whirled with questions and scenarios that no one should ever have, waiting for his move.

Tony’s hand moved in my hair and that’s when I felt it. He didn’t stab me or cut away at my skin. He began chopping away at my hair. The tears stung my eyes as they tumbled out and down my cheeks, dripping into my ears from the angle my head was tilted back in. The cold tears muffled the sounds around me, only letting me hear my own sobs and pleas. The thought of further punishments didn’t even cross my mind as the tears escaped my eyes and the pleading words passed my lips. This was far worse than anything else he could’ve done to me. He knew how much I treasured my long locks. He knew! I couldn’t hold the tears back as my heart shattered into a million pieces. My hair! He was cutting my hair!

The hard truth hit me as I silently wished that he would have stabbed or cut me instead of cutting off my beautiful locks.

Once he was finally done hacking away at my hair, he released his hold on me. The release was so sudden that I stumbled and my arms flailed, searching for something to grasp on to. I grabbed the counter and concentrated on keeping my gaze down. I didn’t want to look at myself, fearful of what I would look like. But as I looked down, avoiding my reflection, I saw the long pieces of hair scattered on the floor around my feet. The devastation and loss hit me as I started crying harder, louder as defeat consumed me.

My fingers began nervously running through the hair he had left on my head, wondering how short he had taken it. I felt it just beneath my shoulders, thankful he hadn’t taken it all off. The loss I felt was so great that I had a hard time pulling myself together. I quickly adverted my eyes so that I couldn’t see the beautiful curling strands that were dead on the floor, no longer shrouding me.

“If I find out you’re lying to me, I’ll use a razor and shave it all off. This is just a warning, Char. If I have even an inkling that anything is going on, things will be worse for you. If there’s anything, anything going on at all, it had better end now. Because you won’t want to know what will happen if I find out my wife is going behind my back with my best friend.” His voice was cold and hard, sending shivers through my body.

I finally looked into the mirror, but not at my reflection. I would avoid that at all costs for as long as I could muster. Instead, I looked into his dark eyes. The evilness I could see in them still surprised me, even though I had seen evidence of it numerous times.

“And you won’t want to know what I’d do to Sean—or any man—if I find out you’re fucking someone else.” With that, he turned and left the room, calling out over his shoulder, “And clean that mess up.”

Twenty minutes later, after sweeping up what had been my security and depositing it in the trash, I found the courage to approach him. He was sitting in the living room, watching TV, acting as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened earlier. The hardness in his shoulders had vanished and he was chuckling along to whatever childish show he was watching.

“Tony,” I began, hoping the nervousness wasn’t as evident in my voice as I had believed. “Can I please go to the salon so that they might be able to fix my hair?”

He glanced over at me, losing the smile from his face and scowling at me. “Please do. I don’t want anyone questioning my taste in women, even though they already do. Your hair looks awful.” Then he turned back to the television and began laughing again as if I didn’t deserve any additional attention. It was a complete snub, but one I was grateful for; it meant he was done torturing me for the moment.

I didn’t waste any time gathering my keys and purse, leaving before he could change his mind. I rushed to a local salon, begging them to fix it. I made up an excuse that my child had cut my hair while I was napping. They seemed to have bought it, giving me looks of sympathy as they began to correct the horrible job Tony had done to me.

Just as the woman was blow drying my new style, which left my hair at my shoulders in long layers, a text came through my phone. I recognized the number immediately and opened it up.

What’s going on? I just got off the phone with Tony. He was asking me all kinds of questions about us. He said you weren’t home. Where are you? I’m worried!