Hester's Story (47 page)

He smiled at her and she smiled back. Suddenly, he leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the mouth and she felt a small shiver of warmth running through her and then the kiss was over.

4 January 1987

‘I love it out here,’ Hester said. ‘I try and walk for an hour every day before breakfast. It’s good to have you with me.’

She and Edmund were walking through the village on their way to the moors behind the house. ‘I almost never come past here, you know. That’s the Wellick house. I’ve pointed it out to you before, haven’t I?’

Edmund nodded. ‘Yes, you have, and quite honestly, from what you’ve told me, I’m not a bit surprised that you avoid it. Such an ugly little house!’

‘I think the poor old Wellicks did their best, you know. I can’t have been the easiest person in the world to look after. But the place looks much better now. The present owners have put a sort of garden in at least. The Wellicks weren’t interested in plants. They were too messy for Auntie Rhoda. It was nothing but a square of grass in front here, when I was a girl.’

She shivered, and saw that Edmund had noticed.

‘Are you cold, Hester?’

‘Not really. Just makes me feel funny sometimes, thinking about those days.’

They walked along in silence till the village was left behind and the moorland path rose up in front of them. Most of the snow had melted away, but a little still lay on the ground. The sky was like a stage backcloth of palest blue with streaks of white cloud
painted on it. The wintry sun had just come up and every word they spoke turned into a plume of white.

‘The snow may have melted, but it’s still freezing,’ Edmund said.

‘I’m used to the weather up here. And I’m used to getting up early from years and years of going to class. And I feel … I feel as though something that’s squeezed me and stifled me has been opened.’

‘Like taking off a corset?’

‘In a way, yes. I think this is the first day for years and years that I’ve woken up and thought of Adam as someone in the past. Before today …’

‘I know. You don’t have to tell me, Hester. You felt that he still had to be considered, you thought he was part of your life. Or could be one day?’

‘No. No, I knew he’d never be that. But I
did
take him into account. I thought of him often, had nightmares about him, too, and I used to wonder whether I still loved him. Surely the fact that I did that means that I must have, in a way? That I couldn’t let him go?’

‘You never allowed yourself to love anyone else, did you?’

She laughed. ‘It’s not as though I’ve been besieged by a thousand suitors! I haven’t been sweeping them away, you know.’

Hester was talking with such animation that she wasn’t concentrating on where her feet were. Suddenly, she stumbled over a tussock of grass. She put out a hand to catch at Edmund’s arm and he leaned forward quickly and took hold of her round the waist. For a moment, Hester was somewhere else, dragged back in memory to another fall on a sunny headland with Edmund and Marisa waiting for her on the cliff path. But this wasn’t like that. Not in the least. She blinked to dispel the memory, straightened up, and
made circles with her foot to make sure she’d done no real damage, trying to hide the shock she was feeling. Her heart was thumping and she could feel her legs trembling, not under her control.

‘Hester?’ Edmund put his hand gently on her chin and turned her face so that she was looking straight into his eyes. She was about to say something, about to reassure him that no, she hadn’t hurt herself when she saw that his gaze was full of love. His eyes shone with it. Its warmth, its intensity fell on her like the beam of a spotlight. She was aware of the weight of his hand on her shoulder through the fabric of her coat. He said her name again and then closed his eyes and brought his mouth down to meet hers. In the cold air, his lips were burning. She let herself be drawn into his arms and opened her mouth in response, and had the sensation of falling. Of spinning down into a softness and sweetness that she’d forgotten could exist. Edmund. This was Edmund.

When the kiss ended, neither of them could think of a word to say. They sat down on a ledge of rock, out of the wind and then they both started to speak at the same time.

‘I …’

‘I …’

‘You first,’ Edmund said. ‘You speak first.’

‘I don’t know what to say. I’m shaking.’

‘Me too. Hester?’

‘Yes?’

‘I love you.’

Hester looked at him. She expected him to be smiling, but his expression was serious. She said nothing. Edmund went on, ‘It’s not a sudden thing, you know. I’m not being impulsive. I’ve loved you since the first day I met you.’

‘But you never said. Why didn’t you say?’

‘I saw how you felt about Adam. From the beginning and even after everything that happened.’

‘You should have tried, Edmund. You could have said something.’

‘I thought about it many times, but in the end I was too frightened of what you might say. I wasn’t going to risk our friendship.’

‘Was it such a risk? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’d have said. I might have forgotten about Adam altogether if you’d only …’

Edmund shook his head. ‘No, you were still in love with him. Part of you. And I had no idea whether or not you found me attractive.’

‘I did,’ Hester said. ‘I do. But I thought … ’

‘What? What did you think?’ He leaned his head into her shoulder and began to kiss her neck in the gap between her hat and her scarf. She shivered and turned her face to him and they were kissing again, and Hester felt a hunger for Edmund, for his mouth and his body, that she hadn’t felt for anyone in years. She wanted to press every inch of her skin against his. She wanted to hold him close and enfold him in her body. She moved away from him a little because sitting so close to him made it impossible to concentrate.

At last she spoke. ‘I thought I was like a kind of younger sister to you. You’ve always looked after me. And you
always
had a girlfriend. I didn’t even know that you found me attractive.’

‘Girlfriends. Yes, well, I wasn’t going to pine away entirely. I could see how much in love you were with Adam. For years after you parted. Perhaps until his death.’

‘I’m not in love with Adam any longer.’ She stood up and put out her hand for Edmund. ‘And we have to make up for lost time,’ she said. ‘I think we should go back to Wychwood now.’

‘I love you, Hester. Did you hear me saying it before? I mean it.’

‘And I love you, Edmund.’

‘Not like a brother? Not like a friend?’

‘No,’ Hester said. ‘Properly. Truly.’

They walked down to the village arm in arm. All the way back to Wychwood House, as they spoke of things they should have talked about long before, one thought filled Hester’s mind to the exclusion of everything else:
He’ll come to my room tonight. He’ll be there when I wake up tomorrow. He loves me
.

*

‘Excuse me,’ said Alison, putting her head round the door of the Office, where Hester was sitting at her desk. Siggy had the
chaise-longue
all to himself.

‘Come in, come in. I’m just writing to a dear friend of mine in New Zealand. I haven’t seen you about lately.’

‘Sorry to disturb you, but I wanted to ask you something, if that’s okay.’

‘Of course. You look worried, Alison. Is anything the matter?’

Alison sat down on the
chaise-longue
next to Siggy and began to stroke his back. He opened one eye to see who was caressing him, and then closed it again. ‘He knows me, I think,’ said Alison. ‘He’s so gorgeous. I’ll miss him like anything when we go.’

‘You should get a cat of your own.’

‘My mum’d never let me. I’m at school during the term and she’s out such a lot.’

‘That’s a shame. Tell me what’s wrong, then. You look tired.’

‘I didn’t sleep very well.’ She pushed her hair back from her forehead and went on. ‘I’m worried about my dad. He said he was going to phone and we’re in the
Arcadia for so much of the day that I’m afraid I’ll miss the call and then I’d … I don’t really know what I’d do. He wrote to me, you see. Saying he’d phone.’

‘Well, I’m here most of the time and I’d make sure to let you know if I took the call. And if I’m not here, there’s the answering machine. I’m sure your father would leave a number where you could phone him, don’t you think?’

‘An answering machine! That’s brilliant. Thanks so much. I’ll stop worrying about it now.’

‘Good. I’m glad we sorted it out. It’s funny, isn’t it, how things that worry us tremendously turn out not to be so dreadful after all?’

‘I suppose so. Thanks very much, anyway. I’ve got to go and help Ruby now. She’s ironing stuff for the dress rehearsal.’

‘I can’t wait. I’ve been busy sorting out the first of the master classes for February, but I’m longing to see what Hugo’s done with Edmund’s music.’

‘I don’t like ballets usually, but this is a bit different because I’ve helped with the props and costumes. And I like the music.’

As she left the Office and closed the door behind her, Alison almost bumped into Hugo, striding at high speed towards the corridor leading to the Arcadia. He stopped when he saw her.

‘Hello, you!’ he said in a very cheerful voice.

‘Hello.’ Alison fell into step beside him. ‘Are you going to the theatre?’

‘Yes,’ said Hugo. ‘I’m just checking up on things before the dress. You okay? You look a bit tired.’

‘I didn’t sleep very well. But I’m fine now.’ A thought occurred to Alison. ‘Did Claudia tell you there was a letter from my dad?’

Hugo shook his head. ‘No, not a word. But then I’m
a bit too busy to chat to Claudia as much as I’d like to.
Sarabande
takes up all my thoughts.’

‘Is it going to be okay?’

‘Yes, I think it is. I was a bit worried about some things earlier on, but I think it’s going to be great. Silver’s going to be amazing.’

Alison heard the warmth in his voice and wondered whether she was imagining it.

‘You like her, don’t you?’ The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. Hugo sighed.

‘Is it obvious? I do like her, Alison. I hoped that I was keeping it hidden. For the moment at least. I don’t want anything upsetting Claudia now. The ballet, she must be able to concentrate on that. After it’s over, well, then, we’ll see. I’m not going to lie to you. I’m … I don’t think your mum and I are going to be together for very much longer.’

‘Don’t you love her any more?’

Hugo shook his head. ‘It’s not as simple as that. It’s just … well, it’s complicated.’

Alison found herself, surprisingly, feeling sorry for Claudia. That was funny. Yesterday, she was ready to punish her for keeping Dad’s letter but now, how would she react if Hugo left her? Alison said, before she’d had time to think about how it sounded, ‘What about me?’

‘I’d miss you, Alison. You know I would. You’re a great kid. I’ve really got to like you so much. I’d try to keep in touch. You know that, I hope.’

‘I suppose so,’ Alison was almost whispering. ‘I’ll miss you as well.’

She hadn’t realised it till just this moment, but it was true. If Hugo went off and left them, she might never see him again. People always said they’d keep in touch and then they didn’t after all. How horrible life was! You could meet all kinds of nice people and get to like
them and then what happened? They disappeared. She wouldn’t see Nick again either, after she left for school on the seventh. Alison felt like weeping.

‘I promise you that we’ll still see one another. I’ll write to you.’

‘My dad’s supposed to write to me, but he’s useless,’ Alison said.

‘Ah, but I’m a super-duper letter-writer. Honestly, I will write to you. Promise. And not a word to Claudia, okay? All I need is for her to throw a wobbly before the first night.’

‘Okay,’ said Alison, and Hugo leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss on the top of her head.

‘See you at the dress rehearsal, then.’

‘Right,’ said Alison and watched Hugo going into the Arcadia. He was moving as though he was in a great hurry.

*

Claudia sat in front of the mirror in the dressing room and considered her face in the unforgiving lights. She tried to work out what she was feeling and came to the conclusion that it was disappointment. Patrick once told her that she had about as much interior life as a prawn, and she’d thrown a ballet shoe at his head on that occasion because it simply wasn’t true. Look at me now, she thought. I’m in turmoil. Inner turmoil. All my emotions are in a terrible state and my interior life is about the only kind of life I’ve got. The rest of my existence is just plain disappointing.

She wiped her face with a piece of cotton wool soaked in cleansing lotion and frowned. Her face usually cheered her up. She was beautiful, wasn’t she? Everyone said so and she knew they were right, but what had happened over the last couple of days? She drew closer to the mirror. A network of fine lines was
visible at the corners of her eyes and something about her expression – a sort of sulkiness – displeased her. She tried a smile and that was even worse. The lines were deeper and her face had taken on, in this ghastly bright light at least, the look of a mask. Horrible. She reached quickly for her make-up box.

Okay, she thought, and smoothed foundation over her skin. Immediately she felt better when she saw how it covered up the small imperfections that she didn’t even like to think about for fear of becoming terminally depressed – those patches of skin that were slightly red, or blotchy, or uneven in texture. I’ll look fine, she told herself, and then couldn’t think why she was still feeling dissatisfied. Why was that? It must be Nick. Nick and Hugo. There was something seriously wrong with her relationship with Hugo, and what she and Nick had together could scarcely be called a relationship. Claudia was too old to kid herself. As soon as they got back to civilisation he’d drop her like a hot potato. I’m good enough as a bit of fun while he’s here in the middle of nowhere, but once he’s back with the girls and boys in the company in London, he’ll drop me like a pair of laddered tights.