Hidden Heart (26 page)

Tessa turned her head away
and withdrew her hand as fast as she could. She averted her
eyes.

“
Why? I told you I don’t
want to see anyone, why did you make her come?”

“
I…I thought you would feel
better if you have both of us here.” Chiara’s voice sounded choked
up.

“
Why does everyone think
they get to decide what I want? Every single day I ask to be left
alone and every single day you’re back. Now you brought Octavia,
too.” Tessa stood and slapped her thighs. Her hair spilled in
disarray around her face, down her shoulders and back. A skimpy
gown covered her bony body.

She knew she hurt her
sisters with her words, but hoped they’d give up and leave her
alone. Like she deserved to be—alone, where no one could hurt her,
and she could hurt no one else.

She walked to the door,
opened it and came face to face with Alessandro, who had his hand
on the knob.

“
And you? Why are you still
here? Does anybody listen to what
I
want?” She hit him in the chest with her fists.
The more she hit him, the angrier she felt. “Why, why, why?” she
screamed at him.

She screamed at the
world.

A nurse and a doctor
approached, but Alessandro lifted his palm signaling them to
stop.

Tessa’s sobs turned to a
whimper. She buckled against Alessandro’s body, her fists weaker
and weaker.

Alessandro stood there
helplessly and took her fury. He didn’t wince; he didn’t try to
stop her. Instead, he scooped her up in his arms and walked back
into the room, slamming the door with his foot. He felt her go
rigid in his arms, but she probably was too tired to fight him. He
sat in a chair, holding her tight. She tried to push him away, but
he didn’t ease his hold on her. He motioned Chiara to bring a
blanket. He took it and covered Tessa’s shivering body and held her
until she stopped weeping.

He lifted her hair away
from her face and played with it like he used to. He rested his
cheek on top of her head, like he used to. He caressed her arm and
intertwined his fingers with hers, like he used to.

Tessa sniffled and sighed.
She gave in, relaxing in Alessandro’s arms and closed her eyes. She
used to feel safe here, and love the tenderness of his embrace. She
would drown in his masculine smell. There was a time when his body
felt like a shield that protected her from pain.

She didn’t have that
anymore.

“
I’m tired,” she said after
a while.

Alessandro squeezed her one
more time, then stood and placed her on the bed. He tucked her in
and kissed her forehead.

“
I’ll be here when you wake
up,” he said and walked out.

Chiara and Octavia neared,
kissed her goodnight and left quietly.

***

“
I’ve done some research on
my own. We can either let her stay in this hospital or take her
home. I don’t think she’s getting the help she needs. I can take
her with me to Italy and find a real doctor, a real psychiatrist.
The problem is that I need to find one that speaks English. It
might take me a while,” Alessandro said.

Chiara, Octavia and
Alessandro sat at a table in the hospital’s cafeteria. Octavia was
introduced to him officially, and much as it had been with Chiara,
they found they liked each other right away.

“
We should request her
immediate release and maybe find a private clinic here in town,”
Chiara said. “Unfortunately the Romanian medical system is corrupt
like so many other organizations; I have no idea if there is a
better place for her. There are no support groups, nothing. And the
doctors and nurses always have their hands stretched out, always
waiting to be bribed. What are the poor people doing that have no
money; are they left to die?” She shook her head, then took a sip
of her coffee.

“
How long do you plan to
remain in town?” Alessandro asked.

“
A month for now,” Octavia
said. “I might be able to come back later. I hate to leave her
alone.”

“
I might need to go back
for a few days, but I should be able to stay for a while, at least
until I see she can survive on her own,” Chiara added. “Do we take
her home to her apartment or to Mama’s house?”

“
I’m afraid her apartment
is not a good idea. Mama’s house could give her a sense of
safety…but then it may also hurt her…I’m not sure she coped very
well with Mama’s death,” Octavia said.

Alessandro sighed and
pushed a hand through his hair. “I don’t think she’d come to live
with me, no matter how much I wish she’d come.”

Chiara’s face lit up with
hope. “How about her cabin in the mountains?”

Chapter 14

November
in the mountains was cold and rainy. The grass
around Tessa’s cabin had turned to yellow, then to brown. Dewdrops
looked like white pearls in the morning’s light. Only the forest
wore its dark green coat and the strong smell of fir wood filled
the damp air. The top of the mountains hid behind low, grey
billows. Occasionally, the sun’s rays penetrated the cloudy curtain
enough to warm the chilly air.

Tessa’s days felt
monotonous since her sisters and Alessandro brought her there. She
had an empty, dark hole in her heart that didn’t seem to heal. She
couldn’t stop thinking about her mama’s letter, of how she had
nearly aborted Tessa—the very thing Tessa had almost done to her
own child, only to lose it anyway. Combined with the thought of all
the years she’d wasted on Daniel’s false love, she felt less than
worthless.

She withdrew even more and
spoke only when necessary. She’d spend her days sitting on the
porch, looking nowhere. Alessandro went into town and bought her a
rocking chair. She sat in it for hours, rocking listlessly. When
she’d come inside, she’d sit in the living room, away from anyone,
her eyes darting to the dark corners of the room and refusing
everything offered. The only thing she requested from her apartment
was the book “Gone with the Wind,” though she didn’t read it,
didn’t even open the cover. When her sisters asked what she wanted
to do with the apartment, she simply said, “Burn it.”

Each day, either Chiara or
Octavia took her out for walks. She’d refused in the beginning, but
Chiara threatened not to give her pills. She’d bargained for every
bite Tessa ate, for every step she’d made, for every word she’d
spoken.

None of Tessa’s clothes fit
anymore; sweaters and pants hung shapelessly on her frail body.
Before she was released from the hospital, she asked a nurse to
bring her scissors under the pretext she had to cut a ribbon. When
Alessandro returned from the bathroom just a few minutes later, he
found her chopping her hair. Too late to try to stop her; her
beautiful thick, wavy hair lay on the floor at her feet. It looked
as if she’d taken a hacksaw to it. Chiara took her to a hair salon,
against her protests. When the stylist asked what haircut she’d
like she had said, “Shave it.” At the shocked look on the lady’s
face, Chiara quickly added that her sister was just joking. The
stylist managed to make it look decent with a jaw-length bob cut.
Tessa didn’t care; she barely even bothered to brush it in the
mornings.

The nights were the worst.
Sometimes she begged to be killed while fighting something or
someone. Sometimes the nightmares were so bad, Chiara had to
administer her a shot to calm her down. And sometimes Alessandro
had to carry her in the bathroom, turn on cold jets and hold her
until she woke up.

Each night she tried to
stay awake as long as possible, but eventually she’d yield to sleep
only to dream of Daniel again and wake up shrieking. When she was
awake, the voices in her head reminded her constantly of what a
horrible person she was. When she slept, Daniel attacked her. There
was no escape.

Only death.

She tried to overdose;
Alessandro entered the kitchen and found her with a fistful of
pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Since then,
they’d kept all her medication under lock and key. Another day
she’d locked herself in her room and had used Alessandro’s razor
blade on her wrists. Her sisters stood on the other side of the
door begging her to open the door. Alessandro finally knocked the
door down and saved her again. Now, no room had a door—only some
curtains made of bed sheets nailed above each entry. No sharp
utensils were kept unlocked and someone stayed close by at all
times, watching and keeping her from trying to hurt herself again.
She was a hazard to herself and they feared her suicidal
attempts.

Her life had been shattered
and putting it back together didn’t seem worthwhile to
her.

***

“
Time for a walk,” Chiara
said and wrapped a cloak over Tessa’s shoulders.

Tessa stood and went down
the stairs from the porch, walking slowly, holding the cloak close
to her body. She jerked when she felt Chiara’s arm under her elbow,
but let it rest there.

Soon, the slippery mud
dirtied their boots. It had rained the night before and puddles
formed everywhere. The mountains surrounding the area disappeared
underneath the heavy, dark clouds.

“
I’m leaving soon,” Chiara
said after they walked for a while. “I’ll come again, but not for a
while. I’ll try to call eve—”

“
I don’t want you to come
back,” Tessa said.

Her voice cut Chiara’s
heart like a knife in raw flesh. Too many times she’d spoken with
the same cruel tone.

Chiara blinked back her
tears. She shook her head and swallowed hard, then said in an even
voice, “I’ll feel better if I know you are not alone.”

“
And
I
’d feel better if everybody would
leave me
alone
.”

Chiara stopped and forced
Tessa to face her. She averted her eyes and took a step aside, but
Chiara’s hand around her elbow made her stop.

“
Why do you resent me… us?
What have we done to deserve your hatred?” Chiara already regretted
her outburst, but she could no longer witness her little sister’s
depression and self-destructive tendencies without wanting her to
snap out of it and go back to her normal being. She had been
suffering for too long.

Tessa gave a short humph,
then said, “Well, excuse me,
princess
Chiara for not being able to
warm up to you; excuse me for taking the spotlight away from you. I
know how you thrive on it, but I haven’t asked for
this
. Nor did I ask you
or Octavia to hover over me like a mother hen over its chick. Go
back to your glamorous and glittering life and leave me alone.” She
freed her elbow from her sister’s grip and walked away.

Tessa’s anger hurt Chiara;
she saw the shocked and wounded look on her sister’s face. She knew
that by trying to punish herself for her crimes, she implicitly
hurt the people around her, but that was the way her survival
mechanism worked these days. Anger seemed to be the only real
emotion she felt since the attack.

She walked alone for a
while, then returned to the house. Her sisters didn’t hear her
enter as they continued talking.

“
She desperately needs some
therapy or she’ll go cuckoo,” Chiara’s crying voice broke down.
“She wants us gone, but how are we supposed to trust that she won’t
try to hurt herself again?”

“
I’ve lost contact with
what’s going on in this country, but we might need to put her into
a safe place, like an asylum, or som—”

At the sight of Tessa,
Octavia stopped mid-sentence. She took several steps backwards.
Chiara turned to see Tessa in the doorway. She stood and went to
stand by Octavia’s side.

Tessa walked to the middle
of the room with clenched fists at her sides, her hot, fevered
stare and twisted mouth tight. She stopped in front of her
sisters.

With a shaky, raged-filled
voice, Tessa said, “Put me in an asylum? Go ahead; try to get rid
of me like Mama wanted to.” She snarled, hit her palms over her
hips, and then continued, “You’re no better than she was; the only
difference is that now I can decide for myself. I want you both to
leave me and forget I’m your sister—I’m not.”

Chiara and Octavia drew
closer, looked confused at each other, then back at her.

Tessa walked to the little
table near the couch, pulled an envelope out of her book and threw
it towards her sisters.

“
Here’s the proof. I’ve
asked you to leave me alone, but obviously you all think you know
better what’s best for me. I’m not crazy. I just want to be left
alone. And when you leave, don’t come back. You both left me many
years ago. It’s too late now to develop any relationship; with Mama
gone, we can give up the pretence of warm, fuzzy sisters. We
aren’t.” She slammed the door on the way out.

Tessa walked behind the
house, squatted and rocked on her feet. Rushed, loud breaths heaved
her chest. She stood and walked, faster and faster until she began
running. She couldn’t run as fast as she used to, but she kept
running further away. The cold air whizzed in and out of her lungs
with a raspy sound. Raindrops mixed with her tears. Mud stuck to
her boots and she struggled to keep moving. Her cold, drenched
clothes clung coldly on her body. She fell to her knees in a pile
of mud, rage choking her. She lifted fistful of mud upward and
looked at the sky.