He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (47 page)

Because you are always focused on “tomorrow,” you rarely have a chance to fully experience all the areas of disagreement and disappointment that can occur between two equal partners in a committed relationship. On some level you are always waiting for the real relationship to begin. Because your partner is always pulling away, even if just a little, you never get to experience this person as a normal human being, complete with quirks and flaws. All you really know is the initial fantasy.

It’s like going to a play and having to leave after a brilliant first act. Your assumption is that it will continue to be brilliant. But as any theatergoer well knows, the second and third acts could prove to be a tremendous disappointment. The problem is, you’ll never know.

There is one thing we can say here with great certainty that may help you through this process: You probably already got the best this person had to offer. Here’s why:

In the beginning active runners give one thousand percent. It’s full-throttle fantasy, no holds barred. No matter how sincere this may all seem, the active runner knows that bliss like this can’t last. This person knows that the long-term reality can’t be anything like the fantasy that has been created. This person knows that he/ she can’t deliver on all of the promises. This person knows that this first act—the fantasy act—was the best act. The problem is, you don’t. That’s why he has to sneak out the stage door before Act Two. It leaves you always trying to recapture the magic of that first act. But you are alone in the theater, reeling from such an unexpected ending.

What You Can Expect to Feel: The Many Stages of Grieving

When we lose someone we love through death, the stages of grief are fairly predictable and linear. These stages have been written about extensively and eloquently in books such as
On
Death and Dying
by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. But when we lose a relationship, there is no “corpse” to make it clear that the loss is irreversible. In fact the “corpse” may still be calling, may still work in your building, may still have the keys to your apartment, and so on.

Because of these complications the stages of grieving a commitmentphobic relationship are not always so clear, nor is the progression. At some point, however, you are likely to experience all of the following:

• There is the initial
  shock
  , even if a part of you knew the end was inevitable.
  

• There is the
  denial
  (“It’s not over,” “This can’t be happening to me,” “Things will change,” “My partner will come back,” “I can get her back”).
  

• There are the feelings of
  shame, embarrassment
  , and the accompanying
  isolation
  .
  

• There is the
  anger
  (“How could he/she have done this to me?”).
  

• There is the
  bargaining
  . We may try to bargain with our “higher power” (“Please, God, I’ll give anything to have him back in my life”); we may also try to bargain with our partner, begging to be taken back even if it means making enormous compromises and unhealthy adjustments (“You don’t have to see me every week,” “We don’t have to be monogamous,” and so on).
  

• There is the
  depression
  . As despair grows, periodic attempts to deny the loss are common.
  

• Ultimately, if we let these stages proceed, there is the final stage:
  acceptance
  of the loss.
  

Because one never feels completely certain that the relationship is over, there is not likely to be any orderly progression of these stages. Instead we tend to bounce back and forth. One moment we are angry, the next we are depressed; one moment we are denying that it’s over, the next we are trying to negotiate or strategize our way back in with the support of friends, therapists, family, psychics, astrologers, and ouija boards. It’s as confusing as it is painful.

On top of all this there is almost always a tremendous amount of self-blame. Every step of the way we wrestle with the voices in our head that tell us that somehow all of this is our fault. “If only I had said something different, done something different, been somehow different.” We feel that this ending could have been avoided if we hadn’t “blown it.” We wonder whether or not we can salvage it now by somehow correcting our errors or shortcomings. We desperately search for a way to rewrite the script so that the ending will be different.

This is a painful, difficult process, but healing will come with acceptance. And that’s the goal that we need to be working toward. We are not working to get a partner back. We are not working to find out what we might have done wrong. We are not working to get our partner to understand how we feel. We are working for acceptance so that we can get through this painful stage and get on with life.

The Big Step: Preparing to Cut Your Losses and Walk Away

Right now what you probably want more than anything else is hope. You want to believe that at some future point this person will be back and you’ll have another chance to live the relationship you’ve envisioned. We can’t predict your future. But there is one thing we know for sure: Holding on to the relationship at this point in time is an overwhelming obstacle to healing.

Yes, we’ve heard of people seeing the error of their ways and returning to old relationships, but almost without exception this kind of turnaround comes about
after
the passive partner becomes self-protective enough to walk away from the feelings, the unanswered questions, and the promise of the relationship.

Try to think of your relationship as a failing business, and you are the proprietor. You have given this business (your relationship) your time, your energy, your love, and your devotion. Yet no matter what you do, it isn’t paying off. It isn’t showing a profit. Sometimes it looks as though it could start to show a profit sometime soon—that’s what keeps you hooked in—but the bottom line is that it’s not working.

Every business person knows that the time comes when you cut your losses. Sure, the industry could turn around; sure, the market
could change and the economy could pick up. But when a business is draining you, you have to let it go before it becomes an even bigger loss. You have to protect yourself, your resources, and your future. You have to walk away.

The same thing is true of relationships. This is not coldhearted; it’s self-protective. You have love to give and you have a life to share. You need to get over this and find someone who can take what you have to give and give what you need to get. But first you have to recover from the pain of this relationship.

Only when you walk away and accept the loss can you truly grieve. It’s sad. It’s awful. But this feeling will eventually lift. Grieving is painful, but the pain ends. If you keep fantasizing or strategizing reunion scenarios you are holding on to the relationship and holding up the grieving process. This brings more pain not less. It is at a time like this that you have to trust all those who have come before you and believe in the healing power of letting go.

How Can You Walk Away When the Other Person Has Already Done So?

One woman reported to us after dating a twice-divorced thirty-nine-year-old lawyer. Both of his divorces were precipitated when the lawyer started seeing other women. The lawyer told this woman that he had recently broken up with his last girlfriend because she had been pressing for a commitment. When the woman visited his house, the first thing she noticed was a beautiful and very feminine hat sitting on a table in the entry hall. The next time she was there, the hat was still in the same place, so she asked about it. “Oh,” he said, “that belonged to my second wife.” The woman asked why he kept it out. “Why not?” he said. “No matter what happens, I guess I think she’ll always be my wife.”

Our friend then asked if he had more things that belonged to other women in his life. Sure enough, his house was filled with intimate apparel—robes, nightgowns, shoes—that each ex-love had left behind and that he was reluctant to return. When questioned why he did this, he said that one never knew what was going to happen. He said that he thought it was entirely possible
that he could get back with one of these women sometime in the future.

There is a point to this story, and this point is part of the catch-22 of commitmentphobic relationships. If you have been the passive partner, you know—in your heart—that the other person hasn’t truly left the relationship or stopped having feelings. This is true even when an ex-partner has moved in with someone else. This is true even if you never speak to each other. You know your ex-partner still believes that the option to come back into your life at any time exists. You know that this other person wants you to be there waiting, making no demands.

In your mind at least we want you to be clear that you are not going to allow this option to continue. We want you to acknowledge that you’re not getting anything in return for your feelings. We want you to be clear that you are walking away from the feelings that keep you hooked in. In short we want you to reject the relationship—even though it may already seem to be over. We want you to do this because we understand that commitmentphobic relationships don’t end until the passive partner ends it.

What Does It Mean to “Let Go”?

What does it mean to let go and walk away? Here’s what we think:

1. It means making a clear and firm decision to end your involvement.
   

2. It means taking responsibility for the decision and knowing that it is the right thing to do.
   

3. It means making a promise to yourself that the relationship is over.
   

4. It means reinforcing that promise by telling friends and family it’s over.
   

5. It means making it clear to your ex-partner by your actions that it’s over.
   

6. It means sticking by this decision, no matter how painful the process.
   

You Don’t Have the Right Attitude If …

Walking away may be necessary, but it isn’t easy. It could in fact be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. If you’re trying to let go but you aren’t feeling any relief, you need to take an honest look at what you might be doing to keep the connection alive. Are you
really
walking away and letting go? The work you have to do takes place in your head. Keep in mind:

• As long as you keep hoping for your ex-partner to change, you’re not walking away
  

• As long as you fantasize about reunion scenarios, you’re not walking away
  

• As long as you try to manipulate and strategize this person back into your life, you’re not walking away
  

• As long as you allow this person access to you, you’re not walking away
  

• As long as you say, “what if …” (“What if I change my behavior?” “What if I wait six months?” “What if I change the way I look?” “What if I try to be more understanding?”), you haven’t let go
  

The bottom line is that as long as you refuse to believe that it’s truly over, it will not be over.

Giving Up the Drug

It’s easy for us to tell you to let go and move on. It’s always easy for others to see what’s probably best for your emotional health. But when you’re neck deep in a commitmentphobic relationship—and you’re the passive partner—the best advice in the world is hard to take.

When two people give a relationship their best efforts and it still doesn’t work, letting go is painful, but it occurs in stages, making it more bearable. By the time the breakup occurs, you feel as much a sense of relief as you do of loss. Relationships with active commitmentphobics, on the other hand, do not usually deteriorate in this fashion. These relationships stop working because one partner stops trying. They also tend to take sudden turns for the
worse, often when the closeness is at a peak. This abrupt swing is a setup for an incredible crash, and that means an extraordinary amount of pain for the passive partner. At a time like this you feel that the only thing that can stop you from hitting rock bottom is your partner. So of course you don’t want to let go. You want this person back in your life.

Getting yourself out of such a relationship is like going cold turkey on an addictive drug. You may not even know how addicted you are until that substance is taken away. But once the pain starts, you’ll do anything to get it back. You don’t want to hear lectures about what’s best for you, you don’t want to hear about the dangerous long-term effects, you don’t want to hear about how much better you will feel six months from now—all you want is the drug.

A relationship with an active partner is intense, addictive, and living hell to kick. But the bottom line is this: It will never be over until you decide to “kick it,” and it’s a decision only you can make. It’s highly unlikely that the partner who caused this pain is going to help you. This person doesn’t want to let go either. This person is much too conflicted. Men and women such as this can go back and forth in their minds for years. Even when they never again speak to their old loves, they are still carrying these conflicts around with them.

You may not feel you have any power left, but that’s not true. You have the power to put the relationship to rest and start your healing. The person you care about can’t make a commitment, but you must. You must commit to your own recovery, and that begins by making a commitment to becoming self-protective. Instead of thinking about someone else, you need to be taking care of yourself.

One Thousand Questions and No Good Answers

As you wrestle with your decision to let go of this relationship and start the process of recovery, countless questions are likely to be racing through your mind. It is for example not uncommon to be thinking any or all of the following: