Highfall (15 page)

30

Late that night, on the day of their “wedding”, when Stefan got back home Monica was not there.  One glance was enough to see that she had collected her belongings and left.  Stefan took a deep breath and a slight smile visited his lips.  He felt freedom and peace.  He was unhappy and lonely, but at least he was no longer with someone he didn't want to be with.

“The only right thing I've done in the last two years,” Stefan thought to himself.  That was perfectly true because he had done not one single right thing since Annika had walked out of his life.

Stefan went into the bedroom.  Monica's white dress lay on the bed - lifeless and cold.  There was a black envelope on top of it.  Stefan opened the letter and started reading:

“
Dear Stefan,

I know that karma exists and it finally caught up with me.  What I did was wrong and unfair.  But it’s not what we did to Annika that I am thinking of now.  I somehow managed to put that behind me.  What I did was in fact much worse.  I lied to myself.  I convinced myself that you had put it all behind you too.  That you loved me and that everything would be okay.  I knew it was not true, but I wanted it so badly that eventually my lies became my illusions of the truth.  You were too drugged and too wrecked to do anything, and I took advantage of that.  In the church you finally stood up for yourself, which means that there is still hope for you.

Take care!

Monica
”

Stefan read the words and something inside him moved.  No, it was not sympathy or regret.  He did not feel sorry for Monica either.  What moved him was the last phrase. …
’’there is still hope for you”
.  Was it true?  He so badly wanted it to be true.

Stefan threw the wedding dress to the floor and lay on the bed with his boots on.  He opened the bedside drawer to get his fix.  Nervously he moved his hand deeper inside the drawer.

“SHIT!” Stefan cursed.

“Fuck you, Monica, you cannot even leave gracefully.”

Stefan could not believe that Monica had taken absolutely everything they had.  “She will not be spending on heroin for at least a week,” he thought enviously.

Stefan punched the buttons of his mobile with trembling fingers.  After a very short conversation with the dealer he lay back and closed his eyes.

In twenty minutes his friend arrived with the blissful powder.  Stefan immediately used it.  The needle and his flesh met each other impatiently as if it was their long awaited wedding night.   The night Stefan and Monica were supposed to have had…

****

Stefan was asleep.  His mobile was ringing hysterically.  He tried to ignore it, but the ringtone was very persistent.  When Stefan could finally stand it no longer, he stretched out his hand and punched the green button.

“Hello.”

He sounded like a voice from the grave.

“Hey Stefan, did I wake you up?” said Flame.

“Sure you did, man! What’s so urgent?” Stefan barked back.

“I have some important news for you!”

“If it’s not about Annika, then I don’t want to know,” Stefan said, and hit the red button.

In exactly two seconds the mobile started its hysterical noise again.

“What is it?”  Stefan was tired and sleepy, and definitely not in the mood for conversation.

“Don’t hang up!”  Flame was determined to complete his mission.

“What is it Flame?  Keep it short!”

“Monica is dead.”  Flame could not have been shorter.

Stefan looked at the wedding dress still lying on the floor.  He could not believe it.  It could not be true.  A flashback of Monica’s wide open eyes looking at him in church came into his mind.

“No….”

“Put something on.  I’m coming to pick you up.  Don’t want to leave you alone.”

Flame was concerned and worried.  He did not want things to get even more dramatic.  They were already quite bad enough.

Stefan went to the wardrobe and pulled out a T-shirt and a pair of ripped jeans.  His movements were mechanical.  He still could not comprehend what had happened.

****

Flame called again about twenty minutes later.

“Yes, Flame,” Stefan answered immediately.

“I am in my car, waiting outside your apartment.  Get down here,” Flame answered.

“Okay.”

Flame watched Stefan coming out of the building.  He looked lost and spaced out.  Walking towards the car Stefan looked up at the sky several times.  Dark clouds were gathering and the air was humid.  It seemed as if the sky would be crying for Monica today, he thought.

“Hi.”

Stefan got in.

“Hi,” Flame looked at him with sympathy.  He could imagine how guilt might be devouring Stefan from within.  It must be a terrible feeling, especially when things can’t be undone.

“What happened?” Stefan longed for details.  He needed to hear that it was an accident and that Monica had not done anything herself.

“Heroin overdose,” said Flame in a flat voice.

Stefan covered his face with shaking hands and wept.  He stamped his foot on the car floor several times and kept on weeping.  Flame felt helpless.  He could not do anything to make things easier for Stefan.  There was nothing anyone could do any more.  It was too late for him.  Too late in all respects…

Stefan tried to regain his composure.  He breathed deeply several times and wiped away his tears.  Tears would not wash his guilt away, and unhappily he knew that.

Then he asked the question, although he was very scared of the answer.

“Was it suicide?  Did she leave a note?”  He looked at Flame with begging eyes.

“There was no note.  No proof that it was suicide… but of course no one knows for sure.”

Flame was honest.  He was not hiding anything.  Nobody really knew or ever would.

Stefan nodded.  He visualized the small plastic bags that Monica had taken from his drawer.  There had been enough to stay carefree for about a week.  Did she do it on purpose, or maybe she was so upset and stressed that she just paid no attention to how much she took?

“So what do we do?”

“I have no idea.  I just want to make sure you don’t do the same.  It would be better if you stayed at my place tonight.”

“Okay.”

Stefan did not care much where he spent the night.  He knew for sure that he was not going to sleep.  They went to a supermarket and, on autopilot, bought everything they might need for the evening.  Frozen pizzas, beers, cigarettes, Red Bull, water, peanuts, crisps and some other things... Stefan still had two small plastic bags of white powder in his pocket from the day before.

When they got out of the car Stefan realised that he had never been to Flame’s new place, although Flame had moved many years before.  It was painful to realise that he had never thought about it and, if he were to be honest with himself, hadn’t really cared either.

31

Annika and Vasko had a wonderful honeymoon.  They enjoyed the perfect weather, amazing beach and the company of interesting new people.  There was a new culture, a luxurious hotel, tasty food, and lots of sex and sun.

Although they had had many trips together before - this one was special.  They had an inexplicable feeling of peace which made them feel blissfully happy.  Annika kept the promise she’d made to herself and did not think of Stefan.  It seemed as if she had finally freed herself of the obsession.  She’d found her man and was planning to stick to him from now on.  Annika was determined to put the past behind her and get over it once and for all.

Vasko intuitively felt the new level of their intimacy.  He could feel that Annika had taken away the invisible barrier which had stood between them at the emotional level.  This was their first trip where Vasko was not troubled by doubts relating to Stefan, nor did he spend his time comparing himself to him and wondering what Stefan would do in Vasko's shoes.  The   realisation that Stefan would never be in his shoes, that Vasko had finally managed to bypass him and that from now on Stefan no longer constituted a worrying potential threat was gratifying.  Vasko felt like someone who had finally achieved his greatest dream.  Absolutely nothing remained to sour matters.

As for Annika, she kept her promise and did not think of Stefan at all.  It seemed as though she had at last got him out of her system.  That, at least, was what she thought.

People say that the first man in a woman’s life always stays special and is never forgotten.  That may be true, but Annika’s story was different.  Falling in love with a drug addict and being almost killed by him did not fit the standard pattern.

****

Once they came home, everything went crazy.  While still at the airport they saw that each of them had around thirty voicemail messages on their mobiles.  Vasko had also sent postcards to their friends.  Maybe he shouldn’t have.   From the very first messages he realised that most of their friends were annoyed and even insulted not to have been told the big news in the proper manner, which meant – in advance and in person.

Only now did Annika think about their parents.  She wondered how they had reacted to the note Vasko had sent.  Something told her that Vasko’s mum would not be happy…

There seemed to be a lot to deal with now that they were back to real life.

“Don’t worry, Annika,” said Vasko, reading her thoughts.  “We will go home and discuss things, but first we’ll take a shower, have something to eat, and relax.”

His reassuring smile made Annika happy.  She thought that no matter what lay ahead of them she had already won the lottery and that the occasional disagreement would not spoil that.

32

Annika was at the supermarket when her mobile rang.  It was from an unknown number.

“Hello.”

“Hi Annika.  It’s Flame.”

Annika froze for a second.  With Flame’s voice everything from the past came rushing back to her memory.  Her mobile was like a Pandora’s box which she had just opened.

“Oh,” was all she managed to say.

“I know you were not expecting me to call and maybe I shouldn’t have, but there is something I think you have a right to know.”

Annika intuitively knew that something very important and irreversible had happened.  Otherwise he would not have called.  Terrible panic gripped her chest at this realization.

Stefan… oh no, Stefan…

“What is it?  Stefan?  What happened, Flame?  For God’s sake hurry up.  Tell me what happened.”

“No, Annika.  Calm down.  Stefan is fine.  Well, at least it’s not about him.”

“Thank God.” Annika breathed again, but her hands were still shaking.

“What is it then?”

“Monica.”

“I don’t want to hear about her.”  She was still bitter and could not forgive her best friend.

“Well, you won’t anymore, that’s for sure,” Flame said with a sad voice.

“What do you mean?”

“I just called to say that she died yesterday and the funeral is tomorrow.  Just in case you wanted to come,” said Flame very fast, because he wasn’t sure that Annika would not cut the call short and switch off her mobile.

“I see.  Thanks for calling,” said Annika in shock.

“Will you come?” Flame was curious to know.

“I don’t know,” Annika answered and rang off.

Annika stood rooted to the spot for a few minutes.  She could not digest the news.

When she returned to the world around her, she thought of going to the nearest café.  She needed to be alone to think.  This was a situation she had to cope with on her own.  Vasko was the one she always relied on and, had it been another matter, she would have run straight to him for advice.  But this was different and Vasko could not be objective this time.  She had to seek her own counsel and decide – alone.  She needed some time and some place where she could hear her inner voice. 

When she went out, it was pouring with rain just like on the day at the bus stop, just like on the day Stefan ran into her in his black car… Was the past coming back to haunt her now that everything was finally perfect?

Annika ran to the coffee shop on the opposite side of the street.  She got soaked in the process but that did not matter.

She chose a table next to the window and ordered brandy flavoured cappuccino.  Then Annika leaned back and closed her eyes.  She recalled Monica.

Monica and Annika used to live in the same building.  They’d known each other from when they were children playing in the courtyard.  When they grew up they went to the same school.  While everyone liked Annika and she had many friends, Monica was very shy and withdrawn.  She was the kind of person whose absence people didn’t notice.  A quiet girl, neither her presence nor her absence made any difference to the class.  No one ever bothered whether she was there or not.

When they were teenagers, boys did not pay much attention to Monica either.  That reinforced her lack of self-confidence and her insecurity.  With time her face became prettier and, as they got older, the time she put in at the gym paid off by making her more attractive.  Unfortunately it was already too late.  Monica’s insecurity was by then deeply rooted and she never regained her self-confidence.

It is difficult to say whether her friendship with Annika was genuine or if she simply hung out with Annika because Annika was the only one who really cared about her.  Annika’s was the shoulder she cried on.  Annika was the keeper of her secrets, the giver of good advice and the provider of emotional support.  Since Monica did not have her own friends, Annika’s friends became hers too.  They hung around together and Monica enjoyed her new status of being a party girl.

Her desperate need for attention and her emotional vulnerability were the main reasons why she got attracted to Dick, Stefan and the drugs they introduced her to.  Drugs made her feel attractive, brave and happy.  They neutralized the feeling of loneliness, killed all her complexes and brought ease and excitement to her life.

Since Annika worked all day, Monica spent most of the afternoon with Stefan and the drug junkie gang.  They would drive out together to get their daily dose and then spend the rest of the afternoon and the evenings at Stefan’s and Annika’s place.

Annika had not realized how deeply addicted Monica had become.  For a long time she did not know that Monica was injecting herself too.  By the time Annika found out, it was too late.  Monica was already on a high daily dose and did not even want to talk about the subject.  She did not want to be “saved by the perfect Annika” as she put it.  Whenever Annika broached the subject, Monica became aggressive.  After a certain period their friendship started fading away.  They were still friends, but Annika realised that it had become a one-way relationship.  Monica was concerned only with her own problems, complained about her personal life and, in her self-centred way, never even asked how Annika was doing.  Annika realised that she was just a tool Monica used to feel better.  Just like the drugs …

Annika’s eyes filled with tears.  She thought that, after all, Monica had been an extremely unhappy person who longed for attention, warmth and love.  She never got what she longed for.  But if you thought of it that way, it did not seem so very much to want really, did it?

Maybe that’s why Stefan and Monica got along so well, Annika thought.  They were equally miserable lonely souls… Maybe...

Annika sank into all kinds of “what if’s” and different emotions started to rekindle inside her.  In her mind she went back to the times when everything was perfect.  When she was in love with Stefan, when Monica was a friend and not an enemy and when she still did not know how complicated life could be.

After two and a half hours, two cappuccinos and a load of memories Annika decided that she needed to go to the funeral.  Maybe that funeral would give her closure and she would finally be able to bury the past for good.