Hidden Faults (26 page)

“Setting that aside....”

His patience in the face of my rudeness finally shamed me into answering. As briefly as I could because it hurt to talk about this, I told him about Neim, the man’s son, and the stupidity of his death. “He died happy, he said. He could have lived years and years without the naksen—”

“In prison.”

“
No! Not a real prison, just a...he was living on the streets, Hermi! A homeless drunk with nothing to live for. I gave him a place to live, a reason to live, and he wanted to be off the naksen, so I arranged that.” I bit my lip. “But if anyone had unfinished business, it was him. He was so upset about my not helping him over his son. I know that was bothering him. If he’d killed himself because of that, it would have made sense, but not—”

“
But he
told
you, Jodi,” Kir interjected. “He wanted to die happy. For him, that was as good as it was gonna get. In his situation, I’d have done it different, but I get it. What was he looking forward to? He ain’t got his boy, he’s either gonna be a prisoner or on fucking drugs. Right there and then, he was at peace. So he killed himself because he wanted not to lose that.”

“
So I did kill him.” I wiped at my eyes. “He took my gift and spat it back in my face. All I deserved, thinking what a wonderful thing it was that I was doing.”

Hermi leaned forward and patted my knee. “Jodi, to die at peace is not spitting in your face. Neim knew what the future held for him, and he’d had enough. You gave him dignity and a choice, and so few of our kind have that any more. I’m sure he blessed you with his last breath, not cursed you.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “This is why he moved on. He left regrets, of course. But his spirit was freed. He’s reborn, and who knows, may even meet his son again in the boy’s lifetime.”

“It’s a nice story. I wish I believed it.”

“Even if you can’t, I think you’re being too hard on yourself about your role in his death. Your intentions were good.”

“
I thought if I could find a way to end paranormality, it would mean you could all lead normal lives.”

Kir looked away. I’d have given anything to be able to read
his
mind right then.

Hermi’s kind gaze forced my attention back to him.
“You weren’t the first to think so by any means. Naksen’s predecessors were developed principally as a way of helping empaths. It can be a very difficult gift, as is telepathy. Unlike telepathy, however, people can’t be taught to shield against us. We pretty much get everything,” he added with a dry little laugh.

“I didn’t help anyone, did I? My work, my research...I just added to the torture.”

“
Your motives were pure. It may take some time for you to make peace with your past. More time than this evening when you’re clearly tired and upset, and need to be in bed, not being stirred up. We can talk of this again, as many times as you wish. I'm truly sorry that I spoke of my Spiritist beliefs without exploring your personal history of grief in private.”

I shook my head. “I was the arse, Hermi.”

“A man who’s had a great deal to bear in a very short time. Only a fool would blame you for that. Get some rest, Jodi.”

Kir stood. “Come on. Hermi’ll tell the others and you should hit the sack.”

“I'm sorry,” I said.

“Can everyone stop fucking apologising?” Kir complained. “You’re making me cranky.”

Hermi let out a little laugh. “Poor Kir. I can’t even say sorry for saying sorry.” Kir poked his tongue out. “Good night, my dear boys. Sleep well, Jodi, and know that in your belief and in mine, Neim is at peace, whatever he suffered in this life. Take comfort from that.”

“I’ll try. Good night.”

~~~

Kir walked me back to my room, saying nothing until we reached the door. I turned to him and grabbed his arm.

“I’ll understand if you say no...but would you stay with me tonight?”

He nodded and opened the door. “I’ll be back in a tick—just need to clean up and stuff.”

When I came back from cleaning my teeth, I found him wearing a bathrobe and sitting on the bed, his clothes neatly folded on the chair. “Are you sure about this? You’re being very patient with my idiocy, Kir. I feel such a damn fool.”

“You ain’t no fool. This stuff’s hard. I got an advantage, cos I can see inside Hermi’s head, tell he ain’t lying. You can’t.”

“No. Though I wouldn’t want either of your talents, actually.”

“Being an empath sucks. They’re great people—they have to be—but they get all the shit.”

“So do you.”

He shrugged. “You just want to sleep?”

I went to him and cupped his cheek, stared into his dark eyes. “What do you want?”

His arms went around my thighs. “Uh...you? Would you mind?”

“Not at all.”

I slipped the bathrobe off his shoulders, and admired the fine body before me—lean and dark, with a runner’s build and scars that spoke of too many awful things that happened a long time ago.

“Think you could bring yourself to fuck me?”

His expression became shyly pleased. “You’d let me?”

“You could hardly make me. Yes, of course I’d let you.”

“Gotta undress you first.”

“By all means.”

I had to smile at his intent expression as he stripped me, as if afraid he might break something. “I’m not fragile, Kir.”

“I know. I just...you’re so pretty. I want to take my time.”

And he did, his hands stroking over every square midec of my skin, exploring like he’d never seen a man before. After subsisting for so long on furtive blow jobs and hand jobs from complete strangers, it was a luxury I hadn’t expected, intense and intensely strange.

At last he’d laid me bare, and I had apparently passed his inspection because he stood there, smiling at me and my erection.

“Are you just going to look?”

“
No. You’re so beautiful
. I never seen someone so good-looking.”

“Hmmm. Dede checked your eyesight lately?”

He stuck his tongue out at me. “Cheeky bugger.”

He put his arms around me, and I crushed him close to me as I kissed him.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “For what I said, what I thought—for what you went through. I was living like a privileged little prince and you were being punished, and yet we’re the same.”

“Weren’t your fault.”

“It was done in my name. The name of ‘normals’.”

“You gotta let it go, Jodi. The hate eats you alive if you don’t. I learned that.”

I leaned back a little so I could look at him. “You’re still angry.”

“Well, yeah. Cos I ain’t perfect and I can’t help seeing....” He took a deep breath. “Hermi helps.”

“I’m glad he does. I don’t know how he bears it, but I’m glad he can.”

“Two-edged sword, see? Empaths need people, but people hurt them.”

“You’re the same. You need people, but they hurt you.”

“Yeah, I guess.” He gave me a half-smile. “‘S funny. I was almost lonely when they sprung me from prison. I never slept on my own before. Felt cold.”

“That’s why you like sleeping with me?”

“You mind?”

“Of course I don’t mind. You’re the one helping me. You all are. I hope I reach the point soon where I can repay the favours.”

“We don’t think like that.”

“I do. So, take me to bed?”

His manner was gentle in a way that told me that he knew what it was like when someone wasn’t gentle, and worried too much that he hurt me, even though his talent should have told him he hadn’t. He made love with skill and consideration, and I wondered where he had learned, because I doubted anyone in prison had taught him anything other than to fear.

For me, it was enough that he looked me in the eye as he fucked me, that his hand on my cock felt exquisitely hard, and his cock filled me like we were made to be joined this way. His kisses when he came were desperate and grateful and so sweet that I felt a bastard all over again for the way I’d spoken to him earlier, for what I’d thought.

He insisted on cleaning us up, which I tolerated only so long as it took, then I grabbed the cloth and threw it in the general direction of the little sink. I dragged him down so I could hold him and kiss him some more.

“I think Dede’s right.” He raised his eyebrows questioningly at my words. “Sexual function has returned.”

He grinned
and settled in my arms. I turned the light off. A small green lamp remained glowing over the door. Safety feature, I supposed. The stone, windowless walls seemed less oppressive in the dark.

I was tired but my mind was too busy to sleep. I probably kept Kir awake but I didn’t want him to use his talent on me again. It was useful, but a little disturbing to be under someone’s control that easily.

“Kir, these Weadenisis—they’re Spiritists? Hermi hinted they weren’t exactly.”

“
They are and they ain’t. They believe in the communion of the spirits, but they think only paranormals have souls. They think everyone else are dumb animals. Gotta say, I can understand why they think that.”

“You don’t like normals, do you?”

“
I ain’t had the best experience of them. Some are okay. We work with a lot in Vizinken, other places. They help smuggle minor paras out of the country. They don’t all hate us, and some suffered as bad as we did, nearly. They lost their families, like Neim’s son did. But most normals just think we’re vermin.”

“I never thought that. I always wanted to help.”

“Yeah. But you wasn’t.” He paused. “It ain’t you so much, just them other scientists. The ones who pushed naksen onto us. You and me and the rest of us in prison, we’re lucky the other guys kept us so short. That guy, Neim? Was probably impotent. ‘Less of course, the dealers were stealing from him too.”

“What, outside prison? I’ve never heard—”

He made a rude noise. “Oh yeah, like a para’s gonna report someone stealing his naksen? The defs would lock him up for not being up on his dose. Neim probably drank to cope with withdrawal. It’s either that, or you get all the stuff that comes from being on naksen all the time. You need to talk to Dede. It’s bad, what that stuff does. Real bad.”

I thought about protesting that I had access to all the data about naksen for my research, but then remembered what she’d said about jozidem. If she was right then there’d been a lot of relevant information concealed. Apart from anything else, it meant our approach might have been altered had we known.

“They didn’t want you to find an answer,” Kir said, answering my unspoken thoughts.

“That makes no sense. Why not find a harmless permanent solution to something they see as a problem?”

“
Yeah, I wonder why not?”

“Another conspiracy?”

“Hey, I’m just a dumb TP. What do I know?” I poked him in the side, but he had nothing more to add. “You should get to sleep.”

“Trying to. Shouldn’t have had a nap earlier.”

“Want me to help?”

“No. Thanks. You don’t have to stay if I’m keeping you awake.”

He tightened his grip on me. “Gonna stay ‘till you tell me to go.”

“Suits me,” I said, smiling as I kissed his forehead. I thought if I kept very quiet and still, my body’s weakness would catch up with me, but it didn’t. I kept thinking about Neim, and the conversation with Hermi, and spirits, and none of it made any sense.

The dark seemed to close in on me. I felt the weight of the tons of rock above me, around me, and knowing I couldn’t walk out of here any more than I could in prison, made my heart start to race, my breathing grow out of control. I forced it down, again and again, but finally, I couldn’t stand it any more. I needed to move around.

I swung out of bed, but as my hand reached for the lamp, a flame appeared from the tips of my fingers. I yelped and shook my hand, but the flames wouldn’t go away.

Jodi, calm down. Stop. Relax. It’s your powers. Nothing to be afraid of. Just think of the flames being gone. That’s it.

As the flames disappeared, I slumped back onto the bed, my heart thumping, my mouth dry with fear. “Bloody hell.” Kir’s arms slid around my chest. “I need a drink, Kir. I
really
need a drink.”

He turned the side light on, and I winced at the sudden brightness. “You think that’s a good idea?”

“I don’t care. I’ve...I’ve got to get out of this room. I’m sorry.”

I dressed quickly, nearly falling over in my haste, and bolted. Kir, who’d dressed as fast as me, was hot on my heels, following in silence. The living area was quiet and empty, the lights on low. I had no idea where the controls could be found, but Kir did and turned them up a little. The large space with its bright colours and soothing, ordinary furniture did a little to calm my nerves, but by no means enough.

“
Go sit. I’ll find you something,” he said.