Hester's Story (35 page)

Hugo said, ‘Shall we go and have coffee with the others? I’m sure you’re longing to leave; I feel like the Ancient Mariner.’

‘No,’ Hester put her hand on his wrist and he looked down at it in amazement. ‘You’ve clearly got things on your mind and I’m happy to listen. After all, we haven’t had our get-together today, what with one thing and another.’

She moved her hand in the air. Hugo saw, in that small gesture, a shadow of the wonderful dancer she’d been. It was as though everything she’d learned over a whole lifetime of classes was in her now, and she couldn’t even move her hands without instinctively falling into a perfect
port de bras … Fort de mains
.
God, I’m pissed, he thought. Maybe I ought to go to bed.

‘Well, apart from the fact that our costumes and props are still being made and we’ve a
prima ballerina
I don’t really have total confidence in, things couldn’t be better. No, I’m being nasty. Forgive me. It’s the wine talking. And I
do
have confidence in Claudia only …’

Hester wasn’t saying anything. She was looking into his eyes in a way he found soothing and comforting. She wouldn’t judge him. She wouldn’t think he was a cad. She’d know exactly what he meant. He sighed and took another gulp from his glass and continued. ‘But I think Silver’s working hard at that extra sequence. Not quite hard enough yet, but—’

‘I’m sure she will, in the end. I had a chat with her yesterday and I’m sure she’s going to do her best. She’s a very intelligent person. I think she’ll do everything you expect of her.’

‘And of course I don’t want to let
you
down, Hester. After you’ve chosen me to do this.’

‘Of course you won’t.
Sarabande
will be wonderful. You have to have confidence in your own vision.’

‘I have, only it’s other people. They do get in the way of the vision, sometimes. Having to deal with your changing feelings for them.’

‘Don’t think about that now. Keep the discipline. Work on the ballet and focus on that. I know you do. I know that at this very moment
Sarabande
is the most important thing in your life. When it’s over, that’s when you can allow yourself to see … well, to see how things stand with you and Claudia. That’s what you’re referring to, isn’t it?’

Hugo nodded. ‘I’m mad, aren’t I? But she’s so … Did you see her at dinner? Flirting with Nick? She gets so stupid when she’s had too much to drink.
When I think about her, I’m quite glad to have normal things to worry about, like getting
Sarabande
right. Fixing up the costumes and props.’

‘Don’t worry about those for a second,’ said Hester. ‘Ruby will have the whole thing under control. And Alison’s her apprentice. Ruby says she’s very artistic.’

‘She is,’ Hugo said. ‘That’s another problem. Alison. I’d miss her, if I ever left Claudia. I come between them quite often. Take Alison’s side in fights and so on. Poor thing. Claudia’s forever getting at her.’

‘There are times when it doesn’t matter how hard you try to be good and do the right thing, you just can’t help yourself. You can’t help what you do. The feelings, well, they’re too strong. You’re powerless against them. That’s what I think. Then you just have to do the best you can.’

Hugo laughed. ‘I can’t imagine you ever behaving badly. I bet you’ve never hurt anyone in your whole life.’

‘Then you’re more naïve than I took you for. There are lots of things in my life which I shouldn’t have done. Or should have done differently.’

‘Can you tell me about them? Do you want to?’

Hester shook her head. ‘No, not tonight. Maybe another time. Now I really do think we ought to go and join the others.’

‘Ought we? I suppose we should. But it
has
been lovely talking to you. You are … you’re a queen. That’s what you are, Hester. Really. A queen.’

‘And you’re drunk and getting silly, Hugo. You need a good strong cup of coffee. Come on.’

*

Claudia found herself looking out of the drawing-room window. Everyone else had disappeared. It must be very late, she thought. But how beautiful the snow
looks. It had thawed a little yesterday but more had fallen during the meal and filled in the footsteps everyone else had made earlier. She’d arranged with Nick to go for a walk. Were they completely mad? She’d gone upstairs straight after dinner and changed into trousers and a sweater and a pair of woolly socks. Suddenly, instead of being a lunatic idea, there was nothing in the world she wanted to do more than walk in that snow, mark it with her feet. Her coat and boots were in the hall, where she’d left them earlier in the day. Nick was sure to be there by now, on the bench where they’d arranged to meet.

She let herself out of the front door. The snow was frozen hard now; it made a loud, crunching noise under her boots as she followed what she thought was the path, though it was hard to tell. Shrubs blanketed in white loomed up on either side of her like small hills, and purple shadows gathered around the trees. Her breath turned into ribbons of mist and hung in the air.

There he was, waiting for her on the bench outside the theatre. Why on earth was his head slumped forward like that? Perhaps he’d passed out from the booze. Maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to meet outside on a night as cold as this.

‘Nick? Nick, are you all right? It’s Claudia.’

‘Claudia!’ He sat up straight at once and shook himself. ‘God, it’s cold. I was wondering what had happened to you. I’m fine, really. I’ve had too much to drink, I think. But maybe this outside idea isn’t such a good one. Let’s go in. Let’s thaw one another out. If we stay here, we’ll freeze into living snow people.’

‘Yes, let’s,’ Claudia said, and took his gloved hand. He might be a little drunk still, but at least he’d had the presence of mind to put on a coat and wind a
knitted scarf round his neck. They made for the walkway that led from the theatre to the house.

‘My room,’ Nick whispered as they walked towards the dim light that was still on in the front hall of the house. ‘We’ll go to my room.’

Nick stopped suddenly in the dark passageway and turned to Claudia.

‘They’re all asleep, aren’t they? Isn’t it quiet? It’s as though we’re …’ He fell silent.

‘As though we’re what?’

‘The only people in the world. I wish we were!’

Claudia felt a leaping sensation in her stomach. She didn’t know what to answer so she didn’t say a word. Then she felt his hands on her shoulders. They stood like that for a few moments, not speaking, not moving and there was a current of feeling rising between them that Claudia felt in her belly as a kind of magnetic force. He pulled her towards him and her face was almost on a level with his and she could smell him and his hands were around her waist and drawing her closer. My mouth, she thought. I want him to cover my mouth with his and before she finished the thought she felt his tongue between her lips. She heard his voice whispering as he tore himself away from the kiss and began to murmur into her hair. His words sounded as though they were being spoken somewhere deep in her own head:
Claudia, oh God Claudia, have you any idea how much I want you? Can’t think of anything except fucking you … oh Claudia, kiss me again. Don’t say anything, just come here
.

Claudia closed her eyes and allowed herself to be drawn into the kiss, which seemed to her to go on and on and she was being pushed against the wall of the passageway and Nick’s hands were in the opening of her coat and on her breasts and then one hand was behind her and thrusting up under her sweater and she
could feel his fingers stroking the skin of her back and he was groaning quietly or maybe that was her making those sounds and then, just as she was falling into an ocean of sensation, Nick suddenly pulled away from her and stood trembling against the other wall of the passageway, leaving Claudia breathless and panting and with a whole yard of carpet yawning between them.

‘Claudia, let’s go upstairs.’

She kissed him again, curving her body into his. His coat was open now and she pressed up against him and put her hands behind his head and drew him to her. Her mouth opened and she let herself be lost in the kiss until she was dizzy and gasping for breath. Then they were staggering, walking together along the passageway to the hall and up the stairs. The house was in total silence and there was no one to be seen.

‘Ssh,’ Nick murmured. ‘We don’t want anyone waking up.’

Claudia nodded.
What about Hugo
, the tiny part of her brain that was still rational and sensible asked her. No, that was all right. He was sure to be asleep. He’d disappeared from the drawing room hours ago. And he’d had a fair amount to drink. If he found out that she’d got to bed so much later than he had, she’d think of something. A story to tell would come to her. For now, there was Nick and nothing but him. The door of his room was there, in front of them and then it was open and they were inside, and before she could draw breath she found herself pushed back on the bed and he was kissing her again. I wish, she thought, I wish he’d never stop.

*

As Hester lay in bed, she remembered another New Year and shivered. It was so long ago, she thought, but
still, thinking about that time is difficult. Then, Ruby used to be her companion on walks.

Adam was being buried tomorrow. She’d been avoiding thinking about it, but now she imagined Edmund, who’d be getting ready in just a few hours to pay his last respects to his greatest friend. It was hard not to go back to the bad times, the months she tried to put out of her mind. As she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep, she imagined that memories of those days followed her into her dreams like black shadows.

1952

Hester woke up on the morning after her parting from Adam feeling as though she hadn’t slept all night. Maybe she hadn’t, although the dreams she thought she’d had meant that she must have drifted off at some point. She went through her morning routine – vomiting, having a biscuit and a cup of tea, and then getting ready for class. She couldn’t speak to anyone in the theatre. They all seemed to be moving behind a glass wall, mouthing things at her to which she made some kind of answer, saying she had a bad headache. Her own voice sounded to her as though she were speaking underwater.

‘Are you with us, Hester?’ Piers asked, looking at her rather too sharply.

She nodded. ‘I’m fine. Really. I’ll be all right.’

It was an effort to go through the usual
pliés, arabesques, pirouettes, grand jetés
and the rest. She moved as though lead weights were attached to her feet. I can’t bear this, she thought. I can’t bear not being able to dance properly. Is it the baby stopping me? Filling me up and making me heavy? She imagined a tiny copy of Adam inside her, eating her up as it grew and grew, and she was suddenly filled with revulsion. I’ve still got it, she thought. The piece of paper. I can get rid of this. I don’t have to have this baby. That doctor of Dinah’s will scrape every bit of Adam out of me, and I’ll never have to think of him again. A surge
of energy filled her and she made up her mind to phone the number as soon as class was over. As she’d kept the piece of paper, it must mean that part of her had always intended to consult him. Didn’t it? Maybe it did. Hester didn’t know very much about the progress of a pregnancy, but she did know that the sooner you could have an abortion the easier and safer it was. And what they take out looks far less like a real person early on said a voice in her head, which she pushed away and decided to ignore.

*

May isn’t supposed to be like this, Hester thought. She was walking down a long road full of boring, ordinary houses and the rain was pouring down. She had an umbrella but her feet were soaked through. A woman (the doctor’s receptionist, probably) told her on the phone that it was only a few minutes from the tube station, but it seemed as though she’d been walking for hours.

She’d made the appointment after class yesterday and now here she was, somewhere at the end of the District Line, in a part of London she’d never been to before. The people she passed on the street were blank-faced and wrapped up against the weather, but Hester imagined that they were looking at her, pointing at her as she passed, saying
there’s the young woman who’s going to have an abortion. Shame on her
.

She’d been to the bank and taken out enough money. It cost a hundred pounds to get rid of a baby, apparently. Was that reasonable? Dinah had said it was. Luckily, Hester had saved enough over the past few years to be able to pay for the operation herself, but it left her rather short.
I’ll help you financially and so forth
. She could still hear Adam’s words and they made her furious all over again.

This was the house. It looked just like all the others. A bay window; a green-painted front door with a skylight at the top. Number 56. A neglected garden, a little overgrown, with roses which had never been pruned already putting out buds at the end of long, leggy stems full of far too many thorns. She knocked at the door.

‘Miss Gordon?’ A woman stood in the dark of the hall and for a moment Hester wondered who Miss Gordon was, before remembering that she’d given a false name. She nodded. The woman stared at her, then said, ‘Come in. The doctor will see you in a moment.’

She looked, Hester thought, as though she ought to take up residence in a coffin: pale, dressed in black, with a damp smell about her. She led the way to the front room of the house. This was supposed to be a waiting room. There were ancient magazines on the table in front of Hester, but as she was clearly the only patient, she couldn’t help wondering why she was being kept waiting. The room was chilly.

‘The doctor will see you now,’ said the woman in black, returning. ‘Follow me.’

The surgery, or whatever it was called, was across the hall from the waiting room. The doctor was sitting behind a desk and smiled and got to his feet as he introduced himself. He was thin and small, and as pale as his assistant or nurse or whatever she was. She stood, waiting – to do what? Help him with the operation? Hold the patient down? Give an injection? Mop up the blood? Hester could scarcely answer the doctor’s questions because of a creeping feeling of terror and nausea that threatened to overwhelm her.