Hester's Story (54 page)

‘Oh!’ Alison took the doll out of the tissue paper sheets in which she was wrapped. ‘She is so beautiful! What a lovely lacy skirt. I don’t know what to say. No one’s ever given me anything like this before. I love her!’

‘I thought you might. That’s why I decided to give her to you. She’s been lying in the dark for much too long. I took her with me everywhere for years and years. It’ll make me happy to know that you’re taking care of her.’

‘I will. I’ll look after her, I promise.’

‘And there’s something else I want to say to you,
Alison. You’re welcome at Wychwood whenever you like. I’m always here, and I’d be delighted to see you at any time. I’m sure Ruby would be too. I mean it.’

‘Thanks so much! I’d love to come and visit you. May I write to you? Will you answer?’

‘Of course. I’m a good letter-writer. It’ll be good to hear your news. I must go and get ready for the first night. Are you looking forward to it?’

Alison nodded. ‘I’ve never looked forward to a ballet before, but
Sarabande
’s different. I’m one of the backstage staff.’

‘An
important
member of the backstage staff. See you later then.’

‘Yes. And thank you.’ On an impulse, she put her arms around Hester and hugged her. ‘Thank you for everything.’

*

‘Are you going to be able to cope, Ruby?’ Hester put down her teacup and looked across the kitchen table at Ruby. ‘You’re not too tired?’

‘No, I shall manage very well. In fact, it’s strange. I feel so much better about everything. You cannot imagine how badly I’ve felt all these years. I’m sure that’s what gave me the headaches. Perhaps they’ll ease off now. D’you think you can forgive me, Hester?’

‘I’m sure I shall. I might have done the same thing, if I’d been in your shoes. And you’ve been such a good friend, and so loyal to me for so many years. That’s what I’m trying to concentrate on. I’m going to focus on that and not on the mistakes. And if I could have chosen the sort of child I wanted, I don’t think I’d have been able to come up with someone as, as wonderful as Hugo. It’s not just me, is it, Ruby? He is a good person. And he’s gifted.’

‘His adoptive mother brought him up very well.’

‘Better than I could have done, I daresay.’ Hester was fiddling with the teaspoon, turning it over and over in her hand. ‘I think Madame Olga might have been right, you know.’

‘About what? She was wrong about quite a few things, but no one ever seemed willing to cross her, did they?’

‘I don’t know if I’d have been a good mother. I don’t think I’d have had the patience to deal with baby things. I probably would have let nurses and nannies do all that. I’m also sure I’d never have given up dancing a single role for my baby. What sort of mother would that have made me?’

‘People become the kind of mothers they are, that’s all. You would have done the best you could, like everyone else.’

‘But what I mean is, I think I’ll be a good mother for a grown-up person. And Hugo and I got on long before we even knew …’

Ruby didn’t respond and Hester wondered what she was thinking. I’ve known her all these years and yet I’ve never asked her.

‘Ruby, do you mind if I ask you something? I never have before because I didn’t want to pry, but I want to know. Why haven’t you and George ever had any children?’

For a moment, Hester thought she might have made a mistake. She oughtn’t to have asked after all. Ruby was offended. She was going to say something sharp and silence all questions for ever. She might even go into a sulk.

‘We weren’t able to. That’s all.’

‘Oh, Ruby, I’m sorry. Really sorry.’

‘We haven’t let it spoil our lives,’ Ruby said calmly. ‘We’ve been very happy, just the two of us.’

Hester nodded in agreement and wondered how
truthful Ruby was being. I’ll never know that, she reflected. I’m not going to ask any more questions.

*

‘Silver?’ Silver almost let go of the armful of clothes she was carrying and turned to see Hugo following her down the covered passage towards the Arcadia. ‘Can I help you carry some of that? What is it, anyway?’

He’d caught up with her now and she handed over the plastic dry-cleaner’s bag she’d been holding. She said, ‘It’s only my stuff for the party. My dress and shoes. I wanted to get changed into it straight after the performance.’

Hugo pushed against one of the foyer doors with his shoulder and held it open for Silver. ‘Can you spare a moment? I’d like … that is, I want to say …’

‘D’you want to come to the dressing room?’

‘No, I want to go somewhere where we’re not going to be interrupted. There are things … how about this?’

‘This’ was the props room. A table, which still held the covered-up model of the
Sarabande
set, stood in the middle of the floor. On shelves from floor to ceiling all sorts of things were lined up – goblets made of
papier-mâché
, swords, lamps, jewel-boxes studded with glass gems. Two chairs were drawn up to the table and with one hand Hugo pulled one out for Silver to sit on.

‘Just a step removed from an interrogation room, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘It’s the lack of windows. Horrible. Still, no one will disturb us here. I have to say something to you, Silver.’

She couldn’t speak. Her heart was beating so hard that she wondered for a moment whether Hugo could hear it too. He smiled at her.

‘There’s no need to look so worried. I just wanted to
say this. I’ve spoken to Claudia and we’ve decided – well, I told her and she agreed – that we’re no longer … that we’ve split up, I mean. That’s all I wanted to say. Claudia and I have split up.’

Silver concentrated hard on not reacting. She felt like leaping out of the chair and shouting for joy, but she controlled herself. Maybe Hugo simply meant to keep her informed. Perhaps his breaking up with Claudia wouldn’t affect them.

‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to say. Are you all right?’

Hugo reached out and stroked Silver’s wrist with the tips of his fingers. ‘I’ve never been more all right in my life. But what about you? Do you still think I’m a monster?’

‘Yes, I think you’re disgustingly bossy as a choreographer and completely dictatorial when it comes to your dancers.’

‘Anything else apart from that?’

‘I’d have thought it was perfectly obvious. I don’t just kiss any old person who happens to come along, you know. What kind of a girl do you think I am?’

‘A magical girl. A wonderful girl.’ He stood up and reached out to pull her towards him. ‘I wanted to make sure, that’s all. That I wasn’t imagining it. That what seemed to be happening between us wasn’t part of some pre-ballet excitement, or something. I mean, we’ve hardly talked, only about
Sarabande
. There’s a whole lot of stuff I’m uncertain about. I’m older than you. You scarcely know me, outside the rehearsal room.’

‘I do know you,’ she said. ‘You talk a lot of nonsense. I know you care about
Sarabande
and so do I and I have to go and get ready for the first night. But I don’t want you wondering about me. About how I feel, I mean.’ She wrapped her arms around him. ‘Kiss
me,’ she murmured. He bent down to obey her, his mouth open and his hands stroking her back, her neck, her hair.

‘Silver …’ he breathed when she moved away from him. ‘Oh, my Silver girl …’

‘I’d better go, Hugo. I’m dancing for you tonight. Just for you.’

She picked up her bag of clothes and stepped into the corridor, wondering how long Hugo was going to sit in the props room. She needed time alone to stop the trembling that had suddenly affected all her limbs. On the way to the auditorium, she glanced out of the window and saw a quarter moon rising over the moors, looking like a slice of lemon floating in the dark sky. Only five o’clock and it was nearly night time.

*

Bloody bloody Hugo, Claudia thought. She peered at the necklace that she’d had to substitute for the gold chain which he’d taken away from her. He didn’t want her to wear it, he said, and that was that. No explanation forthcoming, or at least none until she’d insisted on a reason. It then turned out that George didn’t like the way it caught the light. She sighed and considered the strand of jade pieces that she happened to have packed in her suitcase because the colour brought out the green of her eyes. It’ll do, she told herself, but she couldn’t help thinking that the removal of the gold chain was a kind of omen.

She felt uncharacteristically nervous and when Alison had come in to wish her luck, she’d been rather chilly to her. Never mind, she would make sure to be extra nice after the first night was over. She turned to look at Silver, who was applying her make-up and being very silent about it. She wondered whether Hugo
had had a chance to tell Silver about breaking up with her. She wasn’t going to mention it. Hugo denied it had anything to do with Silver, and Claudia didn’t know whether to believe him or not. She said, ‘Oh, well. Let’s hope that all Hugo’s work on your scene with Nick pays off. I hear you’ve managed to do what he wanted. He’s so unreasonable sometimes.’

‘I think I have. We’ll have to see if I can do it again tonight.’

Silver was making a great thing about outlining her lips in such a way that talk was impossible. Oh sod it, thought Claudia. If you don’t want to talk, I’m not going to put myself out. She turned to Ilene. ‘Shall we go down and lie about on the set, Ilene? I need to think myself into Princess mode.’

‘I’ll be ready in a sec,’ Ilene answered. Claudia stood up to wait for her, thinking that Princess mode was the furthest thing in the world from the way she was feeling at this very moment. Nick hadn’t come to wish her luck. No future in that relationship, Claudia knew, and she was somewhat depressed by how little she seemed to be caring about it. Let him go back to his boys and girls and welcome. He’d do for the run here at Wychwood, but she wasn’t going to waste time on him when they went back to London. Dump before you’re dumped yourself. That had always been her rule in the past and she wished she’d had a chance to put it into use where Hugo was concerned.

*

‘I can’t believe it yet,’ Hester said. She and Edmund were sitting in the Arcadia stalls. The house lights were still up, and around them, the audience was chatting and laughing in the slightly hushed voices of people who knew they would very soon be watching a ballet that no one had ever seen before. There was no doubt
in Hester’s mind that it was this desire to be first, to be there when something was born, that filled her theatre every year. The people who came to the Arcadia knew that excellence was guaranteed. She had a reputation as someone who wouldn’t accept anything less than perfection.

‘What can’t you believe?’ Edmund turned to face her.

‘All this,’ Hester indicated the theatre, ‘going on as usual, the same as it does every year, and me, the way I feel, so very different. I’m …’

Edmund said nothing, but Hester could see he was waiting for her to gather her words into some kind of sense. That was going to be harder than he knew, because she couldn’t have expressed everything that was going through her mind even if her life depended on it. There was Hugo, at the back of the theatre. He’d told her, days ago, that he could never sit down to watch the first night and Hester understood that. He’d be anxious about every single thing that could go wrong. He’d be worrying about all the tiny details that others couldn’t even imagine. And on top of that, he’d had to contend with finding out that she was his mother. He seemed calm enough about it, but it was bound to have shaken him, as it had her. The fact, the mere fact of his life, was taking time to sink in.

As she thought this, Hester shivered. My child. He’s my baby, and I can’t believe it yet. How long will it be before I take him, take his life, for granted? What will happen now? We’ll have to decide if anyone has to be told, and if so, what to tell them. We have to talk about the future. All of this, the theatre, the house, everything, will be his one day. Has he worked that out yet? And Edmund. There’s Edmund to take into consideration too. She smiled. ‘I was thinking that in spite of having so many friends and being part of
something like the Festival, in the most important ways I’ve been alone and I’m not alone any longer. That’s an amazing feeling.’

Edmund took her hand and kissed it. She knew that if she tried to speak, the tears would come. As it was, they were threatening to fall and she took a deep breath. The house lights went down and she squeezed Edmund’s hand. As the music poured out of the speakers and filled the auditorium, he leaned close to her and whispered, ‘They’re playing our tune!’

She’d always known that that was one of the best things about Edmund – he made her laugh. He made her laugh and he was the kindest man she’d ever known. But when he kissed her, she felt eighteen again. Images – bright, glowing pictures of their lovemaking – returned to her mind. He’d touched her and stroked her and spoken soft words to her and kissed every part of her till she was transported, swept away, and now she felt herself flooded with desire, all over again. It’s me, she thought. I’m the one who’s changed. Hester stole a glance at his profile and leaned over to kiss him in the half-light. ‘My darling Edmund, do you know how much I love you?’

*

Ruby and Alison stood in the wings together, watching
Sarabande
. There was something different about a performance, Alison realised. It didn’t matter how many rehearsals you’d seen, how many times you’d walked through the stalls and around the different parts of the theatre, it wasn’t a bit like this. A special smell, a special kind of atmosphere, filled the whole building and Alison had noticed it the minute she came into the dressing room carrying the ironed costumes for her mother, Silver and Ilene.

All three of them had been sitting at the mirror,
which had good luck cards stuck all over it. Flowers in vases were lined up on a table in the corner, out of the way of the make-up, which had taken over the whole surface of the dressing-table. Ilene was drawing black lines under her eyes; Silver was applying gold eyeshadow, and Claudia was making her mouth as red as she possibly could.

‘Good luck,’ Alison said, as she hung the costumes on a rail. ‘I can’t wait to see it.’